After the Death of Anna Gonzales (9781466859524) (5 page)

All my hard work, all my effort tossed in the garbage.

The next week I found the missing piece

But, of course, I no longer had the puzzle.

So why am I thinking about this puzzle today

When I hear about Anna Gonzales's suicide?

I don't know.

Maybe it's one of those metaphor things.

Andrew Stevenson, Security Guard

“Security” it says in big yellow letters

That span the back of my blue staff shirt.

But I've always thought it should say “Insecurity”

Because that's what I create.

I want to make kids feel uneasy

About smoking,

Dealing drugs,

Cutting class, or

Sneaking out of school.

Yeah—I know I don't get them all,

But school statistics say I'm having an effect.

Most of the time, when I catch a kid, they just shrug,

Accepting that they played the game and lost.

But yesterday, at the southernmost exit of the school,

When I confronted a boy trying to skip out after second hour,

He started to shake.

Said he had a “personal problem.”

Said it had to be handled now.

Begged me to just turn the other way

And let him leave.

I told him, “No can do—have your parents excuse you.”

   “But I can't do that!” he shouted.

I told him, “Wait and handle it after school.”

   “I can't do that either!” he choked.

He seemed really desperate,

But the rules are the rules.

So I told him, “Head back to class.”

   “Please…,” he begged.

So I told him, “Go see your counselor.”

His penetrating blue eyes

Stared at me in agony.

Then he turned and walked back into the school.

I did feel sorry for him,

Which was why

I didn't take his name.

I didn't haul him to the dean.

And I did tell him to go to his counselor.

That was the most I could do.

But the announcement about Anna Gonzales just ended,

And suddenly

That yesterday boy's face worries me,

As I wonder

Could I … should I …

Have done something more?

Jamie McSully

No

 

No

 

No

 

No

 

No

 

No

 

Oh God …

Anna Gonzales (the Note)

I will slip away,

Making little fuss.

And being less remembered,

Which is pretty much the way I have always been.

Never pretty or popular enough to matter.

Never outrageous or outstanding enough to get attention.

Sometimes, I have to pinch myself to make certain that I am even real.

Conversations swirl around me.

Invitations to others surround me.

Even Alexis, who has tried to be my best friend,

Is dragged down by my invisibility.

No, I am not pregnant

Not on drugs

Not alcohol

Not influenced by rock or heavy metal or rap

I am just not.

And I am so tired of trying to be.

So I say my good-night to this world

Feeling since it has never embraced me

It will not mind if I have abandoned it.

About the author

Terri Fields was inspired to write this book by her feelings of despair over teenage suicide. She says, “Not only is it the end of a life and of hope for that life, but it also creates ongoing painful ripples in others' lives.”

An award-winning author of sixteen books, Ms. Fields is an educator who has been named Arizona Teacher of the Year, and was selected for the All-USA Teacher Team of the nation's top educators. She lives with her family in Phoenix, Arizona.

   

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is a registered trademark of Henry Holt and Company, LLC.

Copyright © 2002 by Terri Fields

All rights reserved.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Fields, Terri.

After the death of Anna Gonzales / Terri Fields.

p.   cm.

Summary: Poems written in the voices of forty-seven people, including students, teachers, and other school staff, record the aftermath of a high school student's suicide and the preoccupations of teen life.

1. Young adult poetry, American. 2. Teenagers—Suicidal behavior—Poetry. 3. High school students—Poetry. 4. Suicide victims—Poetry. 5. Teenagers—Poetry. [1. Suicide—Poetry. 2. High schools—Poetry. 3. Schools—Poetry. 4. American poetry.] I. Title.

PS3556.I42115 A689 2002   811'.54—dc21   2002024074

ISBN-13: 978-0-8050-7127-6 / ISBN-10: 0-8050-7127-X

First Edition—2002

eISBN 9781466859524

First eBook edition: October 2013

Permission for the use of the following is gratefully acknowledged:

Excerpt from “The End of the World,” From
Collected Poems,
1917–1982, by Archibald MacLeish. Copyright © 1985 by the Estate of Archibald MacLeish. Reprinted by permission of Houghton Mifflin Company.

All rights reserved.

Excerpt from “Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night” by Dylan Thomas, from
The Poems of Dylan Thomas,
published by New Directions. Copyright © 1952 by Dylan Thomas. Reprinted by permission of New Directions Publishing Corp.