Absolute Surrender (19 page)

So I do have limits.
How could he not?

“I
’
m frightened,” she said quietly.

That was the second time he’d heard that word from her tonight. Charles nodded. “
As am I.
”

He hoped his agreement helped to alleviate some of her fear. If she knew that she wasn’t alone in her feelings… “It seems this mating dance, or courting, as it
’
s so formally called, has come to be much more than a mere inspection to determine if we would suit. It
’
s become a determination of whether we
can
suit. Amelia, I must be blunt, and hope that this doesn
’
t overtax you. You understand that isn
’
t my intention, do you not? I don
’
t mean to disturb you or cause an…an episode. I want nothing more than to prevent such, in fact.”

She nodded again. “I
’
ll endeavor to keep myself together, perhaps concentrate on the facts, as opposed to the emotions. I
’
ll attempt to think on the discussion as though it were a scholarly example as opposed to my personal life.”

“Do you think you
’
re able to?”
I’m not so sure
was left unsaid.
Ender isn
’t here to save you
was also unspoken. The thought disturbed him.

“I
’
ll attempt it, for you. I
’
ve become quite practiced at keeping myself together. The episodes come on under certain circumstances, certain situations, or around you at times. You seem to be a circumstance unto yourself…but I
’
ll attempt to put another barrier between us.”

Charles cringed.
“This isn
’
t at all what I want for us. I don
’
t want for you to have need to construct barriers in order to merely converse with me. Those barriers take much more effort to bring down. I…perhaps we should leave off for now.” Charles was exhausted, and he wasn’t sure what he would do should she have an episode. Though if something did happen, perhaps his newfound knowledge could be put to the test. Perhaps he could help her, at least somewhat. And hadn’t that been the whole point of the endeavor with
Endsleigh? To learn how to help her?

No time like the present,
Charles thought.

“No, please, just, go slowly. I
’
ll let you know if we need to stop.”

Charles gave a single, stout nod, then looked at her, leaned forward on his knees and took her other hand and massaged it as well. “Amelia.
Intimacy
is of the utmost concern to me.” He held her gaze and waited. He watched her chest rise and fall as she breathed slowly. He ignored the way her breasts pressed up from the confines of her corset…well, not so. He took note of them, then forced himself to continue. “It isn
’
t merely my duty to the crown, but that I do, quite desperately, want to be
with
you.” So his thoughts were to color his words then. Quite vibrantly.

Charles watched as her pupils dilated, and she swayed in her seat toward him. Her hands melted a bit into his, and he wondered if these signs led to an acquiescence or an episode.

He leaned in, whispering, deepening the connection between them. “I want to touch you, kiss you, to make love with you.”

He swallowed, wishing he could leave off at that but needing to be heard. He dropped his voice as low as he could and still be sure she could hear him. “Without the fear that I am somehow causing you great harm or distress.”

His mouth grazed her jaw, and he spoke softly against her ear. “This is of paramount importance to me.”

Her breath stopped against his cheek, and he looked back into her eyes, saw a tear escape, which he caught on the pad of his thumb. “There is
nothing
I wouldn
’
t do to make you feel my want of you.”

And now Charles cradled her face in his giant hand, at the perfect angle for a kiss.

“I want this, as well,” she whispered, letting him support her weight. “Please, just hold me for a moment. I don
’
t think I can bear much more from your mouth.”

Well, then.

Charles laughed a bit, then wrapped her up in his arms and held on. Listened to her breathing, felt her pulse as he fit her neck against his, resting her head on his shoulder. She was all right. He had been frank, bold, straightforward—and she was all right He marveled at the thought. Hopefully, tomorrow they could try again.

Amelia breathed of Charles.

Strong
.

The word resonated. She could rely on Charles. Trust in him to support her. There was just something about him that wound her up like nobody ever had before. True, she lost control of herself on occasion. Said things she shouldn
’
t, did things she shouldn
’
t. But with Charles she felt different. He forced her control to slip with just a look, and she allowed it. As though he wanted to be so deeply inside her as to be part of her…and she wanted this as well.

She had some semblance of this with Hugh.

Hugh.

Hugh was so much a part of her that she was often shocked to find him a separate being, not merely her internal conscience or guard. But standing next to her, lending her his safety and control. She wanted him as well, that sereneness. That extreme sense of peace that washed over her whenever he was close. She coveted the space between them as they
’
d lain together tonight, Hugh providing his safety, his support, while Charles had driven her to the brink of insanity.

Amelia knew that to be the destination with Charles. That was her fear. That letting go with him would ultimately drive her insane. She wasn
’
t capable of pulling back from such freedom of mind, of body—without Hugh. She
’
d never been able to.

And being with them together? That was an impossibility. She wasn
’
t sure how their predicament had come about tonight. Possibly they had all been so frightened of losing each other that all propriety had gone to the wayside. But that couldn
’
t happen again. She breathed deeply of Charles, the cotton and man, shifted deeper into the crook of his neck.

Even being close to Hugh tonight, kissing him, she had still been very well controlled, comforted, safe. But kissing Charles?

Kissing Charles. Kissing. I kissed him, and he me. His mouth was on me, everywhere.

The thought overwhelmed her. She opened her mouth on the pulse in his neck, licked, then laid a wet, open kiss there. Twisted her hand in his rumpled shirt. God, he tasted good. She filled her mind with Hugh to calm herself as Charles pulled back to look in her face.

This way lies insanity,
she thought, then she closed her eyes, once again overwhelmed. She couldn
’
t think of Hugh and look on Charles. It wasn
’
t right.

“I
’
m sorry, I shouldn
’
t have,” she said quietly. Wishing that wasn
’
t the truth.

“Amelia, it takes everything in me to keep myself from you. But I will, for as long as you need this of me. Because I can see, very readily, that in our joining you aren
’
t able to be with me. You become so lost. So frightened. I don
’
t want you frightened. I want you with me. So please don
’
t take any of my future actions as cold, or heartless, but I feel I should warn you. I cannot be so forward with you, physically, because I fear damaging you.”

And then something Hugh had said whispered in the back of her mind.

He doesn
’
t want to force something on you that you are unable to do, that would somehow damage you further.

Damaged
.

She pushed herself away from him. “You see me as damaged.”

“No, I see you as…I
’
m not sure how to put this into words, Amelia. I don
’
t believe there are yet words with which to describe what it is you are. I don
’
t see anything about you in a negative fashion, and yet every word that has been used to describe your actions
is
negative. Therein lies my greatest challenge.

“How do I speak with you or Ender, about your behaviors without being demeaning, without being insulting? Because that
’
s not at all what I intend in these discussions. I hold such esteem for you, such high regard. Amelia, I care for you. I have cared for you since the first time I met you. Long before I knew you were to be mine. Long before I knew what it meant, and these feelings have only grown with time.”

He cares for me. Cares for me. Not love, but care.

She couldn
’
t look at him. Held on to the tenuous reality of the carriage. The wheels turned, creaked over the rutted roads, the cobblestones, the occasional garbage left behind. She heard the leather creak and the brass on the horses
’
hardware clank, the occasional clucking of the driver. She wanted desperately to hear what Charles had to say, but could feel her mind attempting to close her off. Spinning, spinning with the wheels of the carriage. She stared at her knees, attempting to ground herself to this moment, this time.

Charles slid from the seat and crouched in the carriage, his sturdy thighs surrounding her legs as he placed his hands over hers. So warm, so strong, so…pervasive.

“Amelia, I can feel you hiding from me, and perhaps following you in is the wrong thing to do. I understand I may start an episode. But I want you to stay here with me. I want for you to hear me out. To understand. There is not a negative thought in my head where you are concerned. Do you hear me? Tell me what I said.”

She choked, then closed her eyes and concentrated against the part of her mind that wanted her to let go of the moment. “There is not a negative thought—”

“In my head…keep going,” Charles whispered.

“In your head where I—”

“Where you are concerned. Say it.”

“Where
I
am concerned. There is not a negative thought in your head where I
’
m concerned.
”

“Do you believe me?” She did, but could not make her head move or her mouth open. Charles’s hand was gentle on her chin, turning her toward his voice. “Amelia, open your eyes and look at me, please.”

Amelia did. Then she breathed, and with that breath came the words she knew Charles longed for. “I believe you.”

She could tell by the jerk of his muscles that what he wanted was to take her up in an embrace, but he stayed himself. At great expense, Charles stayed himself. So she reached forward, slowly, wrapped her arms around his neck, and pulled him to her. “I believe you.”

There were tears, hot on her neck, and she was unsure who they belonged to.

“I will take care of you.” And with those words, Charles’s hands came around her, clenching in the fabric of her gown. Holding on to her as though she were the last remaining tie to earth and he were being pulled away. Her gown tightened around her, and she wished for the fabric to rend, separate, set her free.