Absolutely Normal Chaos (11 page)

The only thing I don’t like about Odysseus is that he brags so much about how clever he is and how many cities he sacked and how many people he killed. I think he’d be put in jail if he were alive today
.

Monday, July 16

Another rainy, cloudy day.

Alex called, but he couldn’t come over because he’s got the flu. I bet he caught it at his grandmother’s birthday party. He said the party was a real bore except for the part when she opened the present from Alex’s grandfather (her husband). It was a black negligee!! Imagine.

Not a real exciting day here. Mom left us all a note today saying we had to wash all the windows in the whole entire house. We called her at work to tell her it was raining, but she said we had to do the insides anyway. The worst thing is, you can’t really SEE how much work we did, because the windows are still all dirty on the outside. I hope it’s still raining tomorrow. I don’t think I could take another day of smelling that vinegar and toiling my arm off.

I miss Alex Cheevey. Sigh.

Beth Ann is still calling a million times a day. She has written and torn up about fifty letters to Derek. Her latest plan is to make Derek jealous, but she doesn’t exactly know how she’s going to do it.

She also told me something that really surprised me. Christy (from school) called her. They’re not even friends or anything. Anyway, Christy was yakking away about a bunch of nonsense and she told Beth Ann some “secret” news that Beth Ann wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. Beth Ann told me though. This secret news is that Christy, Megan, and a bunch of other goony girls like them have formed a club called GGP and they can’t tell ANYONE what GGP stands for. And Christy told Beth Ann that Beth Ann was “under consideration” for membership in this stupid club.

That really made me mad.

First of all, why Beth Ann? Why not me? Not that I would join their stupid GGP anyway. They know Beth Ann and I are best friends. What are they trying to do, anyway? Beth Ann thinks they will probably call me too, but I can’t believe it. I told Beth Ann that I didn’t want to join their stupid GGP, and I asked Beth Ann if she was going to join if they asked her to, and she said she
didn’t know
. As if maybe she
might
. I said, “Without me?” And she said, “Oh, I don’t know!”

Mrs. Furtz came over after dinner tonight to ask my dad if he would kill a spider in her kitchen. I thought my dad would laugh at her, but he said, “Why, of course,” and off he went and she waited here and when Dad came back, she started crying and saying how she was so pathetic and helpless and didn’t think she could go on. Mom and Dad talked with her for about three hours in the kitchen, and they sent Maggie over to put her kids to bed. It was pretty sad. She looks horrible. You’d think the gods might have taken into account how much Mr. Furtz was needed at home.

Mom keeps asking Carl Ray when he is going to let his parents know about the money and the college education. Carl Ray has been saying, “Pretty soon,” but tonight he said he thought he would surprise them. He wants to take a week off work and drive home to show them his new car. He hasn’t asked his boss (the old Mr. Furtz’s brother) yet, though.

I’ve decided not to read the
Odyssey
at night anymore. I had such awful dreams last night. Someone was chasing me with this enormous pointed stick, trying to poke my eye out, and I was almost trampled to death by a herd of goats. So I read some Robert Frost poems tonight. I won’t write in red ink because I don’t understand poetry very well.

Robert Frost doesn’t seem to have a very big
vocabulary. I bet he didn’t do very well in English. But once you get used to his poems, they’re okay. I’ve always liked that one about stopping by the woods on a snowy night. We’ve had to read it (and memorize it) just about every year in English. I swear, it’s every English teacher’s favorite poem.

Last year in English class we had a big fight over it, because Mrs. Zollar was talking about the symbolism in it and asking people what they thought the road and the woods symbolized. People were saying some pretty strange things. I could see how the woods could be death, but why would he think they were so beautiful? Then someone said, Well maybe the woods symbolized “fun”—like he wants to go have fun, but he can’t because he has so many more miles to go. Well, that was stretching it, I thought, but it was possible. Then people got carried away and started saying maybe the woods represented ice cream or surfing and someone even said they symbolized sex and it was all getting out of control and finally Bonnie Argentini said that the whole thing was ridiculous and maybe Robert Frost just meant for the woods to be woods and it made her sick how everyone was always trying to say what the author meant when no one could possibly know. Then Billy Kroger told her to shut up, that she was too dense to see the “hidden meaning,” and it all went to pot after
that, with people shouting and stuff, and you could tell Mrs. Zollar was sorry she ever brought it up.

Mr. Furtz is in the woods, but I have miles to go before I sleep.

Tuesday, July 17

Oh groannn. Can’t write. Have the flu.

Wednesday, July 18

Still feel lousy but at least have stopped throwing up. Talked to Alex. He’s all better.

Thursday, July 19

I’ve recovered. Now Dennis and Dougie are sick.

I finally saw Alex again today, but I couldn’t go anywhere with him because I had to help Maggie take care of Dennis and Dougie, who are throwing up all over the place. It’s disgusting.

But Alex and I did get to be alone for about ten whole minutes. Sighhhhh. Here’s what happened. We were sitting on the front porch, and he said, “I like it when you wear that pink shirt.” (I was wearing a pink T-shirt.) I never thought boys noticed what girls wore. I thought I could wear a trash bag and no boy would ever know the difference. And
then
Alex
reached over and touched the sleeve of my shirt, as if he was checking out its pinkness or something. Well, when he touched that sleeve, I thought, Oh boy, this is it, he’s going to kiss me now. I could just feel it coming. I was dissolving into a blithering idiot.

But then Tommy started banging on the door behind us, and Alex moved his hand (alas, alas!), and Maggie said I had to go in, and I looked at Alex and he looked at me, and I said, “I like it when you wear that blue shirt” (he was wearing his blue T-shirt), and he smiled.

Ohhhhh. Is this disgusting or what? What’s the matter with me? Do you think he was going to kiss me? I wish there was a manual for this sort of thing, something that would tell you about holding hands and kissing. When should this happen? How many days should you hold hands before you kiss? Sometimes I just can’t wait for that kiss, but sometimes I think,
Ugh! Please don’t
! I wish I’d make up my mind. I wonder if Alex thinks the same things. Do boys actually think about this mushy stuff? Or do they just automatically know what to do?

We’re going to the movies again tomorrow. Only this time we will INSIST on walking and NOT TELL Carl Ray where we are going!

Beth Ann has finally decided to take some action in her battle against Derek (who is now referred to as “that jerk”). She has read to me three drafts of the
letter she is sending tomorrow. It’s all about how she loved him and trusted him and how he betrayed her and he could at least have the common decency to give her an explanation. She asked me if I thought she should send it and I said that I thought she should just forget him and NOT send it, but she decided to send it anyway. So much for my good advice.

The other thing she is thinking of doing is REVOLTING and shows you just how much this whole thing with Derek has affected her brain. She wanted to know, get this, if I thought CARL RAY liked her and if he maybe would ask her out if I suggested it!!!!!! I thought she was kidding, but she sure wasn’t. I said, “What for???” He’s
four
years older than Beth Ann, though I guess he doesn’t act it.

And she said, “Well, he’s kind of cute.”

And I said, “
Carl Ray
?” I really could not believe it. Carl Ray, cute? The same Carl Ray who sneaks around here and never makes up his stupid bed? That Carl Ray???

I told her I didn’t want any part of it, but she said that she only wanted to make Derek jealous, and if Carl Ray would ask her out, she would get him to take her to all the places she and Derek used to go so that maybe she would run into him and his new girlfriend, and that maybe if Derek saw her with
someone else he would realize how much he missed her, and on and on.

Now, that’s a
desperate
mind at work, if you ask me.

I didn’t agree to anything yet. I said I had to think about it.

Honestly.

Friday, July 20

I have about a million things to say, but my brain is too mushy from being with Alex, so they will all have to wait for tomorrow. I do love Alex Cheevey!!!!

Saturday, July 21

Saw Alex again, so cannot think.

A lot is happening, though, so I promise to catch up tomorrow.

Sunday, July 22

There are wicked thunderstorms outside right now. The wind is bashing the trees around and the trash cans are rolling down the driveway.

Mrs. Zollar said that Shakespeare and his buddies thought that if there was a storm, it was because the
universe was out of whack somewhere. And the Greeks believed storms were caused by gods who were mad at someone. Actually, I think it’s just a storm.

Didn’t see Alex today (he had to go to his grandmother’s again), so I can at least think tonight. I’ll wait and tell about Alex at the end so I don’t start getting all mushy before I remember everything else.

The most disgusting news is that Beth Ann went out with Carl Ray.

She called me on Friday morning to say that she had finally mailed a letter to “the jerk” (alias Derek-the-Divine). Beth Ann wrote this very gushy letter (she read a copy of it to me—she kept a
copy
!) to Derek all about how much she loved him and how maybe they
should
both see other people, because that way they would be able to know for sure if their hearts were telling the truth (how can hearts tell the truth?).

Then she asked me if I had hinted to Carl Ray about taking her out and I said no, I hadn’t, so she made me go with her to the hardware store to see him. It went something like this:

BETH ANN
:
(whispering to Mary Lou)
Come on then. Say something to him.

MARY LOU
:
(also whispering)
This is ridiculous.

MARY LOU
:
So hi there, Carl Ray.

CARL RAY
:
Hi.

MARY LOU
:
So. You know Beth Ann here, don’t you?

CARL RAY
:
(still straightening cans)
Unnh.

BETH ANN
:
(in her Marilyn Monroe voice)
Hellooooo, Carl Ray. I haven’t seen you in ages.

CARL RAY
:
Enh.

MARY LOU
:
So whatcha doin’, Carl Ray?

CARL RAY
:
Workin’.

MARY LOU
:
Ah.

BETH ANN
:
I bet you have a lot of responsibility here.

CARL RAY
:
What’s your name again?

BETH ANN
:
Beth Ann. Beth Ann Bartels. B-A-R-T-E-L-S. I live over at six-two-two Holmden Road. Right around the corner from Mary Lou.

MARY LOU
:
(aside to Beth Ann)
Why don’t you give him your phone number or something?

BETH ANN
:
(aside to Mary Lou)
Oh, shut up.

CARL RAY
:
(to Mary Lou)
You want something?

MARY LOU
:
Huh?

CARL RAY
:
From the store?

MARY LOU
:
Oh. Uh—

BETH ANN
:
No, we don’t want anything. We just came in to see you.

CARL RAY
:
Huh?

BETH ANN
:
Oh, we were just in the neighborhood, and I said to Mary Lou, why don’t we go in and see your cousin, since we’re right here, because, I said, I haven’t seen your cousin in
ages
and I wonder how he’s doing. So Mary Lou said okay, although she can’t stay long because she has to go home to get ready for her
date
with Alex. They’re going to the
movies
. They’re going to see that real good movie about the guy who inherits his father’s ranch and there’s this girl—well, actually, I don’t know too much about it because
I
haven’t seen it yet, but I hear it’s a romance, sort of, but it has adventure too. And it’s a little sad but also funny too. That’s what I hear. Maybe Mary Lou will tell me all about it after she and Alex see it tonight. I guess I’ll just stay home and read or something boring like
that. Don’t you hate these beautiful summer nights when all there is to do is sit home and
read
?

CARL RAY
:
What’d you say your name was again?

BETH ANN
:
Beth Ann Bartels. I live at—

MARY LOU
:
Excuse me, but I’m going to go over there and look at wallpaper paste. I’ll be right over there if either of you needs me.

Well, she did it. She got him to ask her to the movies. Unbelievable. And her parents are
letting
her go. When I told my mother, she said, “Beth Ann? With Carl Ray? But he’s seventeen years old! Whatever can her parents be
thinking
?”

Exactly.

But then Beth Ann wanted me and Alex to go with them! I really thought that was stretching friendship a bit far. I refused. So they went to the movie that
we
wanted to see (and which, by the way, Beth Ann has seen three times already), and we walked down to the Big Boy and had a hamburger and then we went to the park (by the pool) and sat on the picnic tables.

We held hands for twenty minutes (I had my watch on). I’ve been practicing kissing on one of
Maggie’s posters—there’s one of a guy who has approximately life-size lips—just in case Alex decides to kiss me. Sometimes I think he’s going to, but he gets all nervous and never does. I’m a little glad. I hope, when the time comes, I have a chance to brush my teeth first. I also hope that it doesn’t taste like chicken.

On Saturday, Beth Ann called me to tell me how wonnnnderful Carl Ray is (Carl Ray? Wonnnnderful?) and that they were going out
again
that night. Unbelievable. She
loves
his car (maybe she’s just after his money) and she thinks he’s shy (well, that’s true) and cute (pretty far-fetched, if you ask me) and
such
a gentleman (I think she’s making this up) and sooooo interesting (absolutely a bald-faced lie).

She also said that she didn’t think “the jerk” (Derek) got her letter yet (well, of
course
not, she just mailed it the day before), and, no, they hadn’t run into “the jerk” at the movies (probably because she had made him take her to it three times already), but sooner or later she and Carl Ray (she’s talking like she owns him now or something) were bound to run into the ole jerk.

Beth Ann also said that Christy had called her that morning (Saturday) and told her that the GGP (the secret club) was having a pajama party that night and only a few non-GGP girls were invited, and that
these non-GGP girls were “under consideration for membership.” They invited Beth Ann to the party, but she told Christy she couldn’t go because she had a date with an older man (oh, brother). Beth Ann decided this was good strategy anyway, and it would make them even more anxious for her to join.

Then Beth Ann said that Christy asked her a million questions about me and Alex, but Beth Ann said she really didn’t know too much about Alex because I don’t tell her very much. As if she ever gives me a chance to get a word in.

Then Beth Ann said that Christy was probably going to call me at any minute so I’d better get off the phone.

Christy didn’t call.

The other news is that Carl Ray is going home next Friday. When I mentioned that to Beth Ann today, she about blew a gasket. You’d think they were married or something. She said, “Oh, how can he leave me
now
?” and “Why does he have to go on the
weekend
?” and all that kind of malarkey.

Wild Winds and Pig-Men

I read Book Ten of the Odyssey yesterday afternoon. It was pretty good, but there are some very strange parts. For instance, King Aeolus lives on an island and he had six sons and six daughters and he made them
marry
each other (how
disgusting
), I guess
because of the island and no other people being around. The King gives Odysseus a present. It’s a bag of winds. Really, a bag full of crazy, wild winds, the kind that are blowing around outside right now. So Odysseus takes this weird present and off he goes, but when he falls asleep, his nosy men open the bag and the winds get out and there’s this horrible storm and they get tossed around and are driven about eight million miles away from their home
(
they were
almost
home until this happened
).

Then they go to another island, where Circe lives, and she changes all the men (except Odysseus, who, of course, is too clever) into pigs (Homer really gets carried away sometimes). Circe falls all over Odysseus and wants him to go to bed with her (Homer doesn’t seem to care that Odysseus is a married man) and has all her servants wash him and anoint him. You’d think he’d get tired of having other people wash him all the time and put oil all over him. (My parents don’t want me to watch any sex or violence on television. If only they knew what the school is asking us to read!)

Anyway, Odysseus and his pig-men end up staying there twelve months
!

Carl Ray happened to sneak by me in the living room while I was reading, and he asked me what part I was on. When I mentioned about Circe and the
pigs, he said, “Oh yeah. Book Ten.” This surprised the heck out of me. And when I said that I thought it was a little far-fetched about the men turning into pigs, he said, “Well, it’s a metaphor.” (Can you imagine Carl Ray even knowing what a metaphor
is
?) And I said, “How so?” and he said, “Women turn men into pigs all the time.”

Then he went into the kitchen to make himself about four sandwiches.

And I sat there thinking about that. I hate to admit it, but it’s really very interesting and I wondered why
I
didn’t think of that. Maybe this whole trip that Odysseus is on is a big metaphor, you know, like the poem about the woods on the snowy evening. That road is supposed to be the road of life.

I asked Alex about it that night when we went to the movies (Beth Ann and Carl Ray went to play miniature golf), and even
he
seemed to have known all along about all the metaphors. He said, “Sure, his whole trip is a metaphor. It’s like life, you know. All the time you’re trying to find home
(you are?)
and all the time you have these adventures.”

I never even knew that Alex paid attention in English.
I’m
supposed to be the one good in English. I felt pretty stupid. But I like the
Odyssey
better now.

I will tell only briefly about Saturday night because the thunder is scaring me to death.

We went to the movies and saw this really sappy
romance, but I have to admit that I enjoy the kissing scenes a lot more now than I used to. I’ve been
studying
them. I think I might write my own manual. Usually the guy starts the kiss, but not always. If he starts it, the girl often acts shy at first, but then she gets into it, and throws her arms around his neck. When the girl starts it, the guy usually looks pleased, and then he throws
his
arms around
her
.

One odd thing I’ve noticed is that the kisses rarely occur when everything is all quiet and romantic. They happen at times you wouldn’t ordinarily expect them, like after a fight—just when the woman has been telling the man that she hates him—or right in the middle of the street with people walking past and cars honking their horns. In the movie we saw tonight, a couple kissed right smack in the middle of the supermarket, after the woman picked up a frozen chicken! I’ve never noticed that in real life. Maybe it happens, though. Maybe I haven’t been paying enough attention.

After the movie, Alex and I went to the park and he started telling me about why he likes basketball so much, but that he’s always worried he won’t make the team. Now, that surprised me about Alex. I thought he was Mr. Basketball Confidence. And right in the middle of talking about basketball, he reached over and put his arm around me. It’s the
truth
! Now, how in the world do boys’ brains work?
How do they connect basketball and putting their arm around a girl? I would have liked a little warning. And what exactly is the girl supposed to
do
when the boy puts his arm around her? Just sit there? Move closer? Untangle her own arm and put it around him (squash!)?

I just sat there, pretending not to notice. Alex kept talking about basketball. I was pretty sure the kiss was going to come next, but it didn’t. Who cares??!! It’s getting so that if Alex just breathes on me, I feel like I have on my magic sandals and am flying off to Mount Olympus. I think maybe Alex wasn’t quite sure about this new move either, because after five minutes he moved that arm and then he scratched his head and then he leaned down and retied his shoe and then he stood up and stretched. I hope he didn’t think that I
minded
about his arm. Was I supposed to say something? Like “It is nice of you to place your arm on my shoulder. You may keep it there if you like.” Oh sighhhh. I’ll change the subject.

Apparently Beth Ann and Carl Ray (I’m going to start calling him Lance Romance, as he is finally using the shower and splashing on tons of aftershave) had a “truly di-viiiiine and wonderful” time at miniature golf (how you could have a truly divine and wonderful time trying to push little balls through a clown’s mouth is beyond me).

And Derek-the-jerk wasn’t at the miniature golf range. Surprise, surprise.

Monday, July 23

Oh, brother. I don’t believe it. That stupid Carl Ray.

At dinner tonight, Dad asked Carl Ray when he was going home and Carl Ray said he was leaving on Friday, and so Mom asked him when he would be back and he said the next Friday and then Dad asked him if he minded driving alone.

And Carl Ray said, “Don’t rightly know.”

And Dad said, “Mighty long drive.”

And Mom said, “Isn’t there anyone who could ride along with you?”

And then it went like this:

DAD
:
Good idea.

MOM
:
What about one of the kids?

Maggie looked at me and I looked at Dennis and he looked at Dougie and he looked at Tommy. Tommy said, “Me! Me! I going!”

MOM
:
No, Tommy, you’re too little.

TOMMY
:
Me! Me!

Dad looked at Maggie.

MAGGIE
:
I’d like to, honest, but I just can’t, what with watching Tommy and all, and besides, Kenny and I are going to the Easton Festival and also I promised Mrs. Furtz I would take Barry and Cathy and David and—

DAD
:
Okay, okay, I get the picture.

DENNIS
:
I’m going camping with Billy, remember?

MOM
:
Oh, right.

DOUGIE
:
And I get carsick.
(He really does.)

Everyone, by this time, is looking at me. I am in a complete panic.

MOM
:
Oh, Mary Lou! Wouldn’t you like to go?

ME
:
Sure. Sure, I’d really love to go and all, but boy, Maggie always needs help with Tommy, and Alex and I already made plans—

MOM
:
Plans? For what?

ME
:
Well, plans. To do stuff.

DAD
:
Like what?

ME
:
(What was the matter with my stupid brain?)
Well, just plans. To go to the movies—

MOM
:
You just went to the movies.

ME
:
Another movie!

DAD
:
What else?

ME
:
You know, plans.

MOM
:
Well, really, Mary Lou, you might be the best one to go, and besides, you’ve got the whole rest of the summer to see Alex.

ME
:
But—what about Alex? What if he forgets me? What if—

DAD
:
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

And that was the absolute end of that. I couldn’t believe it.

The only thing that makes me not pack my bag and run away from home is that Alex called tonight, and when I told him about having to go with Carl Ray, he said that that was amazing, because his parents had been bugging him to go with them to see his cousins in Michigan next Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, and that he’d been trying to find a way to convince them to let him stay home, but if I was going to be gone, he’d just go on with them.