Again (15 page)

“So
what are you going to do after graduation?” I asked.

“You
sound like my parents.” He smiled, and shook his head.

I
guess I kind of did. At least I sounded like an adult which, compared to him, I
was.
Crap, I’d actually forgotten all about that.

“Sorry,
I was trying to make conversation,” I mumbled. Ugh, this was the part of dating
I hated. Maybe it was why I’d stayed with David for as long as I had, so I
didn’t have to dance this awkward dance.

“No,
it’s fine,” he said, waving my apology away, “I’m not sure yet. I just know I’m
getting the hell out of Kingston.”

“You
don’t like it here?” I asked. It was something I’d sensed, an uncomfortableness
he covered up with a smile, with a laugh, with his RA polo.

He
didn’t turn to me, but there was something coming off of him, a chill colder
than the wind outside. “No,” he said, “I haven’t for a while.”

“How
come you didn’t transfer, then?”

I’d
given in to defeat my real freshman year and, from the small piece Carter had
given me of his past, he hadn’t. I wanted to know why. Not from Alex and Steph,
but from him. I wanted to know what happened. I wondered what it was like to
stare something down day after day instead of hide from it, like the laughing
freshman girls.

Like
I guess I was finally trying to do with Carter and my red sweater.

“I
finish what I start,” he said, watching the road, “that’s the only thing my
father taught me that I follow. Otherwise you keep running from things.”

I
nodded, words not coming. My mother had asked for something similar from me,
but instead of scaring it into me like Carter’s father had, or even asking me
why I always seemed to give up, she just called me a quitter my whole life.

Eventually,
that was what I became. It’s a lot easier to achieve someone’s lowered
expectations of you, especially when it doesn’t require sacrificing anything of
yourself.

“I
gave up on my first freshman year,” I said, giving him a glimmer of my truth.
It was terrifying and at the same time freeing, the way reality is. It was how
I felt being with Carter. There was very little I could do to hide who I was—he
got right to the center of me.

“What
do you mean, first?” he asked.

“Oh,”
I replied, my stomach sinking. I’d wanted to tell him something, but I had said
too much. I paused, thinking quickly, “I mean how I left my last school.”

“Why
did you leave?”

“Your
past doesn’t make you who you are, it’s your future,” I said. I had been trying
so hard to believe it. Words were power. Maybe I could make it true.

“Way
to dodge my question, Confucius,” he said. One corner of his mouth was pulled
into a slight smile, but his eyes were on the road.

I
took a breath, sweat bloomed on my skin. “Okay, I left for the same reason I’m
not out with Steph and Alex,” I admitted.

“Then
it’s good you’re here with me now,” he said, hitting me with his gaze.

My
breath caught, conscious only of the intensity in his eyes. It was like they
were saying
it’s good I’m here with you now, too.

We
pulled in at a squat little house painted light blue, a wood sign posted above
the front door read
SPCA of Greater
Kingston
.

“This
is your surprise?” I asked, unable to hide the confusion in my voice.

“Guess
I shouldn’t have made such a big deal out of it. There’s just no one else who
can get out in this weather,” he said as explanation. He shut off the car. We
sat there, the engine ticking, the snow coming down.

“They
need me,” he said, his eyes soft.

I
nodded and took off my seatbelt. Old Kate would have probably told Carter to
hurry the hell up because she was hungry, but I liked being with someone who
actually wanted to be needed.

I
liked being the person he wanted to be with.

Carter

I
unlocked the front door and let Kate in. The dogs barked from their pens in the
back, the cats mewled from their cages. I flicked on the light and dropped my
keys on the vacant reception desk. I went back to the door to lock it, probably
not necessary, but it was habit.

Not
like anyone was going to barge in, especially not on a night like tonight, and
it wasn’t like people stole animals from the SPCA on a normal night. That would
be a good problem.

“What
do we need to do?” Kate asked, hanging her coat on the rack.

I loved
her chosen question, not
why are we here,
or
how long is this going
to take,
but
what do we need to do
?

She
wasn’t like other girls. Girls who acted like life, like everyone, owed them
something. Kate was the opposite. She acted like she was the one who was always
trying to pay something back.

Kind
of like me.

“Feed
them, clean a little bit,” I said, walking toward the cat cages, “it shouldn’t
take long.”

She pushed
her nose up to a white longhair kitten, his fur as soft as the snow outside.
She touched the cage tenderly, the tips of her fingers lingered there, her
braid filled with snowflakes like tiny ice diamonds.

“Are
we allowed to cuddle them too?” she turned to me, her brown eyes wide in
anticipation.

“Cuddling
is mandatory.” I came up behind her to pull the little guy out and put him into
her waiting hands.

“He’s
so small,” she said, her voice almost a whisper. She brought him in to her,
nuzzled the top of his head with her chin.

I
heard him start to purr. I couldn’t help but remember the thrum inside me when
I touched her there,
saw
her there. If I had the ability I probably
would have purred too.

“They
get dropped off here at all ages, even this little.”

“Even
that big,” she said, her face falling as she noticed an elderly calico down the
row.

“Yeah,”
I sighed, “with animals, need doesn’t have an ending.”

“Just
like people,” she said, looking away.

I
was glad she did. I wouldn’t have been able to hide my compassion. I wasn’t
sure how she seemed to always know what I was thinking. My only guess was that she
was thinking the same thing.

She put
her lips to the kitten’s soft white fur. “How long have you been doing this?”

“Since
my freshman year. I started volunteering when I was in my frat.” I stopped. I
cleared my throat and recalibrated. “It’s been three years now.”

I
rubbed the kitten under his chin.

 “Wow,”
she said, “and they don’t pay you?” Maybe she’d seen something in my eyes
because, thankfully, her follow up question had nothing to do with my frat.
Maybe she truly did always know what I was thinking.

“They
don’t have the money and I really don’t need it anyway.”

I
watched her delicate hands move through the kitten’s fur, the motion almost
hypnotic.

“I’m
not bragging, it’s just how it is,” I added, quickly.

“You
don’t seem like the kind of guy who brags,” she said, handing the kitten back
to me.

“I
could start,” I said, stifling a grin, “if you like that kind of thing.”

She
glanced from my chest to the area below my waist, focused right on my dick. “I
can offer a suggested topic, if you need one.” Her eyebrow cocked up.

She
knew what I had under the jeans I wore. She’d felt it and she was clearly
reminding me it was something most guys
would
brag about. I swallowed, the
kitten in my hands squirming as much as it seemed like my heart had started to.

I
made myself breathe. I turned from her and put him back in his cage. “We’ll do
the cats first,” I said, changing the subject because if I didn’t, I would
probably have taken her right there on the floor, “then the dogs.”

I headed
to the supply closet for a bag of food and a litter box scoop. I held them up
and showed them to Kate. “I’m not even going to ask,” I laughed, handing her
the food.

“What
a gentleman not making me clean poop on our first date.” The bag dangled from
her fingers.

“Hey,
don’t forget we’re still going to dinner,” I said, slipping on some yellow
dishwashing gloves for litter box duty.

“Awesome,”
she said, her lips twisting, “I guess all this poop is an appetizer.”

I
laughed—a real one—pure emotion. I wanted more. I wanted
her
. I showed
off the bright yellow gloves, wiggled my fingers like tiny bananas. “I guess
these are probably not going to increase my chances of getting another kiss,” I
said, finally developing the courage to dive into the pool that was only us.

“Are
you kidding? I love a man in uniform.” She winked as she walked to feed the cat
in the first cage.

Damn,
if I hadn’t been thinking
enough about being with her before this, it was everything now.

We
worked for half an hour and talked about the pets we’d had when we were kids. I
told her about my American Kennel Club bred terrier, Scotty, and Kate told me
about her rabbit, Mittens.

“We
lived in the city,” she said as explanation.

“We
were rich assholes,” I replied as my own.

When
we were finished with the cats, I took her back to the dog pens. “These guys
are my favorite,” I said, flicking on the light.

They
barked and wagged their tails. The kind of
OMG you’re here
,
you’re
here
welcome only a dog can give.

“I
hope we can keep the same arrangement as before,” she said.

“Absolutely,”
I took a full breath, preparing to dive a little deeper, “I’m hoping for a
second date.”

Her
face was shiny. “What will we do on that one, change bedpans at the hospital?”

“I
don’t take people there till the third date,” I said, passing her a bag of dog
food.

“Something
to look forward to,” she said, laughing as she walked down the length of the
cages. Her red sweater was like a beacon, a light; instead of saying
stop
it said
go
. But we had time. We had a whole night ahead of us. Our first
kiss had felt perfect, but the situation hadn’t been. Our second kiss had to
be.

Perfection
was not poop-covered dishwashing gloves.

We
worked silently this time, her with a bag of dog food and a scoop, me with a
mop and bucket. It was as familiar as the talking. Unlike uncomfortable
silence, ours was like a string pulling us closer, a frequency only we could
hear.

When
we were finished I flicked my gloves into the utility sink and washed my hands.
“Okay, you’ve earned your dinner,” I said above the running water.

“I
don’t even want to know what I’d have to do to get dessert too,” she laughed.

She
washed her hands when I was done and we headed out into the snow. It was still
coming down like mad. I let Kate in the Jeep first and ran around to the other
side to start the car so it would be warm for her while I cleaned it off.

“I’d
like to come back here,” she said as I settled into the driver’s seat.

“Anytime.”
I put the key in the ignition and turned it, hearing only silence, only the
sound of snow falling, which was quieter than silence.

“What’s
wrong?” she asked.

“I
don’t know,” I said evenly, trying to hide the frustration rising, “maybe the
battery.”

We’d
been getting along so well and then fate had to come along and fuck it up.
Maybe fate didn’t think I deserved for us to be getting along so well.

“Should
we call Triple A?” she asked.

I
nodded, even though I’d lived here long enough to know that in this weather
they probably weren’t coming.

“Guess
you’re getting your wish a little sooner than you planned on,” I said as we got
out of the car and walked back toward the SPCA.

Or
maybe I was really getting mine.

Kate

I sat
on the tiny cot in the back office. Carter had gone to the break room to find us
something to eat.

After
a call to Triple A with the answer of,
we’ll do our best
, the
realization hit that we probably weren’t going anywhere, at least until
morning.

We
were stuck, together—all night long.

A
red sweater had probably not been the best idea in such close quarters, but how
could I have known we’d be spending the night together? A date was one thing.
Even the kiss he’d been hinting at was manageable; a room, alone, for a night
was something else entirely.

I’d
tried to be like one of the laughing girls. Be able to let life barrel at me,
but I wasn’t sure I was ready for what sharing a bed with Carter might change that
into.

Yes,
I’d wanted to sleep with him, practically begged for it, but I had been drunk.

I
took off my boots and sat cross-legged. Carter was the kind of guy who probably
would sleep on the floor, but I wasn’t sure I wanted him to.

Clearly,
I wasn’t sure about anything anymore. I shouldn’t have even been here with him,
but I was. It was epically confusing that I was relieved when his Jeep didn’t
start. I decided to attribute it to the fact I wouldn’t have to face what might
be my first dinner ever with a guy sans alcohol, rather than wanting him to
share this bed with me.

It
was crazy. He was so much younger than me, not that he knew it. But he seemed wiser
than most people in my life. He seemed like he could teach me things if I let
him. If I became the Kate he believed I was.

“All
they have is water and graham crackers,” Carter said, his tall frame ducking
into the doorway. He handed me a water bottle and the box.

“Yum,”
I said, full of sarcasm, but I was starving, so I reached for a cracker. It was
stale.

He
sat on the linoleum floor next to the bed. He was claiming his safe distance
already.

“You
can sit up here,” I said, smacking the mattress.

“Are
you sure?”

I guess I was.
“Yeah, the
floor is disgusting,” I said as explanation. I didn’t need to tell him the real
reason. And truthfully, I couldn’t think about it.

We
both had to do our best to shut our minds off. In my case, I didn’t have much
luck without at least a bottle of wine first.

He
sat next to me, the bed squeaking under his weight. “Sorry about this,” he
said, breathing out, clearly exasperated. “I’m sure it was definitely not what
you had in mind when you agreed to go out with me.”

“Honestly,”
I said, reaching for another graham cracker, “I’ve been on worse dates. They
may serve better food, but yeah.”  His hands were lying on his thighs. I’d
never been with someone who seemed to care so much about making me comfortable,
letting me know we could go at any pace I wanted.

“I
haven’t been on a date in three years,” he said, swallowing his breath which seemingly
solidified in his throat. He sat back against the wall. “So this is definitely
my best one in a while…” His voice lowered an octave. “…my only one in a
while.”

“Are
you serious?”

He
shrugged.

I
leaned toward him, checking him out more closely. He was so handsome—his blue,
blue eyes, his wide shoulders and tight abs, his shaggy blond hair. I couldn’t
imagine it had been because he’d been rejected. It could only have been because
he hadn’t asked.

I
decided not to inquire further. He’d done me the courtesy of not asking about a
lot of things. He would tell me if he wanted to, when he was ready.

“You’re
lucky number one,” he said.

“Is
it crazy I feel that way?” I responded, indicating the shabby room around us.

“Is
it crazy I’m happy you do?” He moved his hand to my face slowly. His finger
grazed my chin, my cheek. His warm breath was on my lips. The air between us
crackled.