A Year to Remember (28 page)
“What do you want?” Although Adam stood right in front of me, I had never felt more alone.
“I want you. I do. I can’t make you any promises about the future. That’s why I never asked you out. That’s why I kissed you in the dark. Because I want you, but I can’t have you. You want it all and, Sara, you deserve it all. You deserve a husband who adores you, who can give you everything you want. But it won’t be me.”
“Why did you start this then? If you knew you’d never marry me, why? When I risked the media catching word of our affair and announcing it on national television, before I could even tell Caleb? You knew what I wanted, Adam. How could you do this to me?”
“Because I’m selfish and I wanted you and this was the only chance I’d have to be with you. Because you should not marry Caleb!”
I wanted to tell him he had no choice in the matter and he had just given up any right to mandate what decisions I made in my life. He didn’t give me the chance.
He pulled my body tight against him and my body responded. We kissed as though we would never kiss again, knowing soon the sand in the hourglass would run out for us. We gave in to our passions, each of us attempting to place our permanent mark on the other, so we’d never forget our short time together, when our bodies succinctly joined together.
For a couple of hours, we forgot about anything other than how our bodies felt at that moment. After curling up in each other’s arms, the feeling of despair returned as I remembered our time was limited.
“What happens now, Adam?” I whispered in the dark.
“I don’t know. We’ve got a few more days of our trip left. Let’s just pretend we don’t have a deadline and enjoy each other. Can we do that?”
I should have said no. I should have walked away then and there while the wound was still fresh, but I couldn’t. I wanted to be with him for as long as I could.
“Yes, Adam. We can do that.”
JULY 4, 2012
ISRAEL
WEIGHT: ?
STATUS: IN LOVE!!!
As hard as I tried, I couldn’t keep the thought of losing Adam off my mind. Still, I refused to mention anything to him. I kept it bottled inside and put on a happy face for him. Sometimes, I could see a hint of sorrow cross his face, as if he, too, grieved the inevitable.
Each time we made love was as if it were our last. We’d begin slowly and gently, as if we had all the time in the world to show how we cared. In mere seconds, our passion for one another consumed us, as our lovemaking turned more frantic and desperate. We clung to each other as we drowned in a sea of emotion.
We spent almost every moment together, although we socialized with Alison, Hannah, and David. I spent those rare minutes of alone time bingeing on chocolate I had hidden in my purse and suitcase. Unfortunately, the Israeli heat melted the candy bars, but I didn’t care. I’d sneak into the bathroom, open the wrapper and lick it clean. I’d eat two or three until the panic and despair I felt over losing Adam grew quiet. A few minutes later, I’d flush the toilet and wash my hands and face, careful not to let Adam or anyone else see evidence of my shameful binge. I’d smile and pretend for a few hours I didn’t hurt inside. The binge allowed me to stifle my emotions long enough to fool Adam, my friends, and even myself. Inevitably, the feelings resurfaced and I didn’t have any mechanisms to deal with them, other than food.
I wanted to be happy. I knew deep in my soul Adam loved me, and I loved him. I believed we were soul mates, destined for one another. At the same time, I had never been sadder in my life. I had no one to confide in. I couldn’t talk to Adam. I didn’t have Missy. I didn’t feel comfortable talking about my feelings to Alison and Hannah. Yet I didn’t regret my decision to be with Adam for one second. I’d treasure every moment together for as long as I lived.
Although July 4th isn’t a holiday in Israel, our tour treated us to an Independence Day celebration. We spent the day in the Negev Desert. Most of the participants chose to take a jeep tour of the Ramon Crater, the largest erosion crater in the world. While Adam believed it sounded fascinating, we opted to stay at the hotel and go swimming. After returning to our room, we fell asleep, exhausted from our persistent lack of sleep over the last few days. Four hours later, we awoke just in time for our dinner celebration.
We knew nothing about our final destination as the tour guide loaded us on our bus. A short time later, we arrived in the middle of nowhere. Our tour guides handed us a very long rope and told us to hold onto it as they led us further into the darkness. I felt Adam’s hot breath at the back of my neck, and I giggled every time he accidentally slammed into me.
I couldn’t help but look up at the millions of twinkling stars. I surprisingly identified several constellations. I felt small and insignificant as I stared at the immeasurable manifestation of the universe and for a moment, I sensed God’s presence.
The leaders called out for us to stop. Suddenly, lights turned on and we stood in the middle of a Bedouin Settlement. My brief affirmation of God disappeared as my eyes adapted to the rapid illumination.
Our tour guides explained earlier that Bedouin were a native people to Israel and mainly lived as semi-nomads, living off the land. However, as citizens of the State of Israel, they opened their villages in the hope tourism would provide them with another means to make a living.
Music began to play and belly dancers danced around a just lit bonfire. Tables with food and wine beckoned us to sample the culinary delights of the native people. Similar to my disastrous dinner with Max, we ate our food using only bread and our fingers. Likewise, we sat on soft pillows, and I laughed at the irony of modernism in the middle of ancient tradition.
“Here. Allow me,” said Adam huskily, feeding me bites of succulent lamb with his fingers.
I managed to take a little nibble on his finger as well. “Bring your finger back. I missed something,” I teased. When the finger returned, I sucked it into my mouth, licking it clean.
“Mmm, that’s better,” I said, excited by the flash of need written on his face. His body shivered, and I laughed.
“Two can play at that game,” he stated wickedly, a gleam in his eyes. “I’m hungry, too, Sara. Feed me.”
I tore off a small piece of bread and used it to scoop some unidentifiable dish. As I lifted it to his mouth, his hand reached out and grabbed my wrist. He held it as he took a bite, gazing into my eyes as he swallowed. Then his tongue darted out to taste the tips of my fingers, before taking the middle three into the warm cavern of his mouth.
I moaned, unable to care about the forty people eating and dancing around us. My body burned for him, and I couldn’t wait to get back to the hotel. Adam must have contemplated the same notion because he held tighter to my wrist and pulled me to him for a kiss.
I entertained the idea of torturing him with lust and rose from the floor. I wickedly stood in front of him and tried to simulate the moves of the belly dancers. Immediately feeling silly, I stopped.
“Don’t stop, Sara. I like the way you dance,” he said, licking his lips and intensely watching me.
So I did. I must have done something right, because he quickly stood and grabbed me before I could protest. His lips claimed mine and I felt as if he wanted to possess me. He managed to push me backward until we no longer stood in the light.
Embraced by complete darkness, he lowered his head to nip at my nipple through my cotton shirt.
“Adam! Someone might see us!” I exclaimed, pushing his head away.
“We’ll be careful,” he whispered, returning his attentions to my lips.
Pressing his hard body against me, I felt his erection against my stomach. I was so turned on, I didn’t care any longer we could get caught.
Still kissing him, I used my hands to unbutton his jeans, shocked to discover he had gone commando.
“Forget to put something on tonight?” I giggled.
“Well, you know I was a Boy Scout.”
“What does that have to do with your lack of underwear?”
“Our motto was Be Prepared.”
I laughed and reached to grip him tightly, the way he liked it. He groaned and pulled up my skirt, discovering I hadn’t worn panties either.
“I wasn’t even a Boy Scout,” I whispered, anxious to feel him inside of me.
“Oh God, Sara.” I heard the crinkle of the condom wrapper.
“Hurry.”
“Put a leg around my waist.”
I couldn’t fathom how this would work, but I did what he asked. After placing my right leg around his waist, Adam used the wall behind him to support his weight and bent his knees to lower himself to the necessary height. In one thrust, he was deep inside of me.
He kissed me to silence my enthusiastic cries of pleasure as we raced to climax before anyone discovered us. It didn’t take long, both of us excited by making love under the stars to the music of Bedouin folk music. Satiated, we returned to our dinner and attempted to ignore the glances from our fellow travelers.
Thirsty, I took a sip of wine and noticed Adam gazing at me.
“What?” I asked, feeling slightly embarrassed under his gaze.
“I really love you. You know that, right?” he tenderly asked.
I nodded. “Yes, I know you love me. But ...”
“But what?” He took my hand.
“But you don’t love me enough,” I managed to say, choking on the words.
I longed for him to deny my words, but he remained silent. His lips moved slightly, as if he wanted to say something, but in the end, he kept it to himself.
Still, our magical night under the stars would live on in my memory until the day I die.
We made our way through Israel, arriving in Jerusalem in time to celebrate the Sabbath. Before nightfall, we visited the
Kotel
, built in 20 B.C. and known in English as the Western Wall. After the destruction of the Second Temple by the Romans in 70 A.D., only this outer wall remained standing. Due to Jewish practices, the men and the women pray separately at the Wall. After a short prayer service, our tour guide told us the custom of writing a prayer for God and placing it in the cracks of the Wall.
Hannah grinned from ear to ear. “I know what I’m wishing for.” I couldn’t begin to guess what went through her mind.
Alison turned to me. “What are you wishing for?”
I should wish for world peace or the end of poverty. There was only one thing I wanted.
Adam.
Did I dare wish for something for myself or would God decline my desire because it’s selfish?
In the end, I couldn’t stop myself from asking God for Adam. I wondered if He minded I wrote my wish in purple ink. I also wondered if Adam wished for me.
Alison kept her eyes trained on me as I folded my prayer and stuck it in one of the crevices of the sacred Wall.
“Just remember, God will answer you, Sara. It just might not be exactly what you hoped for or in the time frame you wanted,” Alison wisely counseled.
“That’s optimistic of you!” I said sarcastically. She obviously guessed my wish. “What did you wish for?”
“If I tell you, it won’t come true,” she laughed.
We marveled at the miraculous wonder of the Wall as our tour guide explained the
Kotel
surrounded the Second Temple on the top of Mount Moriah, now known as Temple Mount. Here not only did God create the world from the Foundation Stone at the peak of the mountain, but also created the first man, Adam. Chills ran up my body as I dared to believe God had just acknowledged His receipt of my prayer.
We returned to our bus and drove back to the hotel for dinner. After our three hour meal and service, Adam and I went to our room to collapse from another long day. We fell into bed fully clothed and turned to face one another.
I wanted to ask him if he placed a wish in the
Kotel
and if so, if he wished for me, but I decided to keep my musings to myself.
“You know what they say?” He twirled my hair around his finger.
“No, what do they say?” I asked as I experienced tingling in my body from his nearness.
“It’s a double
mitzvah
to make love on the Sabbath. It’s our duty to make love tonight,” he murmured, wrapping his arms around me.
“Well, we wouldn’t want to shirk our obligations, would we?”
We didn’t.
