Abiding Love (11 page)

X
andra looked up surprised to see Mark Boyer standing hesitantly in her doorway. It was Friday, two days after she and Adam had shared the three-hundred-mile round trip to Maryland, and one fast-food meal.

Closing the file on her desk, she asked, “What’s up, Mark?”

“You got a minute?” the youth asked. Mark looked more troubled than usual, making Xandra’s heart fall. She had hoped that by now they would have settled in a little better.

“My time is yours, as long as you show me a hall pass. Where are you supposed to be right now?”

“Study hall,” he said, and handed her the pass.

She realized what was different about him. His T-shirt was just as big as usual, but his jeans actually fit. Maybe riding was having some effect after all. “In that case, grab a chair. What can I do for you?”

“Some stuff’s come up.” Mark shrugged. “Plus I’ve been thinking about something Pastor Jim said last week. I thought maybe you could…you know, help me get my head straight.”

“I can certainly try. I’m glad you came to me.”

“Yeah. Dad said a smart man learns from his mistakes. I’m thinking he meant that talking is better than doing something stupid again. Right?”

Xandra grinned. “I’d say you learn quickly. Now, what has you upset?”

“I loved my mom. And Jerry. We all got baptized together. So I know they’re in heaven now.”

So they were covering Sunday’s sermon first. If she had to bet, she’d say the “stuff” that had come up was the real reason he’d come to see her. “I imagine that’s a great comfort to you. It’s funny. Your father and I talked about that sermon on Wednesday.”

Mark’s eyebrows dipped and his lips pulled together in a frown. “He said Aunt Beth asked him to help you buy a horse.”

“Your uncle Jack didn’t have time to look Daunt less over, so your father helped. It was very nice of him. Have you talked about your feelings with your father? I know he’d like to help you any way he can.”

“I can’t talk to him about this.”

“But you can. He’s your father. You can share anything with him. I don’t think I’m wrong about that.”

“No. You don’t get it. She was so mean to him, Ms. Lexington. And she got me to help. I’m just so mad at her now.”

“Are you talking about your mother? I thought it was your father you were angry with.”

“I don’t know who I’m mad at anymore!” Mark said a bit too loudly. He gripped his thighs, his hands flexing in agitation.

Two students walking down the hall looked toward her office.

“Just talk to me and maybe we can figure it out,” she said in an even quieter tone of voice, hoping to calm him, hoping to calm herself. His outburst had taken her by surprise. “That’s why I’m here,” she went on, proud that she sounded unruffled. “Let’s take a walk around the grounds. It’s too nice a day to be in this tiny little room.”

It was in the sixties and sunny—the spring that had just begun was in the air. They reached the courtyard in the center of the building and she pointed to a bench. “Let’s sit.” When they’d both settled, she asked, “So what’s up?”

Mark took a deep breath. “When I was staying with Aunt Sky after the accident, Dad called to tell me we were moving here and that he was retiring. Mom had been dead for three months and he hadn’t called or even written. He wasn’t around at all for more than a year. And even before that, he sure never fought back when Mom made up excuses to cancel his visitation. And there he was, out of the blue, expecting me to be grateful or something. I was so mad when he wouldn’t let me stay with Aunt Sky.”

Mark raked his fingers through his hair, then slumped down on the bench. He looked ready to ex
plode and to cry at the same time. And all of this, save a few details, were facts she already knew.

Give me the right words, Lord. And tell me what he’s trying to say. Is he really still angry at Adam over the past?

“But I thought he’d explained that he couldn’t be reached. That he called as soon as he was able. Haven’t you figured out how much having you with him means to your father?”

Mark’s expression turned bitter and his voice rose. “I’m not dumb. I also know what they did. I’m not a little kid anymore, either. I was blind and stupid for listening to their lies. Last night I found the letter she wrote him. She was mean and cruel. Do you know she said he was a bad influence on me? That he was going to turn me into a killer like him? He was a hero, not a killer!”

“Sometimes mothers are too protective of their children.”

“Don’t defend her,” Mark snapped. “Like I said, I found the letter she left him. Jerry, the man I loved instead of Dad, cheated with her. Then he took us to New Mexico to live near his family. Now I remember Jerry from way before we left. He was always around and I wasn’t allowed to talk about him with Dad. They got me to help them. I helped break my dad’s heart.”

Mark sat up, tears running down his face. He wiped them away in an angry gesture. “They lied. They said he left us. But he didn’t. He was deployed! He got
shot and came home to an empty house and a lousy letter.”

“I know. He told me.”

Mark sucked in a shocked breath, a look of surprise and something else in his eyes, then he went on. “No wonder my dad never got married again. No wonder he dates so many women and never marries them. They did that to him.”

This was the second time Mark had mentioned Adam and his score of women. It was incredible what a huge impression just seeing a single parent with a potential mate had on children.

“And how do you feel about what your mother did still affecting your father badly?”

“It makes me mad and so sorry that I cried for Jerry. And her. And now Pastor Jim says they’re in heaven.”

“They’re forgiven, Mark. Apparently they realized they’d done wrong and repented. They gave you a good life. Different from the one you would have had with your father in it every day, but you told me it was a good one. And your father has had a very full life doing something he enjoyed.”

“And now he’s stuck with me. He’s living in a house I can see he hates, and he had to give up being a SEAL. For me! And I helped them. I’ve been so rotten to him since he came to get me. I feel so bad but angry at all of them. And what’s worse, I still miss Mom and Jerry. I’m such a terrible person.”

“Mark, you are not a terrible person.”

“How can Dad still love me after the way I’ve
treated him? And how’s he going to feel when he finds out I helped them?”

Turning toward her Mark pushed his back up against the arm at the end of the bench and pulled his feet up onto the seat, then dropped his head onto his bent knees. He seemed to hide in plain sight. She wondered if he hid from the pain of betrayal, the embarrassment of his tears, or the turmoil in his life. After a moment’s thought, she decided it was probably all three.

What people do to their children, Lord! How can I dry his tears of guilt, grief and anger forever? How do I help heal the hurt in his heart? How do I help him begin a good relationship with his father and You when adults have lied to him and taught him to lie for them?

“So let’s catalog this,” she suggested after a moment’s thought. “You’re angry at your mother and your stepfather for the way they became a couple. And you’re angry at yourself for the grief you feel over their deaths and because you were happy all those years.”

Mark nodded.

“But you’re also angry at your father for not leaving you with your aunt, so he could stay in the SEALs. And for not fighting harder to remain in your life all along.”

“Exactly.” It was clearly a lightbulb moment for Mark. “My life is so messed up! Nothing makes any sense.”

Xandra put her hand on his head. “Mark, look at me,” she ordered.

Mark raised red-rimmed eyes, eyes so like his father’s.

“If that’s how you’re feeling, we’d better restore a little order and reason, hadn’t we? The first thing you have to do is identify your feelings. You’ve said you believe your mother is in heaven. How does that make you feel?”

“H-happy, I guess,” Mark stammered. “But I miss her, too.”

“Then feel free to grieve. You miss them, and that’s okay. You also have to forgive them for making you lie for them and help them cover up their affair. Then forgive yourself.”

Mark stared up at her, looking wary. “What about my dad?”

“You need to tell him.”

Shaking his head, Mark dropped his forehead back to his knees. “I can’t. I know I should admit what I did. But don’t you see? My dad is the most honorable person I think I’ve ever met. How do I tell him what a bad person I am? He gave up everything for me.”

“First of all, you are
not
a bad person. A bad person wouldn’t be this upset. And you can tell him because he loves you enough to forgive you. Come on. Let’s finish this walk. Now I know where we need to go.” She stood and urged him to his feet with a hand on his back. When she looked up at his face, she remembered he had inches on her. This boy, whose tears broke her heart and who was in such pain, would
be a man very soon. And it was her job to help him become a whole one.

Xandra led the way in silence to a fence that bordered the loading area of the elementary school next door. The kindergarten was just letting out. She smiled at the cute little ones skipping along, dragging their mostly empty backpacks behind them on the ground. Did Mark see the answer that would free him from his guilt as it straggled en masse to the big yellow school bus?

“How old would you say those little kids over there are?” she asked, casually pointing to the youngest children.

Mark shrugged, so deeply troubled that she wasn’t sure he saw the children, let alone the conclusion she wanted him to draw from them.

“I don’t know. Five? Six?” Silence.

Then she saw the revelation dawn in his bright, green eyes.

“Oh. I was that age, wasn’t I.”

“Looks like. A little young to see the complexity of adult relationships, huh? Or to understand the significance of Mommy’s secret friend? Now let’s go back and see if your dad isn’t out front waiting for you. It’s past time for you two to talk all this out. You can use my office as neutral territory.”

“Can you stay?”

Why did he feel he needed her there? She was beginning to think it wasn’t necessary to ask, but she had to. Needed to, maybe, though she couldn’t bring herself to analyze why.

“Mark, do you have any reason to be afraid of your father?”

Mark looked at her as if her head had just spun completely around. “Afraid? Of Dad? Ms. Lexington, with all the grief I’ve given my dad, he’s never even yelled at me. Maybe that’s one of the reasons I kept pushing him.”

“That’s what I thought, but I had to ask,” Xandra said with a smile. “I care about you, Mark, but it’s also my job to make sure you’re safe. I’m glad you are.” She smiled, more relieved than she cared to question.

Mark leaned on the fence heavily, his gaze unfocused. “For a while when he didn’t even yell, I thought he didn’t care even though he said he did. But when things were coming back to me last night, I remembered something he told me once.

“I got into a shoving match at a campground with some bigger kids who wouldn’t let the little ones play on the swings. Dad broke it up and sent this one bigger kid away. Then he knelt down and told all of us that he stepped in because using your strength against someone smaller the way that kid was makes you smaller than they are.” Mark grimaced. “I’m not afraid of him. I’m afraid of seeing his disappointment in me.”

“Everything’s going to be all right. Nothing will change how your father feels about you. And I’ll stay, if you think it would help.”

“Stay. Please stay. At least this way if I can’t say what I have to, you can maybe tell him for me. I’m
so ashamed of what I did, but mostly of how I’ve acted.” He looked back at the children climbing on the bus. “You’re sure this is a good idea?”

“Mark, look how little and innocent those kindergartners are. Come on. You can do this. Your father deserves the truth. It’s past time to talk it all out with him. Believe me, you’re hurting him more with silence than with the truth.”

Mark scrubbed the remnants of his tears off his cheek. “You really think he can forgive me for being such a brat?”

Xandra nodded. “I’ll find your dad and bring him up to the office. You go on ahead. We’ll meet you there.” She patted him on the shoulder. “It’ll be okay, Mark. I promise.”

Mark didn’t look too sure about her promise, but she was. Adam loved his son unconditionally. She hoped Mark appreciated how wonderful it was to be loved that way by someone. Until she’d found the Lord, she hadn’t known, so she could appreciate how truly amazing a feeling it was.

Xandra walked along the line of cars looking for Adam, unsure what kind of car he drove. She scanned all the high-end foreign vehicles, but all had women behind the wheel. Then she noticed a late-model, navy-blue SUV parked at the front of the line. She smiled when she saw a very male arm hanging out of the window. With a jolt she realized she understood his no-nonsense personality pretty well. He might spend millions saving the family home and his old neighbors from developers, but he’d never get rid of
a perfectly good car just because it had a few miles on it.

She walked up to the big vehicle, watching in the mirror as Adam slept, unaware of her approach. Then his eyes popped open as if he’d felt her nearing presence. When he focused on her, she felt her stomach take a dip. He had the most lively green eyes. It wasn’t the surprising color but the vibrant personality behind them she found arresting. And that worried her far more than did the coming meeting between him and his son.

“P
lease don’t tell me Mark’s in trouble again,” Adam said, staring at Alexandra’s reflection in the mirror. She always looked so cool. So professional at work, even with her hair down as it was today. So different from the woman who’d cuddled her new quarter horse as she helped introduce Dauntless to his new stall.

She shook her head in answer to his question but then added, “More troubled than in trouble. You should be very proud of him, Adam. Rather than act out, he came to see me. He’s very upset.”

Adam twisted in the seat to face her, no longer content to read her expressions in the mirror. “What’s going on?” He’d had a bad feeling about Mark since dinner last night. “He’s been acting sort of off since right after my stuff arrived yesterday. More off than usual, I guess I should say. He asked if he could look through a box he’d carried up to my room. It seemed
like an okay thing to let him see. It was my office stuff. Just a bunch of commendations and certificates I used to have hanging on the wall to use up some of the space. I thought he might be upset because he saw a wedding photo of me and Mallory in the box.”

Alexandra opened her mouth as if to speak, but closed it and shook her head. “He’ll tell you, I’m sure. He’s waiting in my office. He’s pretty upset, as I said, so I promised to stay with you two while you talk. I hope that’s okay.”

“Anything that helps Mark is okay with me.
Anything.”

Alexandra led the way to her office, and Adam found himself praying for wisdom. As he’d told her, he wasn’t a complete heathen. What was the old saying about there being no atheists in foxholes? Well, he’d been in plenty of foxholes—or reasonable facsimiles, anyway. Maybe more than any man’s share of tight spots.

It was just this whole
Christian
thing he couldn’t wrap his mind around. He’d always thought of himself as a Christian, but to so many of the people he’d encountered since coming back to the area, it meant more than it ever had to him. He admitted he was curious about how they saw life and how they led theirs with such obvious emotional success.

Alexandra stopped at the end of the hall that led to her office and turned to him. Looking down at her reminded him of his own size, and as always, reminded him of the duty he carried never to use his strength or size to intimidate anyone who wasn’t a
threat. And he no longer saw Alexandra Lexington as a threat.

“Remember we talked about forgiveness?” she asked. “And about how anger toward your ex-wife might be something you need to be extra-vigilant about hiding from Mark if you couldn’t forgive her outright?”

He winced. “I remember.” He hadn’t gotten very far with the forgiveness part of her advice. “I don’t think he knows how I feel. Why do you mention it now?”

“Because your effort is about to get a lot harder. I just thought I should warn you.”

“Why is it about to get harder?” He genuinely wanted to know, sick dread having dropped another weight onto his shoulders.

Alexandra shook her head. “I’ve really said too much already. But I can tell you this. Right now Mark needs you more than he ever has in his entire life. And he’s waiting.” She gestured toward her office.

As they approached her door, he prayed harder that he would be able to heed her advice on forgiveness, and he reminded himself how seeing the anger he harbored for Mallory could affect Mark.

They found Mark sitting in the dark on the love seat across from Alexandra’s desk. He had his back against one of the arms, so he was upright, but with his arms wrapped around his bent knees. He might as well have been curled in a fetal position. Alexandra clicked on the end table lamp, and Mark looked up at them.

“Mark? What’s up, buddy?” Adam said as he stepped around Alexandra. He went down on one knee next to Mark, wanting to be as close to his hurting son as he could get.

Mark looked up, dry eyed now, but the evidence that his son had been crying tore at Adam’s heart.

“I put it all together,” he answered, his voice raw with tears he’d obviously already shed.

Confused, Adam asked, “Put what together?”

“All the lies. I remembered the report card ceremonies. I hated my wallpaper the second time. I scribbled all over it after Jerry put it up. Last night I found your Purple Heart letter, but first I found the letter she wrote you. It was in your wedding picture frame.”

Adam felt terrible. He’d put the letter there years ago to remind himself of what Mallory had done to him. He’d never meant for Mark to see it. “I forgot I tucked it in there,” Adam said, and swore silently, filled with so many conflicting emotions that his heart felt as if it were a rubber ball bouncing endlessly from one place to another. He felt joy that his son really had missed him, but a soul-deep sorrow and guilt that Mark had been so desperately unhappy and Adam hadn’t even known.

He’d told himself the boy was fine in New Mexico. Better off without him.
Good Lord, how could I have been so wrong?

“Why don’t you tell me what happened last night?”

“When I dropped the box, the frame must have broken. The letter fell out and I read it because I
recognized Mom’s writing. Right after that, you came in and I noticed your leg. That’s when it started coming together, like a door in my head opened or something. I had to find the stuff on your Purple Heart, so I asked if I could look through your commendations.”

Adam nodded. He wished he could see where all this was headed. Trying to follow Mark’s twisting thought processes was sometimes like tracking the enemy through the densest of jungles.

“What’s my Purple Heart got to do with this, son? You’ve seen my leg before. It’s been healed for years. I’m fine.”

Mark’s lips pulled into an angry line. “But you weren’t fine when you came back and you were alone. You were alone because we left. You didn’t leave
us.”

Adam flinched, feeling as if Mark had hit him square between the eyes. “All this time you thought
I
left? But, Mark, I said goodbye to you when I left on that training exercise. I told you I’d be back. Sure, it took longer than I thought, because we were deployed straight from the exercise, but your mother knew. Command called her.”

Mark’s eyes rounded with desperation. “Don’t you get it? You’re so good you don’t get it! She lied to me. But she’d been lying to you for a while by then. And I…I helped,” he said weakly, as if trying the words out for a reaction. “I helped!” he repeated, guilt so thick in his voice it was a wonder he hadn’t choked on it. Mark ducked his head then, as if too ashamed to look him in the eye any longer.

Poor kid. He really thought Adam hadn’t figured this part out long ago. Of course Mark had known Jerry before they’d left for New Mexico. He’d never understand how a woman who was as protective a mother as Mallory could have done that to her son. It was only one of the reasons for his anger at the woman who’d been the love of his life.

Adam took a deep breath. He was the adult here. He would manage somehow to comfort Mark while hiding his own pain. He would keep his tone neutral, even though the muscles in his back and stomach were bunched into angry knots. “Because you’d met Jerry when I was still around and you didn’t tell me? Didn’t mention him to me?”

Mark’s head snapped up and he looked at Alexandra. She made a hands-off gesture. “I didn’t say a word, Mark.”

“Son, I had friends in the neighborhood. They’d seen Jerry Beecham hanging around for months, but they didn’t think it was their place to say anything to me. They told me about it when I got out of the hospital. I’ve always known that if she left me for Jerry, he had to have been around for a while when I wasn’t there. Mainly because your mother never would have taken you away with him if you didn’t know him and weren’t comfortable with him. Your mother loved you.”

Mark’s face started to crumple. “You must hate me. Why would you even want to look at me?”

The pain in his son’s eyes was nearly Adam’s undoing.
Mallory, what did you do to our child?
“I
don’t hate you. I love you. You’re my son. You were a little boy caught between two people who couldn’t make each other happy.”

The pain in Mark’s eyes morphed into anger again. “But she
did
make you happy. Didn’t she? Aunt Sky told me last night. She told me how upset you were when you called from the hospital looking for us after you got Mom’s letter.”

Adam sighed and raked a hand through his hair. “Your aunt Skyler has a big mouth,” he growled.

“She said she was mad at Mom for years for what she did to you.” Mark studied his face. “Why didn’t you see me more? Was it because I helped, or because Mom hated our visits? Aunt Sky said she thought you were still trying to make Mom happy by not making waves.”

Adam knew it was time to be even more careful. Weighing his words, he hesitated to respond. He opted for the difficult truth, one he’d only just faced after a long talk with his sister, Beth. “I didn’t see you as often as I should have, and that’s because I’m a coward, Mark. I didn’t want to listen to what a lousy father I was. I was half afraid she was right, but I still couldn’t give you up by letting Jerry adopt you. You’re my son. It also hurt every time I had to threaten her with court action in order to see you. I love you and I wanted to see you more often. I did whenever I could. And, yeah, it hurt for a long time seeing her with Jerry, but not as much as it hurt losing you to him a little more each year.”

Mark was close to tears now, but there were times
when only the truth would do. Contrary to Alexandra’s advice, he thought Mark needed to know how he felt. “Then when I went to pick you up at Skyler’s in February, and you looked at me as if I were a stranger, I realized what a big mistake I’d made. Until that moment, I’d thought we had managed to build a pretty good relationship in spite of the long separations. I was devastated, kiddo.”

“I needed you after they died, but you didn’t call or write,” his son charged.

It looked as if Mallory had continued to lie to Mark right up until her death. “Your mother never told you I was deployed all last year, did she.”

Mark blinked back his tears again and shook his head. “I guessed you were gone a lot because of the War on Terrorism thing, but I wasn’t sure. I tried to tell myself you couldn’t help it.”

“I told you that day at Sky’s house. It was six weeks before I got the letter from her. And after that, you don’t just leave in the middle of a war, especially since Sky said you were okay with her. I would have given my right arm to be with you, but there was nothing I could do.”

Mark looked down again, shamefaced. “I guess I didn’t believe you. I thought you had to give up the SEALs and you put it off as long as you could, or something.”

“Mark, I’ve told you—”

“I know,” Mark burst out, “but I’ve just been so mad at everything. Stuff was all confused in my head when I tried to think. Memories of back then just
didn’t add up. I didn’t know what was true and what was a lie. So it all felt like lies. And the good stuff I remembered, like the report card ceremonies, felt like stupid kid dreams. Then last night, I realized you’d never lied to me. Mom had. And Jerry had. The trouble is, now I can’t tell either one of them how I feel. They’re gone and I’m left with this
feeling
that I don’t know what to do with.”

Adam glanced up at Alexandra and sighed. Now he really got it. He felt the way Mark did, but his son hadn’t learned to hide it and control what others saw. This was everything he’d been feeling. It was spilling out of his son all over the place where Adam couldn’t ignore it or pretend it didn’t matter. He dragged his gaze from the compassion in Alexandra’s eyes and turned his attention back to Mark.

“That feeling is anger and hurt, son. I talked to Ms. Lexington about this on Wednesday. She gave me some advice. At the time I didn’t fully understand what she was saying, but seeing you now, I guess I get it. She told me I had to forgive your mother because, you see, I’ve been pretty mad at her myself. Ms. Lexington told me anger takes too much energy, and I’ve got to tell you, son, I’m tired to the bone right now. So—” he huffed out a breath “—I’m going to forgive her for keeping us apart, for leaving me, for lying to you and hurting you with those lies and for the ones she made you tell. The way my anger makes me feel just isn’t worth it. You and the new life I’m trying to build for us deserve all my energy. How about you? Aren’t you pretty tired, too?”

Mark nodded. “Yeah, and I just figured all this out last night. Man, you must be out on your feet.”

Adam chuckled and stood. He
was
tired. Emotionally. But physically he was charged. Like he’d gone into battle and emerged victorious.

“Hey, suppose you go get your books and jacket from your locker and we’ll drag our sorry selves home. Or better yet, how about we go over to Laurel Glen and bribe your uncle into letting us borrow a couple of mounts? There are parts of Boyerton you have to see from horseback to appreciate.”

Mark nodded, but as he passed Alexandra on his way to the door, he muttered, “Hopefully they’re a little less grotesque than the house.”

Alexandra snickered as Adam turned toward her. She raised her eyebrow, her expression expectant.

“What?” he asked.

“I’m waiting for you to defend your house. You must like it or you wouldn’t have gone to so much trouble to buy it. All I can say is, at least Mark has better taste in architecture than his father.”

“You don’t like my house?” he asked, pretending to be offended.

She wasn’t fooled. “According to Mark,
you
don’t like your house.”

Caught.
Adam grinned helplessly, though he was embarrassed to be so transparent. All in all, ignoring the whole subject of his home seemed like the best course of action. “So, are you game for a ride with us? You must need to unwind as much as Mark and
I do. I can’t think you expected this when you came to work this morning.”

She sighed. “You’d be surprised at the problems that have unexpectedly walked through my door in the last year. This isn’t the same world we grew up in, Adam. Even here, in this peaceful-looking community, some of the stories I hear are enough to curl even this,” she told him, flipping her shining, poker-straight hair carelessly behind her shoulder.