Absolute Surrender (23 page)

“I agree. Though controlling the talk of the
ton
is quite beyond our means. They
’
ll think whatever they wish to think, regardless our actions or words to the contrary, but you already know this,” Hugh said.

“Yes,” Jackson replied.

“You
’
ve changed the subject.”

“Quite handily I believe.” Jackson grinned. He sat heavily in the chair and sighed. Hugh knew whatever came next would be the revelation. “You want to make her
come
. You think passion a threshold beyond which she may be free to understand. You believe her fear a hindrance to my being with her. Her fear of what
’
s to happen between a man and a woman.”

Hugh nodded. “You understand the basics of it. I
’
ve no doubt you
’
ve brought many women to their completion, so you must understand the thinking behind my consideration.”

“I do. What I don
’
t understand is how you intend to make this happen for her. That, and who you intend for the action of it. For while it seems you
’
re able to control her, and bring her about in subtle or more controlled ways, it would also seem that for you to teach her of this wouldn
’
t help the situation at all. And whilst I am more than willing to introduce Amelia to this level of passion, I fear I cannot without the ability to also control her as you do. To that end…having you anywhere near us—”

“During the act. Yes, I agree completely, as I
’
m not convinced I wish to be a party to such. Last night was quite an aberration. I believe we can agree on that fact,” Hugh said.

“Does she even understand what happened?”

“I would think so, yet you were the last to speak with her alone, so you may know more than I at this point.”

“She was rather in control last night. Considering. Though I don
’
t believe she
’
s truly thought through the ramifications of her actions. Of our actions. Any whisper of this could ruin her. And while I understand she believes herself destroyed in the eyes of the
ton
regardless, she should yet be mindful of them,” Jackson
said.

“Are you asking me to stay away? Now that you
’
ve asked for my help in this matter? Do you believe I should now fade away and let you attempt to resolve this on your own?”

Jackson was quiet in his consideration of what Hugh asked. Hugh appreciated that he took the time to truly consider this thought, not to simply answer as he felt.

“
I am not,
” Jackson said finally. “I only think that we must be ever wary of our position, for while men can do nearly as they wish…she cannot. I believe you
’
re the key to my success. As selfish as that sounds. As unfortunate as it may be. But for Amelia, as you said…if you were to abandon her now, it would be detrimental.”

“Last night—”

“Here we are again. Must we?” Jackson asked.

“I believe we must. After all, if we fly ignorant into this situation, we
’
ll end up in the same position again, somewhere neither of us wishes to be.
Correct?
”

“Are you asking?” Jackson watched him closely, and Hugh shifted uncomfortably in his chair, surprising himself with the revelation he was to share.

“For my part…when I said I would do anything for her, I meant anything. She
’
s my heart. Part and parcel. Debating this, again and again…it rather delays the inevitable. You don
’
t believe she can be with you and are too terrified of her episodes to control your own fear, something that feeds hers. It
’
s a bit like a whirling dervish. Once an episode starts, it only gains. I could be there. I could calm her for you. Though to be sure, we would need to agree on this together. If we aren
’
t in agreement on the subject, the entire situation will get awkward.”

“More so than before?” Jacks
chuckled.
“Though I yet hesitate. As we discuss the hows and wheres of this, it occurs to me that the doing of it will only become much too choreographed. I wish for whatever to happen between Amelia and me to be as natural as possible, whether that involves you or not.”

Both men allowed silence to reign for a time.

“Is this awkward?” Hugh asked finally.

“Shouldn
’
t it be? We
’
ve become quite adept at discussing her. This isn
’
t as it should be. If we function on the tenet that this is for her, and not about us, whatever happens will not only be genuine but acceptable to us all. I believe you and I are in agreement. That
this
is for Amelia, and whatever happens happens solely for her.”

Jackson finished just as Hugh heard the rattle of the harnesses on his carriage team, pulling in front of the house. “We agree then. We
’
ll spend time together, doing our best to protect her from rumors of the
ton
, and whatever happens…”

“Happens,” Jackson finished with a strong note of finality in his voice.

As the carriage pulled away from the mews, Amelia wrapped her arms around her middle and attempted to stay the tumbling in her belly. She wasn
’
t concerned with leaving them to discuss her. After all, it wasn
’
t as if that had never happened before, and what had come of it then…she blanched at the thought. While she
’
d spent the previous night going over every word, every touch, in her mind she hadn
’
t truly considered the situation from any perspective beyond feeling.

I lay between them.

Between them.

Between two men.

Inappropriate.

She
’
d also allowed them both to kiss her. She
’
d been steady and sure between them and had never had such a calm freedom as when there. Yet being alone with a man—with
two
men—was so very inappropriate. An impossibility. And if anyone were to discover their actions, she
’
d be well and truly ruined. Where would she be then? Neither of them could take her to wife with that type of rumor over her head. The three of them being together was truly beyond the realm of possibility.

And yet when the two of them surrounded me…

The feeling of them
with
her, together, had been beyond comforting. It had been an entirely new level of security.

This was terrible. What kind of woman was she to want two men? To wish to be with them both. To feel complete lying between them. Two men. As horrific as the thought was, it was yet equally comforting.

Amelia, have you ever
touched
yourself?

Her breath caught, and her hand cinched on the side of the carriage. She was suddenly much too warm. Her vision narrowed. Her other hand snaked up and tugged at the edge of her dress, and she surreptitiously blew a stream of air between her breasts, cooling her skin as what perspiration had gathered there began to evaporate.

She felt the gazes before she realized where they were, and what she was doing.

Damn me. The Row.

She clenched her eyes as though to erase her actions as they pulled through Rotten Row, and all the matrons
’
eyes were once again on her. As they always were. Hot and heavy and judging. A bead of sweat trickled past her nape, catching on the tight edge of her corset, making her skin itch. She leaned back into the squabs of the carriage and attempted to surreptitiously rub her back against the plush seat to scratch it as she attempted to smile, meeting each questioning gaze as she passed by.

Louisa
’
s hand patted her knee, and Amelia gravitated toward her. The small reassurance was a warm anchor as they moved. Amelia nodded, tipped her fan, smiled, watched for the end of the Row.

Five carriages. Four carriages
…

She knew Charles had sent them here, an attempt to allay the talk caused by their earlier arrival.

Three carriages
…

Amelia knew Charles could not have made a more powerful statement to the
ton
had he stood on the steps of St. Peter
’
s and shouted it himself.

Two carriages…

Whether or not it worked in the fashion Charles wished would remain to be seen. At least she had been seen without the two of them.

The two of them. Together.

One carriage…

They reached the end of the Row, and the carriage turned toward her father
’
s town house. Louisa grabbed Amelia
’
s hands in hers, and Amelia breathed. Finally breathed.

Amelia rushed through the entry of her father
’
s town house, hoping to get to her room before being discovered. “Amelia?”
Too late.

She stopped, took a deep breath and walked to the door of the parlor. “Good morning, Mother, ladies.” She gave a small curtsy as she looked around the full parlor. So many women, and all of them turned to her, expectantly. “Was I to be at home? I do beg your pardon, but the Duke of Castleberry had planned an outing today,” she said, pasting a sweet smile on her face. But she knew her neck was just a bit too stiff. Louisa stood behind her. Amelia could hear her shuffling her feet nervously and she turned to see a panicked look on Louisa’s face before turning back as her mother continued.

“Well, the ladies were just leaving, but they
’
d mentioned seeing you and the duke on the Row…with Endsleigh.”

Amelia froze. She saw her mother watching her expectantly, and her hands tensed on the fan she held until she heard the quiet crack of the wood. She cast her eyes about the room, hoping to find at least one friendly face. They all seemed to be leaning toward her.

She tried to release the tension in her neck, and her gaze landed on one small girl, cowering behind some of the more domineering of the matrons.

Amelia smiled to her, and the girl returned it—
albeit warily
—her eyes darting past Amelia toward Louisa then back to the floor. The girl looked like Amelia felt, as though she simply wished for some peace, to dissolve into the very floorboards were it possible, to hide. Amelia took a moment’s strength in the kinship, then she looked to her mother again.

Amelia could feel the tension in her mother from across the room, knew she was chanting orders in her head that she could never release to the world in front of witnesses.

Come on, Amelia, answer. Give them no quarter.

They
’
re awaiting
my
explanation. Wash away the shame with some brilliant words. I can do this. I
’
ve
been trained
so very
well.

Amelia dropped her mouth open, and the room seemed to hang upon her lip like a Christmas ornament.