Absolute Mayhem (10 page)

Another example of this lack of control of my image
was the occasion I did an internet-TV show, in which
I was filmed blowing Dez, who had become one of my
best friends despite having been best man at my ill-fated
wedding to Craven. I didn't really want to do it, because
I had to go out right after that and I didn't want to have
to re-do my make-up. So it was a held-back kind of blow
job, and when he was about to cum I opened my mouth
really wide so that he would get it in there and not on my
face. I kept my mouth open for about ten seconds, right
until he came, and then he did it on my boobs instead.
Anyway, they took a still of the mouth-open-wide shot
and they kept showing it throughout the show, on
high-rotation, like it was supposed to be funny.

I didn't think it was funny at all. I thought I looked
terrible, and not exactly the epitome of grace and
beauty, to be sure. I don't think that's cool at all. I have
to look good and hot for the fans: they can't be showing
me looking like some stupid, slobbering, sex-starved
whore.

But you also have to keep a sense of humour about
yourself, in order to maintain your sanity in this
business. Someone recently showed me the box-cover
for one of my old movies,
Uninhibited
, directed by
F. J. Lincoln, which this person had acquired in London.
This was the British VHS-version box-cover, made by
Hot Rod Productions, which was startlingly different
from the American version. They'd used old photos of
me from an earlier era of my career, taken from a different
movie altogether, when my hair was bright blonde
and straight, rather glamorous-looking, and juxtaposed
them with a main photo of my co-star Evan Stone
sticking his middle finger into my exposed vagina,
which was completely shaved for the viewer's maximum
ogling pleasure. There are two smaller inset photos of
penises jammed into vaginas (not mine) and the spine
of the box had a shot from the movie of me with my
tongue lovingly lapping a very erect cock (belonging to
Marty Romano, who did the opening scene with me).

What can you do, you know?

These companies will do their utmost to sell a movie
the best way they can, appealing to the baser instincts of
the potential purchaser, and I have no say when it comes
to the artwork. When you're a porn star, you offer up
your body for the viewing pleasure of so many, regardless
of decorum or taste.

Exerting control in other areas of the industry has
at times meant I've made choices that have ended up
backfiring on me. My 'condom only' work, for instance,
resulted in some good films with Wicked Pictures and
VCA Pictures but caused too great a loss of income to
support my working lifestyle. I eventually had to go
back to doing condom-less shoots, and that backfired
too, when I contracted chlamydia and gonorrhoea.
There were only two occasions each when that
happened, though – amazing given my output of more
than 400 films over eight-plus years.

Around this time in my career, I was working on
some great stuff , some really big-budget porn. (In porn,
US$250,000 is big-budget.) For
Dark Angels 2: Bloodline
,
shot in May 2005 for New Sensations, I sat with
Nic Andrews, the director, and discussed vampires and
fight scenes with him before he started production.
I have always loved vampires and action scenes, so he
thought I would be perfect for the role of Petra, the
undead leading lady. I spent hours on my fight scene
with a real Hollywood stunt coordinator, and my staged
death was also pretty amazing, aided by computerised
special effects. I think I should have won an award
for acting and fucking in this movie, because the sex
scene is unbelievable too (with Evan Stone, both of us
as vampires performing wild, aggressive sex in the dark
basement of an old downtown LA building). All of my
friends who have watched my scenes in this movie are
absolutely blown away. But hey, it's oft en about politics
when it comes to winning awards.

A small role in
Sacred Sin
(Ninn Worx/Red Light
District) came my way after that, which was still great
because Michael Ninn is one of my favourite directors
– he's so strangely creative and artistic. The film's
music was scored by Eddie Van Halen, who was also its
executive producer, and it went on to win Best Music,
Best Art Direction and Best Videography at the 2007
AVN Awards. This was another US$250,000 big-budget
production, and it was shot at Eddie's house. The first
time I saw him, he was asleep on his couch with his
guitar still in his hands. It was so cute. These stupid girls
were being disrespectful and taking photos of him, but
that image will always be in my head. Eddie's a freakin'
legend, and an idol to most guitarists.

My sex scene itself was so crazy – me and Scott
Nails on a pile of rocks, out in the freezing cold, with
TV monitors all around us showing me enticing him to
come and fuck me along with some other crazy images
from the movie. Now, given that I was balancing on a
pile of rocks, giving Scott a blow job and then having
sex with him, I think I should also have been nominated
for the AVN Best Sex Scene award. But meeting Eddie
Van Halen did mean I got to star in the music video for
his song 'Rise'.

Professionally, 2005 was a very big year for me. That
was the year that
Skin
was produced, and that is something
I'm very proud of, for several reasons. Firstly,
it was the movie for which I finally received my first
nomination for an AVN award, for Best Solo Scene –
for a scene where I'm masturbating in the shower. The
film has no director's credit and it just says 'produced by
Storm Productions' on the box-cover, but it was actually
partly produced and directed by me and my friend
Darren Kaye, who shoots mainly independent films.
We distributed this movie through Skye Blue's then-company
Platinum Blue (now defunct, as of November
2007); hence she is credited as executive producer. The
film came out in 2006 but it was actually shot over a
three-year period – 2003 to 2005 – which is why you'll
see several scenes featuring me with my hair blonde and
without tattoos and then others with my red hair and
new tattoos. A number of things had kept getting in the
way of its production – like finding an investor, and me
being on the road so much that I didn't have time to
do anything else.

Because I owned part of the movie, I decided it was
the right place to perform my one-and-only anal scene,
with my best friend Dez and his girlfriend, Alaura Eden.
The three of us were all a bit drunk at the time and
he challenged me to do it – 'C'mon, you tough Aussie!'
he kept taunting me – so I took him up on it. I can never
resist a challenge. Several years later, when he was interviewed
about doing my sole anal-sex scene with me,
Dez said I did really well and it didn't even seem like
that was my first-ever on-camera experience. 'She was
great. She took it like a champ!' he said.

In the final cut of the movie, that whole three-way
scene – me and Dez and Alaura making whoopee
– is ridiculously long. It runs for 37 minutes in total,
of which a whole nine minutes is yours truly getting
frigged anally, my bare butt open wide for all to see. It
was my idea to have completed footage from the actual
movie play in the background – from my projector onto
the wall behind us – while we were having sex, and
I think it looks really great.

Dez, Alaura and I have had such good times together
off -camera. There were many evenings where we'd meet
at Taylor Rain's house – yes, we porn stars have our
own house parties! – and our big thing was to play the
computer simulation game
Rock Band
together. I got
to play drums and break drumsticks, and it was always
fun. I still relive those good memories in my mind
and I know I'll always cherish them after I go home to
Australia some day.

Another of my favourite movies that I shot around
the same time as
Skin
was
Return to the Edge
, made
for Adam & Eve in 2003. I was the lead in this fetish
movie directed by Nick Orleans, set in a house
with different fetish-themed rooms, in a swingers'
party type of scenario. It remains memorable for a great
glory-hole scene that I did with five guys. Their erections
were the only things visible through open holes
in the wall, and I took them each in my mouth, one
at a time.

Steven St Croix was the male lead in that movie, and
we used to shoot a lot together so I guess we had good
on-set chemistry. But when he started seeing this new
girl (whose name I won't mention), she got very jealous
and ended up hating me. I finally confronted her about
it at a party, and now we're friends. Anyway, a lot of
acting was involved in this movie, which I always love,
and the costumes were great. We got to wear some items
from the film
Moulin Rouge
, so we had to be careful not
to leave cum stains on the clothes!

In late 2005, I had an experience that changed my
life. One evening, Dez called me up last minute to go
with him to the Playboy Mansion. My friend Sky and
I quickly got dressed and Dez picked us up in a limo.
When we got there, a very well-known band was playing.
Suddenly, Sky ripped off my dress and I was naked
with all the other girls! That was not my intention, I'm
not one of those girls who does that kind of thing, but
I went with it. The lead guitarist came up to Sky and me
after the show and said that his drummer was a big fan
of Sky's, so we met up later that night and hung out in
the grotto.

The next night, Sky went to the Teen Choice Awards
with the drummer and while she was with him called me
up to say that the guitarist wanted to see me. I couldn't
remember what he looked like, as I had been pretty
drunk at the Mansion. She reminded me he was cute, so
I went to a bar, Dragonfly, in Hollywood to meet up with
them. There was an instant connection – we were drawn
to each other – and that never happens to me. We were
dancing and making out when some fans of mine came
up to me, some girls from Australia. I invited them back
to his hotel room to party for a while, and they were
calling up their boyfriends in Australia so I could say hi.
It was hilarious. The guitarist was quite astonished and
said to me, 'I can't believe I'm the rock star and
you
have
the groupies!'

Eventually, I asked them to leave 'cause I wanted to be
alone with this guy. After having deep conversations all
night, we finally hooked up. I stayed all night and was
kind of sad to see him go the next day.
When I look back over my journals from that time,

I notice there are a lot of entries that are missing. I'm
surprised, because my encounters with this guy over
the last few years have been so dramatic, and I thought
I would have recorded them. We fell in love and it was
intense. It was like nothing I've ever experienced before.
But circumstances and problems always kept us apart.
It was never going to work. Long-distance relationships
are tough, and we were on and off so many times. I even
wrote a song about him called 'Never Again', which
I think is one of the most beautiful songs I've ever
written, although it makes me sad every time I hear it. I
gave myself fully to this guy, but he just never believed
I was for real.

And it seems now that I just can't fall for anyone else.
I can't seem to let myself get attached to anyone. I really
have major trust and abandonment issues. And guys
have a really hard time trusting me too, because of what
I do for a living.

It wasn't long after I fell for the rock star that I learned
my mother had died. She had succumbed to cirrhosis
of the liver – a common fate of dedicated drinkers –
in November 2005. A few days beforehand, my aunt in
England had emailed me to say my mother had lapsed
into a coma. The morning I got the email saying she had
finally died, I was supposed to go on a shoot. My initial
reaction was, 'Wow, it's finally happened.'

I went to shoot a girl-on-girl scene like nothing had
happened. My best friends Sky and Lisa came with me
for moral support, in case I broke down or something,
but I didn't. It was like a relief, actually. I didn't even
cry. I knew this day would come, and I was already at
peace with the fact that she would die soon, so I wasn't
going to put my life on hold just to sit around and think
about it all day. All my life, I'd been kept repressed and
restricted by her, so now that she was well and truly
gone I was going to do what I wanted to do, all the
way. So what if I was shooting porn? She had indirectly
put me there.

My brother, on the other hand, had a very different
situation to deal with. When my mother died, she didn't
have a funeral and had already requested that she should
be cremated and her ashes sent to Wales, to be sprinkled
over her beloved homeland. My poor brother, being the
eldest sibling, had to take care of it and it was extraordinarily
difficult for him, since he despised her. I used
to hear her beating him in the hallway at night when
I was younger, and I remember how I would push my
bed up against the door so she couldn't come into
my room to do the same for me. I literally would be
shaking and crying in my room, afraid to go to sleep,
thinking she was possessed by some demon.

I don't think my brother ever got over what she
did to us, yet he had to spend a lot of his own money
sorting out her stuff and arranging for the cremation.
The irony was that she had inherited a lot of money
after her own mother had died, but as usual she'd spent
it on her own good self – on expensive vacations she
paid for but never took, and on cruises she did take but
didn't complete because they booted her off the ships
for drunken behaviour.

She had also donated AU$50,000 to the Red Cross
and to the Hurricane Katrina rescue fund just a couple
of months before she died. Her acts of whimsical
philanthropy were gleefully off set by her warning to us
that she would cut us out of her will if we didn't call her
on command or do whatever she said. That was her in
a nutshell – bitter to the end. I still like to think that
the money went to a good cause, since it sure didn't
go to us.