Act like a lady, think like a man (7 page)

Never gives in easily, and the standards/requirements start the moment you open your mouth. See, she understands her power and wields it like a samurai sword. She commands—not demands—respect, just by the way she carries herself. You can walk up to her and give her your best game, and while she may be impressed by what you say, that’s no guarantee that she’s going to let the conversation go any further, much less give you her phone number and agree to give you some of her valuable time. Men automatically know from the moment she opens her mouth that if they want her, they’ll have to get in line with her standards and requirements, or keep it moving because she’s done with the games and isn’t interested in playing. But she will also send all the signals that she is capable of being loyal to a man and taking good care of him, appreciative of what he’s bringing to the relationship, and ready for love—true, long-lasting love.

Newsflash: it’s not the guy who determines whether you’re a sports fish or a keeper—it’s you. (Don’t hate the player, hate the game.) When a man approaches you, you’re the one with total control over the situation—whether he can talk to you, buy you a drink, dance with you, get your number, take you home, see you again, all of that. We certainly want these things from you; that’s why we talked to you in the first place.

But it’s you who decides if you’re going to give us any of the things we want, and how, exactly, we’re going to get them.

Where you stand in our eyes is dictated by
your
control over the situation. Every word you say, every move you make, every signal you give to a man will help him determine whether he should try to play you, be straight with you, or move on to the next woman to do a little more sport fishing.

I like to think that the way you play this situation is much like how you climb the ladder at work. Think about it: dating is a lot like a business; the best way to become successful is to master and control things you have control over. When I first started in show business, I knew I wanted to be a top-flight comedian. But because the club owners didn’t know me well, all I could get was a gig as the opening act—the first guy up, fifteen minutes to do my thing, and then off the stage I went.

Still, I knew that if I was on my game—showed up on time, networked, and, most important, gave thought-provoking, funny performances that made the audiences and the club owners remember me—I could get the ultimate job as the headliner, the comedian who gets his name on the marquee and forty-five minutes to make people scream with laughter. I controlled my fifteen minutes by making people laugh hard enough to remember me, and then parlayed it into gigs as the “featured” comedian, the performer who gets thirty minutes on the stage. And then I did the same thing with my thirty minutes onstage, making people laugh so hard that club owners didn’t have any other choice but to make me the featured act.

See? My success in getting to be one of the Kings of Comedy was based on my desire and ability to control my product—my performance—which ultimately made me exactly who I wanted to be. And doing that got me exactly what I wanted—success.

The same applies to a woman who wants to be a “keeper” rather than a sports fish. You control what you can control—your image, the way you conduct yourself, the way you let men talk to and approach you—and use that to get the relationship you want.

Let me bring it home for you: imagine you’re in the health club, and you’re on the stair climber, in your tight red athletic bra and matching form-fitting spandex gym pants, glistening and dewy with sweat, getting your workout on, looking really fit and sexy. A good-looking guy comes in—he’s handsome, fit, no rings on his fingers. And when he walks up to the treadmill next to where you’re working out, the chemistry between the two of you is electric; he smiles, you smile back; you move to another machine, he moves to one not too far from you; he glances at you, you glance back. And when the two of you are finished working out, he goes all out—comes up to you and breaks the ice.

“Looked like you had a good workout,” he might say, looking you in your eyes, and then letting his gaze linger somewhere around your hips. “A woman who takes good care of herself. Nice.”

How you respond—the way you control this exchange—will mean all the difference between whether he considers you a throwback or a keeper. Say something akin to “You know, a girl’s gotta look hot,” and then twirl around so he can get a better view, and that man is going to do a mental calculation of just how fast he can get you into the bed, and whether he can suddenly switch his workout time so he doesn’t have to see you again after he hits it. A man will determine just from those seven words and that tiny action that you’re a woman who can be easily had—someone who’s out for a good time and is getting herself in shape solely to keep her body looking right so that guys can look at it and
really
enjoy it. I assure you, the next few sentences out of his mouth likely will involve some serious attempts to reel you in, and, if you bite, he’ll get you hook, line, and sinker. And then he’ll keep it moving.

But respond to him by saying something like “Thanks, my health is important to me and working out is a great way to keep in shape,” and he knows that he’s going to have to dig a little deeper to find out more about you. This is no guarantee that he will think you’re a keeper—you’ll have to do a bit more talking than that simple line—but at the very least, he won’t immediately peg you as a throwback. Your comments may lead him to talk about why he works out, which could lead to a meaningful conversation about a mutual interest you both have for staying in shape. And that could lead to him asking more questions, for which a keeper will have plenty of answers—laced, of course, with enough requirements to let this man know that you’re a keeper, someone who is looking for a man who will stick around.

Now, revealing that you’re a keeper is no guarantee that this guy won’t just walk away. Some men really are just sport fishing and have no intention of doing anything more than throwing back the women they bed. If this is the case with this man, then let him walk—what do you care? He’s not the guy you’re looking for. I know that you and your girls have been told for years on end that you just don’t pass up any opportunities when a man walks your way—he could be The One. But I’m here to tell you that this philosophy is just plain dumb. Women are smart—you all can tell when your friends are lying, you know when your kids are up to no good, co-workers can’t get anything past you at the job. You’re quick to let each one of them know that you’re not stupid, that you see them coming a mile away, and you’re not going to let them play that game with you. But when it comes to your relationships with the opposite sex, all of that goes out the window; you relinquish your power and lose all control over the situation—cede it to any old man who looks at you twice. Just because he happened to look at you twice.

All I’m telling you to do is be smart about it. Know that if this man isn’t looking for a serious relationship, you’re not going to change his mind just because you two are going out on dates and being intimate. You could be the most perfect woman on the Lord’s green earth—you’re capable of interesting conversation, you cook a mean breakfast, you hand out backrubs like sandwiches, you’re independent (which means, to him, that you’re not going to be in his pockets)—but if he’s not ready for a serious relationship, he’s going to treat you like a sports fish.

A perfect example of this is in this “Strawberry Letter”—these are letters the
Steve Harvey Morning Show
receives from its listeners— sent in by a woman who clearly was just starting to realize she was nothing more than a plaything: I have been seeing this man for six months and everything seemed cool until January of this year. We’ve gone out and visited each other’s homes, but all of a sudden, he’s stopped calling and when I call him, he seems excited, but then he is very short with me. He plans trips and cancels them. And when I ask him if we should cut off all communication, he says “no.” But he doesn’t act like he wants to be bothered. I don’t know what happened, and I still like him, but it just bothers me to know that something could be on his mind that he is not sharing with me or maybe he has found a woman and wants to keep me in his back pocket.

He’s sport fishing, and in her heart, she knows this. But she’s still trying to hang in there and see if he’s going to do right by her. Any woman in this situation should just leave that guy alone. Instead of investing all this time and energy in a man who can’t and won’t live up to your expectations, let that guy walk. And then when the next man comes along, take control and let him know your ground rules up front (see my chapter

“Men Respect Standards—Get Some”): “I don’t take phone calls after 10 P.M., because my kids are asleep and I’m getting my rest”; “I appreciate a man who shows up when he says he’s going to show up and calls when he’s going to be late”; and “I don’t have sex with anyone until I’m sure that we are in a serious, committed relationship—no casual sex for me” are all acceptable ground rules for any man coming at you. If those ground rules are too much for him, he’s going to walk away because he’s sport fishing.

If, however, he has something going for himself, and he knows that in order to complete his life he needs a woman who has something going for herself, he’s going to stick around and keep the conversation going. That’s the man who is willing to put in work—who knows that he’s not going to just romance you, get what he wants, and walk away. That guy right there?

He’s your man. He’s fishing for a keeper, and after he’s proven himself worthy of your time, then you can let him take you on home, fillet you, put some cornmeal on you, fry you up, and serve you up on a delicious plate.

Need more examples of differences between sports fish and keepers? Read on:

A woman who commands respect is a keeper; a woman who lets men get away with disrespecting her is a throwback.

A woman who is dressed appropriately—has her goodies reasonably covered, but is still sexy, is a keeper; a woman who is scantily clad and dripping sex is a throwback.

A woman who won’t let you feel all over her body while you’re dancing is a keeper; a woman who drops it like it’s hot and puts on a dance floor performance that would make video vixen Karrine Steffans blush is a throwback.

A woman who takes a man’s number but doesn’t give him her own is a keeper; a woman who hands out her home, work, and cell phone numbers and e-mail and home addresses to a man who’s done nothing more than buy her a drink and ask how he can reach her is a throwback.

A woman who can hold a respectful, respectable conversation with a man and his mother is a keeper; a woman who shudders at the prospect of having to talk to the matriarch of a man’s family is a throwback.

A woman who can adapt to any situation thrown at her—she can hold her own at the PTA meeting, in the boardroom, in a restaurant, at a sporting event—is a keeper; a woman who can’t put together a coherent sentence or makes it clear she has no interest in doing so is a throwback.

A woman who knows she wants to be married and raise a family and lets a man know this up front is a keeper; a woman who doesn’t have a plan for her relationship life beyond next weekend is a throwback.

A woman whom we can introduce to our friends and family is a keeper; a woman we don’t even bother introducing to our friends or family is a throwback.

A woman who smiles and takes care of herself and is generally happy with her life is a keeper; a woman who doesn’t take care of herself and is sour all the time, has an attitude wider than all the ocean, and doesn’t hesitate to lay somebody out for the slightest transgression is a throwback.

A woman who shows her appreciation for all that you do for her is a keeper; a woman who acts like nothing you do can make her happy is a throwback.

A woman who is loyal is a keeper; a woman who always has her eye out for the next best thing is a throwback.

A woman who understands that a man validates his manhood by who he is, what he does, and how much he makes, and who knows how to finesse her relationship so that her man feels like he’s handling his business is a keeper; a woman who wields her paycheck and influence like a sword and belittles his career and financial contributions is a throwback.

If his conversation with you is extremely superficial, and never seems to graduate beyond the surface, he’s sport fishing; if he genuinely seems interested in your needs, life, desires, and future, then he’s looking for a keeper.

If he laughs off your requirements and standards, then he’s sport fishing; if he seems willing to abide by your rules, and actually follows through on them, then he’s looking for a keeper.

If he takes your phone number but waits longer than twenty-four hours to call, he’s sport fishing; if he calls you right away, he’s showing that he’s genuinely interested in you, and is most likely looking for a keeper.

If he takes you out on a date and lets you pay, or only kicks in his portion of the bill, he’s sport fishing; if he pays the bill, he’s showing that he’s willing to provide for you, which means he’s likely looking for a keeper.

If he tells you he’s going to be somewhere at a certain time, and he consistently shows up late without so much as the courtesy of a phone call, he’s probably sport fishing; if he shows up when he’s supposed to, he’s looking for a keeper.

If you never meet his friends, family, co-workers, or other people who are important to him, he’s sport fishing; if he introduces you to his people, he might be looking for a keeper.

If he keeps offering up excuses for why he can’t meet your friends and family, he’s sport fishing; if he agrees to go to the family barbecue or a social event where he will be introduced to family, friends, and co-workers, he might consider you a keeper.

If he cringes at the mere mention of children, he’s sport fishing; if he’s willing to meet your kids and shows up with gifts and can relate to them in a way that makes them comfortable with him, then he might consider you and your kids keepers.

If he does not have himself together financially, emotionally, and spiritually, he may be sport fishing; if he is capable of providing and protecting his potential family the way a real man should, then he might be searching for a keeper.