Accepted (17 page)

He grabbed my shoulders and turned me around. I couldn’t lift my face to look at him. I knew that if I did, my resolve would crumble. I couldn’t jeopardize my situation any more than I already had.

But I couldn’t turn back around and walk out his door either.

I had to do something; I felt like I would explode if I didn’t. I longed to touch him, feel him, but would not give in. I had too much to lose — Colin included. Having him in my life was much more important than my own selfish desires.

I stepped toward him and wrapped my arms around his waist, pulling my body to his, then laid my head on his chest. I whispered, so low that I wasn’t sure if he’d hear it, "I’m sorry."

He heard. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me tighter.

The need I’d felt for him began to ebb, and it was at that moment, in his arms, that I realized I didn’t just like Colin, and I didn’t just want Colin.

I
loved
Colin.

And that was the thought which gave me the strength to turn around and leave his room.

I rushed down the hall, toward my room, and felt, rather than heard, him following me.

"Ashley, wait!" Colin yelled.

But I kept moving until I reached my door. I flung it open and ran inside, shutting it behind me. I leaned against the door as tears sprang to my eyes.

I was terrified that I had ended our friendship — for good this time.

I jumped when I heard Colin reach my room and sag against the door.

"Ashley, open the door."

His voice was gentle, and I heard the pain in it, but I didn’t answer him. I slid down the door until I was seated and leaned my head back against it. When I closed my eyes, I pictured him doing the same thing.

"Ashley," he called again. Then, much more quietly, he asked, "Why are you doing this?"

And I thought about that. Weighing all the factors, I thought about why I was doing this not only to Colin, but to myself. I could say it was because of Randi, and part of it was, but mostly it was because of me.

I couldn’t be in love — not now, not here, and especially not with Colin. I needed things to stay the same. I needed Amber, Becca, Randi and Colin. Being with him would change things between us, all of us. I liked who I was here — who I was becoming as a whole — and before I did anything else new, I wanted to finish becoming her.

Mostly though, I wanted to move on from my past. I wanted this place to truly be my home. I had started anew, and I didn’t want my problems or fears from the past to affect me here. I couldn’t be with Colin if I couldn’t be honest with him — and I wasn’t ready to let him, or anyone, completely in.

I would talk to him, try to fix things yet again, to be friends for the last time, but not tonight, not while we were here alone. I’d talk to him tomorrow when everyone came back, when I knew it would be safer.

Still leaning against the door, I dropped my head into my hands. Through them, I softly muttered the only thing I could think to say that night.

"I’m sorry, Colin. I’m so sorry."

And I listened as he quietly stood and walked away.

****

There were many mornings in my life where I had woken up and knew something was wrong but just could not pinpoint exactly what it was. That next morning was one of them.

I awoke with a feeling of dread — not the kind of dread one feels on the day of a big exam, but the kind where one knows that something awful happened, something has changed, but no matter what, they have to get up and face the day.

I'd felt this feeling numerous times, and so often the hazy cloud of exhaustion had lifted, and I found myself alone in the world with no place to live and nowhere to go. But on those days I got up and faced the day, knowing that somehow things would be made right.

When the cloud lifted that morning, I knew that only I could make things right, but I wasn’t sure how to do it.

I wanted to go for a run but decided that it would be better if I didn’t procrastinate. Instead, I took a shower, got ready, and then headed over to Colin’s room.

People had begun arriving back early that morning, so it was somewhat busy in the dorm. Anxiety and anticipation nearly overcame me as I walked down the hall, pausing at Colin’s door. I stood there for a minute, composed myself, then knocked lightly.

He didn’t answer.

I knocked again, harder this time, and waited silently, listening for movement in his room.

There was none. I turned away and went back to my room, leaving the door open so I’d know when he came back.

And that was how I spent my last day of the Thanksgiving break — sitting in my room, pretending to study, and looking up every time someone walked by my room, which was about every one and a half minutes. It wasn’t until late afternoon — long after Amber and Becca had returned back — when Colin finally appeared.

He appeared with Randi.

It was getting close to dinnertime when they sauntered into my room together and asked Amber and I if we’d like to go get dinner. I looked up at him, alternately thrilled and terrified to see him. I’d expected a reaction from him — something, a look maybe, in his eyes or on his face, but there was nothing. He just looked from Amber to me and back again with a big smile on his face.

My heart fell. I’m not sure how I was expecting him to act, but this was not it.

"I’m not hungry."

My words were overshadowed by Amber’s squeal of delight at seeing Randi for the first time in four days.

I waited for them to exit the room, not daring to look at Colin again. When they were gone, I changed into my jogging clothes and headed out the door.

****

Most days, running clears my head. Not that day. That day I couldn’t get the image of Colin and his smile, walking into my room with Randi, out of my head. I ran faster and faster but couldn’t outrun it.

I was about to quit and turn back toward the dorm when I heard my name from across the street. I looked up and saw Colin jogging across the street toward me.

"Hey," he said, a little out of breath.

"Hey."

We both just stood there for a minute, staring at each other.

"What are you doing here? I thought you went to dinner."

"I was…worried about you." And he smiled softly. "I think I was trying…" He paused for a minute, and I stared at his face. "I was trying to hurt you, maybe, or upset you. You know, not being here today, leaving without telling you, and I feel really bad. I never want to upset you." And he reached up and stroked my face.

I felt tears stinging my eyes but blinked them back. "Colin, you have to stop."

"Stop what, Ashley?" He asked softly as he continued stroking my cheek.

I closed my eyes and put my head down. I didn’t want to see the hurt I was about to inflict cross his beautiful face.

"You have to stop being so nice, so caring. We can’t do this." I looked up at him and said more forcefully, "It
can’t
happen."

The hurt I expected to see wasn’t there; instead Colin looked calm, as if he’d been expecting this.

"Give me one good reason, Ashley,
one
reason we can’t be together." He stepped closer to me, his hand now cupping my face.

"Randi," I answered quickly, instinctively. She’d always been my first excuse. "She likes you, and I can’t do that to my friend."

He smiled. "That’s not a good reason."

I opened my mouth to protest, but he stopped me.

"I don’t like her, not like that, and you know it. I’ve known her forever — since we were kids. We’re friends, Ashley. That’s all, and it’s about time she realized it." He smiled again, wider now, and leaned down toward me. "Besides, that doesn’t work, you met me
before
you met Randi — remember the stairwell — so I’m fair game."

Of course I remembered the stairwell; he didn’t have to torture me by reminding me.

"No, Colin, you’re not." I took a step back. "She likes you, and she’s my friend."

He dropped his hand and stared at me for a minute. Then, he said, his eyes narrowing, "It’s a stupid reason, Ashley. You know it." He stepped toward me, closing the gap I’d just made. "What’s the real reason, Ashley? I know you care about me, so what’s the real reason?" he demanded.

"That is the real reason. Randi
is
the real reason. I like it here. I like having friends…"

"Stop it," he nearly yelled. He looked at me, the hurt I’d feared inflicting earlier written all over his face. "You’ll still have friends. Stop using Randi — some girl you met two months ago — as an excuse. I’ve been friends with her for years, Ash, years, and I’m not worried about it. Just…stop and be honest, Ashley."

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I wanted to compose myself, to hide the despair in my voice, but it was no use. Colin was going to hate me; I just knew it.

I exhaled the shaky breath, opened my eyes, and said softly, "I am being honest."

I couldn’t force my eyes upward; I simply stared at the ground, waiting for his response.

He let out a puff of air, almost like a chuckle. "Then tell me you don’t care about me. Tell me that you don’t
want
to be with me." His voice was tight.

"Of course I care about you, Colin. You’re one of the best friends I’ve ever known…"

"Not like that, Ashley, and you know it. Tell me you don’t want me. Come on, say it." I looked up as he threw his hands in the air. "I don’t believe this, Ashley. Weren’t you here? Weren’t you here this weekend?"

He looked at me, and I saw the hurt in his eyes. He stepped closer to me again. "Weren’t you the girl falling asleep in my arms the other night?" His voice was softer now. "You told me about your family, Ash. You let me in. I thought that meant…" He paused, shaking his head.

I opened my mouth to say something, anything to make him understand, but no words came out. I just stood there staring at him, wishing I could make things right, but having no idea how to.

Suddenly, he chuckled sarcastically, almost angrily. "This isn’t about Randi. It’s not about Randi or Amber or anyone else, Ash. It’s not even about me." He took another step closer. He no longer looked hurt; he looked mad. "This is about you, Ashley."

Colin let out an incredulous laugh. "I’m here, Ash." He held out his arms. "I’m standing in front of you telling you that I want you in my life as more than a friend. I’m not going to kill myself. I’m not going to leave you. I’m right here. I’m right here." He said that last line gently.

I blinked back tears, thinking I should run away, but my feet didn’t move.

"You loved people who didn’t love you enough to stay. I’m not like that, Ashley, but you need to figure that out for yourself. Don’t blame Randi, though, or anyone else, for what the others did."

And with that, the tears spilled over. Colin reached for me, but I stepped back again, just out of his grasp.

"Ashley…"

He may have said more, but I didn’t hear it. I was already running.

Chapter Twelve

Life without Colin, this time around was miserable.

I missed him before — that week we didn’t speak — but it was nothing like this. This was
painful
. I longed for him.

During the days, every word and every action would bring me back to him, and at night, I dreamt of him. Not every night, but many, and so often I’d wake up forgetting what had happened, and when it hit me, I felt the despair all over again.

Losing people had never hurt like this before.

Thoughts of our weekend together haunted me, and no matter how hard I had tried to prevent it, or how much I tried to deny it, Colin and I had become much more than friends.

I think he missed me as well, at least at the beginning. A few days after our last encounter, Colin confronted me. Well, he tried to.

He caught up with me outside after class. He touched my arm; I turned to him.

"Ashley…," he said and stopped.

I stood there for a moment, alternately hoping he would say more and wishing he would walk away. Then I looked up into his beautiful face and, though it took everything in me not to show him how I felt, how much I missed and wanted him, I pulled my arm from him.

"Leave me alone, Colin," was all I said as I walked away.

It was the last time Colin attempted to talk to me. From that point on, he avoided me as I avoided him.

It amazed me how much had changed since Thanksgiving. It seemed that time passed more slowly. Maybe that was because I was actually ready for the semester to end.

Before, I dreaded breaks from school for fear of being lonely or worrying about where I’d have to live, but I was looking forward to winter break now. I wanted to be alone. I wanted a break from everything, time alone to regroup.

The irony of my situation didn’t escape me. I’d pushed Colin away because I didn’t want to lose him and our friends. I was afraid the dynamic would change. I loved my life and wanted it to stay exactly the way it was.

And in pushing him away, I had changed everything.

I’d ruined my friendship with Colin and was well on my way to ruining my friendship with everyone else I cared about. I no longer loved my life. The dynamic had shifted drastically, and I was to blame.

Randi and Amber were still the same. Only my perception of them had changed. They flitted in and out of my consciousness much like they flitted in and out of our dorm room.

Becca was different, though. She knew something big had changed — felt its shift. She was there more often. Before Thanksgiving, she’d study in her room or read in the lounge by herself. Now she sought me out, studying at my desk or lounging on my bed reading. And when I began spending less time in the dorm, opting for the tranquility of the library or a science lab — places where the chance of running into Colin was less likely — Becca began joining me in those places, too.

She was always there — not in an annoying or smothering way, but in a comforting way. It was nice that she was there, and it was reassuring, but it did not make the loss of Colin hurt any less.

In the course of a week, my entire life changed. I came to rely on Becca more, to care about Amber and Randi less, and to miss Colin in a way I could have never imagined.