Addiction (24 page)

“Only you, baby,” he whispers as I moan. “That is if you want me.”

“Oh, I want you.” I laugh at how desperate I sound, but he cuts it off as his lips touch mine. I move to straddle him and place my hands on either side of his face. He deepens the kiss, and I pull away breathing heavy.

“I’m guessing if you don’t remember that then you don’t remember our conversation about you being scared?” he asks softly.

I frown at the change in subject but don’t question him just shake my head. “What was I scared about?” There’s no telling. Savannah has gotten drunk many times and told me about the craziest things she never remembers the next day.

“You told me that you were afraid of being at the club last night. That you thought I was gonna make you do drugs.” I swallow nervously. I said that? I mean, yeah, I was, but why did I have to say that?

I drop my head and lick my lips. “I was.” I fiddle with my hands between our bodies. This would be easier if he would throw me down and fuck me senseless. Instead, we have to relive an embarrassing moment for me.

He reaches up and grabs them. “Look at me,” he demands quietly.

I look up at him through my lashes. “I told you this several times last night, but you obviously don’t remember.” He gives me a small smile, and it eases my concern. “I would never make you do anything you don’t want to do. And that includes everything. I would never make you do a drug. I would never make you drink, and I would never force you to do something in the bedroom. Do you understand that?”

I nod my head once. “I mean it, baby.” He lets go of my hands and reaches up to cradle my face in his hands. “You are always safe with me. And if you ever feel unsafe, you just have to tell me. Okay?”

“Okay,” I reply with a sigh. “I believe you. I do. I guess I was just so caught off guard last night,” I tell him.

“And that’s my fault. I promise it will never happen again.”

I smile. “Thanks, baby.” He places his lips back on mine, and I kiss him softly. I do feel safe with him. And I do believe he would never put me in harm’s way. Call me selfish, but those words aren’t enough. I need to know more. He just told me that we belonged to each other.

“Case …” I say through our kiss.

“Yes.” He moves his head down to my neck, and he places gentle kisses while nipping at my skin every now and then. I place my hands on his head and push him back, narrowing my eyes at him. “You gotta give me something.”

“Taylor, I can’t …”

“Do you think I don’t deserve to know?” I question with a frown.

“It’s not that you’re not worth it.” He sighs heavily.

“Then tell me. Please,” I beg giving him my puppy eyes. “Tell me who you are.” His eyes search mine, and I add, “You can trust me. I haven’t given you a reason not to.”

For a few long moments, he just stares at me. His dark blue eyes searching mine. “I trust you,” he finally whispers.

I lean in and softly kiss the tip of his lips. When I pull away, he looks down at his left wrist. I hold my breath when I see he is looking at the tattoo Nicole on his wrist. I wanna know who she is.

“What do you want to know?” he asks with a growl as if this is gonna be hard for him.

“Have you been arrested before?” I ask curiously. I know Nicole is a very sore subject. She meant something to him, that’s obvious. I wanna know the things that make him look so dark. The things that make him seem so dangerous. Anyone can fall in love; I wanna know what makes him so special. So mysterious.

He actually throws his head back and laughs. A deep, sexy laugh that makes his muscles flex. “What?” I ask as I slap his hard chest playfully. “It’s a serious question,” I snap at him as he continues to laugh. “Can’t take anything serious,” I say as I get up from straddling him. He grabs my arm and pulls me down to the bed as he straddles me.

He continues to laugh, but it has softened. “Yes, to answer your question, I have been arrested before.”

“For what?” I don’t know what it is about him admitting that, but it makes him even hotter. All I can do now is imagine his hands cuffed behind his back allowing me to have my way with him. What has happened to me?

“Drugs,” he replies with no shame.

“What were you doing with the drugs?” I dig deeper.

He runs his hand down his chin; the sound of his hand rubbing against his facial hair makes me smile. I love that sound. “A friend gave me a number to a man who I was told had what I was looking for. Everything was going fine until I found out it had been a setup. Cops swarmed the place, and I got arrested.” He shrugs carelessly.

“Case, I’m sure it was much more intense than you just made it sound,” I inform him.

He sighs. “What do you want me to say, Taylor? I answered your question. I got arrested. It was a setup. I spent some time in jail.”

“Was that the only time you’ve been arrested?”

“No,” he answers flatly.

I sigh. “Did you fight the cops?” Savannah had said she heard that he had beat up a cop once.

He rolls his eyes but answers my question. “Yes.” He points up at the scar above his right eye. “That’s how I got this. And several other scars.” His eyes drop down to his hands as he fists them.

“All because of drugs?” I whisper.

He closes his eyes for a long second as he takes in a deep breath. When he opens them and looks down at me, his voice is hard. “Yes.”

“Why do you still do it?” I ask confused.

He lifts his hands and places them on his head as he arches it back and lets out a frustrated sigh. “Because it’s what I do,” he says through clenched teeth. “I can’t change who I am, Taylor. Not even for you.”

I feel like he just stabbed me in the chest. “I’m not trying to change you,” I say softly. “I just don’t get why you choose to do something that could end your life.”

He laughs at that. “End my life?” he repeats. “That’s a little extreme, don’t you think?”

“No.” I push myself up on my elbows and look up at him. “I know I have never been a part of your world but that doesn’t mean I don’t see the effects it can have on people. My father …”

“Your father has an addiction,” he interrupts me. “He let it take over his life. He allowed it to eat at him until he willingly gave up everything for one more hit.”

“How do you know you won’t be at that point someday?” I ask sadly. “Don’t you want to have a future? Don’t you want to one day live somewhere else besides in a club?” He just stares at me, that mask of emotion over his face. “Do you ever see yourself settling down and having a family?”

“No,” he says immediately. No thought needed. Just plain and simple no.

I look away from him because his answer hurt. Not because of me, but because he doesn’t want that kind of love. He doesn’t want to experience falling in love, settling down, and starting a family of his own.

I push him off me, and thankfully, he moves away easily. I get off the bed and walk out of my room. All of a sudden, I need a shower. I feel dirty.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

CASE

I fall down on the bed and look up at the ceiling. I let out a growl in frustration, fisting my hands in the air. Fuck, this is fucking with my mind. Now, what am I going to do? How much longer can I lie to this woman? The bigger question is why do I fucking care that I’m lying to her? She’s nobody! She’s just another woman who I’ve taken to bed and now I’m letting her fuck with my head.

I told her that she was mine. And that I was hers. And I don’t even regret that. I don’t know what happened last night, but something changed when we went out. 

When we are at the club and both working, I don’t have time to sit down and watch her. Touch her. Last night, I felt every time she stiffened. I could feel every time her body shook when she was scared or even just uncomfortable. I hated myself for putting her in that situation, but it had to be done. I had to parade her around like my faithful little pet. And I did; the only thing she was missing was a collar and leash. I felt proud when she clung to me as Rox looked at her as if he wanted a fucking piece of her. And I was telling her the truth a while ago about wanting to fuck her right there to prove a point. I was just as jealous as she was.

Hell, she drank so much her true feelings came out about me. And jealousy was the last thing I expected her to feel for me. Grossed out. Ashamed. Instead, she showed how much she wants me.

I look over at her dresser and look at the picture of her family. My chest tightens at the thought of her asking me if I ever wanted that. I did at one point in time, but guys like me don’t do families. Don’t settle down. As I look at her family picture, I see Taylor standing there with a son, a daughter, and a husband by her side, and my jaw clenches. I can’t imagine her with someone else. Just the thought fucking kills me. So what are you gonna do, Case?

I slowly get up and place my jeans on followed by my shirt. I leave it undone because she ripped all of my buttons off it a while ago. Once dressed, I sit back down on the bed not really knowing what to do next.

“I figured you would be gone.”

I look over where she stands in the doorway. Her hair over one shoulder still wet and her towel wrapped around herself. And my cock starts to harden. Just as it did the first time I saw her naked in that hallway behind her.

“I didn’t know you wanted me to go,” I say as if I couldn’t care less I’m still here.

She sighs. “It’s your choice.” Then she turns, giving me her back, and walks away.

I jump out of bed and run after her. I come up behind her in the hallway and turn her around. I look down at her narrowed eyes. “This is why you don’t share your past. This is why you don’t ask questions about future plans,” I growl. “This right here is why you say fuck all that and just worry about right now.”

“I’m not like you, Case,” she snaps.

“I know,” I say softening my voice. “And that’s what I like about you,” I say honestly. That is what makes it so hard to walk away from her. She’s fresh air. She is a new beginning. She makes me feel like I’m not pretending to be something I’m not. But of course, I can’t tell her any of that. She would just have more questions that I could not answer.

“This is stupid.” Her eyes fall to her bare feet. “I’m arguing with you about something that shouldn’t even matter.”

But it does matter.
“I agree,” I say lifting her chin. “So can we just forget it?” You do know this means you can’t ask her questions about herself, right? You can’t want to know about her if you can’t tell her about yourself. That realization hurts.

“Sure,” she says with a careless shrug. I’ve pissed her off. Again. “We’ll play by your rules, Case. But when I decide to quit playing, you can’t blame me for it.” And with that, I let her walk back to the bathroom.

I hang my head like a fucking whipped dog and walk back into her room. I sit on the end of her bed and place my head in my hands. Every part of my life is a secret. I couldn’t even tell her much about Brecken. I couldn’t tell her that he is the best friend I could ever have. That he has saved my life more times than I can count. And more importantly, I wouldn’t be here today if he hadn’t saved my life back when I was seventeen.

My body silently shakes from the cold rain that pours down on me. I hang my head and close my eyes as I pray for it to drown me. Pray for it to pull me deeper into this ocean of madness. The only people who could save me, who give me a reason to live, have left me behind.

You weren’t worth it, Case!

I reach up, dig my fingers into my hair, and grip it tightly. I pull on it as hard as I can making my scalp sting as I scream out. The sky decides to scream with me as thunder booms so loud the ground shakes. I drop my head. Too full of shame. Guilt. Why didn’t you save them? How could you let your family down like that? You’re such a disgrace. You don’t deserve to live!

I feel nothing but pain. Nothing but stinging, mind-numbing pain that is literally ripping me in two.

I lift my head, and it falls back as the rain now hits my face. My chest heaves as I try to breathe from the tightness I feel knowing I’m alone. Tears roll down my face, but the rain washes away the evidence of my brokenness. I just want to be numb. I just want the hurt to go away. It’s so hard to breathe. So hard to get out of bed in the morning.

I drop my head in shame as if I don’t have the strength to hold it up. I open my eyes and I look down at the gun sitting on my lap. My chest tightens and my breath catches as I think about what this gun represents. I close my eyes as I reach down and wrap my hand around the grip. This was my dad’s gun. I’ve seen it every day for as long as I can remember. He always kept it on his nightstand. “Safety,” he would say when I asked about it. He told me it would ‘protect our family if someone ever tried to rip us apart.’ I bet he never guessed it would be the very thing to do just that.

I was taught to respect guns and never to touch one unless I intended to shoot it. ‘Shoot to kill,’ my dad would say. ‘Wounded men have a chance to fabricate a story. They can make you look like the bad guy when they were the ones who had bad intentions.’ 

It’s crazy; I never thought I would need to hold this gun. Now, I can’t imagine what my life would be without it. It’s my demon. But it’s also gonna be my saving grace. It’s gonna save me from a life of mind-blowing pain. It’s gonna save me from a lifetime of nightmares.

I jump off my tailgate and stand behind my truck in the rain in the middle of nowhere. My shoes sink into a puddle and my heart pounds so hard in my chest it drowns out the rain and it’s all I can hear. It’s all I can feel. My right hand taps the gun against my right thigh. The gun feels like it weighs fifty pounds in my hand. But somehow, holding it calms me. Just the feel of it lets me know it will all be over soon.

I need to be with them! I don’t deserve to stay here. I don’t deserve to be the only one expected to go on. We all belong together.

“Case!”

My head snaps up. Through the downpour, I can see Brecken running toward me.

“Go away,” I yell. He’s not supposed to be here. How did he know where to find me?

He comes to a stop just a few feet in front of me. His clothes are soaked and he’s breathing heavy. He looks down at the gun in my hand and then back up at me. “Please don’t do this,” he begs.

“I have to,” I say more to myself than him.

“No!” he shouts fisting his hands down by his side. “You don’t have to do this, Case!”

“The pain …” I swallow the lump in my throat. “I need the pain to go away.”

He takes another step closer to me. “You think I don’t feel pain?” he demands as he punches himself in the chest. “I loved Nicole,” he declares. “I fucking loved her, and now, she’s gone.” He runs his hands through his hair as his chest rises and falls quickly. “You’re my best friend, and you’re also all I have left,” he cries out. “Don’t you understand? This is what they wanted. They wanted to get away with it.”

They already have. It’s been over four weeks since we got the news about Nicole, and with every passing day, it gets harder. “I can’t feel her anymore,” I admit with shame. “She’s really gone.” I tap the gun against my thigh again without thought. It’s as if it’s calling for me. Reminding me it’s my way out.

“I know.” He hangs his head. “But that doesn’t mean we can’t save others from her fate.”

I shake my head. “It’s over,” I yell, getting mad that he would show up here trying to give me hope. That he would make me think I have a chance at life without them.

“Kill me!” he shouts over the rain that continues to come down on us.

“What?”

“Kill me. You wanna die?” He looks down at my gun in my hand. “Then kill me first.”

I take a step back from him, shaking my head, and my back runs into my tailgate. “You’re crazy. I would never kill you,” I say thickly.

He points at my gun, dark eyes narrowed and lips thinned. “If you kill yourself, it will kill a part of me. So just do it already. Kill me,” he shouts, thrusting his arms out to his side.

“Stop!” I yell back as my hands shake down by my sides.

His hands drop to his sides, and he sighs heavily. “A life is a life, Case. What does it matter if you kill me or just yourself? Not even death can change our past. It will only change the future—the future of us finding who took the only woman we love.”

I lift my head as I sit on the end of Taylor’s bed. That day, I just wanted the pain to end. But Brecken made me realize that if I did that, it would only cause pain to others. But honestly, the pain hasn’t gone away. I’ve just learned to live with it. To accept it. I’ve numbed myself to it. I find everyone has something to help them become numb to pain. Somehow, Brecken and I found that drugs could do just that.

“Hey.”

I look up to see Taylor leaning against her bedroom door. Her hair now dry but that towel still wrapped around herself.

“Hey,” I say standing from her bed. I prayed for the water to drown me that day as I stood out in the pouring rain. I may not have drowned, but I’m still treading water. And I’m getting tired of trying to survive. Standing here, right now, looking over at Taylor, I see her as the same way I saw that gun. She’s my saving grace. My chance at something better than a life full of deceit.

She pushes off the door and walks over to me. She stops right before she reaches me and looks up at me through dark lashes. I reach out, wrap my arm around her waist, and pull her to me. With my free hand, I reach up and cup her cheek. My eyes trace her jawline and pouty lips. Then I look into her blue eyes. “God, you’re so beautiful.”

She looks away from me as she blushes, but the smile she has on her lips light up her face. “I’m sorry,” I say softly. She looks back up at me and frowns. I sigh heavily. She doesn’t even understand why I apologized. “For earlier,” I lie. I am sorry for the fight we had, but I’m more sorry I can’t give her what she wants.

“It’s okay.” She tries to give me a half smile, and I know I’ve let her down. But what does she expect? I let everyone down.

I pull away as my cell phone vibrates in my back pocket. I look down at it now in my hand and see BOSS written across the screen in bold letters. “I gotta take this real quick.” I storm out of her room and toward the front door.

I answer it the second I get outside. “Hello?” I ask looking around to see if anyone is out here. Her house sits in the middle of a dead-end neighborhood. It’s pretty quiet every time I’m over here.

“Got anything for me, Case?” he demands. I may run part of this town, but one thing about this business is that there is always someone who is higher up than you.

I run my free hand through my hair. “It’ll be a few more days.” If he knew what I was up to with Taylor, he would kill me.

“Okay. I’ll meet you at the usual spot,” he says and then adds, “It better be something good.”

I lower my phone when I hear him hang up, and I let out a long breath. I take one last look around and then place my phone back in my pocket before returning to Taylor’s house. When I come into her room, she’s sitting on her bed. Her hands rest behind her flat on the bed, and she has her knees pulled up to her chest, shielding her breasts. But I can tell she’s still naked.

She smiles at me. “Thought I would have you work off that apology. Up for the challenge?”

A smirk grows across my face, as my cock hardens in my pants, and I remember why I have put everything on the line for her. Why I chose to break my rules in order to be with her—because she’s worth it!