Accepted (16 page)

Lost in thought, I turned to look at Colin. I noticed something in his eyes, something different. Pity had replaced the look of compassion that had dominated his face earlier. Pity. He felt
sorry
for me. I looked away quickly.

"It wasn’t a big deal," I said, trying to cover my embarrassment. "I didn’t want him around anyway." I dropped his hand, turned around, and started walking back toward our dorm.

Colin noticed the change in air between us; he felt me pulling away, shutting down. He ran to catch up with me.

"Whoa, Ashley, what just happened?" He asked, confusion creeping into his voice.

"Nothing," I replied, shaking my head. "Nothing happened. Like I said, you asked for one thing. I gave you, like, ten. Good enough." I picked up my pace.

"Ashley, stop."

I ignored him and started walking even faster.

"Ashley!" He was upset. Colin knew he’d upset me, but he didn’t know how. He grabbed my arm, lightly, but still hard enough to make me stop. "Please, tell me what just happened."

I twirled around to face him and looked directly into his eyes. The look of pity was gone, having been replaced by confusion and, something else, something that looked curiously like pain. I stopped, brought up short by the look in his eyes. Again, I felt tears stinging my eyes. This time I didn’t try to blink them away, and they spilled over and down my cheeks.

Now Colin looked alarmed. He took his free hand and touched my cheek, brushing a tear aside. I looked into his eyes, surprised by the gesture, by the conversation, by everything.

"What did I do?" he whispered.

"Don’t feel sorry for me, Colin." I looked away. "I don’t want your pity. I’m fine. I…"

He cut me off. "Pity you?" Colin sounded incredulous. "Is that’s what this is about?" Taking my face in his hands, he forced me to look at him. "That’s why you don’t let anyone in, because you don’t want them feeling sorry for you?" The disbelief was still in his voice. "Ashley, I don’t pity you. Your parents died, and that’s sad. It…makes me sad, but I don’t pity you. I just want to be here for you. I want to understand you. I just want to know you."

He let go of my face. Immediately, my gaze dropped to the ground. "I looked at you," I began quietly and started examining my fingernails. "I saw pity in your eyes." I took a deep breath and looked up at him. "My life was hard, Colin, but I’m here now, and it’s not hard anymore." I smiled at the thought. "I have a place to live and people I really care about, and I’m happy. I’m really lucky."

Colin tucked a piece of stray hair behind my ear and said, "Good, Ash. I want you to be happy." Then, he took my hand in his and began leading me back toward our dorm. "You know what would make me happy?" he asked.

"Um, no?" It came out like a question rather than an answer.

"Pizza." And he turned his head and looked at me. "What do you say?"

I just smiled and nodded.

****

When we got back to the residence hall, I went to my room while Colin went to order the pizza. To be honest, I needed a moment to regroup.

The people I lived with throughout my life were all relatives of some sort; they all knew about my mother and her illness, and they all knew about my father and his selfishness. Colin was the first person to know these things about me, who didn’t actually know my parents.

My entire being was filled with a mix of emotions. Fear was the most prominent. Colin said he didn’t feel sorry for me, but it was difficult to believe him. I’d seen it in his eyes, or at least, I’d thought I had. I couldn’t have him, or anyone else for that matter, feeling sorry for me. I fit in here, and I was petrified something would take that away.

The other, relatively prominent, emotion coursing through me was relief. It felt wonderful to finally talk to someone,
anyone,
to finally open up. It was hard work, always being careful not to say too much, not to give too much away, always on edge. It bothered me to lie or tell half-truths; I hated constantly changing the subject for fear it would become my turn to answer a question. It felt so good finally to have some of it off my chest, as if a weight had been removed from my shoulders.

It was almost liberating.

****

After lunch, Colin finally decided he was tired and went to his room to take a nap. I tried to get some sleep too, but found I wasn’t able to. Instead, I laid around my room, reading, and enjoying the quiet.

Around seven that evening, Colin came to my room to see what I was doing and if I wanted dinner.

"I’m not really hungry. I’m actually still full from lunch."

"Okay. I think I’m going to heat up some of our leftovers from yesterday and then watch a movie. You in?"

The events of the past two days were beginning to catch up with me, and I was starting to feel a little loopy from lack of sleep. Laying down in front of a television to watch a movie did not sound like a bad idea at all.

"I’m definitely in. I’m just going to get changed real quick. I’m freezing."

Our dorm seemed to get progressively colder as the weekend wore on. I wasn’t sure if there was a problem, or the school was just trying to save money while most of the students were away, but it was starting to get really cold.

I put on my warmest, comfiest sweats, grabbed my comforter and headed to the lounge to meet Colin.

"What are we watching?" I asked when I got there. He was sitting at a table eating what looked like turkey and mashed potato sandwiches on the dinner rolls I made.

"I haven’t quite figured that out yet. Any suggestions?"

I walked over to the cabinet that housed the dorm’s meager collection of movies. "I probably haven’t seen any of them, so it’s really up to you."

Colin put his sandwich down and walked to where I was standing.

"What are you in the mood for — funny or scary?"

I looked up at him. "Never scary."

He laughed. "Funny it is." He plucked a movie from the shelf and put it in the DVD player.

I sat on the sofa, waiting for Colin as he finished his meal and cleaned up. He turned off the lights in the room before coming over to sit beside me.

"Good call with the comforter. It’s freezing," he said as he sat down.

"Here." I offered him part of the blanket. "We can share."

He moved closer on the sofa, covering his legs, and we settled in to watch the movie.

I’m not actually sure how or when it happened, but sometime during the movie, Colin and I shifted. No longer were we sitting next to each other with space between us. Instead, we were wrapped together in my comforter, my head on his chest and his arms around me, tucked into his side.

I didn’t want to move. I was afraid even to breathe, fearing if I moved at all, he’d move and somehow I wouldn’t be here anymore with his arms wrapped around me.

I had planned on going to bed early that night, but not quite like this. Before I knew it, I felt myself dozing off in Colin’s arms. I was so warm and comfortable, and as I was nodding off, it registered in my brain where I was, and I thought there really was nothing better than falling asleep in Colin’s arms.

And I realized, just a short time later, that I was wrong. There was one thing better than falling asleep in Colin’s arms and that was waking up in them.

"Ashley."

I heard a voice gently say my name, and when I opened my eyes, they were looking directly into Colin’s.

I blinked up at him, still unwilling to move.

"It’s getting late, Ash. Let’s get you to bed." He gently unwrapped his arms from around me and helped me up. I was still in a fog.

Colin took my hand and walked me to my room. When we got to the door, I turned to look at him. He had such a tender look in his eyes that it left me speechless. He reached up and brushed my hair, which had become unruly, away from my face. Then, he leaned down and kissed my forehead and said quietly, "Good night."

His gentleness took me by surprise — so much so that I just stood there, watching his retreating body as he walked back toward the lounge.

That night, I slept fitfully. Even though I’d been dozing comfortably in Colin’s arms, out of them, I was restless. When I did sleep, he was in my thoughts. He invaded more than one of my dreams that night.

Chapter Eleven

When I woke up the next morning, I was still exhausted. I thought about staying in bed and going back to sleep, but decided against it as I was determined to do at least some of the studying I’d planned for this weekend.

I took a quick shower and got dressed for the day. I briefly considered going for a run but decided instead to wake Colin up.

I strode down the hall toward his room, excited for the chance to torture Colin as he had me these past two days. When I got to his room, I knocked loudly on the door, hollering, "Colin! Wake up!"

I heard him moving and was extremely disappointed when he opened the door, not only wide awake but fully dressed.

He grinned at me. "Good morning. I thought you were going to sleep the day away."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "It’s nine in the morning — that’s hardly the day."

He chuckled. "Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed, I see."

I just glared at him, wanting to say something but I couldn’t think of anything mean enough.

"Hungry?" he asked with a smirk on his face.

I wanted to say no just because I could tell he was, but I was starving, so instead I nodded and followed him down the hall.

"So, what’s on the agenda for today?" He slowed to let me catch up to him.

"I have to study. I planned to catch up on all my studying this weekend." As I said it, I remembered that Colin’s reason for staying here for the holiday was to study — I think for a Genetics exam — but I hadn’t seen him crack a book.

"Yeah, me too. We’ll study together." And he looked over at me and smiled.

"Studying Genetics?"

"Yeah, and you know, we have that Orgo test coming up. We can probably help each other."

I nodded, a little confused, but responded, "Okay."

Colin and I had breakfast at a small diner just off campus, and when we returned, we decided to get right to work.

We decided to study in Colin’s room. The temperature in the dorm was still dropping, and for some reason, his room was the warmer of the two. By now, the lounge was freezing, so it was out altogether.

I gathered my books, threw on a sweater, and went to Colin’s room. He was sitting on Brett’s bed with some books spread around him.

"You cleaned," I said as I looked around.

"Brett did, sort of. He just took everything home to be washed over the holiday."

I laughed.

"I figured you’d want the desk or my bed…" He trailed off.

I shook my head. "Yeah, that’s good. I’ll sit here." And I sat on Colin’s bed and opened my book.

We studied for the entire day, only really breaking our concentration to move around the room to get more comfortable. We took turns sitting on each bed, the floor, and Colin’s desk. Moving around helped break up the tedium. The only real break we took was for an early dinner of leftovers.

It was nice, spending the day with Colin like this. We weren’t doing anything exciting, like cooking a huge dinner, but it was comfortable.

By the time I finished my Spanish and history work, Colin was already onto Organic Chemistry. When I pulled my Orgo notebook from my bag and opened it, I realized that I hadn’t written down the chapters we needed to cover for the test.

I didn’t want to disturb Colin as he studied, so I got up and walked up behind him at his desk. I came up behind him quietly and leaned over his shoulder, searching the page of his textbook for the chapter number. I was trying not to disturb him, but I leaned too close and brushed his shoulder, startling him.

He jumped and turned his face toward me as I leaned down to him. I could feel his breath on my cheek and instantly was frozen. I wanted to pull back, straighten up, and turn away somehow. But when my body finally decided to unfreeze, instead of turning away, I turned my face to his; his lips were less than an inch from mine.

And I just stood there, leaning over him, and watched as Colin leaned into me, closing the space between us, and lightly brushed his lips against mine. He pulled back and looked at me; I still didn’t move. He leaned in and again brushed his lips against mine, more forcefully this time, and again pulled back to look into my face.

Suddenly, he turned his body toward me, pushed out his chair, and stood up. He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me to him, crushing his mouth to mine. For the briefest moment, I was frozen, and then I closed my eyes and let my body melt against his.

Colin saw his opening and took it, wrapping his arms around me, opening his mouth over mine. He ran his hand down my back until it was splayed across the small of my back, pulling me closer until there wasn’t even the smallest space between us.

I sighed into his mouth, stopping just short of moaning, as I ran my fingers through his hair.

This was my first kiss. I didn’t know it would feel like this. This was intense, impassioned, and all-consuming.

It was everything I could have dreamed of, and I knew it had to stop.

I knew I had to stop this — to pull away — but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to. I wanted to stay there forever, just me and Colin alone — his arms clutching me to his chest, but I knew that wouldn’t happen. People would return soon, and life would be back to normal.

In my normal life, I couldn’t have Colin.

I’m not sure if Colin realized that I was going to pull away or if I did, but the kiss turned even more intense. Colin's arms pulled impossibly tighter, our bodies pressed impossibly closer. When I finally found the strength to pull away, it was almost painful. When I finally did, I headed straight for the door.

"Wait," he said breathlessly, grabbing my arm. "What’s wrong?"

I couldn’t look at him. I didn’t turn around, just kept my back to him.

"We can’t do this, Colin. We’re friends. We have to stay friends."

I felt him take a step forward. He was right behind now, and all I wanted was to lean back against his chest and pull his arms around me. I wanted to turn around and touch his face, pull it down to mine, feel his arms around me, but I just stood there.