Addictive Collision (7 page)

“He’s six-two, with broad shoulders and muscles galore,” Juliet said.

“Hmm. I’m definitely not thinking Forrest Gump anymore,” Alexis said.

“Think Ian Somerhalder, with a dash of Brad Pitt, Bradley Cooper, and Robert Pattinson.”

My sister’s eyes brightened. “Wow. He does sound like a hottie. I’ll come over and do your hair and makeup before the big date.”

I slugged her. “You just want to meet Forrest.”

“Everyone has met this mystery man but me, so yes.”

“No interrogations,” I said.

“I’m not Mom.”

I laughed, then guzzled down my drink. “Listen, I’ve gotta go. I’ve got to get my stuff over to your house before I pick up the kids from school.”

“You’ve got my spare key, right?”

“Yep. Thanks, sis.”

“No problem...and don’t forget to bring Harvey. I love that dog!”

“The kids will be so happy you’re letting him come. And listen, I can give you some rent next week.”

“What? No way. Mom’s letting me live there for free. She decided not to sell it, and she’s gonna let me keep it till I get through school. I mean, it’s right next to Belmont, so it works out well. But what are you gonna do with your house? Give it to Tom?”

“I can’t afford it.”

“That’s what child support is for.”

“We still have a lot to discuss,” I said, then turned to face the rest of my friends. “Thanks for the fun and laughs. It’s been fun, but I know I’ve got no right to go out with that mailman, no matter how hot he is. I’ve gotta do the right thing, so I’ll call him and cancel tomorrow.”

“Yeah, maybe you’re not ready, Morg. Maybe it’s better to wait a while,” Sophie said. “But still, it was fun to fantasize.”

“Don’t take it as slow as Juliet is taking the Kyle situation,” Erin laughed.

“Hey!” Juliet said, slapping her on the arm. “Getting your best friend to fall in love with you takes a lot of patience and hard work. But I promise I’ll snag him before I turn eighty. I don’t think he’ll find me very sexy in Depends.”

I
went back to the house and picked up the things I’d already packed, then hurried to pick the kids up from school. The girls were thrilled to stay at their aunt’s house for a while, and they thought of it like a mini-vacation. They didn’t know the truth, and I didn’t have the heart to explain everything to them.

A short while later, Juliet came over to watch them for me while I went back over to hash things out with Tom.

“You stayed with me because it was easy. You got comfortable, and you hate change, but we both know whatever we had died a long time ago,” I said. “Why would you even want me to stick around? So I can be a nanny, a cook, a housewife, a friend? Do you just want a roommate to pal around with? Am I just here to cover half the bills, since we both know that mortgage would sink you on your own? Tell me, Tom, why I’m really here. I’ve got plenty of reasons to leave, but I can’t think of one reason to stay.”

“Morgan, you know much I care about you. Please think about what you’re doing, and reconsider. You need to stay. We need to work this out.”

“I have one life to live, Tom, and I don’t want to spend it in misery. I thought after I left the first time, you might really think about what it was like not to have me in your life. I thought things would change, that you’d treat me different, but nothing has changed. We’re right back at square one, the same old rut we started out in. I can’t live like this. I want to feel special in somebody’s life.”

“So what do you want me to do?” he questioned.

“I can’t believe you even have to ask. I’m tired of living on autopilot. I’m so lonely and miserable.”

He placed his hands on his hips. “What do you want from me, Morgan?”

I gazed deeply into his eyes. “I just want you to love me with the intensity of a thousand suns. I just want to feel like I’m the only woman in the world.”

He rolled his eyes. “Romance flicks again, huh? Or maybe you’ve picked up some of those cheesy paperbacks from the checkout lane. Look, Morgan, those Fabio-like, perfect guys on the cover of those stupid books don’t exist. It’s just fantasy, a bunch of bullshit. You’re expecting me to be some Prince Charming, some kinda hero, when there’s really no such thing.”

“I don’t need a hero, Tom. I just need a husband, someone who is a companion and really shares my life—somebody who smiles at me, laughs at my jokes, and holds my hand when we walk down the street.”

He pondered my words and shifted his stance. “So let’s go to counseling again.”

“That won’t be enough. We’re so far gone it’s not even funny. How can you even expect me to stay married to you? You’re emotionally unavailable. I’ve been unhappy for years, and it’s sad that it’s come to this, but I’m afraid there’s no fixing it now. We can’t just put a Band-aid on a shark bite and look the other way.”

He looked at me like I was the most evil, vile person in the world. “I can’t believe you’re willing to tear this family apart.”

“Don’t try to send me on a guilt trip. It won’t work anymore. We can and will still give the kids a good life. My sister only lives a street away. She has a huge house and can’t afford the bills, so it will help her out if we move in. I won’t ask for child support, because I don’t want your money. I won’t backtalk you or say anything bad about you to our children. I encourage you to keep the relationship you have with them, because you’re a damn good father. You can come see them anytime you want. I won’t be a bitter ex-wife. I want us to remain friends, to stay on good terms. I don’t hate you, Tom. You’re still my best friend, and I hope we can have an amicable split.”

“Amicable? You’re ruining everything we worked so hard for!” he said.

“No,
you
did that. There is discord in our relationship, a real disconnect, and it started a long time ago. For so long, I was too blind to face the facts. It’s so obvious that you dumped me a long time ago. We share a house, bills, kids, a room, a toilet, a fridge, and even our last name, but we’re still nothing more than roommates. I can’t believe this is such a surprise to you. I may as well have joined a convent over the last few years.”

He threw his hands up in the air. “How is this going to look to all our friends and neighbors? A divorce will stain and tarnish my good reputation.”

“Oh my gosh! Is that all your worried about? How it will look to everyone? What about
my
needs?” I stared at him hard. “You’ve not touched me for years. Tell me, Tom, who
have
you been touching?”

He touched my shoulders. “Morgan, I swear there’s no other woman in my life but you.”

A tear slipped down my face. “Do you have any idea how much my heart is breaking? The pain is so great that I feel like giving up altogether.”

He touched my cheek. “I’m hurting too.”

“This cuts me so deep, right to my soul, and I mean that. It hurts so much that I can barely breathe.”

“Then let me take it away,” he whispered.

I looked up into his eyes, and more tears dripped down my face. “Just answer one question.”

Tom met my gaze and wiped a tear from my cheek. “Anything.”

“Do you find me attractive anymore? Do you think I’m still...sexy?”

He blinked. “You know how beautiful you are.”

I gripped his hands. “Tom, do you really, really love me?”

He blinked as if searching for the perfect answer. “Well, see, passion is—”

“Give me the Cliff’s Notes, Professor. It’s a simple question. A simple yes or no will suffice. Do you love me?”

“Yes. Of course I do.”

“I-I don’t mean as a friend,” I said between sobs. “Do you love me in a romantic way? And please answer honestly.”

He swallowed hard. “I guess maybe not in the way you want me to, but like you said, we’re best friends. You know how much I love you and care about you, and—”

“And what, Tom? And we’re supposed to stay in a lie of a marriage that is really just a disguise for some plutonic friendship? Anyway, that’s all I need to know.” I had known it all along, of course, but hearing him say it outloud was a huge blow. “I’m going,” I said.

He kissed me on the head. “I’m so sorry.”

“If you don’t love me like that, why did you want me to stay?”

“Like you said, I hate change. I’m comfortable like this. Also, I sure as hell don’t want to lose my best friend.”

“But that’s all we are.”

“Yes,” he softly said. “I guess I didn’t really wanna admit that, but it’s true.”

“We had our share of wedded bliss, I guess, but it was all an illusion, and now it’s gone. Goodbye, Tom.” I couldn’t stand there and look at him for another minute, so I bolted out of the house and ran straight to my sister’s house.

E
ven though I knew I’d never go back to Tom and that our marriage had died years ago, my heart still ached. I wasn’t sure why I’d even fought so hard, for so long, because my love for him had faded too. I just wanted to be able to tell my children that I had given it my all, which I had. Telling Tom how I truly felt was the hardest part, because I had once loved and adored him. We had shared so much together, and leaving him was like losing a friend I saw every single day.

When I got back to Alexis’s house, I thanked Juliet for watching the kids. She offered to stick around, but I just wanted to be alone. I didn’t have the heart to tell my children the harsh truth, not yet.

After they went to bed, Alexis came home, and we shared a few beers on the back porch.

“Well? How’d it go?” Alexis asked.

“It was...painful.”

She hugged me. “I’m so sorry.”

“It was also kind of liberating to finally let go of him. I’m just gonna dust myself off and move on. I have to.”

“I admire you, sis. That took guts, and you’re so damn strong.”

“I just hope I did the right thing,” I said, sipping my beer.

“You’ve gone long enough without passion, without sex. When months become years, it’s a huge red flag.”

“I know. You’re right. A sexless marriage is doomed to frustration, loneliness, heartache, and misery, and I’m just not ready to give up that part of my life.”

“I even Googled it.”

“You did?”

“Yep.
Newsweek
estimates that 15 to 20 percent of couples are stuck in that kind of hell, so at least you weren’t alone. Even old people love sex. I’m sure I’ll still be jumping my man’s bones when we’re old and wrinkled.”

“Don’t jump too hard. Bones get pretty brittle at that age.”

We both laughed.

Alexis grabbed a notebook and said, “Well, spill it.”

“What?” I asked, confused.

“Give me the list, everything you want in your next relationship. I read this online. It will help you heal and will give you a roadmap for rebuilding your life. So, what do you want most in your next boyfriend?”

“I just want somebody to love me, somebody to hold me, somebody who wants to be with me for me. I don’t care what he looks like. I married a gorgeous man, and that got me nowhere.”

“Well, whoever you date, he’s gonna be a lucky guy.”

“Think I have too much baggage?”

“Who doesn’t? Hell, we oughtta all buy stock in Samsonite. If he loves you for you, he won’t care about a few extra suitcases.”

I smiled. “You’ve always been there for me, sis.”

“Yeah? Well, who stayed up all night and helped me polish off a gallon of chocolate ice cream when Timmy dumped me?”

I raised my hand. “Guilty, as charged.”

“We’ve got each other’s backs,” she said. “That’s what sisters are for.”

I held up my hand, and we wrapped our pinkies together in the same swear we used to make as children.

“I’m gonna call Forrest and cancel our date. I shouldn’t have agreed to go out with him, but I guess he sorta swept me off my feet in a very vulnerable moment.”

“Honey, any attention to a guy is gonna bring you to your knees for a while. Heck, it’s a good thing Harvey didn’t lick you too much, or you might’ve gone out with him.”

I laughed. “You’re right, but I still need to cancel. Forrest seems like a nice enough guy, but I need to get my life straightened out before I jump into a relationship.”

“Girlfriend, it’s one date, not a relationship. You’re going out to dinner or a movie, not picking out china. What’s wrong with a little companionship?”

“It’s too soon. Tom and I just broke up.”

“I don’t think there’s such thing as too soon. Besides, you’ve been over Tom for years. It’s not like you’re just on the rebound.”

I stared off into the distance. “I’m sure this hot guy’s after a fling.”

“So? What’s wrong with that? You deserve to get laid.”

“I really could stand to get a little somethin’-somethin’. I swear, I think it’s been years.”

“That’s a long, dry spell in the bedroom,” she said.

“Yeah, my sex life is on a downhill slide.”

She cocked a brow. “What sex life?”

“You’re right. It’s just...nonexistent. You think I’ll ever be able to get back on the horse again?”

“C’mon! It’ not rocket science, Morgan. It’s like riding a bicycle. You never really forget.”

“I can’t just go out and have a steamy affair.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m a mother now, and I have to think of my kids first. It’s irresponsible to think about stuff like that.”

“Nonsense,” she said, shaking her head. “You can date responsibly. Nobody said you have to go out and do every guy in town. Although, I don’t think anyone would blame you after such a long dry spell.”

I nudged her in the ribs, and she laughed. “I just...well, I guess I feel like I’m stuck. I’ve got cold feet, yet I’m longing for warmth. Just thinking about Forrest gives me the jitters. I don’t think I can handle someone like him.”

“Maybe you need to test-drive a starter car before you take off in the Ferrari.”

I laughed again. “You and your crazy analogies. But anyway, yeah, I’m afraid I’d crash a fine sports car like that.”

“Listen to you.”

“Remember when we went on that no-carb diet, avoiding bread for months?”

“Yeah, and then we were confronted by the almighty pepperoni pizza. I swear, we musta devoured the whole thing in ten minutes. Pizza had never tasted so good.”