Again (36 page)

She hadn’t known how wrong she was until it was too late, until the moment when Brandi ceased her humming and told Eryn with a look so unmistakably filled with hate and jealousy and with a smile that curled with perverse satisfaction, that her death would be on Eryn’s hands.

Eryn’s muscles ached from the strain of reaching for her as Brandi took a step into nothingness.
 
Eryn would have tumbled over the edge herself had Bryce not grabbed her around the waist and held her against him.
 
Guilt road hard on Eryn, knowing Brandi’s death was her fault and that her suicide had been deliberately done to punish Eryn.

Eryn blinked hard, trying to bring her room into focus.
 
She brought very tremulous hands up to her face, wiping away both sweat and tears.

This nightmare had been much like her own life now, she realized.
 
There was a certain darkness that permeated the three of them, tying them together in some kind of karmic cesspool.
 
Eryn hugged a pillow to her chest like a lifeline.
 

If we don’t master lessons in this life, they will carry over to the next lifetime.
 

Eryn was finally beginning to see the pattern in her life; a pattern of emotional torment and guilt, and possession masked as love.

Taking a few deep breaths, she ran her fingers through her hair and kicked the covers from her legs, suddenly determined.
 
Though Bryce was no longer sharing her bed, he was still sharing her life.
 
He was downstairs.
 
Waiting.
 
Hoping she would change her mind.
 
But their relationship was over.
 
Whatever karma she was carrying over, had to be dealt with.

≈

“Hey.”
 
Eryn said.

She stood in the doorway watching Bryce leaning over his drafting table, his practiced hand sketching and measuring the lines that would make up the newest performing arts center.
 
He was throwing himself into the Cohen project with a vengeance.
 
It kept him busy in the hours when he came home, giving him reason to avoid Eryn.
 

Bryce had abandoned his attempts to salvage what was left between them.
 
Eryn hadn’t encouraged him, too torn by her own feelings.
 
His betrayal had forced her to open her eyes to reality.
 
There were so many things she’d chosen to ignore, and now she realized that obligation alone couldn’t possibly hold two people together.
 

Bryce paused at the sound of her voice, his hand poised, his body still.

“Can we talk?”
 
Her voice held no anger, only weariness.
 
Talking was something they hadn’t done for days except for simple courtesies over coffee cups, and now she was breaking the silence with those three little words.
 

She saw the slight dip of his head, the expansion of his chest as he sucked in a big breath, and the momentary hesitation before he turned to face her.

She cringed.
 
She was prepared for indifference.
 
She was prepared for the absolute control he had over his emotions.
 
She wasn’t prepared for the sadness, the regret, and concession.
 
Usually so unreadable, his eyes now hid nothing.

She gestured to the couch tucked in the corner.
 
“Can we sit?”
 
She walked past him, feeling the weight of his stare as he followed her.

He sat next to her, his elbows on his knees and fingers locked together.
 
His eyes were pleading with her, saying what his lips would not.

Unable to return his gaze, she stared at her hands.
 
Her eyes began to sting and her vision blurred.
 
She swallowed hard.
 
“You know I have to leave.”
 

His voice was thick when he finally spoke.
 
“I wish I could take it back, Eryn.
 
You can’t even imagine how I regret what I did.”
 
He shook his head and took a deep, quivering breath.
 
“It was your journal.
 
There was someone else,” he whispered more to himself than to her.

She dropped her face into her hands, fingers pressing along her eyes, moving to massage her temples.
 

“I’d been having dreams, Bryce.
 
It was all that talk about reincarnation.
 
I just needed to write things down, things that I felt, stuff that I saw.
 
It was the only way I could try to make sense of them.
 
I had no one to talk to about it.”
 
She looked at the ceiling and blinked, trying to rid herself of the tears.
 
“Did you know she resented me for everything that I had?”
 
Her voice began to crack and her sniffle betrayed her hurt.
 
“I really don’t think she even liked me.”
 

Eryn shook her head as she went on. “All these years I had no idea.
 
She was going to find a way to hurt me, and she used you to do it.”

“But
I
just wanted to hurt you.”

Eryn twisted her wedding band that still wrapped around her finger.
 
Could there be a shadow from their past that has been covering their relationship all this time?
 

“Well, maybe that’s just it,” she said.
 
Like finding that last puzzle piece, it started to make sense.
 
“Maybe there was something else going on inside you, and Brandi just lit the fuse that set you off.
 
She gave you the excuse you needed.”

“What?”
 
His gaze turned sharply at her.

“Even before this happened, I’ve always felt you’ve been angry, like you wanted to punish me for something.”

“How can you say that?”
 
He reached over and took her hand in his, lacing his fingers with hers.
 
His eyes, gray mist, held hers.
 
“I need you Eryn.
 
Ever since I saw you in high school, I couldn’t stand the thought of anyone else being with you.”

Eryn finally met his gaze.
 
Big, beautiful, confident Bryce, the man who could have any woman he wanted, was finally opening up.
 

His voiced was low.
 
“I’ve never felt you really wanted me, but I wasn’t going to let you go.”

She knew that admission of need was hard for him.
 
Usually so strong, so controlled, he was now admitting his vulnerability.

“I know I can’t ask you to forgive me for what I did,” he said.
 
His expression darkened before looking away.
 
“Hell, I know that if you had sex with another man, I’d probably hold a grudge against you forever.”
 
He sighed deeply.
 
“There has to be a way to fix this.”

She slowly shook her head.
 
The reason she was with Bryce, though she hated to admit it, had more to do with obligation than with love.
 
She cared for him so much, but the passion just wasn’t there.
 

Bryce buried his face in his hands.
 
“Shit.
 
I can’t believe how badly I screwed this up.”

She slid off the couch and kneeled in front of him.
 
“Bryce, I want you to see that it is not just what you did with Brandi.
 
Things have
never
been right for us, and no matter how hard we try, it’s not ever going to work.”
 
She crouched lower, peering into his face.
 
“Maybe Brandi had to happen, to get us to move on with our lives.”
 
She tucked his hair behind his ears.
 
“Come on, Bryce.
 
I haven’t been happy for a long time and you’ve got to admit you haven’t been too happy either.”

He let his hands slide from his face, ready to protest, but she stopped him.

“Something here,” she said, tapping her chest, “has been calling to me, and I’ve ignored it for too long.”

He pressed his lips together hard, but couldn’t stop them from quivering.
 
Dark brows crowded together over his glistening eyes.
 

“This is it then.
 
You’re really leaving me.”

“Oh Bryce,” she said, snaking her arms around his waist.
 
She pressed her cheek to his.
 
“Please know that I love you, but not in the way you need me to.”

He held her tight against him, his body trembling.
 
Defeated tears mingled between them.
 
His short intakes of air rumbled in his chest and quivered with each breath he took.
 

This was harder than she thought it would be, watching and feeling him hurt like this, but she was gaining strength knowing this was the only way.
 
He leaned into her touch as she wiped his cheeks with the backs of her fingers.
 

“Don’t you see, Bryce?
 
When you don’t follow your heart, a part of you dies.
 
When you live for others, when you stop living for yourself, that’s suicide.
 
I can’t do that anymore.”

He nodded, once again dropping his face into his hands.

She stroked his hair back one more time.
 
She wondered what it was going to be like, now that she was breaking this destructive cycle.
 
The bundle of oppressiveness, guilt, worry, frustration, and the endless questions she carried for so many years was already slipping from her open palms.
 

She knew there was something out there for her, waiting until she was ready.

She stood up, determination straightening her back.
 
She was definitely ready.

Chapter 36

“He is asking for you, milady.”
 
Emelie whispered her words to Lady Catherine.
 
“Master Jonathan desires an audience.”
 

How quickly things change, Catherine mused.
 
Only a fortnight ago she would have succumbed to the bliss upon hearing those words.
 
He is asking for you.
  
Now, those words made her sick at heart.
 

Her world, once so solid, had abruptly crumbled to pieces beneath her feet.
 
Nothing was the same anymore.
 
Catherine wondered at the chain of occurrences that has led her to this day.
 
Was there something she could have done to prevent her sister’s death?
 
Perhaps if she were to have been more caring and patient with Sara, her jealousy may never have taken root.
 
If only she had not made Galen wait so long, had she only agreed to marry him sooner…

Catherine focused on the embroidery she held.
 
Since Sara’s death, she had tried to escape into each stitch, meticulously driving her heartache down with each push of the needle.
 
Her fingertips grazed over the needlework she had been laboring over.
 

“When did his ship arrive?”
 
She asked solemnly.

Emelie stepped from behind Catherine and knelt before her.
 

“Three days ago.”

Catherine nodded.
 
“You have seen Cedric?”
 

“Yes, milady.”

A faint light flickered deep in Catherine’s eyes now as she looked up from her needlework.
 
Her voice dipped into a whisper.
 
“And is he well?”

Emelie and Catherine looked at each other, their gazes clinging through the long painful moments that stretched between them.
 
Tears blurred their vision, releasing sorrow in each tear that rolled down their cheeks.

“Yes, milady,” Emelie said quietly.
 
“They are both well.”

Emelie wrapped her arms around herself to still her trembling, her lips pressed tightly together.
 
Moments passed for a time before Emelie spoke again.

“Master Jonathan wishes to give you his condolences himself, milady.”
 
Tears shimmered in her eyes.
 
“I saw sadness in his eyes when I told him of Lady Sara’s death.
 
He could not understand what would drive her to such madness.
 
He is concerned for your well being.”

They both turned sharply when the door opened.
 
Lord Roberts stepped into the bedchamber, his movements slow and heavy.
 

“Might I have a word with you, Catherine?”

Emelie dipped a curtsey to Lord Roberts and Catherine before slipping out of the room, closing the door behind her.