Aaron (40 page)

Huehn since his arrest. He hid his affair from everyone, including the staff at the clinic. The only reason anyone found out about it was because of the girl’s pregnancy. The LLC offered Emily and her family a very generous settlement, which I can’t discuss because of a confidentiality agreement, but from what I understand she’s doing very well with the female therapist I recommended for her. I am not a monster, Mrs. Downing. If I didn’t care about your son’s well-being, I wouldn’t be here letting you take your anger out on me,” Dr. Thomas told her, and sat back in his chair, taking another long drink of water. His dinner sat cooling on its plate on the burgundy placemat.

“And what is it that I’m so angry about, doctor? Are you going to do some dinner table analysis?” She laced her voice with sarcasm, and Aaron started to rise and say something to her, but a look from Dr. Thomas stayed him.

“I am not here to antagonize you, Mrs. Downing. I’m here to see if we can come to an amicable solution so that I can continue to help your son,” he answered.

She snorted. “How have you helped him so far? I haven’t seen any changes in him during the last few months that can’t be attributed to his new friendship with Spencer, or working out his issues on his own.”

“Mom, when is the last time I had a panic attack? When is the last time you had to feed me tranquilizers like candy? You want to know what Dr. Thomas has done for me? You want to know how he’s started to give me my life back?” Aaron asked before turning to Spencer.

“Touch me,” he told Spencer in a low voice. “Anywhere you want, just touch me.”

“Aaron, this really isn’t necessary,” Michelle said in a high, panicked voice, no doubt steeling herself for one of Aaron’s meltdowns in the middle of the dining room.

“Aaron, please…,” his father said, his voice mingling with Michelle’s in their fear and concern.

“Do it,” he told Spencer while his parents looked on in horror. Spencer reached over and brushed Aaron’s cheek with his fingers. Aaron’s eyes closed for just a second as he felt his boyfriend’s touch against his face, and then he lifted a hand and held Spencer’s palm against his skin.

The gasp he heard belonged to his mother, and he raised his head to see her eyes filled with tears. So, with his free hand, he reached along the table and took her hand.

The tears fell freely.

“How…?” she asked, completely at a loss for words as her tears turned to sobs. The free hand not covered by Aaron’s flew to her mouth, and her quiet cries were the only sound in the room. A chair scraped the tile, and John stood up. He moved around the table to stand next to Michelle and put an arm around her shoulders.

“With Dr. Thomas, I found that my problem is with touches I don’t control. If I reach out and touch you, or I tell Spencer to touch me, I’m controlling it. I still have some issues with being touched unexpectedly, but we’re working on that. Well, we
were
working on that,” Aaron said with a shrug and pulled Spencer’s hand back down to the table, where he held it.

“What else are you working on?” she asked, and Aaron noticed that
she
didn’t use past tense when talking about his therapy. The slip encouraged him. Spencer must have heard it too because he squeezed Aaron’s hand gently. Aaron looked up at Dr. Thomas.

“I can’t reveal the content of our therapy sessions, even to your parents, without your permission. Since I don’t have any waivers with me, I can’t divulge any information. If you want them to know, you’ll have to tell them,” he said with a small smile, and Aaron wondered how much of that was true.

“Well, we’ve been working on identifying my triggers for flashbacks and stuff. We found some that I had no idea of—like storms. I didn’t remember that it stormed that night while I was there. So, when it storms, I have a problem leaving the safety of my room. The smell of gasoline, the sight of blood, being touched unexpectedly, all of these things can trigger an episode. Dr. Thomas has encouraged me to find an online support group for rape victims. I found one, but haven’t talked to anyone yet. I just watch the other conversations and see that I’m not as alone as I thought. He showed me that I can distract myself using video games and escape what happened for a little while. That’s just what we’ve accomplished together in the last two months. Imagine what I would have been like in a

Aaron

 

year, if I could have kept working with him,” Aaron said, again being sure to use past tense so his mother would understand he didn’t want his therapy sessions to be over.

“That’s…,” his mother started.
“Impressive,” his father finished, causing her to look up at him.

“Aaron, we want you to make progress, we do. I’m just scared. What if something happens and Dr. Thomas is no longer able to treat you. What will you do then?” she asked, and Aaron got the impression she was going to make that more descriptive, but decided to spare Dr. Thomas’s feelings.

“Then Dr. Thomas can refer me to another therapist, one he thinks I’ll work well with. I’ll continue using the blog to work out my issues. I’ll keep using the tools we’ve developed. But, honestly, I’ve talked to Dr. Thomas almost every day for the last two months, and I have faith in him. Please, Mom, call off the injunction. I promise to talk to you about what’s happening in my therapy and if I have any concerns about it. I’ll sign a waiver so you can talk to him too,” Aaron insisted, and felt hope well up in his chest. God, he felt like a little kid begging for a puppy, but if that’s what it took, he’d do it.

“I just… I don’t know,” Michelle said again, looking up helplessly at her husband for support.

“I started working with a colleague earlier this week, engaging in therapy myself,” Dr. Thomas offered. “We’re encouraged to have our own therapists for the stress of caring for patients. I haven’t had one for quite a while.” The way he leaned forward in his seat, it almost looked like he wanted to say more, but didn’t.

“Oh… I’m glad you’re going to be… feeling better,” she said lamely. It seemed to Aaron as if she were grasping for straws, but something in her expression changed and she looked up again at her husband.

“I’ll talk to Harry about pulling the injunction in the morning,” his father said, and Aaron squeezed Spencer’s hand tightly in his. A wide smile broke across his face, and Spencer’s father smiled back. The wonder in Michelle’s voice tugged at Aaron’s heart.

“There’s my son,” she whispered.

 

Epilogue

 

T
IME seemed to solidify. One moment rolled into the next as Aaron watched each passing second on the clock and waited. He had no idea what Spencer planned for their afternoon together; his friend had merely said they were going out. His fingers jumped rhythmically against his leg as he considered the possibilities. Spencer knew Aaron wouldn’t want to be around people, so dinner or the movies were out. A concert or play was out because it would be even less likely if Spencer couldn’t hear it, but for Spencer, he might try.
Maybe
. He didn’t like uncertainty or surprises—not anymore.

Aaron didn’t understand why they had to go out in the first place. Over the last few months since they’d made their relationship official, they’d watched dozens of movies—either in the rec room at Spencer’s house or the family room at his house, always with his head on Spencer’s chest—where they read the closed-captioning together. He liked just being alone with Spencer, talking or touching or kissing. Being around people would make him edgy and tense and they’d probably have a miserable time.

The doorbell rang, and Aaron nearly vomited.

He heard his mother greet Spencer as she let him in, asking him where his coat was. In his slow cadence, Spencer told her he’d left it in the car. Aaron couldn’t help but smile, both at the reassuring sound of Spencer’s voice and at his mother’s caring nature. Some of the fear dissipated as Aaron upended his soda to drink the last few swallows before dropping the empty can in the recycling bin. Shuffling footsteps got louder as Spencer came up the hall and into the kitchen. He looked adorably windswept, his cheeks pink with the blustery February cold. The big gray hoodie, the one he wore everywhere, wrapped around him like a cloak, and his hands were shoved deep into the pockets.

Spencer’s eyes lit up when they found Aaron’s.

“Hey.,” he said as he stepped right up to Aaron. He touched Aaron’s face gently, as if Aaron were made of paper, something fragile but beautiful. It made Aaron feel special, and he leaned forward and covered Spencer’s mouth with his own in a tender, welcoming kiss. Spencer’s face was chilled but his lips warm as they molded to his again and again. Aaron pulled back just enough so Spencer could see his face.

“You have to tell me where we are going. I can’t… I can’t deal with it. Please…,” Aaron said as he bored holes in Spencer’s faded T-shirt with the intensity of his embarrassed stare. While he understood things were better than they’d been a year ago, or even six months ago, his insecurity still forced him to wonder if he would never be the guy Spencer wanted.

“It. Is. Okay.. I. Packed. Some. Stuff. To. Go. Ice. Skating. At. The. Lake. Behind. My. House.. We. Can. Get. Skates. At. That. Sporting. Goods. Place. On. Calumet.. I. Do. Not. Know. How., But. I. Want. To. Learn.,” Spencer said, his face full of hopeful regret.

Aaron sighed. Spencer had never done anything to scare Aaron or hurt him, not on purpose. A day skating sounded nice. It sounded normal, something he and his brothers would have done before their world changed. He just hoped that, on a Tuesday morning, the place was going to be quiet, but with a jacket, scarf, and hat, he doubted anyone would be able to see his scars.

He could be just like everyone else.

“I know you’re sick of being trapped in the house with me. We can go skating,” Aaron said, and though Spencer couldn’t hear the sigh or the trepidation in his voice, Spencer put a hand on his shoulder anyway. Aaron relaxed, and a real smile spread across his face.

“We. Will. Take. It. Slow..”

“You shouldn’t have to take everything slow because of me. Maybe you should be with a guy you can take out in public, or show off to your friends, or fuck.” Aaron’s face heated with the admission, but he didn’t look away. Spencer needed to understand what he was giving up in order to be with Aaron. He needed to know Aaron wasn’t going to magically get better and be the perfect boyfriend just because they could kiss without him having a meltdown. Spencer shook his head.