Aaaiiieee

First Digital Edition

August 2010

Darkside Digital

A Horror Mall Company

P.O. Box 338

North Webster, IN 46555

www.horror-mall.com/darksidedigital

Aaaiiieee!!!
© 2010 by Jeffrey Thomas

Cover Artwork © 2010 by Travis Anthony Soumis

All Rights Reserved.

This book is a work of fiction.  Names, characters, places and incidents are either a product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.  Any resemblance to actual events, locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Rat King

I appreciate the drink, my friend, but please don’t take pity on me; those boys meant me no real harm. My face frightens them and bullying me gives them control over their fears. It is easier to be cruel to the maimed, the weak, the cowed. We don’t respect these things, they fill us with disgust…because we don’t want to become them.

And please, don’t feel sorry for me on account of my disfigurement. After all, I did this to myself. Literally, of course. But also, I earned this face. My face changed to match what I had become. It was a miracle that I could fire a bullet from a .455 through the roof of my mouth and live. It is nothing but that; a true miracle. God did not want me dead, my friend. Death would be too quick and merciful. God spared my life through divine intervention so that I could grow old as I have…and suffer the contempt of boys. And suffer my memories of that pit…

When I was a boy myself I once went out on the broken ice of a pond to save a friend’s dog from the water. I might have died, rescuing that animal. How, then, did I become the man I was in 1945? What changes in my heart, in my soul, shaped me…led me…fated me to become an SS guard at the camp of Bergen-Belsen?

Thinking of that dog reminds me of an experience my cousin had while he himself was an Oberschaarfuhrer at Auschwitz. His name would be unknown today, but you Americans glorify some mass murderer who has killed only five, maybe a dozen people. My cousin personally gassed many
thousands,
with his fellows. He murdered enough people to fill towns.

He had a wolfhound, a great beautiful animal he told me, and one day the dog had run into a fence while playfully bounding about. The fence carried 6,000 volts and the dog was instantly electrocuted. This dog died just outside one of the crematoriums, where my cousin’s victims were incinerated. While he told me this story his eyes grew moist, I noticed. He blamed himself for the fate of his beloved pet, as he had been throwing a stick for it to fetch. He felt guilty for the animal’s death…outside that crematorium.

But let me tell you about myself, as I started to. Myself, and Belsen…

I understand that after a time the prisoners would no longer smell the stink of death and excrement that reached for miles, reached into the peaceful and lovely town of Belsen like a great tentacled monster which was invisible because the people of the town chose not to see it. We became accustomed to the stench also, though not fully immune, as we did not dwell in those horrid shacks. It was useful that we could still smell the stench. It filled us with repulsion for our charges, and repulsion made it easier to abuse them. It was useful that, starved and sick as they were, the prisoners came to look unearthly; animate skeletons barely sheathed in skin, no longer truly male or female…not so much less than human as other than human. Hideous, ghastly. Their ugliness made it easier for us to treat them as
things.
Things not human, things worthy of contempt. The way those boys see me now.

We manufactured these things at our factory death camps. We were manufacturing obliteration. We unmade people. We meant to unmake cultures, races. It was an ambitious project, one might say.

This was hell as Dante saw it. The prisoners were the damned. And that made me one of the demons. I know that now…

The British came on April 15, 1945, and captured Belsen before we could even hope to do away with all the human evidence. The British saw no grand vision at work here. They were appalled. Great pits were dug. Then, we ourselves were forced to bury the dead. We SS were now the wretched enslaved.

The British could not expect us to bury the dead with dignity; they had to be buried as quickly as possible, there were so many of them, all decaying, and all having lost their individuality in any case. They were all one same tortured soul, in effect, and they all went into one great grave in a jumble, in heaps, in mountains, until at last that vast grave was full of thousands and covered and we went on to the next.

For days we slung the pathetic figures into these pits. Their numbers seemed never to exhaust themselves; our labors, Dante-like, would seem to be eternal. You read of the numbers killed and find it hard to conceive of those numbers as lives. I carried these bodies, I
saw
how many there were, but I myself could not grasp that reality. As in life, we treated those dead as things. Sacks to be slung up onto truck beds. Slack mannequins to be dragged on their faces to the pit and flung over the edge to flop and sprawl atop the piles. They were horrible things; with slit eyes and twisted snarls, long-limbed and rubbery. Yes, rigor mortis is only a temporary condition. I could tell you more about the characteristics of a corpse than could a dozen morticians.

On the first day of this forced labor I had stumbled back from the lip of the first pit, my uniform soiled with sweat and befouled with human waste and smeared with decay. My shoulders ached, since I had slung bodies over them at times because it was faster than dragging. I mopped my face with a handkerchief, and saw that a British officer was moving toward me. I was weary but a defensive fury was rising in me. He was going to order me back to work and I was going to tell him to go to hell, even if he whipped me with his pistol for it.

But instead of drawing his revolver, the officer produced a tin of cigarettes and extended it to me. I nodded with a grunt meant to sound polite, and accepted one, which he also lit for me. Then the man dropped his gaze into the pit as he inhaled on his own cigarette. His eyes were squinted in revulsion, as if they half wanted to close and shut the scene out.

He said to me in English, “How could you people do this?”

“We didn’t murder these people,” I told him.

He looked to me suddenly; at first I thought he was surprised that I spoke English, but then I realized he was shocked at the words I had spoken.

“What do you mean, you didn’t kill them?”

“They starved. And most of them were very sick. This camp was intended originally to house privileged Jews with Allied nationality. American, British nationality.” I nodded at him. “Conditions here were very good. But this winter they began transporting great numbers of prisoners here from…elsewhere…” Elsewhere meant the camps of Sachsenhausen, Natzweiler, Mittelbau and others. Like Auschwitz. “We became hopelessly over-crowded. Conditions necessarily worsened. And they made us a center to receive sick prisoners, mostly. So it was these conditions that killed the people you see. We did not exterminate them.”

“How can you look me in the face and say that, man? If…if you were to abandon a newborn infant in the forest, you’d be murdering it through neglect. Murder is murder. You’re only insulting my intelligence and your own.”

I shrugged, drew on my cigarette. The taste of smoke helped mask the stench of death that had even coated the inside of my mouth. “You will be murdering us by exposing us like this so closely to these rotting diseased bodies.”

“A fate well deserved, my friend, I’m sure. And some of you we will murder quite consciously, I assure you. On the gallows.”

“Yes, of course you will. So don’t look down on me, ‘my friend’. You murder for your purposes, we murder for ours; as you say, murder is murder.”

Again my words made the British officer gape at me. “Ten thousand unburied dead, we estimate here. Three hundred dropping dead every day, I’m told. No, SS man, don’t think to compare your motivations to ours.”

“You have your notions of justice, and we have ours. It’s what makes the world so colorful.” And I grinned broadly.

“Colorful. Yes. Blood red.”

I had expected the man to strike me, then, but he was still too much a gentleman, too British. He simply strode away. And I turned back to my labors.

I was going to flick the end of my cigarette into the pit but my eyes locked with the foggy yet weirdly direct gaze of a young man down there, and oddly, I dropped it to my feet and stamped it out instead.

*     *     *

The next day I was actually down in the pit, spreading the dead out more evenly, as they tended to clump up where those above pitched them. At last I was relieved, picked my way not too delicately through the carpet of bodies and climbed up and out. Waiting there was my friend from the previous afternoon, the British officer. My earlier words did not dissuade him from offering me another cigarette.

I had no doubt he had sought me out specifically, and now I understood why. It amused me somewhat but I was careful not to show this. The man was a homosexual, as we liked to claim all British men were, in addition to their all being alcoholics. I knew this because I was very handsome then, my friend…yes, it is ironic now indeed. I had been told all my life how beautiful I was. Heroic, god-like, my admirers had gushed; but for my dark hair I was the Aryan ideal. Many times I had seen women act in this man’s manner…seeking me out after an initial meeting, trying to make it look accidental, casual, trying to seem aloof but churning inside with desire so that I felt the vibration of their lust in the air between us. Even now in this horrid air I felt it.

And maybe that was part of it. You know? Death has a strange glamour, even in its most hideous forms. Your beloved serial killers, as I say. I think it was subconscious with this individual. I’m certain that outwardly he truly was appalled at our crimes, and agonized at the loss of lives. I am not saying he condoned our actions. But I think he was drawn to the darkness he perceived in me. The allure of the dangerous hidden under the beautiful. No, don’t be naive, don’t protest. It goes beyond mere morbid fascination; it’s the seductiveness of evil. Look at the new Nazis you Americans have. Your Klan. Your obsession with us real Nazis in films for decades! You find us as beautiful, our uniforms as glamorous, as did the most devout of us! We love villains, criminals. Gangsters. Monsters. We all have that inside us, after all. Maybe it’s our way of accepting that side of us.

He appeared properly contemptuous, anyway, standing there in his neat, unstained uniform. “Now you need a shower, SS man. Now you stink. Now you have lice, no doubt.”

“And maybe typhus.”

“Good. How do you think the people in some of those barracks have felt? I went into one that I could only stand in for less than a minute, on account of its stench. The living people lay amongst the dead people and I couldn’t tell them apart. They were too weak to move, most of them. Many were in a coma. Just covering the floor. How do you think they have felt lying there?”

“I don’t think those individuals really feel much of anything any more. But they came here sick, most of them. Already sick, as I’ve told you.”

“Oh, how innocent you are. How could even one human being let this happen? Do you know that if we all had true empathy for one-another, could do something so simple as put ourselves in each other’s shoes, there would be no murder, no war, and no inhumanity?” He gestured with his cigarette into the vast grave. “Look there, my friend. You see that woman? She could be your wife. She could be your sister.”

I smiled. “I have neither.”

“Don’t be so bloody smug, you bastard. You know what I’m saying. She could be your mother, your daughter, she could be
you
.”

“But she isn’t. She’s a Jew. She’s a woman. She’s down there and I’m up here.”

“Your positions will some day he reversed.”

“On Judgment Day, eh?” I chuckled mockingly. I knew I shouldn’t provoke his anger, repulse him. Perhaps I could use his attraction to my advantage. My pride aside, I would rather have become his secret lover than hang. But I didn’t think he would ever chance an outright relationship with me. Still, I knew I should try to benefit myself from the situation, to flirt with him, beguile him, in the same way I had skillfully mesmerized women. After all, I had consciously enthralled ugly women, women I wouldn’t have slept with. In my vanity, I simply enjoyed the attention. The power. Looking back now, I wonder if my flirtation with the officer was motivated less by my attempt to better my situation than it was by this feeling of power. Maybe it made me feel superior to the man, less a prisoner. I was still a Nazi then, of course. I still believed in mastering others.

In any case, when the officer proffered another cigarette and lit it for me, I lightly cupped my hands around his. I felt a slight tremor flinch through him at this contact but he didn’t jerk his hands away. He was indeed smitten, and he was indeed afraid of me, which I think made him more smitten.