Act like a lady, think like a man (10 page)

So, ladies, the reasons I’ve given here are the primary reasons men cheat, but trust me, there are many, many more. A man is always going to have a reason to justify why he’s doing wrong, and those reasons will change from man to man and woman to woman. What’s important for you to understand, though, is that regardless of a man’s reasons, he knows what you know: it’s wrong to commit to someone and promise to remain faithful and then go against that—especially if this was one of your mate’s requirements. Women can go over it again and again in their minds, finding all kinds of deficiencies in themselves—“I didn’t do this right,” “I wasn’t good enough,” “I didn’t love him the way I should,” “she came in here and out-performed me”—but the fact still remains that he didn’t have any business cheating. So women need to release themselves from the blame of a cheating man’s actions—just do that for yourselves. Because holding on to that baggage can be paralyzing; it can cripple you and keep you from performing in your next encounter. You simply cannot drive forward if you’re focused on what’s happening in the rearview mirror.

You can, however, limit the amount of times you’re cheated on again. You do that by upping the ante on your requirements.

See, you have a lot more power to limit the things that happen to you—you’ve got the power of persuasion, your power of intuition, your power of suggestion, standards to help keep you protected. If you let a man know up front that you’ll tolerate a lot of things but cheating is not one of them, then he’s really clear on the fact that if he steps out of the union, he stays out of the union. And if he breaks that promise and steps out anyway?

You’ve got to be prepared to let him go and walk away. You can’t find out your man cheated, confront him about it, and then stay with him, only to question his every move and nag him about what he’s doing every chance you get. Because that simply means you never really forgave him, and you’re creating a situation that’s ripe for him to cheat again. You’ve got to either let him go, or find it in your heart to truly forgive the man and work on a way to move forward with him.

Now sometimes, it takes a man to lose something or nearly lose something to really appreciate it. But isn’t that true of everybody? Some men cheat because there’s never been a penalty for it. But if a man who’s cheated on you sees you walking out the door and you matter to him, please know that at this point he’s very vulnerable and open to learning. Should he win you back, he’s going to straighten up and fly right because he’s almost lost his girl and his family, which means he’ll do most anything you tell him to get back into your good graces. He’s going to work to earn your trust back—follow your requirements to get back on the team. If that means he has to be home by a certain time, call when he’s going to be late, send flowers every week, find a sitter so you all can have a date night on Thursdays, go to church with you on Sundays, even sit on a psychologist’s couch and air out all of your dirty laundry until you’re satisfied he’s a changed man, then that’s what he’ll do.

Once there’s a penalty and he’s forced to say to himself, “Wow, everything I’ve ever loved was about to be lost,” he may very well come through the fire a better man.

Is that to say it’s going to be easy to forgive him and not be suspicious? No. But he may eventually earn your trust back and be willing to work through it with you. He’s not going to like being asked questions about where he’s been, he’s going to hate not being able to be intimate with you while you work through your anger, and he’s going to be really reluctant to carry his butt down to the psychologist’s office with you. But in his heart of hearts, he knows that’s a part of working his way back into your heart. He knows he created this—he knows what he did, and he understands the consequences, ramifications, and reper-cussions way better than you think he does. We understand penalties, and we know it’s going to be straight hell. Trust me, I know. Because it’s happened to me. It happens to a lot of men.

You can’t be a man of power and not step outside your house. I don’t know one man of power who has not stepped outside his house. Such a man may exist but I have not met him. But I do know men of power who have learned to do right, go home, and take care of their families. Each one of them eventually gets to that. I certainly have; now, I carry my behind home. I had to come to this, though. And guess what? I know a lot of those same men—entertainers, ball players, executives, and so on—who have turned into some of the best husbands and fathers in the world, because they’ve lined up their life responsibilities in the right order: God, family, education, and then business. And their wives? They’ve become better wives in the process, too—by trying to create a little bit of that magic they had when their relationship was fresh and new. She might come home from work and instead of kicking off those heels, keep them on and whisper in his ear to meet her in the bedroom for a pre-dinner snack. Or she might smile a little more, act a little bit more happy, be a tad bit more spontaneous—appreciate her man more, and show it, too.

This was certainly the story of one of my really good friends.

His wife found out about his woman on the side, and she left him—went to her mother’s house for seven months and took his son with her. Dude was miserable. I mean, he was losing weight. We would go by to get him and say, “Let’s go out and have a good time,” and he would tell us, “Eh, I don’t feel like it.” We even offered to take him to see the woman he had on the side, in hopes that at least getting some from her would make him feel a little bit better, but he refused her, too. “I’m through with that,” he insisted. “I lost my marriage, my boy is gone—the people who mattered most to me are gone. And I want them back.”

It took him a year and a half to get this woman back. I don’t know what’s going on behind their closed doors, but I’ll tell you one thing: she’s got the ideal husband now. Any married man can look at him and see how to get it done. But two things had to happen to him: first, he had to find out what was impor-

tant to him, and what it was like to lose it. And second, he had to come to the realization that he needed to restructure his priorities: God first, then family. And you know what? He goes home every night. He’s making money, he’s extremely happy, and their family has nothing to worry about. And I heard his wife say, “My new man is something else.”

They’ve been living in their happily ever after for thirty-three years now. He’s a helluva dude, man—and she’s a lucky lady.

9  M e n  R e s p e c t  S t a n d a r d s — G e t  S o m e

There are a few things you should know about my wife, Marjorie: She is incredibly talented and supportive.

She is just as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. She loves the Lord. She is a terrific mother to our children. She’s classy and smart. And she cares for, respects, and adores me deeply.

You should also know that my wife has a set of standards that I have known about and respected from the first day I met her.

It started while I was doing a show in Memphis. She walked in with another attractive woman. I couldn’t help myself; I stopped mid-joke and said, “Excuse me, I know you don’t know me, but one of these days, I’m going to marry you.” She laughed and said, “You don’t know me.” But I didn’t care and I told her as much. I knew right then and there we were going to be married some day (of course, this was really more of a hope than a certainty—smile).

Maybe she knew it, too, or at least liked what she saw because even though she disappeared the night I informed her of my plan, she showed up two nights later at another show of mine, and this time, I asked her to come backstage and talk for a while.

She agreed, and we became fast friends, and even dated for a spell. But eventually, we both went our separate ways. Still, Marjorie and I always remembered the friendship we had together, and we reached out to check up on each other from time to time.

Finally, Marjorie and I reconnected and started dating again; we got serious pretty quickly, both of us realizing that we had missed out on a great relationship once, and we didn’t want to risk losing out on it again. But, even though I knew I was in love with this woman and that she loved me, I was still connected to some women friends I had developed after my divorce, when I had really started dating again.

Well, one particular night when Marjorie was visiting me at my home in New York on Valentine’s Day weekend, one of those friends called my cell. I didn’t talk much—said, “Hi,”

told her we’d chat another time and that I’d stop and see her if and when I was back in town, and then hung up. I didn’t even think Marjorie heard the conversation—at least she wasn’t acting like she did. I should have known better, though. She’s got that “mother” hearing—doesn’t miss a thing. And sure enough, late that night, when I got up to go to the bathroom—it was about 3:00 A.M.—there was Marjorie in the hallway, standing there in her fur coat with her suitcase in her hand. She was going to leave me—leave us.

“Where you going?” I asked her. Her response made me realize right then and there, in the middle of that hallway, in the middle of the night, that she was The One.

“I’m not trying to be anybody’s plaything or anybody’s woman on a string,” she said matter-of-factly, her suitcase still in her hand. “I don’t think you’re ready for what I have to offer.

I got these kids, I have a good life, and I want a man who will come in and complete my family. If this is what you want, too, I’ll be in Memphis.”

After I picked up my jaw, I asked her to give me one more chance, took her bags, and immediately found my phone and snapped it in half. I’d lost her once—this beautiful, smart, sweet woman—and no other woman could be as loving and dedicated to me, to us, or to my children. I realized right then and there, in that hallway, that I wanted no other.

In other words, I became the man she needed me to be because she had sense enough to have requirements—standards that she needed in her relationship in order to make the relationship work for her. She knew she wanted a monogamous relationship—a partnership with a man who wanted to be a dedicated husband and father. She also knew this man had to be faithful, love God, and be willing to do what it took to keep this family together. On a smaller scale, she also made clear that she expected to be treated like a lady at every turn—I’m talking opening car doors for her, pulling out her seat when she’s ready to sit at the table, coming correct on anniversary, Mother’s Day, and birthday gifts, keeping the foul talk to a minimum. These requirements are important to her because they govern how she will be treated; they are important to me, too, because they lay out a virtual map of what all I need to do to make sure she gets what she needs and wants. After all, it’s universal knowledge that when mama is happy, everybody is happy. And it is my sole mission in life to make sure Marjorie is happy.

Men can’t accomplish this mission for you without your help; we can’t possibly begin to fathom what it is you women need and want because your needs and wants change from woman to woman like the wind does from city to city. Men are very simple, logical people; if you tell us what you like and what you don’t like, we’ll do anything we can to make sure we live up to your expectations, particularly if we’re interested in forging a relationship with you. (But beware of telling a man everything you like when you first meet; I’ll tell you why later in the chapter.)

But really, we’re not programmed to figure it out. It really makes us quite happy when you lay out your requirements for us. And we need you to do it up front, so we can decide if we’re up for the challenge—not two weeks into the relationship, not two months after we’ve had sex, not two years after we’ve said

“I do” in front of the preacher and our respective families and friends. Heck, we’ll take them while you’re standing there at the bar, sipping on the peach martini we just bought you, so long as you’re laying them out. Because now you’ve given us a road map for how to conduct ourselves, especially if we’re truly interested in a relationship with you.

Understand that this chapter is not a license for you to start running down your list of “I can’ts” and “I won’ts” and “you better not nevahs” as soon as a gentleman approaches you. We do like some kind of decorum. You’ve got to finesse the situation—tell a man what you require without making it feel like you’re ticking off a list of demands. It really is all in the deliv-ery; if you tell him your requirements in the midst of conversation, and they sound attainable, and you shape your standards in soft language, it’ll be easier for him to understand, and, more important, act on them. Think about how crazy he’s going to look at you if, finger wagging, you just come out your face and say, “I will not tolerate a man who does not understand my role as a mother—if you got a problem with my kids and the rest of my family, you got a problem with me!” It’ll be the equivalent of the needle scratching all the way across the record; he’s going to think, at best, that you’re angry—at worst, you’re crazy, and perhaps your family is, too. But imagine how he’ll feel if you flip the script and say something pleasant like, “Oh, you know, I have kids and they’re number one in my life because my parents raised me to understand the importance of family.” Now, he knows you’re one of those good girls—sweet, responsible, and family oriented. If he’s not that guy, he’ll move on to the next woman—the one with no requirements who’s down for whatever. But if he’s a man who shares your belief in the importance of family, he’s going to keep talking to you, and listen for more of your standards.

Here are a few more examples I’ve laid out for you so you can see how to wrap up your requirements in one of those pretty bows.

Instead of saying
you “can’t stand it” when a man shows up
late,
say something like, “Everybody is so busy these days—time sure is precious, isn’t it? I go out of my way to make sure that if I say I’m going to be somewhere at 7:00 P.M., I’m going to be there at 7:00 P.M., if not earlier, so that we can do what we need to do in a timely manner, and if I’m going to be late, it only takes a phone call to be courteous.”