After the Death of Anna Gonzales (9781466859524) (3 page)

Okay …

So Mrs. Gonzales doesn't really know me.

   But I do go to Anna's school.

Okay …

So it's gonna be pretty weird going to her house today.

   But investigative reporters do hard stuff all the time.

My mom would say it's too rude.

But my mom doesn't understand.

Why should I wait until after college

When this could be my big break?

Damn! I wish I'd taken Anna to a dance.

Then I'd have had some special background.

Definitely a missed opportunity now.

Tammy Billet

I want to

   Safari into Africa and see zebras right up close.

   Sing with an all-girl band that rocks right off the charts.

   Send myself to Paris for a summer on the Seine.

   Stay up all night dancing with a handsome, mysterious man

     Who kisses me passionately and sweeps

       me off into the best of the romance

       novels I read on the Saturdays I

       spend alone.

Every time my father fails to provide child support,

And my mother cries that she doesn't know what to do about all these mouths

To feed,

I go in my room and add another line to my list.

I don't understand why anyone would think

That life isn't going to get better.

How could you check out

Before the good stuff ever started?

Alexis Jimers

I always thought I was so

Lucky

That my friend never spilled secrets

Like my crush on Ricky

Which she didn't let slip

Even when Debbie promised great gossip in return.

A and A they called us,

But we called ourselves the A+s.

Because that's how it seemed when we were

Together.

We spent sleepovers swearing Ms. Mason had a crush on Mr. Barron.

We wondered about the “right” way to really kiss a boy.

We made collages of all our favorite movie stars.

Once, we even invented our own language.

But somewhere, buried in all those words,

Must have been a meaning I didn't understand.

And somehow, lost in all those kept secrets,

Was one I'd give anything for her to have spoken.

I could always accept not being the prettiest or the smartest

Because I had the best of friends.

A and A they called us.

But, Anna, somehow, I failed you.

And now I've lost the best part of

Me.

Martin Martinez

Last year, me and Vinnie and Jorge

Were on the corner by the 7-Eleven.

We're just standin' there.

We weren't doing nothin'.

Just hangin' around.

When this white car goes by.

It had this blue kinda stripe.

And I thought, one day when I get my car,

I want a stripe like that.

The car drove by again.

I pointed to it.

Jorge said, “No way. That is u—g—ly!”

He started to say something else,

But there was this pop.

Jorge fell.

And the car sped off.

I held Jorge in my arms

As his white shirt turned red.

Jorge looked so scared.

“You're gonna be okay,” I kept screaming.

At Jorge's funeral

His uncle said Jorge wanted to be a lawyer someday.

His mother said he wanted to be a priest someday.

His little sister said he wanted to be real rich someday.

But most of all,

I wanted and

I think he wanted

Just to be alive.

Lynn Helter

Oh my God.

Not this week.

Why did Anna have to kill herself now?

I don't mean to be rude or anything,

But

She certainly didn't have any consideration.

Everyone knows how important this pep assembly is going to be.

Tonight, we face our toughest game.

I have personally pushed to make this assembly great.

Unlike some people,

I take my responsibility to this school seriously.

It may seem easy to get the cheerleaders to go third.

But they're mad that the football team's introductions take up too much time.

And the coach, he just keeps saying,

“After all, Lynn, we wouldn't be having this assembly if it weren't for the team.”

I tried to cut the ROTC's flag raising,

But that didn't fly with the principal.

All this work to make perfect pep.

And the assembly is for everyone.

So there better not be calls to cancel it now.

Because that's not going to happen.

     Life goes on.

   Look up,

       Smile,

And feel the purple pride!

Shannon Delany

How do I feel about Anna?

I don't know.

She's always been in my classes.

First Grade

   Sounding out
S
's through our missing front teeth.

Third Grade

   Practicing perfect cursive
C
's and
B
's.

Fifth Grade

   Being part of the Famous Fraction Finders.

Sixth, Seventh, Eighth, Ninth Grades.

Counting up the details of all the classes we shared,

We learned

   The capital of North Dakota.

   The square root of 144.

   The definition of 1,000 vocabulary words.

But I guess lost in all that information,

No one ever taught Anna how to live,

And for sure,

No one taught me how to feel

About finding out how she died.

Mandy Krantz

Oh my God. I'm late again.

Ms. Mason is going to kill me.

   My alarm didn't go off.

   The power went out.

   The car had a flat.

   My bike was broken.

     Get real … I would ride a bike to school?

Okay. So think. There's gotta be a good excuse.

   A car hit my dog.

     Used it yesterday.

   My cat ran away.

     Already said the cat died last week.

Well, school shouldn't start so early.

Don't these people have a clue how much there is to do at night?

I'm here now … Can't that just be enough?

So … I'm just opening this door.

No excuses needed.

What's with all this silence and the faces?

Did I forget about a test?

Tiffany Gibson

Before Andy's party,

I took a few sips

From a whiskey bottle

In my parents' bar.

It burned my throat.

It made my eyes tear.

I hated it.

But it gave me the courage

To be an impostor.

To walk into Andy's party

Without my knees knocking.

But once I was there,

Once I was right in the middle of the popular kids,

It wasn't enough.

I was afraid

They'd discover I was a geek in disguise.

So I made myself guzzle the first can of beer.

The second just sort of slid right down.

I'm not sure when Andy challenged me

To match him can for can,

Or why I agreed.

I don't even remember taking off my top.

But I've seen the crude cartoons the guys have drawn,

So I must have done it.

One night.

One time to be part of the cool kids.

And now I walk through these school halls,

And I look at no one.

And I die a little each day as I live through it.

Jenna Etkin

So I'm failing geometry.

Doesn't matter.

I'm passing my other classes.

So there's no money for new clothes.

Doesn't matter.

I've got Goodwill.

So they disconnected the phone at our house.

Doesn't matter.

I've got a beeper.

So we've got a few extra people sleeping on the floor.

Doesn't matter.

At least we've got a floor to sleep on.

Hey,

Life only gets you down if you let it.

Ms. Mason, English Teacher

“Death be not proud…”

“Do not go gentle into that good night…”

Fragments of poems I've taught.

Can't finish them—can't think how they go.

Brain too numb to truly believe.

That empty seat in the third row.

Anna will be back.

She must be.

Quiet, sweet …

A face framed by long lush brown hair.

Almond eyes always seemed luminous.

Giving no hint that this unnatural sleep would be her fate.

I've tried to teach through literature

The wonder of life.

Yet the quiet rebuke of that empty chair

Speaks louder than the most vocal of student skeptics.

I cannot take my eyes from the spot.

“There in the sudden blackness, the black pall

Of nothing, nothing, nothing—nothing at all.”

Aaron Sherman

Shimmering and elusive

Stanford stands

atop a surface that few will reach.

Scores swim hysterically in schools of

   APs and SATs.

We gasp for breath in

   revised résumés and

   agonized essays

knowing all the while that

the brutal tide of competition

     and

  the bait of spare time

will force most back to

be more bottom feeders.

I cannot do that.

I will not drown.

Study don't sleep.

Study don't socialize.

Study don't loosen up.

Being number one still might

not be enough,

but it's a start.

Ms. Mason's face frowns as she hears about Anna.

“Don't postpone today's test!” I pray.

Tomorrow's a calculus test.

Tonight's for memorizing math.

PRESSURE.

It peels everything else away.

Randal Mallander

Anna—

   If only you had some idea of how

   Many times I went by your house

   Once walking almost to your door.

   Then, courage canceled, I crept away too

   Unwilling to risk your rejection.

From the first time I saw your big brown eyes,

I thought, “There's a girl I want to know.”

And I hoped that one day

     someday,

The right words would come.

And you would

See me and smile.

Now that will never be.

Still, I cannot quite believe

That those big brown eyes

Are forever closed.

Somehow, I feel almost blinded myself.

And I am forever left to wonder

Whether telling you how truly special

You were

Might have made a difference.

Mike Bradler

Okay, I've got ten bucks from Eric says I won't do it.

Matt says that goes double for him.

And Gary's in for another ten.

That almost pays for Homecoming.

But hey … even without the money … why not?

It's a whole
Staying Alive,
disco, '70s look

That I found in our attic.

White suit, shiny shirt.

Slicked hair.

Like Travolta before the fat.

So this morning I told Stephanie.

Said I thought we could sucker in a few more guys

If she'd dress up too.

“Hey, isn't life all about fun?” I asked.

And that's when she said,

“Grow up, Michael.

I just realized that

I've got the right dress,

But the wrong date!”

Girls.

How can God give 'em such great bodies

And take away their sense of humor

All at the same time?

Karen Covington

Mixed-up Memories

   Of the daddy

     Who introduced me to Winnie-the-Pooh.

     Who sang every verse of kids' silly songs.

     Who whispered the lullabies that lured me to sleep.

Mixed-up Memories

   Of the dad

     Who cheered my summer softball

       Even if I never got a hit.

     Who promised I would always be

       His most perfect princess.

Mixed-up Memories

   Of the father

     Who guaranteed he'd be the proudest of all the parents

       At my college graduation.

     Who vowed he'd walk me down the aisle even if I married at forty.

     Who predicted no one would be a better grandpa.

Mixed-up Memories

   Of a morning last summer

   When I learned

   My hero had taken his own life.

When that was the truth,

Everything I understood of love and safety

Was a lie.

So, Anna, did you know

That when you kill yourself

Those you say you love,

They die too?

Kendra Jones

You don't have to be Someone

To be someone special.

You don't have to live the dream

To believe in the future of dreams.

Sometimes, I seem to forget that.

Bogged down in the stresses and stupidities of my life

I feel

   Insignificant in Jarod's indifference

   Forgotten by Francine's clique

   Betrayed by Brittany's gossip

   Imposed upon by my mother's edicts

   Battered by my teachers' busywork.

But I'm going to try even harder

Not to give in to the negatives.

Today may be a yawning trap of terribleness