Agent Provocateur (32 page)

‘Ten minutes in a cab?’ He looks as if he doesn’t believe her, or just doesn’t believe his luck.

She doesn’t know what she is doing or why. She feels wretched, slightly nauseous, jealous – consumed with jealousy. She looks at Dan and sees Johnny’s face. His face is everywhere, when she is awake and when she is asleep. All she wants is him. Instead, she climbs into a taxi. Dan leans over to kiss her the moment the taxi pulls out, but she distracts him with conversation. Think! she says to herself. Think, think, think. She cannot know what to do. She opens her mouth to get the taxi to stop and for her to jump out but the words don’t come. She takes a deep breath. What is she actually doing that is so wrong? She’s with a handsome man, she’s a free agent, she is going to go back to his place. This is the modern day and she’s not doing anything wrong. So why does she feel such a slut?

‘I can’t do this.’ Suddenly the words are out, just before they reach Dan’s flat.

‘What?’ He looks crestfallen.

‘I’m sorry, but I can’t do this. I’m not over my husband, sorry my ex-husband, and it’s unfair to use you this way.’ It is a lie, but she hopes it is kind.

‘I don’t mind,’ he replies.

‘Dan, I can’t. I’m so sorry.’ She asks the taxi driver to pull over and she gets out. As she walks away she hears Dan shouting after her, but she refuses to listen. She is not a slut, Betty is wrong. She doesn’t try to hurt people, only sometimes she does. But she doesn’t try.

Johnny gently extricates his arm from behind Betty’s head. He gets quietly out of bed and makes his way downstairs. He goes to the kitchen and fills a glass with water, then he goes to the sofa and sits down.

His head is a muddle. He cannot help thinking of Grace, although he spent all evening thinking of, and enjoying, his wife. It is not that he loves Betty any less, it’s just that he wants them both. That is what it is. He thinks of Grace and he thinks of Betty. He wants them both, but he knows that he cannot have that. Nor is he proud of himself for wanting it. Betty is the perfect wife, she is also his best friend, so how can he even contemplate another woman? He vows to get Grace out of his head, and to be nothing more than her financial adviser.

Grace wakes. Her head is throbbing. She looks over at her clock and sees that it’s still the middle of the night. She crawls out of bed and goes to the kitchen to get some water and take some headache pills. Then she goes back to bed.

Perhaps she is no different from Kathy, her sister who would sleep with anyone. Although she didn’t sleep with Dan, she almost feels worse for that. If she had, at least he would have been happy. Instead, they both are miserable, although he will get over her, surely. He barely knew her and she will try to ensure that she doesn’t see him when she goes to visit Johnny. Because this is all about Johnny, and her behaviour is guided by her feelings for him. Shit, she wants him so badly, she has never wanted anything this badly. She is not trying to hurt people, she just seems to be good at it.

Chapter Twenty-Six

‘Johnny, can we grab a quick sandwich at lunchtime?’ Dan pops into Johnny’s office first thing.

‘Sure, about one-ish?’

He doesn’t think about it until Dan comes back to his office to collect him at the allotted time. They go to the same deli that Johnny went to with Grace, which again makes him think about her, even though he is trying not to. He is not going to think about her, he is going to concentrate on his gorgeous wife.

They order sandwiches and drinks and sit down.

‘Can I talk to you about something?’ Dan asks.

‘Sure.’

‘It’s Grace.’

Immediately the sensation returns. Everything prickles, he feels uncomfortable. His mind is in turmoil. Why is Dan talking about her? Has he guessed something? He feels like a man with a secret, although he hasn’t done anything wrong.

‘What about her?’ He manages to get the words out, although they feel stuck in his throat.

‘I went out with her last night.’

Johnny closes his eyes briefly. He is angry now – jealous, confused. He did not expect this.

‘What?’

‘I asked her out when I saw her leave your office. She suggested that night; last night. Anyway, we went for a drink after work, had a burger and then she came home with me.’

Johnny is on his feet. He has an overwhelming urge to hit Dan, who looks surprised. Johnny realises what he is doing, and sits down again.

‘Sorry, I’m a bit shocked.’

‘I was when she said yes—’

‘YOU SLEPT TOGETHER?’ Johnny shouts, interrupting him, and the whole deli looks over. Dan cringes into his seat. Johnny feels sweat building on his brow. He has no idea how he is going to get through the next few minutes; he feels he might spontaneously combust.

‘Please, Johnny, shush. No, we were nearly at my place and she asked the cab to stop and said she couldn’t do it because she isn’t over her ex and she was really sorry and all that. It was weird. All along she had been flirting, teasing – she’s the hottest woman I’ve ever met – and then all of a sudden she does this U-turn, leaving me high and dry.’

Johnny feels better about the fact that they didn’t sleep together, but he is still angry. He feels betrayed, and he feels hurt. But he is also angry with himself for feeling that way. He is married, he loves his wife, Grace is nothing to him. She is a client. He has no right to mind what she does.

‘I think you need to give her space. You never know, she might get in touch, when she feels better.’ He knows it sounds lame, but he is lost in his thoughts.

‘She’s not ill, Johnny.’

Johnny doesn’t care anymore. He’s sorry that Dan is sad because Dan is a mate, but he doesn’t care because Grace is not going to be with him. It is selfish but it is all he can think.

‘Look, give her time, that’s all I’m saying. It was only one date.’ There won’t be any more dates, he wants to add.

‘Johnny, you don’t understand. She’s amazing. The way she looks is enough to make any man fall for her, but that’s not even it. She’s smart, and she knows how to dress, and when she teases you, it makes you feel like you’re the most important man in the world. The way she smiles, you could live and die in her smile. Everything about her is wonderful. I know it sounds really lame, and it’s not like me, but I fell for her. I really fell for her. I can’t expect you to understand.’

The trouble is that Johnny understands perfectly.

‘I can’t believe you did that,’ Alison laughs, as Betty tells her, over lunch, about the previous evening.

‘It was such fun. Honestly, you know I’m not really the role-playing type but I did it quite well. Johnny, was putty in my hands.’

‘It sounds like it. I guess this is about Grace?’

‘Well, I thought if I gave him everything he needed at home he wouldn’t go elsewhere. But I like to think it’s not just about her. I thought that maybe I take him for granted, you know, and it was time I stopped.’

‘I think this is about her.’ Alison is looking at her with disapproval, although she is not entirely surprised. She had warned Betty, when she agreed to the bet, that insecurity isn’t something that is under control. Although Betty has changed, gained confidence, and become one of the strongest people Alison knows, it hasn’t been an overnight transition. When Alison first met Betty, she couldn’t figure out if she liked her or not. At first she was very serious, a bit timid, and seemed to have total incomprehension of what fun actually meant. But the more time they spent together, the more Betty showed her real self. It took a year for Alison to discover that the reason she was so loath to show it was because no one had ever been interested in her properly before. Alison was her first real friend.

Betty is complicated; she has simplified herself, but that doesn’t change the fact. She still battles with her private ‘ugly girl syndrome’; she still blames her parents for her childhood, although even she can’t fully explain why. Sometimes she still finds it impossible to believe that she is as successful as she is; she isn’t sure if it is real or not. University gave Betty many things she needed: fun, friends, attention, the means for her to see what her goal is and achieve it. Johnny has given her everything else.

Johnny was the first man that Betty ever asked out. She told Alison when she first met him, that she just had to and she couldn’t think about the consequences. Being Betty, she pursued him vigorously before actually asking the question, but her confidence was whole by then; she was whole. Their relationship saw Betty finally shed the last pieces of self-doubt. As they fell in love, she seemed to be the anti-Betty; the opposite of the woman that Alison first met. But insecurity doesn’t go away, it just gets buried. And, like all things buried, it has a habit of getting dug up.

‘Alison, you haven’t met Grace.’ Betty concedes that it is to do with her.

‘I don’t need to. Johnny loves you, and do you really think that by acting strangely around him, that will make it all right?’

‘I’m not acting strangely, I’m being sexy. I’m being Super wife.’

‘As much as I am sure Matt would love me to do the same, it’s not going to happen. Occasionally I put on a pair of stockings, or bring out massage oil – you know, something different – but, Betty, if you do this every day from now on, he’s going to know something’s up.’

‘He’ll just think he’s lucky and, anyway, I am going to be like this all the time, even when that bitch is put of the way.’

‘It’s not normal. You hate cooking, and I’m not sure you can afford to order in every night. You’ll get bored of blow jobs, and sexy undies, and whatever else you have in mind. Betty, he loves you, he loves you for you, so don’t try to be someone else.’

‘Your marriage isn’t under threat so I’m not sure I can expect you to understand. But I am not someone else, I am me, just the new me.’

‘Betty, you work at
Modern
Woman
– how many articles have you written about not changing for a man? If he loves you, he’ll love you for you – ring any bells? Christ, Betty, this woman will be gone soon and you’ll be fine, your marriage will be fine. But only if you stop this madness.’

‘I can’t. I can’t stop it.’ Betty is shouting at her friend, but only because she is growing more terrified by the day. She hates herself for that, for not feeling in control, for not being confident, but she cannot seem to stop. ‘I am so scared of losing him to her. I didn’t think about it before, but now the bet is nearly halfway through and I keep thinking I notice things about him: that he’s a bit more distant than normal; that he’s thinking about her; the dinner with a client. All those things make me think that he’s with her, or he wants to be with her, and I can’t lose him, Ali, I can’t.’ She doesn’t like the desperation she hears creep into her voice. She doesn’t like a lot of things at the moment.

‘I know, honey, but trying to keep him by pretending you’re someone you’re not isn’t the way. He married you because he loves you. You have to trust in that.’

‘What if I can’t? Alison, the only way I can get through this is by making him think I am so perfect that he won’t want to leave me.’ Sound logic, or it is when she decides it.

‘Betty, do what you have to do, but I don’t believe for one minute that Johnny is going to fall for her.’

‘I wish I had your confidence.’

Betty’s confidence has disappeared and Alison has no idea how to get it back.

‘You nearly slept with his colleague?’ Nicole looks shocked. They are at Nicole’s house, a place Grace visits rarely, but today she needed someone and Nicole was that someone.

Grace nods.

‘Have you eaten?’

Grace shakes her head. Nicole leads her into the kitchen where she opens the fridge, closes it, then goes to the cupboard and brings out a packet of cheese biscuits. ‘Haven’t been to the supermarket for a while.’ She shrugs in apology.

Nicole marches back to her office, where she and Grace began their chat. Grace tries to keep up but at the same time look at her surroundings. Nicole’s house has three floors, but the kitchen and office are on the same one. She knows there is a living room as well, but the door is always closed when Grace has been there, as if there is a big secret lurking behind it. Grace knows that Nicole is fond of her, but she also knows that she likes to keep her private life away from her business life.

The walls are all white. It doesn’t look cold, it looks modern, and to avoid the rooms looking clinical, Nicole has ensured there are plenty of pictures, a mixture of canvas and photographs, which add colour (the canvas) and warmth (the photos). Grace often wonders if Nicole planned the eclectic layout, or if it was just a random thing. Before she can think about it further, she finds herself back in Nicole’s large office, sitting in a leather armchair.

‘I feel awful,’ Grace says. Nicole looks at her.

‘Why? Because of Dan or because of Johnny?’

‘Both. Dan was sweet; he didn’t deserve to be used. But I justified it with the fact that I’m single, I’m a free agent, I’m still youngish so therefore I can go out with who I want. But the problem is that I didn’t want to be with him. I wanted to be with Johnny, and when Dan asked me out all I could think of was that this was my chance to find out how Johnny really feels about me.’

‘I see. So Dan tells Johnny today and Johnny either slaps him on the back and doesn’t mention it to you, or gets angry.’

‘Precisely. But now I feel bad for using him. Because that’s what I did. We had drinks, dinner – well a burger, not exactly dinner – and I felt drunk so I told him to take me to his place. Then I freaked out, jumped out of the taxi and didn’t even look back. The thing is that I didn’t feel like a free agent when I was with him. I didn’t feel single. I felt that I should be with Johnny.’

‘I knew that this was happening. From the way you spoke about him when you first met him, I knew you were falling for him. I should have stopped you, put a stop to it when I could. Grace, this wasn’t meant to happen.’

‘I know.’ Grace’s eyes fill with tears.