Again the Magic (32 page)

Gideon shook his head decisively. “I don’t trust myself to do that anymore. It’s becoming impossible to withdraw at the moment that I most want to stay inside you. Here… help me put it on. You should try everything at least once, I always say.”

Bashfully Livia followed his murmured instructions and unrolled it along the taut length of his erection, adjusting it to form a shallow pocket at the head. “It seems rather tight,” she said.

“It’s supposed to fit this way, or it will slide off.”

Letting go of him, she lay back on the mattress. “Now what?”

“Now,” he said, his body covering hers, “I’m going to make love to you the way I’ve imagined doing for five nights.”

Livia’s eyes half-closed as his head lowered to her breasts, his tongue swirling in intricate patterns over her skin. He took her nipple into his mouth and worried it gently with his teeth and licked until it was engorged and darkened. Then he moved to her other breast, treating it in a similar fashion until she was moaning and writhing beneath him. He made love to her with tender skill, attentive to every twitch and shiver of response. Pausing briefly, Gideon reached for something at the bedside. She heard him fumble with the lid of a jar, and then his hand slid between her thighs to distribute a satiny film of cream. His gentle fingertip slid through the soft folds, then circled the entrance of her body.

“Gideon,” she said in agitation, “I’m ready now.”

He smiled as he continued to play idly with her. “You’re too impatient.”

“I’m impatient because I’m
ready
… oh, why do you always have to take so much time?”

“Because I love to torment you.” He bent to kiss her throat, while his fingertips combed through the wet thatch of curls. Willing herself to endure the teasing exploration, Livia reached upward to the spindles of the headboard and gripped the hard, slender cylinders of wood. Gideon knelt between her thighs and applied more of the slippery unguent, his fingers reaching deep inside her.

Livia was finally reduced to begging. “Gideon, please do it now,
please
…”

Her words were cut off as he entered her carefully, filling her until she groaned in relief. “Is it all right?” Gideon asked, bracing his forearms on either side of his head. “It’s not uncomfortable, is it?”

Livia pushed up at him for answer, her body teeming with pleasure. Smiling down at her passion-taut features, Gideon rested his thumb lightly on the sensitive bud of her sex, and stroked her as he began to move in deep, rocking thrusts, and she was lost in a tide of bliss…

“Livia,” he said a long time later, cuddling her against his chest while he played with the fine locks of her hair. “What if I decide not to return to New York?”

Her mind went blank. Wondering if he had just said what she thought he had said, she got up from bed and lit a lamp. Gideon remained on his side, the sheet draped loosely over his hips.

Returning to bed, Livia rolled to face him and pulled the sheet up beneath her arms. “You’re thinking of staying in London?” she asked. “For how long?”

“At least a year. I would run the London office and develop business for us on the continental market. I would be as useful here as I would be in New York, if not more so.”

“But your entire family is in New York.”

“Another good reason to stay here,” Gideon said dryly. “It has become clear that a period of separation will be to their benefit as well as mine. I’m tired of acting as the family patriarch — they can damned well learn to muddle through things on their own.”

“What about the foundries, and your business properties—”

“I’m giving McKenna the authority to make any and all decisions in my absence. He’s proven that he’s ready for the responsibility — and I trust him more than I do my own brothers.”

“I thought you didn’t like London.”

“I love it.”

Amused by his change of tune, when she had heard him say just the opposite last week, Livia had to bite back a smile. “Why have you fallen in love with London so suddenly?”

Gideon reached out to stroke her hair, tucking a silken wisp neatly behind her ear. His eyes stared into her, the lamplight striking golden glints amid the depths of lambent blue. “Because it’s close to you.”

Livia closed her eyes, while the words riddled her with uncertainty and unwanted hope. The force of her longing seemed to fill the entire room. “Gideon,” she said, “we’ve already discussed—”

“I’m not asking to see you, or court you,” he said swiftly. “In fact, I insist on
not
seeing you for at least six months, until I can figure out if I’m able to stop drinking for good. It’s not a pleasant process, I’ve heard… for a while I’m hardly going to be fit company. So for that and other reasons, it would be better for us to stay apart.”

Livia was dumbstruck by the realization of what he was trying to do, the magnitude of effort it would require. “What do you want from me?” she managed to ask.

“To wait for me.”

More self-imposed isolation, Livia thought, and shook her head reluctantly. “I can’t remain secluded in Hampshire any longer, or I’ll go raving mad. I need to take part in society, and talk and laugh and go places—”

“Of course. I don’t want you to stay buried in Stony Cross. But don’t let other men… that is, don’t promise to marry anyone, or fall in love with some damned viscount…” Gideon scowled at the thought. “Just stay unmarried for six months. That’s not too much to ask, is it?”

She considered the request with a thoughtful frown. “No, of course not. But if you are doing this for me…”

“I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t partly for you,” he said frankly. “However, it’s for me as well. I’m weary of staggering through life in a fog.”

Livia ran her palm along the strong line of his forearm. “It’s possible that when you emerge from the fog, you won’t want me anymore,” she said. “Your perceptions may be different… your needs may change…”

He caught her hand in his, interlacing their fingers. “I’ll never stop needing you.”

She stared down at their joined hands. “When are you planning to start?”

“You’re referring to the fiendish condition of sobriety? I’m sorry to say that I’ve already started. I haven’t had a drink in twelve hours. By tomorrow morning I’m going to be a stinking, shivering, foul-tempered mess, and by the next day I’ll probably have murdered someone.” He grinned. “So it’s a good thing that I’m leaving Stony Cross.”

Undeceived by his flippant manner, Livia snuggled against his chest and pressed her lips to his heart. “I wish I could help you,” she said softly, rubbing her cheek against the dark golden fur. “I wish I could suffer through some of it for you.”

“Livia…” His voice thickened with emotion, and his hand passed gently over her hair. “No one can help me with this. It’s my cross to bear — one I’ve fashioned entirely by myself. And that is why I don’t want you to be any part of this. But there is one thing you could do to make it a bit easier… something to get me through the worst moments…”

She drew back to look up at him. “What is it?”

Gideon paused, and let out a taut sigh. “I know that you’re not going to admit that you love me — and I understand why. But in light of the fact that I’m facing six months of hell, can’t you give me just a little something?”

“Such as?”

He looked at her speculatively. “A blink.”

“A what?” she asked in confusion.

“If you love me… just blink at me. One time. A
meaningful
blink. You don’t have to say the words, just…” His voice trailed away as their gazes locked, and he stared at her with the ardent determination of a lost soul who had caught sight of his home far off on the horizon. “Just blink at me,” he whispered. “Please, Livia…”

She would not have believed it was possible to love this way again. Perhaps some people would consider it a disloyalty to Amberley, but Livia did not. Amberley had wanted her to be happy, to have a full life. She even thought that he might have approved of Gideon Shaw, who was struggling so hard to overcome his flaws… a warm, human, approachable man.

Gideon was still waiting. Livia held his gaze and smiled. Very deliberately, she closed her eyes and opened them again, and looked at him through the warm, blurry brightness of hope.

Aline was exhausted after a sleepless night, and filled with cold dread as she went to the stables, where she had promised to meet McKenna. She had rehearsed a list of objections over and over, arguments and counter-arguments… although when she practiced the words, she sounded unconvincing even to herself.

The household was slumbering except for the indoor servants who were busy with coal and ewers of hot water, and those who worked in the stables and gardens. Aline passed a footboy who had been assigned the task of pushing the mower machine back and forth across the velvety green lawn, while another lad followed to collect the cut grass with a rake and a small tip cart. In the stables, grooms were busy cleaning the stable gutters, distributing hay, and mucking out the stalls. The familiar scents of hay and horses saturated the air with a pleasantly earthy smell.

McKenna was already there, waiting near the tack room. Aline was tempted to run to him, equally as much as she wanted to flee in the opposite direction. McKenna smiled faintly, but Aline sensed that he was fully as nervous as she. They were both aware that this was one of the rare occasions when a single conversation might alter the entire course of one’s future.

“Good morning,” Aline managed to say.

McKenna looked at her in a way that suspended them both in silent tension. He offered an arm to her. “Let’s go to the river.”

Aline knew at once where he would take her… the spot that had always been theirs alone. The perfect place to say goodbye, she thought bleakly, taking his arm. They walked in silence, while the lavender tones of early dawn turned pale yellow, and long, light shadows crossed the lawn. Aline’s knee joints felt stiff, as they always did in the morning before her scars were stretched by mild activity. She concentrated on walking smoothly, while McKenna matched his pace to her slower one.

They finally reached the clearing near the water, where a pied wagtail circled the glittering reeds several times before suddenly dropping in to roost. Aline sat on a large, flat rock and arranged her skirts carefully, while McKenna went to stand a few feet away from her. He bent to pick up a few small stones. One by one, he sent them skimming across the water with deft flicks of his wrist. She watched him, drinking in the sight of his tall form, the strong lines of his profile, the easy grace of his movements. When he turned to glance at her over his shoulder, his turquoise eyes were so vivid in his bronzed face that the color seemed almost unnatural.

“You know what I’m going to ask,” he said quietly.

“Yes,” Aline replied in mounting anxiety, “but before you say anything, I must tell you that I will never—”

“Hear me out,” he murmured, “and then you can answer. There are things that I want to say to you. Difficult as this is, I’m going to talk to you honestly, or I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.”

Black misery swamped her. Honesty — the one thing she couldn’t give him in return. “I’m going to refuse you, no matter what you say.” Her breath felt caustic in her throat, as if she had swallowed acid. “Please spare us both the unnecessary discomfort—”

“I’m not going to spare either of us,” he said gruffly. “It’s now or never, Aline. After I leave tomorrow, I’m not coming back.”

“To England?”

“To you.” McKenna found a rock near hers and sat on the edge of it, leaning forward to brace his forearms on his thighs. His dark head lowered for a moment, the sunlight moving over his black hair in a bright gleam. He looked up with a penetrating gaze. “It was the curse of my life to be sent to this estate. From the moment I first saw you, I felt the connection between us — a connection that should never have existed, and never should have lasted. I tried to admire you from a distance… just as I saw the stars in the sky and knew I could never touch them. But we were too young, and I was with you too often, to preserve that distance. You were my friend, my companion… and later I came to love you as deeply as any man has ever loved a woman. That never changed for me, although I’ve lied to myself for years.” He paused and took a long breath. “No matter how I want to deny it, I will always love you. And no matter how I wish I could be something other than what I am, I’m a commoner, and a bastard, and you’re a daughter of the peerage.”

“McKenna,” she began miserably, “please don’t—”

“My entire purpose in coming back to Stony Cross was to find you. That was fairly obvious, I think, as there was no practical reason to avail ourselves of your brother’s hospitality. For that matter, there was no need for me to come to England at all, as Shaw could have managed well enough on his own while I remained in New York. But I needed to prove that what I felt for you wasn’t real. I had convinced myself that I had never loved you… rather, it was that you represented all the things I could never have. I thought that an affair with you would dispel those illusions, and you would turn out to be like every other woman.” He fell silent for a moment, while the jangling song of a reed warbler pierced the air. “Then I planned to return to New York and take a wife. A man of my position, even without a name and family, can marry well there. Finding a willing bride is easy enough. But now after finding you again, I’ve finally realized that you were never an illusion. Loving you has been the most real thing in my life.”

“Don’t,” Aline whispered, her eyes stinging.

“I am asking you, with all the humility I possess, if you will marry me, and come to America. Once Westcliff takes a wife, he’ll no longer need you as a hostess. You’ll have no real place at Stony Cross Park. But as my wife, you would be the queen of New York society. I have a fortune, Aline, with the prospect of tripling it in the next few years. If you come with me, I’ll do everything in my power to make you happy.” His voice was so quiet, so careful, the voice of a man who was taking the most dangerous gamble of his life. “Obviously it would be a sacrifice for you to leave your family and friends, and the place where you’ve lived since you were born. But you could come back to visit — the crossing only takes twelve days. You could begin a whole new life with me. Name your price, Aline — it’s yours for the asking.”