Actually (8 page)

Pulling up in front of the Hedlund house later that afternoon felt ominous. Nonetheless he knocked on the front door and entered when Aaron swung it open.
Ian waited until it was shut again before leaning in to kiss him. Aaron turned and led the way to the kitchen, dodging the move. Now he
really
didn’t have a good vibe. He shoved his hands in his pockets and followed.
“You wanted to talk?” Ian began.
Rip the bandage off
.
Aaron poured two glasses of water and motioned toward the living room. He seemed to be gathering his thoughts. The pit of Ian’s stomach sank lower.
“I’m going to get right to the point. I came out to my family in high school, and I’ve never regretted it. It’s only natural that I’d pursue an
out
lifestyle.”
Ian took a sip of water, waiting for the words he knew Aaron would say.
“With all the rest of the garbage my brother and I are working through, hiding who I’m with just seems like more work that it’s worth.”
“I’m not worth it?” Ian asked suddenly. He hadn’t planned on speaking.
“Are we in a relationship, Ian?”
“I think we were building one, don’t you?”
“I wanted to. I’d like to. You’re the kind of guy I could see being with years from now.”
“Why is that, do you suppose?” Ian asked trying to hide the sting he felt.
“I could depend on you,” Aaron answered.
Ian nodded. “I’d never let you down.”
“You wouldn’t mean to, but it would happen,” Aaron stated dryly. “We wouldn’t be seen in public together, for example.” Aaron got up to sit closer to Ian. “I don’t want to be the person you’re afraid to be seen with.”
Ian reached for him, stroking his cheek. “You’re braver than I am in a lot of ways. If you give me time, I can get there with you.”
“That’s what I’m doing. I’m giving you time.”
“How, exactly?”
“Put us on hold. We each have demons to work out. Maybe after the school year, we can see where we stand.”
“No,” Ian shook his head as he spoke. “I’m not interested in working out our demons alone. I’m not leaving you when you still need the support.”
“But you’ll leave me after?” Aaron asked.
“That’s not what I meant.”
“I know.” Aaron closed his eyes and leaned into Ian’s palm. “I actually do know that.”
Ian’s chest ached. He gaze traveled over each glossy brown curl, along the twin crescents Aaron’s eyelashes made on his cheeks. He allowed himself the pleasure of wishing he could kiss those soft, sweet lips again.
A quiet voice asked him why he didn’t do it anyway. It was all the prompting Ian needed. He leaned in, brushing his mouth across Aaron’s. The other man sighed, a hot breathy kiss in its own right, teasing his senses to take more, be more.
He’d missed this. If it was his last opportunity, he wanted it to be perfect.
“I’m in love with you,” Ian whispered against Aaron’s lips.
Again, words he hadn’t meant to say leaped from him. They hung in the air, unable to be retracted. He opened his eyes to see Aaron looking at him. His pale brown eyes seemed so sad.
“You have no idea how many times I wished you’d say that to me,” Aaron mused.
“Does saying them now count?”
Aaron cupped Ian’s face. He pressed their foreheads together. “I’m not going back in the closet for anyone. But I get it. I know it’s hard to come out and hope that you can carry on with your life the way you’d planned. Plans change and sometimes changes aren’t so bad.”
“I had no intention of falling for you. This change of plans hurts like hell.”
Aaron kissed him, pulled him in and stole his breath. Aaron’s lips parted, and Ian’s tongue swept inside. He didn’t remember pushing Aaron back, but one minute they were sitting, the next, he’d pinned the younger man on the couch, and Aaron’s arms were around him.
They rolled and hit the floor, knocking the coffee table with a hip and an indignant rattle of glasses on its surface.
Need swamped him. Aaron’s hands moved under Ian’s shirt. Ian shifted his hips and groaned roughly when he felt the evidence of the younger man’s arousal. Ian pulled off Aaron’s shirt, his hands touching him everywhere their bodies weren’t already pressed together.
Aaron broke the kiss first. “We can’t.”
“You want me, too.”
Aaron smiled sadly. “You’ve been such an important part of our lives lately and I don’t want to confuse gratitude with what’s good for me and Mike. Thank you, for all you’ve done to get us this far. Thank you, but I want more than a fuck on my living room floor, Ian. I want more than a consoling hand job. I want something you’re not ready to give me.”
“We could make it work.”
“What?” Aaron asked in disbelief. “We could make
what
work? Fucking in the privacy of my home or yours? How long do you think you could go through life without making a decision one way or another? How long do you think you could pretend to be straight to the rest of the world, while lying to yourself and to me?”
Aaron shoved at him.
“
I
deserve better even if you don’t think
you
do,” Aaron said. “The way I see it, you’ve got two choices. You decide to keep trying to make them happy, or you make you happy. You know where my vote is.”
“Lots of people come out slowly. Why do we have to make some kind of announcement?”
“We don’t. There’s no need for an announcement, but are you going to tell me that if we go to dinner and I grab your hand across the table, you won’t be embarrassed?” Aaron asked. “If I kiss you on the front step of my own home, are you going to be looking over your shoulder to see if anyone noticed?”
Aaron pushed out from under him completely.
“I mean it, Ian. I like you. I’d even say I love you, but I’m not willing to pretend I’m something I’m not until you stop being afraid. I’m gay. I’m an out gay man who wants to have a serious relationship with you.” He looked over Ian’s body with clear appreciation. “I
really
want to have sex with you and make us official, but I’m not throwing myself or my new family under the bus of your hang-ups.”
Aaron pulled his shirt back on.
“And also, I hate to break this to you, but my neighbors know I’m gay. Chances are, they already suspect you are too with all the time you’ve spent over here.”
Ian groaned. He’d fleetingly thought of that once or twice. It hadn’t mattered when he’d considered it then, in the heat of the events unfolding. The only reason it mattered now was because of the school. Because of what it could mean to his career. Mainly, how it could end it.
“Things are changing for me. I’m feeling stronger. Mikey is stronger. I’m making some decisions about my law degree in order to stick around for him. That accident turned our world upside down. It changed everything about how we see ourselves and what we need in order for our family to work,” Aaron said.
“Like not having me around your personal lives?” Ian asked, confused.
“Like taking control of things already in our power. I’m switching my degree to counseling. I think I can help others going through hard times and I think knowing how to counsel will help us work through our pain, too. It keeps me local for him, and,” he said more gently. “Gives us some time to see where things are going without there being pressure to find out now.”
“I know how I feel,” Ian argued.
“How you feel hasn’t yet translated to what you’re willing to do about it. For us to work, it must.”
“Breaking up is a
better
idea?”
“Go home, Ian. Go home knowing I love you enough to want happiness for you, in whatever form it takes.”

Ian held up the Chinese takeout bag for the small apartment security camera. When the buzzer sounded, he entered and took the elevator to the third floor. She was already waiting for him. To his annoyance, she’d still lit the candles and turned on classical jazz. The lights were dimmed and he had the distinct feeling that
he
was dinner, not the Kung Pao Chicken and fried rice.

Dressed in a snug pink t-shirt and worn jean shorts, she looked like the stereotypical straight guy seduction. Leanne took the bag and brought it to the coffee table.
“I thought we’d eat picnic-style.”
“Fine,” he said, still not sure how to fend her off. “Leanne, I need to come clean about something.”
“What’s that, hon?” she called from the open concept kitchen.
“I’ve been avoiding going to dinner with you, because I don’t want to give you the wrong idea.”
“I see,” she said, bringing out two glasses of red wine. “Do you like red?”
“Thanks,” he said taking the stemware instead of answering. His words seemed to be going over her head.
“What wrong idea might I have if we went to dinner?” she probed.
“That we’re dating.”
She licked her lips. “You don’t want me to confuse dinner with you with dating?”
“Right.”
“What would dinner with me mean to you, then?” she asked carefully.
“Colleagues hanging out,” he answered.
She sighed loudly. “You couldn’t have told me that at the beginning of the semester?”
“Why would I? You only just started asking me to dinner.”
“I’ve been trying to get your attention for ages, but if you only want friendship, I’m not turning it down,” she shrugged, taking a drink of wine.
He opened the boxes of food. “You aren’t mad?”
“I’m disappointed, but I have plenty of offers for dates. I’d just rather go out with the sexy bad-boy history teacher.”
He laughed. “You have me so very wrong.”
“No I don’t. You’re unapproachable, and so good looking it makes my teeth hurt, and you keep saying no. Nobody says no to me. Not unless they’re gay.” She laughed thinking she’d made a funny joke.
Ian didn’t laugh. He swirled his wine around pensively, nervously. Should he tell her? Should he let that cat out of the bag and take the risk? Aaron meant more to him than he could have imagined, and he’d been right. How long could Ian put his own happiness on hold to please the expectations of other people?
“You’re gay?” she asked incredulously. “For real?”
It was now or never, he decided. He lifted his wine glass with a nodded salute. “Your record lives on. You still have never been turned down by a straight man.”
“Holy crap! I had no idea. I don’t think anyone does. Jenny, the PE coach, totally has the hots for you. Does anyone else know?” Words tumbled out of her mouth so fast, Ian could only laugh.
“I don’t think so. I haven’t told anyone at school.”
“Are you sure you’re gay?” she asked.
“I’m sure.”
“Well, do you have a boyfriend?”
“No, but there’s a guy I’m crazy about who won’t have anything to do with me until I come out,” he admitted.
“Then come out, already!”
“It’s not that easy,” he argued.
“In this day and age? Yeah, douche-head, it is. No one cares.”
“God, you see? That’s the problem. No one thinks anyone cares until I come out. Then every parent will be up in arms over it, putting questions out there about molestation and moral codes. The Board of Education will come down on me and the next thing you know, I’ll be fired.”
“I never pegged you for a Debbie-downer. Talk about doomsday predictions.” Leanne took another sip of wine.
“It’s what’ll happen. It’s what happens all over the United States everyday of the year,” he protested.
“You’re gay, not a pedophile. They are mutually exclusive when it comes to you. Granted, I think that you being gay is a huge waste because women all over will weep when you come out, but it only designates who you do in the privacy of your home. Not who you are.”
“I know that, and you know that.”
She waved a hand. “We all know it. There are just assholes who like to shout and throw tantrums and pretend like being gay has anything to do with your ability to teach. I’m straight. I don’t ogle the boys in my classroom and I sure don’t take them to bed. I have a job. So should you for the same reasons—only, you know—opposite ones.”
He grinned. “You’re okay, Leanne Mallory.”
“I know. I rock. Quit worrying about everyone else and start worrying about you and that man you want.”
“I think I’m ready to. I hope he believes me.”
“Have you ever given him any reason to not believe you?” she asked.
“No.”
“Then I wouldn’t let that stop me from telling him.”
* * * *
“I can’t believe I told him to go away,” Aaron groaned at his brother.
“I can’t either. You two were practically licking each other in your minds.”
“Fuck you.”
“Excellent parenting skills,” Mike joked.
Aaron threw the cleaning rag at him. “Shut up and clean the bathrooms.”
“The one you threw up in?”
“All of them.”
“I liked you so much better when you had your head buried in your books,” Mike complained lightly.
“The sooner you get them done, the sooner you can put away the dishes and mop the floor.”
“Be still my heart.”
“Which means,” Aaron said loudly. “That I’ll let you go to the soccer team party tonight.”
“Really?” Mike’s eyes lit up and he smiled.
He’d stopped wearing eyeliner, but his hair hung in shaggy waves like it had before. Fortunately, the full-on Goth had departed. Now if he could rid his baby brother of the baggy jeans and hanging chain. Apparently, that part of the emo culture had resonated with Mike.
It’s a phase
, Aaron told himself.
“The coach said I could come late to Saturday practices as long as I have a counselor’s note.”
“That’s great! Do I need to reschedule them for after school?” Aaron asked as he scrubbed the last of the pots he’d left in the sink.
The dryer quit tossing clothes in the background, and Aaron made a mental note to pull them out before he forgot again. This time the goal was to fold them and put them away, instead of leaving them in the basket. He wasn’t the best housekeeper, but he and Mikey were trying. They were actually trying to make it a home again.
“No, I like Saturdays. If you switched it up, it would still interfere with practice. There’s a game Saturday night though. It’s the last one before the Thanksgiving break. Are you coming?” Mike busied himself with sweeping the kitchen floor.
Aaron turned off the water. “Of course I’m coming. I wouldn’t miss my little brother in action.” He grabbed him into a big wet-handed bear hug.
“Ugh! Yuck! Get off.” Mike laughingly protested, but Aaron knew he didn’t mean anything by it. “You should call him, ya know,” Mike said almost as an afterthought.
“Sorry kid, you’re it. You get the full brunt of my affection. Aren’t you lucky?”
“You like him, don’t you?” Mike asked.
“Yeah. I like him a lot.”
“I thought he liked you.”
“He does,” Aaron agreed.
“Then I don’t get it. If you like each other, why aren’t you two, you know, together?” “It’s—”
“And don’t fucking tell me it’s complicated!” Mike interrupted.
“Fine, I won’t tell you, but you’ll know anyway.”
Mike groaned. “Whatever. I’m going to the party tonight.”
“Who with?”
“Some kids from school.” Mike answered cryptically.
“Kids that you should be hanging out with?”
Mike quit sweeping. “Are you going to trust me?”
“It’s not easy given the choices you’ve made lately.”
Mike frowned. “Then don’t trust me, but I’m going right after I finish cleaning.”
Aaron could hardly argue with that. He also had to believe that any kid who’d still put family responsibilities before his own enjoyment, must be making some better choices. “Have a good time.”
Mike smiled reluctantly. “Thanks.”