Adam's List (28 page)

The party buzzes with low jazz music paired with excited conversations of the guests wearing trendy cocktail dresses and designer button downs. Theo only introduces us to a few of the other party-goers, but I recognize more than one from a distance. We’re partying with some of Hollywood’s big shots. I start to feel wildly out of place in my dress from the clearance rack.

Adam doesn’t know about the shots, of course, but from the look in his eye I think he’s on to me. “You alright?” he asks, slipping his arm around my waist. He’s the one who looks like he needs someone to hold him up.

Our last round of wild sex the night before took a lot out of him. But every touch lights me on fire, every look sets me ablaze with desire. I want more of him. I almost feel remorse over my hormones that have taken control of my psyche when I drag him close, wrapping my arms around his neck and covering his mouth with a probing, telling kiss.

“The host is starting to wonder if you two are porn stars he should look into,” Theo says beside us. Adam pulls back, his head low in embarrassment.

I giggle, slipping my hands through Adam’s. “If you’d given us a little heads up that you were so tight with half of Hollywood, Mr. Big Shot Producer, maybe we would’ve worked a bit more on our audition for your friends.”

Theo wiggles his eyebrows, handing us each another bottle of beer. “Then I would’ve been worried you wanted to hang with me for the fame and not my smoking hot body.” He waves at someone in the crowd. “I’ll be right back. Have to rub noses with the rich and famous.”

Adam stiffens beside me, watching Theo walk away.

“Okay, you need to stop with the jealousy bit,” I whisper, standing tall to playfully nip at his lip. “You
know
that’s just how he is. And
you’re
the one who told him you’d like to experience what it’s like to have his job. This is his way of letting you in, giving you a little glimpse of the glamour involved. Besides, I’m yours. No refund. Remember?”

“You’re sure he got the message? I mean, I appreciate that he’s become a good friend of ours and all, but I still don’t understand why he was so amped about flying us back—”

I cover his mouth with another kiss. “I guarantee he got the message, loud and clear.

And he knows damn well you’re all mine. If you need a little reassurance, we could go find somewhere quiet.”

“Here? On the
roof
?” he asks, his voice shooting up half an octave.

I lick my lips and grin, reaching down to fondle him, letting him know I’m serious.

“Another thing to add to the old list. What do you say?”

A deep hum vibrates through his chest. “You’re going to kill me.”

He couldn’t have come up with a worse choice of words, but I don’t call him on it.

I’ve become so desperate to share whatever intimate moments we have left together that it’s like I’m possessed by desire.

I look away, grabbing his hand and pulling him along to the dark side of the roof. We find a concealed spot behind the air conditioning unit where I don’t have to see the city below and worry about controlling my breathing.

Adam has only had one drink that I know of, but I feel the alcohol’s hold on him in his clumsy moves, taste it on his bitter tongue. I want to stop him and ask if brittle diabetics should be drinking. Doesn’t it mess with his blood sugar? Could it shorten whatever time he has left?

The minute his fingers find me and he realizes I’m not wearing underwear, I know the sex won’t last long. He unzips his pants and groans loudly into my mouth as he enters me, the notion of finding a condom lost with the whims of our passion.

The sex feels borderline dirty, and I’m almost ashamed. I have to bite down on his lip to keep from crying with each of his half-hearted thrusts. He pulls out rather than exploding inside of me, leaving his mark hundreds of feet high on a roof in New York.

Drunken giggles fill me as I try to drag him back. “I want to do that again!”

Adam hushes me, touching my mouth with his hand. “Not so loud.”

“C’mon, baby,” I say, trying to make my voice sound sensual. “Fuck me again. Who knows how many times we have left?”

Adam recoils like he’s been slapped and his expression hardens. “I’m calling it a night.”

I know I’ve stepped over the line. The whole point was to get a reaction out of him.

Make him feel some kind of guilt for the situation he’s forcing me into. Still, I hate to see the hurt in his eyes.

“Don’t be mad,” I plead, reeling him back in. “Please, don’t be mad. I love you. It’s not my fault you’ve turned me into a sex vixen.”

He tilts his head back and sighs before returning to plant small kisses on my shoulder and neck before running up to my mouth. “I’m not mad, baby. I just don’t want you to feel like shit again in the morning. I’m excited to see whatever else you have to show me.” He gently sucks on my lower lip, his excitement returning to match mine.

“I have to show you my world,” I whisper, breathing heavy against his mouth. “Just one more time. I know you’ve got it in you. Let’s own this night and make it one we’ll never forget.”

He gives in, making love to me for a third time in the course of twenty-four hours.

The whole time I feel as if I’m breaking inside.

Early morning I wake alone in Theo’s guest bed. Immediately, I begin to panic. What if something happened, and he’s lying collapsed downstairs in a puddle of his own blood or
whatever
it is that would happen to a diabetic who is in need of a transplant?

What if his heart gave out like Zach’s had?

Again, I’m plagued with the same set of questions I don’t have an answer to. What if he needs insulin? Has he been properly monitoring his blood sugars? What if the alcohol affected his system? Is he past the point of caring about any of that?

I shoot upright. How have we gone this long without him telling me
something
about his condition, or any of the danger signs?

Then I find a note propped on his pillow: Out

Curling up into a ball, the note clutched in my hands, I cry until the tears won’t come anymore.

By loving Adam unconditionally, I haven’t fully considered the perils I’ve agreed to.

Here’s the thing about falling for someone who’s already given up; there’s no promise of tomorrow. There aren’t any words of comfort that can be said, no glimpse of a positive change. Every moment, every thought could be their last. It’s like you’re helplessly walking into quicksand, waiting for the muck to cover your mouth and eyes until you can no longer find a way to breathe. No, it’s more like jumping from a high bridge without the promise of water underneath.

And I fucking
hate
heights.

Finding a home phone number for Adam’s parents is even harder than I guessed.

There must be a hundred Murphys living in Milwaukee, and I don’t even have an idea of their first names. I lock myself in the attached bathroom and run the water while searching through his limited list of friends on Facebook, hoping for enough privacy to get the job done.

Then I come across a name that stands out above the rest.
Cora Stone
. I’ve heard Adam mention Zach’s last name a time or two, and know the two must somehow be related. She’s young and beautiful with long, dark hair and large, brown eyes, possibly still in high school or recently graduated.

It takes four tries before I come up with the right message to send her.

FIFTEEN

“You look
incredibly
hot this morning,” Adam greets me as I emerge freshly showered twenty-some minutes later. He swings me into his arms and plants an extra long kiss on my lips. Like the other day, he tastes strangely fruity, and his lips feel uncharacteristically dry.

I stiffen under his touch, wondering if there’s something he’s neglecting to taste so strange and act so exuberant. His arms aren’t as strong, and I swear I can feel more of his ribs with my touch.

“Maybe you should take my internal temperature,” I say with a wiggle of my brow.

I’ll play his game as long as I can. I just pray that Adam’s parents will be in touch with me soon. Before it’s too late.

He hoists me up into his arms, setting me on top of Theo’s spotless counter.

“Sounds like a formal invitation.” He kisses me hard, his breath already rapid, although I don’t feel his arousal against my wandering hands.

I want to push him away, make him stop. It’s beginning to feel too much like I’m taking advantage of a sick person. Thankfully, my phone vibrates behind us. I reach for it with my mouth still attached to Adam’s.

“Let it ring,” he whispers, catching my lower lip between his teeth. He reaches underneath my shirt to cradle my breasts. “I have bigger plans for you.”

I brace myself against him. “My mom’s mad that she hasn’t been able to reach me the past two days. I have to answer it.” The screen shows an unknown 414 area code.

Bingo
. I hop off the counter and head for the stairway leading outside. “I’m so not talking to her with you standing there fondling me. I’ll be back in a sec.”

I slide my thumb across to answer the call before it’s too late, and pause until I’m safely outside. “Hello?”

“Is this Jewels?” a girl asks, her high voice pensive.

“Yeah. It’s me. Is this Cora?”

“Yeah.” She pauses. “Adam’s mom isn’t...I gave her the message like you asked.

She told me to call you.”

“I know they’re upset that he won’t go through with the transplant. He won’t listen to me either, but he’s really weak. I don’t know anything about diabetes. I want to take him to a doctor, but he refuses to go. He says he’s done with doctors and surgeries. I’m afraid...” I stop to choke on a small sob. “I don’t know what to do. I can’t just stand back and watch him die.”

“Look, I don’t know you, and it’s not my business anymore what he’s doing in New York with you. But you have to find a way to bring him back. He’s going to die without a new kidney. You have to convince him he has no other choice.” She stops, sucking in a deep breath. “They have a donor waiting. You
have to
bring him home.
Please
.”

There’s raw fear and desperation in her voice.
It’s not my business anymore
. Cora was once in love with Adam, or maybe even still is. And she’s afraid.

It takes me a minute to recover from the unexpected blow. “Yeah...I mean, of course.

I’ll do whatever it takes to get him there.”

“Please, hurry,” she says with a catch in her throat.

I drum my fingers against the bar down the street, bouncing my leg and feeling as if I’m going to puke all over. The bartender doesn’t miss this and casts borderline surly looks my way every now and then. Finally, Theo strolls in, wearing his running gear, covered in sweat. I was lucky he had his phone so I could catch him during his morning run.

There’s a twinkle in his eye and a curve to his lips until he sees my face. “What is it?

Did something happen to Adam?”

I shake my head, fighting off tears. “I need your help. I have a plan.”

Storming into Theo’s brownstone, I pass a wide-eyed Adam and head for the guest bedroom on the top floor. “Where are you going? Where have you been?” he calls after me, trailing behind.

“We have to go!” I say, rummaging through my clothes and throwing them into a heap on my bed. “I have to get the fuck out of this city. Let’s go to Texas! Or we could catch a flight to California and be there in no time! It’s crazy awesome, you’ll love it! We don’t have to stay there long though. A night or two would do. We can switch our tickets to Hawaii and be there by the end of the week! We can get your cousin’s pickup on our way back!”

I latch on to him for desperate, needy kisses. The sad part of the act is that I remember how it feels to have an attack of mania. After Jason’s death I was mostly stuck in the depressive mode for months on end, and didn’t cycle too often. But when I was up, I was out of control, getting crazy drunk and sleeping with whatever guy caught my attention. It was when I met Levi that the medicine finally leveled my moods.

The dangerous part is that the downward spiral feels real. I almost don’t know where the lie begins and where the manic part of me has really taken over. Was that the reason I couldn’t get enough of Adam on the rooftop party? It’s almost too easy to slip back into my old ways.

Adam peels me away. “
You’re
the one who wanted to come back here. Why are you freaking out?”

On cue, Theo calls out from downstairs, “You guys still here?”

My eyes widen. “Shit, we have to leave!”

Adam shakes his head. “What’s going on?”

“Don’t go down there!” I plead, clinging to him.

“Jewels, you’re scaring me. You have to stop and take a breath.”

I shake my head, pulling on Adam’s arm. “They can’t make me go back!”

“Be down in a minute!” Adam calls back to Theo. He folds me in his arms, planting sweet-smelling kisses to my temple. “Hey, no one’s making you go anywhere. I’m going to see what Theo wants. Just sit tight for a minute. We’ll talk when I get back.”

“Please,” I whisper, squeezing his shirt in my hands. “Don’t leave me.”

“I’m not leaving you, Jewels, I promise.” He removes my hands from his shirt and kisses me on the lips. “I’m just going to talk to Theo. Whatever’s upsetting you, we’ll figure it out. Together.”

As soon as he’s down the steps, I sneak to the end of the hallway, hoping to catch snippets of their conversation, but I hear the front door close. Adam wants to talk to Theo where I can’t listen in.

Time ticks by slowly. I nearly fall asleep while waiting for the two guys to finish talking. Finally, I hear the click of the front door followed by Adam’s footsteps ascending up the stairway. I race into the bathroom.

He pauses in the doorway. “Jewels?”

I drop the open bottle of pills, watching them scatter across the stone floor. As expected, Adam comes racing into the bathroom. Seeing my hand filled with pills, he approaches me carefully, as if I’m made of dynamite. It reminds me all too well of the way my mom looked at me when I had my first break. “What are you doing?”