Absolution (The Protectors, Book 1) (14 page)

Mace

The first thing I noticed before I even opened my eyes was the smell of cinnamon. The second thing was the warm body pressed up against me. Only problem was that there was just one and I really didn’t like how empty and cold one side of my body felt. I wanted last night back. I wanted to be surrounded in heat and soothing touches.

“Your coffee will get cold if you don’t wake up,” I heard Jonas say softly against my shoulder where his head was resting.

“Don’t want to,” I responded.

“Why not?”

“I don’t want this to be a dream.”

I felt Jonas shift and I was sure I’d lost him but then I felt his mouth brush mine. “Only way to find out is to open your eyes.”

I did just that and was rewarded with Jonas’s silver eyes watching me. “Morning,” he whispered before he kissed me again. I let him control the kiss but I couldn’t keep from wrapping my arm around his back as his tongue slid over mine. I was painfully hard when he finally released me and lowered himself back down to my shoulder.

“Where’s Cole?” I asked.

“Gone,” Jonas said. My heart constricted painfully in my chest at that. “He left a note that he needed to check on some things and that he’d be back tonight.”

Anger and fear went through me at the same time.

“He’ll be okay,” Jonas said quietly but his statement sounded more like a question. I shifted so that Jonas was flat on his back and I was hovering above him.

“He’s strong, Jonas. Smart. He knows how to take care of himself,” I said even though the words didn’t ease my own fears for Cole’s safety.

The feel of Jonas beneath me turned the pleasant warmth inside me into a full on inferno of need and I leaned down to kiss him. I kept the kiss light because I didn’t know where I stood with him. What if last night had only been about comforting me? What if daylight meant we had to go back to him hating me?

“Why?” I whispered as I brushed my thumb back and forth over his jawline. “Why did you give me that last night?”

Jonas’s fingers were brushing over my bicep but he kept his eyes on me. I could feel his erection pressed against mine and as thrilled as I was by that, I needed to know why he’d given me what he had the night before.

“Why did you stop that wood from hitting me when we first met?”

The question surprised me but it also answered my question.

“Because I needed to,” I said simply and then I settled more of my weight on him and sealed my mouth over his. I felt him shift his legs beneath me and I groaned when he opened them to make room for me. I took my time exploring his mouth as I let one of my hands travel up and down his side. When Jonas dragged his mouth from mine so he could catch his breath, I kissed my way down his neck but I didn’t go any farther. My body felt like it was on fire but I forced myself to just hold Jonas as I fought for control of my raging need. It took several minutes before I felt calm enough to shift back up and brush a chaste kiss over his lips.

“Do you want this, Jonas? Do you want to see what this thing between the three of us is?”

“You mean sex?” Jonas asked tentatively.

I hesitated with my next words because I knew the weight they carried. I knew that saying them would change the trajectory of my life forever.

I shook my head. “It would be so much more than that,” I admitted. “I can’t speak for Cole but I want everything with you, with him.”

Jonas reached up to sift his fingers through my hair. His silence frightened me…maybe I had misread the events of last night. What if Cole and Jonas had merely pitied me in that moment and nothing more? What if they didn’t feel the completeness that I’d felt when we were wrapped around each other?

“I want it,” Jonas suddenly whispered and then he was urging me down. His kiss was gentle at first, teasing, exploring. Then his hunger took over and he stole into my mouth with vicious intent. As much as I wanted to wrap myself around Jonas and never come up for air, I knew something was missing. Not something…someone. I allowed myself one more taste of him before pulling back.

“I want us to wait for Cole,” I said. I didn’t know how to explain that despite my intense need for Jonas, it didn’t feel like enough. But when Jonas nodded, I knew he got it.

“Me too,” he whispered.

I smiled as relief flooded my system. I had no idea what the hell was happening between the three of us but I wanted it. I wanted all of it.

“Mace,” Jonas said as I began to pull back from him.

I stopped and looked down at him.

“I…I don’t know if I’ll be able to...” Jonas’s voice dropped off as he struggled with whatever he was trying to say. I let my fingers trail up and down his arm before I linked our fingers together.

“I haven’t been with anyone since Casey and I left Chicago. I tried once in Paris but it didn’t go well…”

Understanding dawned and a bone-crushing sadness settled in my chest but I kept my expression soft. “Nothing happens that you don’t want,” I said.

“I want to try…I want to be a part of whatever happens,” he said, his voice shaky. “I just don’t want you and Cole to be disappointed if I can’t let you-”

I kissed him before he could finish because I didn’t want him to end his sentence with “fuck me.” It was too crude of a word to describe what I wanted to do with Jonas.

“I can guarantee that nothing you do or don’t do would ever disappoint us,” I said against his lips. I kissed him gently a few times until I felt the tension ease from his body. I levered off of him and sat up enough so I could reach for the coffee. I was thrilled when Jonas adjusted his position so he was still laying against me.

“How did you know so much about construction work?” I heard Jonas ask.

I let my fingers sift through his hair as I spoke. “My dad owns a construction company. I worked for him all through high school and for a little while after I left the force.”

“You were a police officer.”

“Yeah, for almost ten years. I left after…after Evan,” I said. I had trouble controlling the tremor in my voice when I said my son’s name.

“Are your parents still alive?”

“They are. They live in Philadelphia. That’s where I grew up.”

“Do you see them a lot?”

When I didn’t answer right away, Jonas sat up and shifted so he was facing me. I couldn’t call the words forth so I just shook my head. My throat hurt as I recalled the last time I’d talked to my mother and father.

“After we lost Evan, I wasn’t in a good place. I guess I needed to punish myself because they wouldn’t. Neither would Shel. I hated them for that…”

“What happened to your wife?”

Pain lanced through me at the thought of Shelby. “She remarried a few years ago. She had a baby last year.”

“You keep in touch with her?”

I shook my head and dropped my eyes. “I go there sometimes to check on them. Her and my parents.”

“But you don’t talk to them?”

“No,” I said. I lifted my eyes and spoke before Jonas could ask his next question. “I did some really shitty things, Jonas. Things you can’t just come back from.”

I was glad when Jonas merely nodded and then leaned forward to give me a kiss before he climbed out of bed. “Is it safe enough to take a walk?”

I nodded.

“Great. Cole said there’s a lake nearby. Let’s go check it out.”

* * *

I used my foot to gently rock the porch swing back and forth as my eyes surveyed the end of the driveway for any sign of headlights. I had the rifle resting across my lap as my eyes slowly adjusted to the falling darkness and I began tightening my grip on it as my fear for Cole began to increase. As the tension within me began to build, I forced myself to focus on the events of the day instead.

Somehow my admission to Jonas that I wanted to explore a relationship with him and Cole had brought down some of the walls that had stood between us and as we’d explored the property, he’d been more relaxed than I’d ever seen him. He’d joked with me and shared stories about the culture shock he’d experienced when he’d first arrived in Paris. I’d also heard countless stories about many of the rescue animals he and Casey had worked with during the years they’d spent running the small animal shelter after they’d left Chicago. But as the day went on and Cole hadn’t returned, I’d sensed the same worry in him that was going through me.

It was how I knew I was in love with both of them. I’d known pretty quickly that my feelings for Jonas ran deeper than just simple fascination or attraction so admitting that I was in love with him was easy. What I felt for Cole was unexpected, especially considering the short time we’d known each other for. But the second he’d confronted me last night, refusing to let me walk away from both of them after my admission about how Evan had died, I’d realized the truth. I was completely and utterly in love with two men at the same time and I couldn’t and wouldn’t be able to choose between them.

I automatically reached for my rifle when I saw headlights flash at the end of the driveway. Relief was my first reaction when I saw my car come into view but it quickly turned to anger. And it didn’t help when Cole barely acknowledged my presence as he strode past me into the house.

I followed him into the kitchen and watched him dump a couple of plastic bags on the table and then he was opening a bottle from the six pack of beer he’d been holding. He took several long drags on it before he glanced at me and snapped, “What?”

“
That’s
what you’re going to say to me right now?” I bit out as I leaned the rifle in the corner.

“You’re not my fucking keeper, Mace.” He drained the beer and reached for another one. “Where’s Jonas?”

“Asleep,” I said. “Between the nightmares last night and him worrying about you all day, he was worn out.”

Cole stilled in the process of opening the second beer and I knew he was remembering the two episodes Jonas had had the night before. The first had been similar to most of the ones I’d witnessed and Cole and I ended up positioning Jonas between us in the middle of the night as he’d fought off his unseen attacker. He hadn’t completely awoken and having both Cole and me soothing him with soft words and touches had seemed to help bring him out of it. The second nightmare had been worse because Jonas had started calling out Carrie’s name. And while he hadn’t gotten violent, his anguished cries as he’d apologized to Carrie over and over had left their mark on Cole.

“Where did you go?” I asked.

“Home. I needed to check up on some things.”

“You should have waited to talk to me about it,” I said as I watched Cole begin draining the second beer.

“I made sure I wasn’t followed,” Cole growled.

“That’s not what I meant.”

Cole ignored me and reached for yet another beer. I stepped forward and snatched it from him. The move flipped some kind of switch inside of him because he used all his weight to shove me back. And then he kept coming at me until my back hit the wall. He pulled his fist back to hit me, the rage in his eyes glittering like diamonds. “Do it,” I said quietly.

I didn’t know if it was my tone that deflated his anger or something else but he dropped his arm and released his hold on me. But when he didn’t step back, I snagged my arm around him and turned us so that it was his back to the wall.

“What happened?” I asked as I gently pinned his arms to the wall.

“I can’t stop it,” he whispered. “He’s going to die and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“Who?”

“My father.”

“Is that who you went to check on?”

Cole nodded. “You know what he is, don’t you? You saw him at the funeral.”

I’d suspected but I hadn’t said anything. “He’s an alcoholic.”

Another nod. “I’m trying to get him to go to rehab…”

“But he won’t go,” I finished for him.

“You should have seen him, Mace - the man he used to be. I don’t even know him anymore.”

“Men like him need to hit bottom before they’ll get help, Cole. Believe me, I know.”

Cole studied me for a long moment before saying, “You?”

I nodded. “Six years sober.” I leaned in to kiss him. “We’ll get him some help when this is over. I promise.”

“You talk like you’ll still be around when we figure all this out.”

I wanted to tell him I wasn’t going anywhere but I couldn’t because I didn’t know what the hell was going to happen. So I kissed him again and felt a thrill go through me when Cole kissed me back. We were both breathless by the time I pulled back and I rested my forehead on his as I tried to recover. “Is this okay?”

Cole seemed to know what I was talking about because he nodded and then kissed me.

“Have you ever been with another man?” I asked.

“No,” he admitted as he leaned his head back against the wall. “I’m completely out of my element here, Mace. And that should scare the shit out of me but it doesn’t. None of this makes any sense but I want it.”

I slashed my lips over his again and sucked, nipped and licked at his mouth until he was desperately rubbing his dick against mine. I tore my lips from his and said, “It has to be with both of us. Me and Jonas. Or not at-”