Agent of the Crown (52 page)

Grandmama shook her head. “Let me tell you
something my father once told me. You’re not made to be alone,
Telaine. Yes, you’re right, the men you know are all wrong for you,
but I don’t want to see you isolate yourself. Time will pass, and
things will be different.”

Telaine laughed. “Thank you for caring, but
for now I’m happy being on my own. I think it’s going to be many a
year before I find someone—but I hope you’re right.”

“I’m always right, dear. Just ask your
uncle.” Grandmama patted her hand. “Now, I think Julia was looking
for you. You might try the east wing.”

Telaine searched for more than half an hour
without seeing a trace of Julia. For all Jessamy had said it was
urgent, it seemed her cousin had disappeared as thoroughly as she
must have believed Telaine had. Finally, one of the servants
recalled Julia going into a little-used parlor at the far end of
the east wing, close to Telaine’s rooms but not to much of anything
else. Telaine stopped to wash her hands and face and strode down
the hall, wondering what Julia could possibly want her for
there.

She opened the door with too much force—she
remembered incorrectly that it stuck—and saw Julia dressed in
morning attire, a cup of tea in her hand, her mouth open as if to
say something to her guest.

Her guest, perched on the chair across from
her, was Ben Garrett.

Her hand on the
door knob was the only thing that kept Telaine from falling to the
floor. Spots pulsed in front of her eyes, as if she’d been staring
at one of her light globes for too long and then blinked. She
closed her hand harder on the door knob and willed herself not to
faint, or have hysterics, or do anything else stupid.

Julia gasped. “Oh, Telaine, what have
you—didn’t anyone tell you we have
company
?” She put an
emphasis on the last word that, if it were a physical gesture,
would have been a sharp elbow to the ribs. Telaine was glad of an
excuse to look at her cousin instead of the other occupant of the
room.

“No, I heard it from Jessamy,” she said, her
voice sounding surprisingly normal.
You’d think I’d have some
sort of shrieking fit. Or become mute.
“He just said you were
looking for me.”

Julia scowled. “Trust Jess to miss the most
important part,” she said. “Really, where have you been? Mister
Garrett and I have been chatting for nearly an hour.”

“Sorry,” Telaine said. “It’s a secret. Can’t
even tell you.”

Julia looked pleased with herself. Well,
she’d probably brought Ben to this overstuffed, bleak parlor as
retaliation for how poorly he’d treated Telaine, as she saw it.
Telaine couldn’t look at Ben, so she couldn’t tell if he’d been
intimidated or overwhelmed or whatever it was Julia had had in
mind. But Julia didn’t have that curling grin she got whenever
she’d gotten paybacks on someone she thought deserved it.
Oh,
for us both to have the inherent magic of shared thoughts right
now
.

“Sit down, Lainie. Have some tea. You look as
if you could use it—oh, it’s cold, well, you did take an awfully
long time.” Julia patted the sofa next to herself, and Telaine sat.
She could see Ben only out of the corner of her eye; she could not
force herself to turn her head. Julia smiled brightly at her, then,
terrifyingly, said:

“Well, I’m sure you both have lots to talk
about, mutual acquaintances, et cetera, so I’ll leave you to it,
shall I?”

She stood to go, and Telaine swiveled on the
sofa. “Don’t feel you have to leave.”
Don’t leave me alone with
him.

Julia gave her another bright smile, but her
eyes were fierce, the equivalent of hands shoving Telaine back onto
the sofa. “I do have other things to take care of, Telaine,” she
said. “Mister Garrett, it was a pleasure, and thank you again for
saving my brother’s life.” Ben said something inarticulate. The
door closed. Telaine finally had to look at him.

Aside from being thinner, he looked the same
as always. He sat perched on the edge of the couch as if he were a
bird prepared to take flight, which, judging by the tense lines
next to his eyes, might be the case. He said nothing, just looked
at her with that direct, calm gaze she knew might conceal any
emotion.

She stood up and walked to the hearth, and
looked down at the fireplace. There hadn’t been a fire lit in here
for…hah, sixteen years. When they’d brought her here just before
her father died. What a memory to have right now. “How’s your leg?”
she asked, unable to think of anything else to say.

“Better. Still hurts some. But at least I
still have it.” His voice hadn’t changed at all either, still that
musical tenor. It made her shiver with memory. She was glad she
wasn’t facing him. Who knew what her face might give away? But what
was he
doing
here? He certainly didn’t seem happy to see
her. How polite did she have to be before she could escape?

“Jeffy said you saved his life.”

“He saved mine, so I think we’re even.”

More silence. He’d always been good at making
her work to get a reaction. “I heard about Liam and Trey. How’s
Eleanor? And Blythe?”

“Eleanor’s recovering from the shock. Still
shaky and frail, if you can imagine it.” He paused, then added,
“Blythe lost her baby a week after Trey was killed.”

Again she was grateful her back was turned so
he wouldn’t see her cry. He wouldn’t think she was entitled to weep
for Longbourne’s dead, had told her as much back in the town
square. She dragged her sleeve across her eyes before remembering
how dirty it was; her face had to be streaked with filth now. She
knew there were bits of wax in her hair because they’d never got
all the pieces swept up, and she remembered too late that one of
her trouser legs had a tear and a bloodstain in it from where she’d
knelt on a nail head two days before. “I’m sorry,” she said, not
sure if she was apologizing for her appearance or trying
inadequately to express her pain at her friends’ grief.

“They’ve had the whole town behind them,” he
said. Was that a rebuke somehow, a warning that
her
support
was unnecessary and unwanted? Why was he even here?

“I’m glad,” was all she said.

They both fell silent again. The silence bore
down on her like a blanket woven of iron and copper wire. What did
he want from her? Her embarrassment turned into anger. How much
pain was he entitled to inflict on her before it equaled whatever
pain she’d caused him?

She thought back on all the long weeks since
she’d thrown everything away in Longbourne’s town square, how she’d
carried that agony with her in her night ride to raise the garrison
and all the long way back to Aurilien. How she’d carried it
clutched to her heart like a tumor all through the weariness of
preparing for trial and through discovering what was left of her
life with the Princess excised from it. It was more than
enough.

“I can’t bear to be in this room another
minute,” she said, and flung herself away from the mantel toward
the door. She looked back at him and saw, for a moment, surprise
and fear. It was enough to make her pause. “If you have anything to
say, come with me. I just can’t hear it in this room.”

She opened the door and strode down the hall,
then slowed to match her pace to his limping one.
You could run
away; he’d never catch you on that leg
. It was too late. They
walked side by side, neither looking at the other. It might have
been a gallows march.

She went to her rooms like a badger goes to
ground, seeking its own safe shelter. Ben looked around with
surprise and pleasure. “I like this room,” he said. “It’s not as
uncomfortable.”

“Two weeks ago it was worse than the other.
I’ve made a lot of changes.”

“Is this your room, then?”

“One of them.” Her shoulder blades itched and
the back of her neck was sticky. She decided that, Ben in her
sitting room or no, she had to change her shirt. “Sit down. You
probably shouldn’t strain your leg. I have to change.”

She went through her bedroom and into her
dressing room, closing both doors behind her as if that might keep
him from following her. Not that she expected him to.

She stripped off her shirt and her
sweat-sodden brassiere, went to the washroom to wash her face and
wipe sweat off her neck and from under her breasts, and changed
into clean underwear and a new shirt. She brushed the wax bits
fiercely out of her hair and braided it up again, then looked at
herself in the mirror, holding the brush as if it were a weapon.
Whatever he intended to bring to bear on her, she was armored
against it.

Ben looked up when she came back in. Again,
she saw a moment’s fear that turned instantly to surprise and then,
oddly, relief. “I thought you might be putting on a dress. Like
your cousin.”

“I’m going back to work later. No point
getting dressed up.”
Certainly not for you.

“You work?”

He sounded so surprised it irritated her.
“Yes, Ben, I work. I’m a Deviser. We build things.”

Her sarcasm cracked his calm demeanor, though
not by much. “That’s not…I thought…”

“What did you think?”

He shrugged and turned away. “Doesn’t matter,
I guess.”

Anger rose up inside her again. He came all
this way, intruded on her home, and for what? Why couldn’t he for
once say what was on his mind? She sat on a chair opposite him and
massaged her temples against the headache that was trying to build
there. “You didn’t come all this way just to chat about people who
hate me. Why are you here?”

He looked startled. “Nobody hates you.”

“Don’t they? You all sure gave a good
impression of feeling otherwise. Or have you forgotten?” To her
horror, tears pricked her eyes. “Ben,
why are you here?
Is
your anger and pain so great it can only be eased by telling me,
once again, how awful I am? I am
sorry
for what I did. It
was selfish and short-sighted and I knew the whole time I had no
right to lead you on when you couldn’t know who I was. I just—”

She took a deep, shuddering breath. “No. I’m
not going to make excuses. I was wrong, that’s all, and I
don’t—”

“No. Stop. Lainie, no.” Ben took both her
hands in his and clasped them tightly. “Lainie, I came here to ask
you to forgive me. Please.”

Caught mid-word, Telaine gaped at him.
“Forgive
you
?”

“I’m so sorry I said those things to you.
That I didn’t trust you enough to at least listen to you. I don’t
like feeling like a fool, and that day…I was angry with myself, and
I turned that anger on you. I should never have done that. Not to
you. Please, forgive me.”

She had to concentrate on breathing, because
the spots in front of her eyes were trying to claim her again. “I’m
the one who needs forgiveness.”

“For what? For being an agent of the Crown,
forced to live a lie that turned out to be truth? Lainie, you gave
me a false name. You never gave me a false heart.”

A tear slid down her cheek. She couldn’t wipe
it away because Ben was still holding her hands and she didn’t want
him to let go. “I wanted to tell you,” she said. “Truly I did.”

“Can’t imagine how hard it was to keep that
secret.” He kissed her knuckles, sending a thrill through her.
“Lainie, I love you. I never stopped. Can you find it in you to
love me again?”

She smiled through her tears. “I recall
someone telling me love’s not something you turn on and off like a
tap.”

He smiled back, that wide, brilliant smile
that made her heart turn over in her chest. “I was hoping that was
true,” he whispered, and kissed her.

She leaned into his kiss, not caring that she
was crying in earnest now, tears of relief and happiness. He let go
of her hands and pulled her onto his lap so she could hold him
close. He still smelled of the forge, a wonderful, familiar smell,
and she drew him closer and tried to wipe away her tears without
breaking that beautiful, heart-pounding connection. Ben kissed her
damp cheek, then her lips again, and she tasted her own tears and
laughed. “What’s so funny?” Ben asked.

“Nothing. I’m just happy. I missed you so
much.”

“Sorry it took so long. I was flat on my back
for most of six weeks, healing.”

“Jeffy told us you’d been wounded. It sounded
bad.”

“Happen it would’ve been worse without Major
Anselm’s healer. Got a nice scar now.”

Telaine kissed him again, tracing the curve
of his ear with her forefinger. “I’m glad you’re here, however long
it took.”

“It was a long six weeks. Everyone else in
Longbourne forgave you before I did. For a while there seemed like
everyone in town took it on themselves to tell me how stupid I’d
been. Then I started having nightmares that you were never going to
forgive me. Didn’t help that you came into that awful room looking
like you wanted to murder someone and it might be me.”

“I was shocked. You were the last person I
expected to see.”

“I know.” He went back to kissing her,
sliding his hands across the small of her back. “We’d better be
careful. Nice quiet room like this, we could be headed for
trouble.”

“It’s worse than you know. My bedroom is just
through that door.” She ran her fingers through his hair, making
him smile against her mouth.

The door opened. They scrambled apart,
awkwardly disentangling themselves to sit upright at opposite ends
of the sofa. “
Julia!
” Telaine exclaimed. “Don’t you
knock
?”

“Sorry,” Julia said, grinning and looking not
at all remorseful. “Just wondering where you’d gone.”

“Honestly, Julia, we might have been doing
anything in here. You should be ashamed of yourself.”

“I wish you
were
doing something
scandalous. I’ve never seen two people more in need of sex than you
are.”