A World of InTemperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 2) (24 page)

P.O.V. James Murray

“Slow down,  Herr P.T.!”

“Help, P.T.! I’m about to fly out of my cockpit like a boomerang from an angry hubby!”

“P.T. ignores us, James.”

“He has very important concerns, Wolfgang.
~sigh~
P.T. Piston, now that’s a man’s man in penguin form there, mate. Fearlessly standing on the bow of our kayak, his beak firmly and heroically fixed in the wind, he is the very picture of a great military leader. Look at how he tucks one wing dramatically behind his back, while the other is folded before him.
~sigh~
My hero.”

“Ja, this double cockpit ocean kayak he had me design for us is incredible. We are like a needle, flying along the ocean surface.”

“He must think we are pretty valuable, if he wants to keep us close in this high speed canoe.”

“Herr P.T., please, I cannot stand it anymore!”

“Yeah, P.T., me either!”

“All right, you sissies, I need to take a sounding anyway. I’ll tap out a signal on the guide lines leading to our Sperm Whale locomotion to tell them we need to stop.”

“Danke, Herr P.T.!”

“You boys wait here. I’m going to go below and see what’s up.”

~splash~

“There goes the finest penguin I’ve ever known, mate.”

“Ja, me too. It is good not to be traveling at whale speed for a moment.”

“Hey Wolfie, you can ease up on that grip now.”

“Mein hands are stuck, James. They have the mind of their own. They are telling me to mind my own business. They are happy being joined with the kayak.”

~splash, splat.~

“Nice landing, boss.”

“Bad news, boys. I just got word from underwater whale sources. War is declared. The worst scenario is being played out right now. Every fleet is rushing to engagement. I have already sent out my strike orders to intercept. There’s nothing else we can do but watch it play out.”

“There isn’t a squidlet of a joimy-joon us a peepin’ squinter, then, is there, eh?”

“Sure, why not? I’ll get our whale to pull us to the closest engagement. Hold on.”

“Thanks, P.T.!”

“We should be able to watch one battle from here. Fleets are rushing to engage all over the world. I have operatives in every theater. The fleets we hope to prevent from engagement here in the Aleuts are the Russian and United States navies.”

“I’ll create a diversion! Hey, over here! Stop it!”

“Settle down James, you are going to upset the boat!”

“I want those ships stopped before they get into range of each other’s guns.”

“How will you do it, P.T.?”

“The saw-blade mounted porpoise harnesses provided the means of harvesting fishing nets. The whale and dolphin tow-hook harnesses allow us to move them into position.”

“What kind of position?”

“Ahead of the fleets. The ships have no way of detecting the nets and no knowledge of the danger. The modern propeller screw will snatch up that rope and twirl it like spaghetti on a fork.”

“How do you know about spaghetti? You’re a penguin.”

“Everybody loves spaghetti, James. Anyway, the fouled propellers will stop the ships dead in the water.”

“Can’t they climb down and cut themselves free?”

“Humans will find it unsafe to enter the water.”

“What about the paddle-wheelers?”

“They could be problematic. If the ropes and netting in the water do not become entangled, we have torpedo-log armed-harness units ready to stop any of the more obstinate ships.”

“What about sailing ships?”

“They are considered obsolete in this day and age. They would be a problem, but every navy has already abandoned all their sailing ships for coal-fueled steam-power.”

“What about the air-fleets?”

“I have been training my albatross and seagull friends for months. They will cut the rudder control lines on the Zeppelins. It does not matter if the lines are wire or rope, my compatriots are prepared with beak, head, and claw mounted cutting tools. Once they have the wire or string in their possession, it will be carried before the engines, and released. Like the battleships in the sea, the strings should be sucked into the draft to foul the propellers. Once propulsion and steerage is lost, the Zeppelins, for all intents and purposes, will be little more than balloons, adrift to the whims of the wind.”

“Krikey, P.T., do you think it will work?”

“By now, it already has. Look at the sea and airships in our visible range. The ships are at a standstill, and the dirigibles float away.”

“You did it, Herr P.T.!”

“Yeah, this scenario should be in the process of playing out the world over. Let’s just hope this Temperance friend of yours can keep up his end of the job.”

P.O.V. Ichabod

“You, Herr Goody, Goody Two-Shoeski, get down off of that table at once! Come here, you silly little munchkin.”

“Yessir.”

“What is your name? What are you doing here?”

“My name is...”

“Never mind, what are you doing here?”

“I’m trying to help, sir.”

“Help, in what way?”

“This is a peace conference, right? I wanted to help bring peace to the world.”

“Anarchist! Interloper! Pussy-footer! Busy-bodsy! That is a dangerous and revolutionary statement! I should have you arrested!”

“But General DeZasterre, things ain’t going too well at this here peace conference. It looks like y’all could use all the help you can get!”

“Runtski! How dare you interfere with the heads of state? Look at you, a nobody. Now look around. You are surrounded by the finest families ever bred. Who are you to make such imprudent statements without permission? Why don’t you just go mind your own business?”

“Doing right is everybody’s business, General De Zasterre, sir.”

“It is the soldiers’ business to fight!”

“It is when necessary, Sir, but it ain’t the soldiers’ business to fight, just to keep you happy, General.”

“Do not presume to know what makes me happy, little fellow. To see row upon row of soldiers, marching fearlessly into death’s maw, this is what thrills the heart of the fighting man.”

“Marching side by side into battle is a thing of the past. Modern weapons make that sort of warfare obsolete. There is no honor in forcing a man to march face-first into his own demise.”

“That is how we have proudly made war for thousands of years: head up, shoulder to shoulder, with jaw squared.”

“Look at them Disruptors, out there, General. They can do damage that your tactics have not adjusted to yet. That one giant disruptor over there could wipe out an entire army in a searing second.”

“You are on a fool’s errand, boy. No-one can prevent the war that is coming. We have the very upper crust of Europe’s royalty here and they are all determined to bring war to these lands.”

“Yessir, I reckon you’re right.”

“You don’t know all the history involved here. The RoamingHuff family will never be satisfied with the Sexon Halfschelles. Nor will the House of Hangover ever forgive the incident of ‘93 in which Baron Jack Endeboot was imagined to have slighted the brother's son of House TudorGarage while vacationing in Chekerlaclothvia.”

“Gee whiz, that was a long time ago, can’t we just call it water under the bridge and move on?”

“There was war before you came along, and now, you get to be witness to the greatest war in history.”

“Ain’t nothing great about war, sir.”

“That is where greatness is born!”

“Gosh, all of Europe’s bigotries are simmering away in one spot.”

“Yes, ha, ha!”

“Oh, my Goodness, I don’t know what to do.”

“Ha, ha, just give war a chance, ha, ha!”

“Gee Whillikers, Mr. Cogito, what do we do?”

“Sorry, Ichabod, I have nothing for you.”

“Ha, ha!”

“Quit laughing, General DeZasterre, this ain’t funny!”

“Ha, ha!”

“Oh, I feel just terrible!”

“Ha, ha!”

“At least I’ve still got you, Bolt. You always cheer me up.”

“Roof!”

“What are you so happy about, buddy? Why are you wagging your tail? Can’t you see we failed?”

“Roof!”

“How can you be happy? I have failed Miss Plumtartt. Gee, I sure didn’t want to let Miss Plumtartt down; she’s so nice.”

“Roof!”

“Her eyes are so big and blue, that sometimes I feel I am going to fall in.”

“Roof!”

“I can see her, now.”

“Roof!”

“I can smell her.”

“Roof!”

“I can almost feel her against me.”

“Roof!”

“Gee, Miss Plumtart is just about the sweetest little ol’ thing there ever could be.”

“Roof!”

“Nein, nein, nein! This cannot be happening!”

“Ichabod, snap out of it and look at this conference. There is a change in the atmosphere.”

“I say, Count GnarlyBrow, have you been working out?”

“Why thank you, Duchess Skoulhevi, a bit, yes. Thanks for noticing. And I was meaning to ask if that was a new hair colour?”

“Yoo, hoo, Viscount Autboard Motaer? What do you say, handsome, want to kill a few hours?”

“Oh, just like old times, eh, Princess Goureelaliepz. You naughty girl, let’s go!”

“Don’t look, Ichabod, Duke Furryhand De Lonely is making a public scene with the Baroness Boulderlanche!”

“Roof!”

“Well, what do you know, General? Sometimes love
can
find a way.”

“Nein, nein! Make war, not love! I shall have mein war!”

“C’mon, guys, General DeZasterre looked like he was up to no good when he ran out of the Pavilion!”

“He is headed for one of the large Disruptors, Ichabod; it’s the one overlooking the American Expeditionary Unit.”

“We have to stop General DeZasterre!”

“Rouse! Fire up the dynamos! Spin up the generators!”

“Oh my Goodness, he is causing that super-sized monster electric-cannon to be brought to life!”

“Ichabod, he means to start a war by firing on these unsuspecting American troops!”

“We have to stop that Disruptor!”

“Mein sentries, fire on anyone that approaches this device!”

“General De Zasterre is beginning the start-up process.”

“Ha, ha!”

“He has instigated the firing sequencer! It cannot be stopped! That weapon will fire, whether anyone wants it to or not!”

“Ha, ha!”

“Oh, golly, what do I have at hand to stop this fiend? I have some horsey dee overs that I was saving for Bolt. I have some perfectly good toothpicks that were just gonna be thrown away anyway. Gee, I ain’t got diddly to stop this calamity.”

“Ichabod, use that wired, tele-phonic communication set to warn the Americans. You know how to speak their gibberish.”

“Yessir! Hunh? No, wait! Mr. Cogito! Please open the casing of the hand-cranked  generator that goes with it!”

“This is the ideal opportunity to employ the spinning finger screwdriver you built.”

“Yessir, now hurry, the General has that cannon up to full charge.”

“I’m hurrying.”

“The hinged boom arms are lifting the weapon and the General up into the air.”

“I have the casing open!”

“Good, now yank the magnets off the center spindle and give them to me, please.”

“Here you are, Ichabod, enjoy.”

“Oh my Goodness, the Disruptor is pointed right at the Expeditionary Unit!”

Bright, white light fills the dozen rings of glass following the beam caster's rod.

Sequential, blinking lights repeatedly chase each other down the descending cone of circles with ever-increasing speed.

The shocking device screams with a voltic frenzy.

“I’m throwing my handful of magnets!”

“How many made it, Mr. Cogito?”

“The exact amount is unclear; suffice it to say, it is enough to make this device ill. We will make a better examination once we are clear of the sentries’ rifle fire.”

“Golly, something is really wrong in the sequencing pattern, Mr. Cogito. That there Voltage Disruptor ain’t happy at all, is it?”

“No, not happy at all.”

“I think the improperly functioning lights and screams of distress from the electrics has spooked the sentries into throwing down their rifles and running away.”

“Good for them, sir.”

“Poor ol’ General DeZasterre is all by his lonesome. He don’t look none too happy neither, hunh, Mr. Cogito?”

“No, none too happy neither, sir.”

“Those explosions of sparks are indicative of a gross malfunction.”

“It hardly appears to be functioning properly, by any standard.”

“The Voltage Disruptor is still accumulating its charge! Even the machine knows something is wrong and is beginning to panic.”

“Look away, Ichabod; it’s going to explode!”

“I know I oughtta run and shield my eyes, but I am strangely captivated by the awful spectacle. There goes one arc. Oop, there goes another. Oh, that last one was like an orbital halo of electric discomfort. Uh, oh, here they come. Jagged arcs of energy are popping outward. Vertical buzzsaw blades of yellow lightning are bursting from the unhappy machine. Oh my Goodness, faster and faster, multitudes of dangerous arcs fight for dominance as the damaged device achieves a deadly climax!”

C
RAK
AKA WAKAKA-
BO
O
OM
!!!

“Are you all right, Ichabod?”

“Yessir, I’m okay and I can see that Bolt is okay, too. Now I see all the royalty sitting up, trails of smoke rising from clothes and hair. Other than singed collars and scorched eyebrows, I reckon everyone is okay.”

“Well I’m not! I was knocked down like the pavilion tent and everyone inside. Get someone to help you lift me upright again.”

“Well sir, that might prove difficult, as it appears all the Royals have returned to loves physical pursuits.”

“I say, Princess Goureelaliepz, are you all right? Does it hurt when I touch you here? Or here? Hmm?”

“Oh, Viscount Autboard Motaer, would you please check me here? Oh yes, that’s a good boy. I believe I am in need of a thorough examination.”

“Gosh, Bolt, I think you just saved the World!”

“Roof!”

“Good doggie!”

“I concur, well done, Bolt!”

“Roof!”