A Woman Gone Mad (24 page)

His hand grabs my fist and he looks down at me. “I’ll be right back, baby.”

“Okay, Nick. I’ll be in that room when you get back. I’m sure not going anywhere for a while.”

While Nick leaves to get me admitted, Denise rushes into a room and another nurse hands me a gown. “Here, sweetie. Take this gown into the bathroom. I need everything off except the gown—open to the back.”

“Okay.” After I quickly change, I put my clothes in the plastic bag the nurse handed me, and when I walk from the restroom, I see about seventeen cords plugged up to the monitors.

“Okay, Lillian. First of all, my name is Denise and I want you to keep in mind that this is going to be an awesome day. You’re going to be nervous and scared most of the time, but just know that I am here and that everything is going okay. Secondly, I need you to hop in the bed so I can put the baby on the monitor. Then I’ll check your cervix, and after that, we’ll go through about a hundred awkward questions, okay?”

“Ahhh, okay.” I lie down on the bed like Denise told me to. My anxiety is so high that I’m practically jumping out of my skin.

Once I’m all hooked up to the monitors, Denise picks up a phone and says, “Go ahead and put in her labs. Call the Doc too.” She hangs up, and the next thing I know, she has a glove on her hand and is telling me, “Pull your legs up, sweetie, and let your knees fall to the side.” I do as I’m told.

Thank God it doesn’t take Denise long to dig around in there.

“Awesome. You’re about seven centimeters. When did your water break, Lillian?”

I look at the clock and quickly do the math. “About twenty minutes ago.”

I’ve been IV’d, enema’d, and from what Denise says,
hydrated, wh
en a toolbox on wheels is being pushed into the room. “The anesthesiologist is looking through your chart. I’m going to take all these monitors off and help get you positioned for the epidural procedure. You ready?”

I’m curled up into a ball with Nick holding my right hand and Denise settled between my legs, holding my left hand with her arm around my shoulders when I hear an unenthusiastic voice say, “Hey there, Lillian. I’m Dr. Johns, the anesthesiologist.”

I feel cold hands grab at my waist and thumb pads digging into my backbone spaces.

“Have you ever had an epidural before?”

“No, sir.”

“Okay, well, I’m going to numb your back up with the same medicine they used when they started your IV. It may sting a little but it’s better than your alternative.”

After my epidural is done, I freaking swear I feel high. Giggling, I look up at the anesthesiologist and whisper, “Dr. Johns… I love you. You totally kick ass, dude.”

“Yeah, yeah. That’s what they all say. Everyone loves the Big Epidural.”

Another blond nurse walks in and I wonder in my warm, fuzzy mind if this entire place is made up of blondes… I’d fit in nicely here, and the thought makes me giggle even more.

“Well I’m glad you aren’t hurting anymore.” The nurse chuckles. “Hey, puddin’, I’m Stacy. Your other nurse Denise is on the phone getting ahold of Dr. Majors so that when I check your cervix she can tell him to come on or hang out.”

After Stacy’s done, she says, “You’re nine and a half centimeters. I’ll let Denise know and we’ll be back in here with the doc in a minute.” She looks at Nick. “You gonna cut the cord, Daddy?”

“Ahhhh…” He looks at me and I nod at him. “Yes, ma’am.”

“Awesome. Well, I’ll be the baby’s nurse, and once she’s born, the doctor will give her to me and I’ll get her dried off and weighed over there at that baby warmer. You get over there and take pictures for Lillian while Dr. Majors is finishing up taking care of her, okay?”

“Yeah, I mean yes ma’am, I can do that. Thank you.”

I’m up in stirrups less than thirty minutes later with Dr. Majors’s hands trying to do tonsillectomy from my vagina when I hear Denise speak up. “Lillian, take a deep breath in, hold it, bear down, and push. Good…one…two…three…four…five…six…seven…eight…nine…ten. Very good, Lillian. One more time…”

She only gets to four before I hear Dr. Majors say, “It’s a girl.”

My eyes fill with tears and I’m trying to quickly wipe them away when I hear my daughter cry…

And then I see her. The doctor has her upside down, and apparently this pisses her off because her wails bounce off the rooms walls and I immediately see her two deep dimples, jet-black hair, and her red mouth opening to pull air into her lungs then scream another cry…

“Bella…” I whisper as love, devotion, and complete and utter bliss flood my heart. “She is absolutely beautiful. Her name is Bella.” I look from my daughter up to my husband and see a proud smile on his face from ear to ear.

“You’re right, baby. Bella fits her perfectly.”

Bella Lauryn James was born on September14th at 3:32 p.m. She weighed eight pounds and three ounces. And I named her Bella because as soon as I saw her face there wasn’t another option for a newborn that beautiful… Bella made her own name with her beauty.

B
ella is two and a half years old already. I can still remember her sleeping on my chest and her toes barely touching my belly button. Her inky black hair fell out before she turned one and grew back in pale blond. She has my cerulean blue eyes and blond hair that hangs down to her shoulderblades.

Thank God she still has Nick’s deep dimples. Absolutely everyone who meets her always comments on her dimples first. I know that I am probably biased because I carried her for nine months and pushed her from my body, but I’m telling you, my child is the prettiest and smartest child in the whole entire world, hands down.

However—and yes, you’ll probably judge me—I have had it to my eyeballs with Blue’s Clues and Caillou. I swear to Christ that if Caillou doesn’t get his ass whooped in the next episode I’m going to send PBS a letter stating that Caillou needs to learn a lesson from Aretha Franklin called R-E-S-P-E-C-T your parents, kid! Yes, it gets to the point where I am taking Caillou
this
seriously when I realize that maybe I’m not cut out for the stay-at-home-mom thing. So I start to truly consider that dreaded question… What do I want to be when I grow up?

I spend a lot of time during Bella’s naps and in between Blue’s Clues and Caillou episodes trying to think of what I’d love to do
every day
. Then it hits me—I want to be Denise and Stacy, the nurses who assisted in Bella’s delivery. I can’t think of a more kickass job in the world than watching life happen, actually
watching
it happen, witnessing a family physically be born with each and every child.

This epiphany is the catalyst of a six-month research on nursing school requirements as well as the nearest nursing school with the highest NCLEX passing rate. By midsummer, I have enough information to approach Nick with my prepared speech. I’m so nervous that I can barely sit still while waiting on him to get home.

Nick’s working for his father for the time being
but
he is also still in law school. And I haven’t held him back
once
! If anything, Bella and I have lit a fire under his ass because he’s excelling at a rate so fast that even his parents are proud. And that’s saying something.

When Nick comes in from work, I’m rocking Bella in the rocking chair. As soon as he spots us, a huge smile spreads across his face. “There’s my girls. Been waiting to see you two all day.” He leans down and brushes his lips against mine before he kisses Bella on the crown of her head.

“All day, huh?” I lay Bella down on the couch and tuck her Teletubbies blanket around her tiny sleeping form.

“All day, baby.” His big strong hands slide around my waist and his smile lights me up from the inside out.

Here goes nothing… “Hey, baby, can we talk?”

His eyebrow shoots up and suspicion takes over features. “Sure.” When I catch myself fidgeting with my wedding rings, I snatch up the note cards from the coffee table to give my hands something productive to do. I don’t know why but I’m nervous as hell all of a sudden.

“Well, I have something important to me that I want to discuss with you. Hear me out first though. I have a whole speech planned out and it’s even on note cards.”

“Anything, baby. You know that… What’s up?” Well at least suspicion is no longer on his face. Now he looks amused and curious.

“Okay, first of all, I knew this…” I wave my hand around, gesturing at the house. “Me, being a stay-at-home mom, wasn’t going to work as soon as I began feeling the strong uninvited urge to contact PBS over their characters portrayal of the most spoiled-ass brat I’ve ever witnessed on television. Then I let myself ponder what I’d be happy enough doing to leave my baby daughter at a daycare for…” I gather a deep breath and as much courage as I can. “Nick, I applied for Northwestern State University’s Nursing program.” I flinch, ready for laughter and mockery to spill from him. Why am I surprised that, when I open my eyes, all I see pride shining in his?

“Lil, that’s perfect…” I want to kiss my husband’s face off. Not only for the emotions I see flashing through his eyes but also for his complete and utter genuine attention on the whats, whens, and wheres that make my argument valid.

“So…you’re okay with it? I mean, I know it’ll be hard and I didn’t do well in high school, but, Nick, I really think that I can do this and I want it
so bad
!”

“Baby, I’m more than okay with it.” He scoops me up and buries his face in my hair. “I’m so proud of you, for making this decision, for all your hard work to find out the details. This is awesome, Lillian. It really is!” I watch as pure, unadulterated pride lights up his eyes and know that I am the luckiest woman in the world.

“Thank you. I promise I’ll make you proud. I can do this.”

“The thought never crossed my mind that you couldn’t.” I get an Eskimo kiss before he starts heading toward the bedroom. “Supper, baby?”

“Spaghetti and meatballs.” I can’t help but laugh as the rest of the sentence out. “I made the spaghetti and Bella made the meatballs. Let’s just call it spaghetti and meat patties though. She made them all in the shape of little crabby burger patties and sang sponge bob square pants.”

“I can hardly wait. It sounds delicious.”

And of course it was. Bella and I made it with love.

Nick and I begin our classes in August and very quickly fall into an easy routine. In the mornings, I drop Bella off at the sitter’s since my classes start later than Nick’s and he picks her up after his last class at three.

I have taken a full load this semester, taking as many classes as I can to hurry through the boring prerequisite courses. This puts me at getting home most nights around five or six.

Nick and I cook supper together like we do almost everything else. Then we bathe Bella. Nick reads her a bedtime story and I go in after my shower to say our bedtime prayers. We tuck her in and then I go to bed and wait for Nick to finish his shower and join me. We wake up the next day and repeat.

Don’t worry. I won’t bore you with the same mundane things everyone does on a daily basis. I will tell you that it didn’t take long for me to realize that marriage is hard—hell,
life
is hard.

My concept on life takes a major blow to the solar plexus with the realization that happily ever after isn’t very happy after all.

And I don’t know if it is time or if Nick and I become comfortable and it leads to complacency. However, we stop spending any time working on our marriage. When we talk, it is either about work, bills, or Bella.

We stop thinking about just us. There are too many other distractions in our daily lives, and when you have shit staring you in the eye day in and day out, marriage tends to be moved to the bottom of the priority list. And honestly, neither Nick nor I notice it until it is too late.