Across Eternity (16 page)

"Were we supposed to be meeting like that?" she asked. "I
mean was it allowed?"

"I’m not sure, but we did it anyway. You did tell me once that
we were special. I assumed that meant not many spirits connected the way we
did. Amber, this is all I know. To me it’s all so normal. At first I
thought everyone had a special friend they could only see and no one else
could. It wasn’t until I grew older that I realized just how special we
really were."

"When your dad died, did you ever seen him?"

Logan shook his head. "I only saw you. I don’t walk into rooms
and see dead people. You are the only spirit I ever saw."

She was quiet as she thought about it. "Did I ever tell you what I was
doing over there? When I wasn’t with you?"

"No and I never asked." He raised his shoulders. "I just
assumed you were doing what every other spirit did on the other side."

"Did I have a name?"

"No. All I knew was you were mine and you belonged with me. I
didn’t care about a name or what you looked like, I just needed
you."

"When did things get easier for you?"

"School really kept my mind busy when I was younger. And as I grew
older my businesses have kept me occupied, but it was never painless or
easy."

"When you go," Amber refused to say the word die. "Will
you visit me the way I visited you?"

"I wish I knew."

"So this may be just a fluke. A little hiccup in all our live spent
together. Somehow we remember now but it may never be that way again?"

"I don’t think it’s an accident. I like to think this is
just how we are. I know in every life we find each other and to me that’s
all that really matters."

"Can I ask why you never told your family that you could see me? You
are all so close and they
are so understanding
I thought
you would have shared with them your special ability. Were you worried they
might not have believed you?"

Logan smiled at her choice of words. "I think they would have believed
me or at the very least indulge me. But I didn’t even consider that. In
the beginning it felt so right and natural I didn’t think to tell anyone
simply because I didn’t find it unusual. But then I realized what we had
was special and you were special and I wanted to keep you all to myself. I
liked knowing that no one else knew about you but me. Besides, it’s not
like I was able to see ghosts. I only was able to see you and once you left
that was it."

Logan turned when he heard a car pull up in the front. "It sounds like
Anna and Kevin had arrived for dinner."

Amber stopped him with her hand. "Thank you for sharing with
me."

****

Over the week they rode bikes through town, went wine tasting, and hit every
antique shop in the area. Midweek, on a warm afternoon, Logan had claimed he
had to get away because he needed to be alone with her. Amber had tried to talk
him out of going, claiming he really needed to spend time with his family. But
ultimately she had been glad she wasn’t able to change his mind. He had
surprised her with a romantic picnic for two in the middle of a vineyard. Since
his friend had owned the winery they had stayed until the sun set and the stars
appeared. It had been well into the night before they had packed up their
things and headed back to Marian’s.

Amber had gone to two yoga classes with Anna while Logan and Kevin had gone
kite shopping and kite flying. Amber decided yoga was definitely a skill and
one that she needed a lot of work on. Anna had sent her home with a mat and
bands so she could practice.

Amber was also grateful that there had been enough time for her and Marian
to bake cookies, prune roses, and repot and transplant a wheelbarrow full of
bulbs together. During it all Marian never once stopped telling stories about
her children.

Anna had invited everyone over to her house for dinner the last night they
were in town. Amber had found that Anna was definitely her mother’s
daughter, for her home was just as warm and filled with as much love as
Marians.

Amber was sad but ready to head back to Logan’s when they bid everyone
a good bye and drove back to the plane. She had almost fallen asleep on the car
ride to the house. Logan had to nudge her when they pulled into the drive.
"We’re home."

In the garage Amber walked to the trunk to retrieve their things.

"They can wait." Logan said has he held open the door and they
walked into the kitchen. "We can unpack tomorrow."

Amber dropped her purse on the counter and turned to find herself in
Logan’s arms.

"We’re not doing that again for a long time," he said.

"I had so much fun. I really love your family."

"I like having you here all to myself," he said huskily as he
pushed her up against the wall and his mouth found hers in a consuming kiss. He
couldn’t have stopped himself if he wanted to. His hands tangled in her
hair and then moved down the length of her body caressing each curve as he
pressed tightly against her. She clung to him as he reached around and cupped
her backside, pulling her even closer.

When Logan finally broke the kiss, his lips moved to rest against her
temple. "I’ll never be able to get close enough to you," he
whispered hoarsely.

"Don’t stop."

Her name was heavy on his lips when he spoke, "Amber." He
planted his arms on either side of her head as he fought for control.

Amber touched his face, her fingers moving over the handsome angles.
"You can get closer," she insisted as she looked deep into his
eyes.

He shook his head. "Forgive me?" he asked her tenderly.

Amber’s throat tightened as she fought the tears that burned her eyes.
"Why won’t you let it go any farther? You push us both to the edge
and then pull away. Do you hear my heart beating right now? I want you so badly
I can barely breathe."

Logan didn’t say a word. Instead he closed his eyes and allowed his
head to fall against hers.

"Damn it, why are you doing this?" she closed her eyes as she
tried to control the emotions racing through her. Her
lisps
were hovering inched from his. She couldn’t stand it. It was torture
being so near him and not being able to have him. She ducked under his arms and
moved away. Her gaze lingered on him for a long time. "Will you do
something with me?" she finally asked when she was able to find her
voice.

"What is it?"

"Will you take a bath with me in that huge tub of yours?"

When he didn’t move or speak something in Amber flickered. It started
in the pit of her stomach and spread throughout. She watched him blindly for a
moment before she slowly began to back out of the room.

"Amber, please," he said somberly as turned toward her.

"Please what?"

"Please, understand."

She stood before him, tucking her hands in her pockets awkwardly. How was
she supposed to understand? "I don’t."

"This is…this is hard," he said clumsily.

"How so?"
She watched him struggle to
find the right words. "Can you? I mean is it because you’re
sick."

He shook his head solemnly. "No, it’s not because I’m
sick."

"So you can make love to me. You just won’t." She looked
away and blinked her eyes quickly to dry any tears. "That makes me feel
so much better," she said defensively as she tucked short strands of hair
behind her ears nervously.

"Amber, it’s not like that."

"Yes it is. You slept on your mom’s couch for God sake. How do
you think that makes me feel?"

"You know I don’t sleep well. I didn’t want to keep you
up."

"Please don’t start lying to me," she whispered sadly to
him as she shook her head despondently. "Not after all we’ve been
through."

"Where are you going?" he asked when she turned and walked away.

She stopped and looked over her shoulder at him.
"To
take a bath.
You’re much stronger than I am," she said
weakly. "I don’t have near the will power you do," her voice
broke in a painful tone as she tried to finish. "You can touch me and
stop, but something dies in me each time I can’t touch you."

Amber filled the tub and submerged herself to her neck in the hot water.
Before getting in, she had cracked the large window that came to the tubs edge.
Now, the cool breeze caught the steam and caused it to swirl in smoky shapes
around her. Three large pillar candles, which were probably left from Anna, she
had lit. The flickers of light radiated a warm glow and sent a sweet fragrance
throughout the room. Sighing, she closed her eyes and allowed the hot water to
loosen tight muscles and rest her worried mind.

Her pride was bruised, her sexual frustration was to the point it was
unbearable, and she was at a complete loss as to what she should do. Logan
allowed her to get close to him in every way imaginable other than physically.
She could hold him, kiss him, and share intimate details with him but that was
as far as he would permit it to go. She had made it clear that she wanted more.
And she knew there were times, when they were kissing and when he was holding
her that she felt he wanted more. But he never gave in.

He was truthful when he’d said he’d tell her anything. He always
did. But when it came to this it seemed he avoided it. Instead of explaining
himself, he would pull her closer and hold her longer. That’s exactly
what he did four nights ago when they had gone night sailing.

Sailing under the dark blanket of stars with Logan had been magical. They
had both moved to the bow, enjoying the wind rushing over them and the sound of
the water lapping against the sides of the boat. Logan had held her close and
covered her with kisses. Long, sweet, deep kisses. Kisses that implied so much
more. She had thought he would make love to her right there, but instead, he
had pulled away and began pointing out different constellations and the myths
associated with them.

She moaned softly as she extended her leg out and touched the faucet with
her big toe. She fiddled with it as she thought. Perhaps it was just her and
she needed to find a way to harness all the extra energy she was feeling. Maybe
she needed to exercise more or try meditating. No, she knew none of it would
work. Damn, why was he doing this?

At first she viewed this restraint as a noble gesture. He knew she was
nervous and overwhelmed. She had been thankful that he didn’t put any
added pressure or expectations on her. But over the last week things had
changed. They had grown close and moving into a physical relationship felt
right. It felt like it was the next step.

She wanted to make love with Logan. It was as simple as that. Emotionally,
they were deeply connected. She could only imagine what it would be like to
love him and be loved by him. She stretched her legs through the water,
enjoying the soothing ripples the motion created. Without a doubt, she knew
when they made love, she groaned as she corrected herself, if they made love,
it would be mindless passion on such an intimate level that it would go way
beyond just what their bodies were experiencing.

She felt her body responding to the very thought of it.

The soft click of the door had her opening her eyes and slowly, curiously,
scooting up. Logan appeared and without pausing, he walked in, moved to the
vanity, and leaned against it. His eyes remained averted from her the entire
time.

"This is eating me up. I don’t know what to do," he said.
"I don’t want you to be mad."

"I’m not mad." She was hurt, but not mad.

"I don’t know what to do," he repeated helplessly.

"Why is there even a question?" she asked softly, watching him
closely.

After a long moment he answered. "I don’t want to hurt
you."

"You won’t."

"I wish that were true."

"I want you," she whispered in response.

His averted eyes lifted to hers, holding them in a tight stare. "You
have me."

It was the way he said it that grabbed Amber. She knew he meant it with all
his heart and the way he was looking at her drove it all home. "I want
all of you."

"You have all of me."

"No, I don’t. And you know what I mean. You have all these
beautiful memories of us together. I want memories to. I want to be able to
close my eyes and see you the way you saw me."

He folded his arms across his chest and watched her as the candlelight
flickered across her skin and the steam danced around her. "I don’t
want to complicate things any more than they all ready are."

"And you think that making love will complicate things further?"

"Yes."

"I don’t think things can get any more complicated than
this." She drew her legs up, water splashing lightly as she did.

Logan was shaking his head. "I don’t know if that is true.
That’s why I don’t think it would be a wise choice." He ran his
hand across his jaw as his voice dropped to a throaty whisper. "It will
make it harder on you when I go."

She was quiet for a very long moment because that was how long it took for
her to suppress the tears and the gut wrenching emotions his comment had
created. When he goes—it sounded like he was coming back. Finally, she
looked at him. "I want to know what it feels like when you make love to
me." She sat higher in the water, her breasts breaking the surface.
"I want to know—"

"Shh."

"Why?" she insisted. "Why don’t you want to hear
this?"

"It’s not that I don’t want to hear it. It’s
just…that—" He fought for the right words. "Damn it,
it’s just hard."

"It’s harder not being able to have you."

"Amber—"

"I want your hands on all of me. I want to hear the words you’ll
whisper in my ear as you love me. And I want to know how your body will feel in
mine." She stared down at the water, which had settled and now looked
like glass. "At night I ache for it. I ache for you."

"God, Amber."

"I don’t want it to end without knowing." She hesitated,
trying not to sound desperate—trying not to fling herself at him and beg
him to make love to her. "You’re not being fair to either of us by
doing this."

Slowly, almost cautiously, he walked over to the tub. He stood there briefly
and then finally sat on its edge. He dropped his head for a moment, gathering
his thoughts before he looked back at her. "Amber, I know I’m
stumbling through this relationship like a blind man but there is one thing I
know beyond a shadow of a doubt and that is I want you with me. I’ve
always wanted you with me. And the last thing I want is to see you hurt."

"You’re hurting me more by denying me this." She rose up
to him, a look of doubt on her face. "Don’t you want—
"

"Of course," he said quickly as he tried to look away from her
body. "I have desired you for decades. I have played over in my mind a
million times what it would be like to make love to you. What do you think I
pictured when I sculpted you? I touched you and loved you…"

"Shouldn’t I get to touch you and love you? Don’t do
this." She shook her head sadly, knowing that he wasn’t a man who
gave in or backed down from what he thought was right. He thought he was
sparing her more pain in the end. She wasn’t sure if that were true. She
certainly felt the pain of it now. "I want you to want me."

"I do. More than you’ll ever know."

"Prove it," she said suddenly.

"What?"

"I want you to show me." As she spoke, she could see his good
intentions slowly slipping. "Show me by making love to me." She
moved closer to him. "Do you know what this is doing to me? Do you know
how hard this is? I might as well die with you if I can’t share this with
you."

He moved with lightening speed as he pulled her completely out of the water,
hauled her into his arms, and buried his face in her neck. "Don’t
say that. Don’t ever say that." He groaned the words over and over,
his hands griping her tightly to him. He couldn’t pull her close enough,
though he tried. His hands tangled in her hair as he felt her collapse against
him, her body trembling. His mind whirled with thoughts and repercussions.

"I don’t want you to push me away any more," she whispered
against his jaw.

Although Logan wasn’t sure it was possible he pulled her tighter to
him. "I won’t. I promise.
Never again."

In one quick motion, he stood and carried her into the bedroom where he laid
her on the bed. On all fours, he hovered over her, enjoying the mere fact that
she was under him and naked. He stared down at the soft, round curves of her
body. Her breasts were full and stiffened against the cool air. He touched one
with the tip of his finger and then moved it down her waist and across her
tight stomach. From there his eyes followed the flare at her hips and the soft
dark curls between them. Her body was magnificently womanly.

"I lied when I said there’s no such thing as perfection. God,
look at you." When she reached up and touched his face he kissed her
fingers. "You look exactly like the sculpture."

"I do?"

He nodded. "Are you sure? I won’t be able to stop once I
start."

Amber’s voice trembled with anticipation. "I don’t think
I’ve wanted anything more in my life."

His body was stiff, but his hands were pliant as they roamed over her warm
body in sweet discovery. He touched and learned every part of her. The memory
would last forever. What it felt like to touch her would last forever. It would
never be forgotten. He would carry it with him for all eternity. And when they
met again it would be remembered.

* * * *

Several hours later, with her head resting on his chest, Amber thought of
many things. Beautiful images and notions tumbled in her mind. She
couldn’t get out of her head his voice and the amazing words he had
spoken to her, as they had made love. The way his hands felt against her skin
as he acquainted himself with her body. The deep connection they shared
surpassed the physical intimacy and anything she had ever known before.

Making love with Logan was all she had imagined and then some she thought
contently as she basked in the aftermath. It was incredibility passionate,
wildly exciting, and completely fulfilling. But then she knew it could be no
other way.

"What are you thinking about?" Logan asked quietly. "I can
hear your wheels turning."

She nuzzled her face into his chest as she confessed. "That it was
everything I thought it to be and more."

"Yes, it was."

"We’ve done that before too."

He smiled and then whispered.
"Many times."

"Do you know we almost didn’t get to experience that?"

"Because I’m a fool—"

"No," she interrupted as she kissed his chest.
"Because you are that caring and that selfless.
But it
would have been a shame to miss out on something so marvelous."

"Yes, it would
of
. So let’s do it
again."

She smiled. "Wait," she said as he rolled her over. "I
want to ask you something."

"After." he insisted.

She playfully pushed at him. "Will you tell me what it feels
like...knowing that it’s time? I know you’re not afraid but
what’s it feel like."

He stopped. "Knowing you’re going to die really lights a fire
under you."

Running her fingers absentmindedly over the soft hair on his chest she said,
"I’m serious."

"So am I." His hand moved lazily across her back as he moved
beside her. "This sounds strange but it feels normal because I
don’t know anything else."

"It doesn’t loom over you."

"No, it doesn’t loom." He said honestly. "I’ve
done everything I’ve ever wanted. I guess that’s why I’m not
threatened by it."

"You make it sound so simple. Life isn’t so basic and
uncomplicated."

"For someone like me it is. I bet it was for Heather, too." He
watched her think about it for a moment. "Do you understand?"

"I’m beginning to." Lifting her head she looked at him.
"I’m glad you’re not afraid. Somehow it makes me not as
afraid."

Right now the only thing in the world he wanted was to be with Amber. Not
just at his home or on his boat. He wanted them to experience more. He wanted
to show her the world. It would teach her so much about herself. "Will
you travel with me?"

"Where?"

"Anywhere you want. I’m serious, Amber." He sat up a
little. "Quit your jobs and we’ll just go. We can leave tomorrow if
you like."

"Really?"

"Yes."

Amber took a moment to answer. "Are you sure we can do that. We have
time…"

"I’m positive. What do you say," he kissed her.
"Amber, will you travel the world with me?"

She nodded. "I would love to."

They made love again throughout the night and into the early morning.