Advice by Clyde (2 page)

I believe he is leading me towards the
kitchen, which works out well because I am getting a little hungry.
The kitchen isn't easy for me to break into, but I am sure Nyx
won't mind feeding her poor, defenseless, or opposable thumbless,
dog.

“I wouldn't be so sure about that,” Mommy
says as we enter the room. “I think we need a few minutes to talk
alone, Jake.”

The coward quickly turns tail and runs out
of the room from the tone of Nyx's voice. It isn't even the worse
one I have heard and he runs. What a dork. I am a little surprised
to find Her Highness alone. That pretty much never happens.

“What can I do for you today, Mother?” I ask
as I walk closer to the fridge. I hope she gets the idea and takes
out a couple of steaks for me.

“I'll feed you when I am done, but we need
to talk about this advice column thing first,” she replies and I
give her my patented 'I don't know what you are talking about'
look.

This has me worried that the humanoids are
paying way more attention than I thought they were. I hope they
didn't find out about me humping a fluffy stuffed duck I found
lying around the other day. It was just the right firmness
to...well you get the idea. I couldn't help myself.

“How do you think I am running this advice
column? That would seem difficult for someone from my species to
pull off.” I am still trying to pull off innocence. I imagine it
will be short lived, but I can try.

“I'm not an idiot. Sebastian monitors
everyone's computer activity to make sure we don't have any forces
working against us. You have met the man before, so that shouldn't
come as a shock to you.” She hops up on to the counter and starts
swinging her legs. “I actually think the stuff is kind of funny,
but the guys' legal team doesn't share that sense of humor. They
want you to put up more warnings around the site. You need to make
sure before people even enter that they can see the site is just
for fun and the advice given shouldn't be taken as real.”

“But it is real. You have obviously read
some of it. Don't you think my responses make sense?”

“Maybe in our world, but I believe a lot of
these people are humans and they can't just get away with stabbing
someone that pisses them off. If I get mad and need to stab Alex,
he will most likely heal. If human Jim gets mad at his wife, human
Jill, and stabs her a couple of times to get it out of his system,
she ain't waking up in the morning.”

Hmm. I thought I had been good about giving
killing as only a last resort, but some humans are thickheaded
enough that they read things backwards.

“Okay, I can put up more warnings to ensure
they don't do something dumb. Were there any specific words they
wanted me to use?” I ask and watch as she jumps off of the counter
and walks towards the fridge. “Steak, yes. Five for me please.”

“You will get three and that is it. You are
starting to get a little pudgy. I think you need to spend a little
more time in the gym and less time in front of that computer.”

She is lucky that her owner bond with me
keeps me from biting her ankles. She would have been feetless
months ago if I could have eaten them. I wait for her to put my
food on the ground before I give my reply. My three steaks can just
as easily become none if I really piss her off.

“You know, you might want to take your own
advice on that one. That belly of yours looks like a few laps
around the track would do it some good,” I say after inhaling my
third steak.

“So smart waiting to run your mouth until
after you have finished. You forget that I can have Sebastian
restrict your Internet access, though. I think a couple of hours
without your amusement will do you some good.”

“You are a mean, heartless woman, Mother.
You wouldn't really do that to me, would you?” We give each other
crap all the time. She is way too sensitive about a few extra
pounds.

“I need to go make sure the guys aren't
planning things to make my life more difficult. The lawyers are
going to email you the wording you should use. You won't be able to
see it just yet because Sebby has already severed your connection,
but I want the warning up by the end of the night,” she says and
then leaves the room like she didn't just wreck my universe.

She didn't say for sure how long my
punishment is going to last, but even a minute is too long. I might
as well just lie down on the kitchen floor and cry. The meanest
mother in the world just left the building. She has spent months
threatening me for my actions and never once come up with a way to
discipline me that actually works.

I respond to her telling me I could lose a
few pounds by telling her the same and that finally snapped her. Is
there even anything to do around this house that doesn't revolve
around me being on my computer?

“Ouch, that was pretty harsh,” Jake says
coming back into the room. “You had to know she was still sensitive
about the weight. Alex said something to her the other day and she
practically strangled him.”

Is he looking for some kind of response or
just expecting me to cry on his shoulder? He is going to be stuck
waiting if he expects either one. I roll my eyes and head for the
exit. I think it is time to try to find some grass somewhere that
needs a little watering. It is an impossible task, but I can try.
If I wasn't starting to become afraid of Nyx's reaction, I would go
see if her pillow was a little dry and in need of hydration.

“Hey, I am assigned with keeping an eye on
you for the next two hours, so quit trying to run away,” Jake says
following close behind.

You have got to be kidding. Someone has
really put a bug up Mom's ass. She must’ve found out about the
duck. I tried to hide the dang thing, but I must not have done a
good enough job. I wouldn’t doubt it if that Sebastian character
has cameras around this place and showed her video proof of the
event.

Me and Sebastian have never really got
along. The vampire knows my mind way too well and that has been
causing me grief since I moved in with Nyx. I think our brains were
somehow separated at birth. With him being over a thousand years
older than me that makes that notion a mad scientist’s wet dream. I
hope I am not giving any ideas to people that shouldn’t be allowed
to have ideas.

I should be thankful during my punishment
that I have Jake babysitting me and not Jonas or one of the vamps.
Will is the only semi-cool vampire in our mix and that is because
he was a human less than a year ago. The rest have some superiority
complex when it comes to hanging out with me. Funny, the feeling is
mutual.

Jake has spent enough time with me that we
can almost communicate, but he doesn’t always interpret things
correctly and I have been known to let out my explosive bark when
he gets cold on his assumptions.

“Do you ever wish you could turn into a
human like the rest of us?” Jake asks as I take care of business on
the side of a building. I wonder if he has noticed we are out for a
walk and I am not wearing my leash. That is usually bad news in
Nyx’s book.

Mom tends to hint that Jake is missing a few
screws in the ol’ noggin and with a question like that, I have to
agree. I am usually spoiled and pampered and he thinks I would want
to turn humanoid and have to do everything for myself? What a
nutter.

I make sure he is looking at me and shake my
head as emphatically as I can. It makes my head spin a little, but
I think I get the point across.

“Yeah, I guess you like being a kept dog. Do
you want to go for a run? It will keep us busy until she lifts the
ban.”

It is something to do and I love
embarrassing the cocky wolf. You’d think he’d tire of eating my
dust, but so far he is a source of amusement for me at least once a
week.

I give a quick nod and etch a line in the
ground with one of my toenails. It’s not the straightest line in
the world, but it will do for our purposes. I take my position and
wait for the slow poke to change and get ready.

I don’t care if they say it doesn’t hurt;
watching them change from humanoid into canine makes me cringe. The
organs moving and bones shifting just creeps me out.

Jake takes his place and I pound my paw on
the ground three times and then take off. In this form, neither of
us can hear what the other is saying or thinking, so I enter my
zone and make a path. We didn’t discuss where we were racing to, so
I guess we just run until we drop. Good times.

Chapter 3

A demonic visit

I am back in my room now and working to find
an alternative way to keep connected to the Internet even when
Mother thinks I need my cord cut. My ban has been lifted and I am
working all my search engines at once to find a good solution.

In case you are wondering, Jake is off
licking his wounds and panting like a baby in some corner of the
house. Someone fed the boy a little extra protein today and he was
getting a little too close to my heels, so I may have let out a
quick bark to turn him humanoid again.

No one said I play fair.

Back on the computer, I bookmark a few
different links to visit later. I want to make sure the warning
gets in place before Nyx decides my time is up. I am going to need
to order her a cannon or something to get back on her good side.
She is always whining about wanting one.

I open my email to find seven new emails. I
pick the one from the sender with the stupidest name and figure
that is the lawyer’s. My assumption is proven right and I start
reading through a bunch of legal mumbo jumbo.

It has to be so boring to sit around and
come up with this stuff. I skim through the words that only make
sense to two people on this planet and find the pertinent text I
need. A little copy and paste followed by a file upload and I am
legal.

Time to get back to the more important
emails in the mix, one with the subject line “Clyde you are my only
hope” caught my eye. The emails all tend to have that feel to them,
but rarely ever do people come right out and plead for my help.

That doesn’t make my already super-sized
head any bigger at all.

Dear Clyde,

I just want to say I am a big fan. Your
advice has helped me so much in the past just from reading what you
have told others. Seeing how nice you are to everyone made me feel
safe enough to write to you for help. I am a human and I am
planning to stay that way, but I am afraid my boyfriend is turning
into a werewolf. I don’t know if he was bit sometime recently or if
he has always been that way, but lately he stays out all hours of
the night and comes home covered in dirt. You have said you live
with werewolves, so I figured you were an expert on the
subject.

What should I do?

Confused in a cornfield

Oh man. This chick lives in some alternate
universe. I have heard of crop circles supposedly from aliens
showing up in cornfields and I am now a firm believer that this
lady was abducted at some point and her brains were sucked out of
her melon.

She claims to be a fan so I have to think of
a way to reply as gently as possible. I don’t want to lose a fan,
but I have to set her straight.

Dear Confused,

I am sorry to hear that the anal probe has
caused your brain to fire only half of its neurons. My first
suggestion to you is to visit a doctor and see if they can’t get it
removed. With that recommendation, I advise you to stay out of any
cornfields for the next few years.

As far as your boyfriend goes, the dude is
cheating on you and you need to throw him to the curb. You can
follow him and check to see if he has picked up a spare job to try
to buy you a diamond ring, but my money is on him chasing tail.

Humans don’t turn into werewolves. It is
impossible and most werewolves won’t stick their jimmies into human
caves. There are a select few that do, but unless your boyfriend’s
name is Jake, you are probably out of luck. Even if it is Jake, I
suggest you throw the jerk to the curb.

Go out and find yourself another alien
abductee and procreate with them. I am sure that was what the
aliens were hoping would happen anyway.

Clyde

There that doesn’t sound too harsh, but yet
gives her great advice. I didn’t even tell her to kill the cheating
jerk. I should print and frame the webpage for Mom, but I am sure
she has already seen it thanks to Sebastian the Stupid.

I glance over my words again just to make
sure it gets the point across and then hit save to publish the new
post. I am sure there are some other people that need my help, but
I saw an email from my buddy Ben and that is the next priority in
my mind.

Ben is a reaper demon and as I mentioned
earlier, he was my original owner. Mom doesn’t like him that much
and I don’t really get it. Sometimes I think they have a little
sexual tension going on between them and if I could find a room to
lock them in together, they would come out a lot happier.

However, I would probably be skewered and
roasted on a pit if she continued to insist on dodging their
happiness. I don’t even want to think about what Sebastian would
do. He would probably just find a way to kill me and make it look
like an accident.

Ben’s email just says he is on his way. It
was sent ten minutes ago, so I am surprised he hasn’t appeared yet.
Nyx doesn’t know that Ben likes to come for visits. We have worked
it out that he just pops into my room and then I type out answers
to fill him in on the events going on around the place.

There have been a couple of times in the
past where he has missed key events in Nyx’s life and he is such a
weirdo that he doesn’t want it to happen again. For a demon he is a
weenie when it comes to dealing with Mom.

The smell of burning flesh hits my nose and
I know he has arrived. It is an appealing scent to my nose, but I
bet most wouldn't welcome it. If you have spent enough time in
Hell, it smells like home.