Advice by Clyde (3 page)

“Hey, Buddy. Have you been staying out of
trouble?” Ben asks as he conjures up a chair to sit on.

Out of everyone I deal with on a consistent
basis, you would think Ben would have figured out a way for us to
talk without me typing on the computer. He must be too busy
corrupting the innocent.

A little bit of advice, don’t call Mom fat,
or even hint that she is packing on the pounds. She would probably
kill you without blinking an eye.

“That advice works for any woman, Clyde.
Other than that is she doing well? She still isn’t talking to me
and I am starting to let that get to me. Has she mentioned me
lately?”

This is how most of our secret meetings go.
He may try to act like he is all cool around Nyx, but I know he is
hoping to at least convince her to be his close friend. His class
of demons has some strange need to be liked. I guess it stems from
it making a reaper demon’s life a lot easier if they are able to
get on your good side.

Maybe we can go in halfsies on a cannon. Do
you happen to know any arms’ dealers that could make us a good
deal?

“Do you think it will help my case? I can
get a really nice one if it will. Are there any other weapons she
would like?” He is rubbing his hands together apparently loving the
idea of using a bribe.

I know Mom is now only pretending to still
really be pissed at the demon. He has never been her favorite
person. Why, I have never been sure. He is a lot cooler than either
of the two doofuses she calls mate. Those two idiots keep stuff
from her all the time, but when Ben did, for her own good, she gets
all pissy like someone ate the last pound of bacon and made no
plans to restock the fridge.

You know how she is about artillery; the
boys just have to whisper machete in her ear and she starts purring
like a kitten.

“I have noticed that about her. I will find
her the perfect item and put both of our names on the card. I take
it her health hasn’t changed since I last made attempts to speak
with her. “

Other than the added weight, things seem
fine. I can’t tell any difference with her mood since she is always
pretty bitchy.

Something I never thought would happen
occurs and it leaves my ears ringing a tad. Ben just smacked me
upside the head. Evidently hearing the truth about his potential
baby mama is too much for the demon.

“Nyx is a goddess and should be talked about
as such, you little rascal. I have been summoned by my leader, so
it may be a few days before I can stop by for a chat. I hope I can
still rely on you to keep her safe in my absence.”

It has been my job from the day she brought
me home. I am still surprised all the guys involved haven’t just
held Nyx down and wrapped her in Kevlar and bubble wrap. She does a
decent job of not getting herself injured, but she is still
required to have guards with her at all times outside of the
compound.

She is my master, so of course I am all over
the protecting her gig. The next time you visit, could you bring me
some of those broiled hearts you make? I cannot convince anyone
around here to buy some for me.

“I will see what I can do. It has been a
while since the last time I have enjoyed one myself. I have tried
to keep a more normal diet in hopes that I will be spending more
time here where Hell’s delicacies aren’t available.” He seems to be
done with the conversation, so he pops out of the room.

Normal to who, Nyx? What a sap. He was so
much cooler before he met her. She has that effect on people.

Chapter 4

Really sage ideas

With the demon gone, I can get back to
checking email. A couple of spam messages somehow made it through.
I am going to have to make some adjustments to my filter. I have
gotten some really interesting messages that I really wanted to
believe were true, but learned quickly they were not. Because of
that, I have put together a long list of search terms to keep out
of my inbox. I really hate being disappointed.

The other emails look to be standard pleas
for my advice. Half of them I have more or less already answered.
The lazy humans don’t even realize their question is the same as
Billie Jo’s that I answered last week. It is funny because I can
see that some of the email addresses actually posted comments to
the posts that answer the same question.

Humans perplex me most days. I have dealt
with a few of them in person thanks to Nyx and for the most part,
they seem just like paranorms. They can’t do any cool tricks, but
basic cognitive functions seem to be the same.

I haven’t found any paranorms writing in to
ask me for advice, though. I don’t know if they are just better at
handling their own business or what, but I like to think somewhere
deep down in their noggins they have just a smidgen more common
sense.

I am not really in the mood to deal with the
advice emails right now, so that means it is time for one of my
favorite segments, Real Time Advice with Clyde. That is when I
write about a topic that bugs me and give my advice on how the
problem can be solved.

Today’s topic: Babies.

I am sure this will be a somewhat
controversial topic for all the moms out there, but it is something
that has been on my mind lately and needs to be addressed. Daily, I
hear about the miniature beings from my circle of peeps and I am so
over hearing about the little creatures. Also in this post, let’s
see how handy my thesaurus can be when I say the same thing in the
same sentence using synonyms. Our current count is one
instance.

I have to start with a little disclaimer
that I have never met a baby, but the way the grown-up humanoids’
minds turn to mush when they start talking about them makes me
believe they should be abolished.

Some may take a moment to point out that I,
myself, was very likely once considered a baby. I would counter
that I doubt anyone topside would be able to furnish sufficient
proof of the event occurring, so we are just going to pretend I
magically appeared as a mostly adult Hellhound right out of the
gate.

Face it, I was three feet tall by the time I
was three months old. There is nothing baby or puppy about that
fact. Plus, my brain was functioning just fine the second I debuted
in this world. I don’t think that is something you can for sure say
about the humanoid regular version of children.

So, back to the topic at hand, I have seen
strong men, both physically and mentally, brought to their knees
thinking about babies lately and it is getting pathetic. To stop
the epidemic, we need to kill it at the source. I am not talking
about going on a baby killing murder spree, so put down the phone.
You don’t know where I really live anyway and sending cops to my
building would probably not turn out too well for them.

We need to either find a way to make the
little snot gatherers age once they pop out or just stick to
cloning. I think having a scientist create and raise your baby is
probably the best bet to keep the emotional explosion from even
starting. The kid/adult will still be your child, but you can just
skip over the annoying parts, like potty training and staying up
all night with a wailing kid.

I think that is a win-win for everyone,
isn’t it? You can ensure your line will live on long after you have
turned to dust and you don’t have to worry about diaper changes. If
there are any scientists out there pursuing this course of action,
you know how to reach me. I have tons of ideas on how we could make
this a reality.

That’s all I have to say on the topic for
now. Make sure to state your opinion in the comment section
below.

Clyde

P.S. Mom, I am sure my little sister will be
awesome.

That is sure to get some replies. Sometimes
I like to post things just for their shock factor. I am sure I
won’t really have a problem once I meet a baby. I just hope the kid
looks good because I have never been great about those awkward
“she’s so cute” moments. I don’t think I would be able to lie and
I’d probably tell the parent my butt was better looking than their
kid.

We have a few more hours before I will be
calling it a day, so I need to come up with something fun to let
you dive even deeper into my world. My days used to be action
packed, but Mom’s business has slowed down a little because the
dorky mates want to make sure she is getting plenty of rest and not
overworking herself.

Why she hasn’t just killed both of them is
still a mystery to me. I guess there is the small possibility that
she could die as well, but some days I think it might be worth the
chance. With her not going into the office every day, and working
more at home, things can get a little dull.

I love the crime fighting aspect of what she
does, but the mandate for no hazardous cases went out and we are
stuck rescuing kittens from trees. Not really, but you get the
idea. Just for added information, a kitty in a tree sounds like
lunch to me.

I should probably go make nice with Nyx
anyway. We are moving in a few days and she doesn’t know it yet.
The guys, mainly Alex, have been working like mad to refurbish this
humongous house he has on the outskirts of town. If you ask me, it
is about time. This apartment is cool, but is a little small with
all the hulking guys that live here. I am able to have my own
space, but if they find any more guards, I am going to be back on
the couch.

That is not an acceptable option.

I turn on my login screen, which apparently
does no good since Sebastian can just tunnel in, and then hop down
to go find Nyx. Yes, we are going to start another section that
happens and then I come back and type like it is happening right
then. I enjoyed it so much the first time that I thought a repeat
was in order.

Nyx is most likely sitting at her desk
plotting someone’s demise. I think about five hours out of her day
is devoted to that task. I like to believe I am the target of those
thoughts only a third of the time. I guess it really just depends
on the day.

Surprisingly, her desk is vacant. Will and
Marcus are hanging out in the living room, though, so they should
be able to direct me on where to find my missing mistress. It’d be
easier if I could just ask them, but life is never that simple.

I settle my rump onto the floor in front of
them and stare menacingly so they know I want something. You would
be shocked to learn how long it took me to teach them that
trick.

“You hungry again, Clyde?” Marcus asks
noticing me right away. He is pretty good at this game.

We usually find ourselves in this situation
because of food, but for once, I am pretty satisfied in the tummy
region, so I shake my head. To get them closer to the right track,
I tilt my head towards Nyx’s desk.

“You want to hack into Nyx’s computer and
send secret messages to human government officials?” Will
questions.

I think I am going to have to take back
every nice thing I have ever said about the guy. Where in the world
would he get that idea? It sounds like an awesome thought, but I
have no problem doing that sort of thing from my own computer.

“I think he is just looking for Nyx, you
lemonhead.” Marcus is shaking his head and has to be wondering why
Will has to be a vampire.

I nod my head to let them know that he is on
track. I do have to say that next to brainy Sebastian, Marcus is
one of the smarter people in the house. It is the main reason why I
try to steer clear of him.

“Oh, I guess that does make more sense. Her
and Phee ran off to the gym to get a workout in. I hear someone
mentioned her expanding waistline and she threw a fit,” Will
says.

Seriously? A fit isn’t totally out of
character for her, but there ain’t a thing she can do about the
weight, so she needs to just get over it. I am sure it will
disappear within a month. Knowing her boyfriends, it will magically
find its way back soon though.

I lift my paw to wave bye as I head towards
one of the many doors that will get me to the gym. I choose the
path in the kitchen because it is easier for me to reach the button
that opens the secret passage. I guess Sebastian had to go through
and lower all his previously too tall for Nyx buttons. It works for
me because I can hit it with my nose.

I try not to do the trick in front of Nyx
because along with the weight issue, she is a little sensitive
about her height. She tries to hide it, but I see the glares she
gives those taller than her, which just happens to be everyone.

Chapter 5

Kissing up hurts my lips

This whole apartment building is set up
pretty cool. There are secret tunnels everywhere and some even lead
to the outside world. The only good thing I have found about
Sebastian is that he knows his stuff when it comes to security.

I wasn’t around when he moved Nyx into this
place, but I bet he picked the locale because it is like a fort. No
force could make it in and with how many people Nyx pisses off on a
daily basis that comes in really handy.

I make it to the gym and see Nyx doing a
great job of kicking the crap out of Phee. Mom and Phee are nowhere
near the same league so this isn’t a shock. It is actually worse
than usual because Phee isn’t allowed to fight back.

I don’t know how long this has been going
on, but it isn’t going to last much longer. Phee looks tired and
Mom doesn’t want to do real damage. At least I hope my comments
didn’t push her to that point.

“Give the girl a break. Unless you are going
to wrap her in some extra protection, I think she is done.” I don’t
want to get too close to the action, so I grab a seat close to the
door.

“Are you trying to piss me off today,
Clyde?” Nyx asks as she stops her assault. “Hit the showers,
Phee.”

“Thanks,” Phee replies and then falls to the
ground. “I will clean up once my body resolidifies. I wish the guys
would man up and fight against you. I don’t know that I can take
another session like that.”