A Woman's Wisdom: How the Book of Proverbs Speaks to Everything (16 page)

The “smooth words” of Proverbs 2:16 are perhaps best understood as flattering words. As we examined earlier, this is the sort of talk that all people, both men and women, are susceptible to, because flatterers aim their words directly at the perceived weaknesses of others. Flatterers are always after something from those they flatter, and if we are not finding our satisfaction in God’s provision and in God himself, the words of a flatterer can be our downfall into sexual sin. How about you? Are you susceptible to the flattery of a man to whom you are not married? We are likely to be susceptible to the flattery of unavailable men if their words stroke us in an area of personal disappointment or failure, or in an area where we have felt let down by our husbands.

The immoral woman is also characterized by
a refusal to think seriously
about life
:

The proverb isn’t saying that those with a happy-go-lucky personality are prone to immorality. It is making a link between immorality and a woman who avoids using her mind altogether. “The general sense is that her ways are
shifty
and
slippery
. . . in order to keep serious thought at bay,” writes Derek Kidner.
³
Lots of things are hard to think about—painful losses and difficult decisions we must make and ongoing difficulties that just never seem to change—and the grind of daily life can be overwhelming sometimes. But wise women, those who live in humble trust in God, are able to face their realities with contentment and discover more facets of God’s good character along the way. Those who refuse to grapple with life’s hard things are rejecting God, and in the process they turn to a god of their own making as a way of escape from the difficulties.

Sexual pleasure is a common escape—just ask anyone who’s cheated on her spouse during a difficult time in her marriage. Or just ask the twenty-something single who, abandoned by her father during childhood, has already slept with more men than she can count. Or ask the porn addict whose addiction began by surfing the web as an escape from loneliness. They are not pondering the path of life, and their ways are wandering.

We also see that the immoral activities of the woman in Proverbs are
done in
the dark
:

Immoral behavior is done in the dark; in other words, there is always a secretive nature to it. Here is an area where self-examination shouldn’t prove too difficult. Any encounter or activity that we feel we must hide or about which we must prevaricate even just a bit is likely not a good one. If something is honorable and right, light can shine on it with full force with nary a qualm in our hearts. Any reticence to reveal is a tip-off that something is wrong.

how not to be like her

So how do we avoid becoming like her? Or, if we have realized that we already resemble her, how can we change?

First, we can learn to recognize what draws our hearts toward temptation. For some of us, it’s the desire to be wanted or to be seen as attractive—the lust to be lusted after. Our temptation may be not so much sex itself but wanting to be considered as a turn-on to others. For others among us, however, it’s just plain old lust, and the avoidance tactic here is simple: don’t do it. Don’t think about it. Don’t fantasize.

Temptation might come to others through a strong desire to escape an uncomfortable daily reality, and toying with something morally shady seems like a reasonable way to cope with the tension until the situation gets better. What can trip us up here is the temptation—the lie—that escaping by means of an illicit flirtation or conversation or dalliance is safe because no one will know. That’s exactly what the immoral woman in Proverbs 7 told herself.

We must be on guard for whatever appeals to us as a means of getting a need met quickly, quietly, in a small corner of our lives that we kid ourselves into believing won’t disrupt any other corner. It will always without exception disrupt a lot more than a corner
or two.

We can also avoid becoming like the immoral woman of Proverbs by recognizing the power of sexual sin. There is valuable wisdom in such knowledge, which need not (and hopefully will not) come about from personal experience. All it takes is the willingness to accept the reality of how very sinful sin is and that in this life we will never get
past it.

Those of us who have not known firsthand the destruction of sexual sin nevertheless have surely witnessed it, if not among our family or friends, then certainly in the media. It breaks apart hearts and families; it ruins careers; it destroys lives. In light of the very tangible consequences, the fact that so many still fall prey is testimony to its power. The sex drive is probably the strongest drive that human beings experience.

But the pull toward sexual expression isn’t the only reason that people are drawn in. “Many a victim has she laid low,” says Proverbs. Another translation has “She has cast down many wounded” (
NKJV
). People who fall morally are victims of their basic sin nature and natural urges, but some are also victims of the sin of others. Many promiscuous young women have suffered parental abandonment or abuse, as have the majority of women in the porn industry. The “victim” of verse 26 is someone harmed by sin, whether her own or that of another.

The primary way we avoid becoming like the immoral woman is by
fleeing temptation
and the things that fan it into flame. That’s what Joseph had to do when he was solicited by Potiphar’s wife, who “cast her eyes on Joseph and said, ‘Lie with me’” (Gen. 39:7). Joseph was in a position where actually running away could have cost him his life (as is unlikely to be the case with us), but eventually he felt he had no other choice because the woman was persistent in her pursuit (v. 10), and run away he did. The Bible doesn’t tell us why Joseph ran, but it might have been because this wanton woman was wearing down his resolve. Whether tempted or not, he fled the situation at risk of his life, and indeed he did suffer as a result of his obedience to God. We can be sure however that he had no long-term regrets.

Paul put it in no uncertain terms: “Flee from sexual immorality” (1 Cor. 6:18). So how exactly do we flee our own particular temptations to sexual sin? One way we flee is by being careful not to give an impression to others that we are open to the possibility. Sexual signals aren’t difficult to pick up on. There is a sort of sexual radar that seems to be hardwired into people, both men and women.

Another way to flee is by steering clear of provocative forms of entertainment. If we lack a fast-forward option, perhaps we can skip certain movies altogether. I mean, really. What good can come of watching that heavy make-out session or graphic sex scene?

It is also wise to be selective in the company we keep. Have we been getting an illicit read on our sexual radar in the company of a certain someone? If so, and especially if we realize we have kicked into radar-response mode, our course of action is clear—get out of there. Leave the room or the relationship itself, if necessary. If we catch it as this stage, there is no way it can advance.

Sometimes as we contemplate fleeing, the negative ramifications of doing so rise up in our minds, so rather than making a radical move, we simply determine to tune out the temptation. Occasionally that works; often it does not. We cannot go wrong following Paul’s guidance, no matter the outcome. Remember Joseph.

Being wise in this sort of situation involves more than just knowing what the Bible says about it. After all, Christians who fall in this area usually
do
know what the Bible says, but they have given into temptation anyway. The wisdom we need to avoid falling into sexual sin is the fear of the Lord. The best way to flee temptation is to cultivate an abiding trust in God that is rooted in the conviction that the path of holiness he has marked out for each one of us will lead to mental, emotional, and spiritual prosperity. That is the fear of the Lord in action.

safeguarding marriage

Wise women, whether married or single, recognize that sexual sin is a violation of marriage, and for that reason they seek to safeguard not only their own marriage but also that of others.

The first safeguard is to
acknowledge that safeguards are necessary
, because no one is above a fall into sexual sin. Both men and women are susceptible, and that includes Christian men and women. It is the height of folly to think that just because we are believers or have a successful ministry we are above it. In fact, those most likely to fall are those who are convinced that they’ll never fall. “Let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall,” Paul wrote (1 Cor. 10:12). How many times have we heard people say, upon hearing of a believer having an affair, “How could that have happened? I thought she was a Christian!” The truth is, we do think Christians are less tempted to sin in this way, but if that were true, the Bible, which is written specifically to God’s people, wouldn’t be filled with so many warnings
about it.

Adultery is a direct attack on marriage, not merely a violation of it; it is the willful ripping apart of a God-ordained union. And the outcome of adultery is always bitter. Have you ever heard of an adulterous relationship that didn’t result in bitterness? What we see in the world around us and in our own experiences bears out the truth of that. So does God’
s Word:

There is nothing as damaging to a marriage as adultery. Jesus said, “Everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery” (Matt. 5:32). His words imply that sexual sin can utterly destroy a marriage. And if divorce does occur as a result, God is grieved. Jesus may have given an out to a betrayed spouse, but that doesn’t mean that taking the out is pleasing to God. He is never pleased by divorce, no matter the cause, which places the betrayed spouse in a terrible dilemma: either to remain in a broken marriage with no trust or to leave the marriage and grieve God. Regardless of whether the marriage stays intact, the outcome of adultery is bitter.

The parents of King Solomon, the primary author of Proverbs, were brought together as the result of an adulterous relationship. Solomon’s mother, Bathsheba, was married to a man named Uriah, but she slept with King David, Solomon’s father, while Uriah was away serving in the military. Bathsheba got pregnant as a result, and David hatched a plot to keep Uriah from finding out. But the plot failed, so David had Uriah killed in battle. It was all for nothing anyway. God judged the adulterous act by allowing Bathsheba’s baby to die. You can read all about it in 2 Samuel 11. Adultery leads always to lies and loss—100 percent of the time. Since none of us is above it, therefore, the first safeguard we erect is the humble admission that we aren’t
above it.

The second safeguard is to
cultivate gratitude
for our marriage
and for marriage in general.

“Easier said than done,” you might be thinking. “You don’t have
my
husband.” But that’s not the point. Very likely, many of the men seeking to follow the instruction in the proverb weren’t married to a lovely deer or a graceful doe either. The teacher wasn’t trying to be an idealistic Pollyanna. Most likely he was guiding his pupils about the importance of viewing their spouse in a specific light, and we can do the same. Your husband might not be the Prince Charming you thought early on, but you chose to marry him for a reason. What was it? Think back. Call to mind his good qualities and focus on them rather than clinging to the disappointments and qualities that you find so
irritating now.