Agent Provocateur (41 page)

As she applies her mascara and her lipstick – not too much make-up, just a little, to complement her features because she no longer needs to hide her face behind it – she contemplates her future, with Johnny. Because that is what she hopes she has now: a future.

The taxi drops her outside the restaurant. It is an expensive choice – his choice. Not the sort of place you take a friend. She hopes it is not the sort of place he would take a friend.

She didn’t mean to do it – fall in love. That wasn’t her choice. In her line of work she knows the hurt and she would never fall in love with another woman’s husband on purpose. But Betty told her that love was something she would, could never understand, and Betty was right. She didn’t understand, she just
was
. Which is why she now tries not to think of Betty, but, because Grace isn’t a total bitch, she does think of Betty. Often. She thinks back to when Fiona came up with the idea of the bet, the purpose of which was either to wipe the smirk off Betty’s face, or to find the man so in love with his partner that she would be rejected. At the time, she didn’t mind which outcome, but now she wants neither. She wants to be in love with Johnny, she wants him to be in love with her. If that is selfish, or wrong, then she cannot help it. Love is like that.

She knows that he might not feel the same. The fear that that thought evokes is something she has never experienced. When she was younger, the fear she felt at being bullied had nothing on this: the fear of rejection. Without Johnny there is a huge gap inside her, a black hole, one that will grow, without him, until it takes her over. She cannot live without him. She is so sure of that. She is so sure of him. Her feelings have been identified. She is thirty-two years old, not a kid playing with relationships. She knows what she is doing. She knows exactly what this is. For the first time in thirty-two years Grace Regan is in love. Properly, absolutely, totally in love. With someone else’s husband.

She pushes the door open and notices that it is a small, dark, intimate restaurant. It is romantic, or it feels romantic. She sees that the, small number of tables are seating couples. Some are holding hands, others staring into each other’s eyes, some are talking, softly so you can hear a murmur but not what is being said, others seem to be silent. It is where Johnny has chosen to take her and that says more than Grace ever needs to hear from his lips. She is led to the back, where Johnny is sitting. He stands when she approaches the table. He is wearing a shirt, no tie, and his hair is neat. He looks troubled. As the waiter who led Grace to the table stands aside, Johnny leans towards her and kisses her cheek, leaving her feeling warm and tingly. She smiles, and despite the fact that he looks as if he doesn’t want to smile, he smiles back. They sit down.

Johnny can see that even though they are in the middle of coupledom, the men are all looking their way. Men normally do when he is with Grace. Despite the fact that he doesn’t want to, he feels proud – something he abhors himself for. He is at a loss at what to do, what to say, but he knows that he has to be honest with her; it is killing him. She is the most beautiful woman he has ever met, and so vulnerable, so delicate, so in need of him, and he is faltering. The perfect veneer he believes in so strongly is slipping because he wants her. But then he is only human and there is no man that wouldn’t want her – most would want her just after looking at her. At least he got to know her. But there is a huge problem, and that is his wife. He loves his wife. She is his life. So why is he so drawn to this woman sitting opposite him? Is it because he is human, or is it because he is married to the wrong woman? He knows that he is going round in circles. Every decision he tries to make brings him back to the starting point. He is repetitive, and he is also stalled; he is getting nowhere.

He tells himself it has to stop. He tells himself to make a decision. He chastises himself, he beats himself up, but that does not change a thing. He is edging closer but getting further away. The horizon has disappeared. All there is a vast space. He has to sort it out, he tells himself, but he is not being as obedient as usual.

Grace wishes she could see into his mind. When she works, she normally can tell what men are thinking, they are so transparent. They may as well have flashing neon signs on their heads. But Johnny’s eyes are so full of confusion, and she knows that she is on dangerous ground. He is unhappy, she can see that, and she knows that she is responsible. She is vulnerable because although she thinks he invited her here to tell her he loves her, he might have invited her here to tell her that he cannot see her any more. The fear is threatening to engulf her.

‘Would you like the wine list?’ the waiter asks and, grateful for a break from their thoughts, they both smile.

‘Red or white?’ Johnny asks. Grace wants so badly to touch his face.

‘Red,’ she replies.

He gets an urge to kiss her. Johnny orders the wine, and then they both pick up the food menus. ‘Johnny …’ Grace says, then falters.

‘Yes?’ Johnny looks at her.

‘Did you invite me here to tell me that you can’t see me again?’ There is a silence. Grace didn’t mean to ask that question. After all, they are not having an affair. Their contact has been non-physical, and all of a sudden she has suggested something else. But they both know that they cannot carry on, and she has decided to release him, if that is what he wants. She didn’t plan it, but she felt it. She desperately does not want to hear the answer is yes. She is so terrified of that ‘yes’ that she wants to run away as horror inside her intensifies. But she stays.

‘Grace ...’ It is now Johnny’s turn to falter. Luckily the wine waiter returns, giving him a respite. ‘Grace,’ he continues after the wine has been tasted and poured, ‘I don’t know.’ He sits back, feeling inadequate. She is relieved. He doesn’t know why he feels so guilty but he does – not only for Betty but for Grace. Can you be in love with more than one person? If you can, you are not allowed to be. He briefly wishes he was from a country where a man can have more than one wife. He truly believes that if he could have both Grace and Betty, then he would be complete. But they probably wouldn’t be so keen on the idea.

Grace thinks that his not knowing still gives her a chance. He is confused, and that means he feels something for her. She understands that it is so much more complicated for him. He has a wife – a wife he loves – and he doesn’t normally cheat; has never cheated on her. This for him is much more than that. She understands, but she also knows that he has no clear decision. She could do the right thing and walk away, or she could do the right thing for her.

‘Johnny, I don’t want to come between you and your wife.’ She does, though. That is exactly what she wants, but only because she loves him. It is no longer vindictive. Love isn’t real if it is at all vindictive; that much she has learnt.

‘I know. I don’t understand what’s happening.’ He takes a sip of wine. ‘Grace, first you were a client, then we became friends, but I don’t know where we are now. I love my wife, I do, and I’ve never pretended otherwise, but you confuse me.’

He looks so sincere that her heart threatens to break. All she has to do now is the right thing. She knows what the right thing is, but she cannot. Bet or no bet, she cannot let him leave her.

‘Johnny, I don’t need to tell you how I feel, and I certainly don’t need to put any pressure on you. To be honest with you, I think I’ve done enough of that.’

‘No, Grace, you haven’t.’

‘That’s sweet of you to say but I know I’ve been relying on you, on your friendship, and I didn’t want to ruin your marriage, I still don’t.’ She lies again, or maybe not lies exactly, because she doesn’t want to ruin his marriage, but knows that unless that happens she will never be happy.

‘It works both ways. I enjoy being with you.’

‘I know, and I think that perhaps we should stop.’ Grace is taking the gamble of her life. She is putting all the chips on red, and she is praying the ball doesn’t land on black.

‘Stop seeing each other?’ Despite his confusion, the thought of not seeing her upsets him. He is so mixed up.

‘Just until you know what to do. Johnny, I want you around, you know that, and well, I love you. I hope that we can work it out, but I don’t know. Maybe if we take a break ... I’ll wait for your call, I won’t bother you …’ She tails off and her eyes fill with real tears.

‘Just a bit of space?’ he asks. ‘A week?’ Grace nods. She musters every ounce of strength in her body and her mind, and she gets up from the table. She leans over and kisses his cheek, touches his hand, strokes his hair. Her entire body fills up with feelings. She bites her lip to stop it from trembling.

‘I’ll be there. You know, whatever, I’ll be there waiting.’

Now it is Johnny’s turn to nod as she allows herself one last look at him before she walks away.

Grace hails a taxi almost straight away, tears blinding her as she sits and waits for home. She had to do it, that much she knows. If he wants her, then he must want her for her. There is no way that she will manipulate him. There is no way she will try to trap him. She can hope and pray, but that is all she can do.

Johnny decides to finish the wine they ordered. He cannot face going home. The menus that they barely glanced at lie on the table and remind him that he has no appetite and no companion to dine with. He looks to where Grace sat and wonders how he got himself into such a mess. It isn’t his style; he isn’t a cad, a bounder, a womaniser. He loves Betty; he is terrified he loves Grace. He finishes the wine, and wonders what he is going to do. No answers come, but one thing is clear: he needs to do something.

It is early, only half-past eight, so he calls Matt and begs him that he needs to talk. He knows it might be dangerous talking to Alison’s husband, but he is also his best friend and he has no other option, or none that he can think of.

Grace arrives home, feeling lonelier than ever. Her answer phone is blinking so she presses play. Nicole’s voice speaks to her, and also a desperate message from Betty, begging her to call and let her know if anything is happening. Grace has gone from hating Betty to feeling sorry for her, to fearing her. Or maybe she feared her all along. Maybe that was the problem. But since she has ceased all contact with her lovers, she has no one to ask or talk to, because they were her only friends. She can’t call Nicole. Despite her friendship, their relationship is a work one, and she doesn’t want her boss to see her falling apart.

She thinks that maybe she will call Betty, but then she decides she won’t. What would she say to her? There is no way she can tell her the truth, because at that moment she has no idea what Johnny wants. Or if anything is going on.

Betty jumps every time the phone rings, but it is not the person she wants it to be. She called Grace earlier in the evening because the day has been torture. Ever since Sunday, she has felt positive, but now that positiveness has fled. Deserted her. And Grace wouldn’t speak to her to tell her. She thinks about phoning her again, but stops herself. If Grace thinks she is as hysterical as she is, then she will only use it against her. She pours herself some wine and realises that if she had only stood up to her boss, she would never be in this situation. It is Fiona’s fault. It is her job’s fault. It is Grace’s fault. It is her own fault.

Chapter Thirty-Two

Johnny sees Matt sitting at the bar nursing a beer as soon as he opens the door. He has deliberately not spoken to anyone about Grace before, but that is about to change. Although Matt can come across as a bit of a joker, Johnny trusts him. He is the only person that he truly trusts apart from Betty, and he can’t talk to her. For once. That is part of what is killing him. Betty is not just his wife, from the moment he met her she became his best friend. Keeping things from her is eating him up, as it has been ever since he met Grace. He justified keeping Grace from Betty at first. He doesn’t talk about his clients, nor tell her when he goes for lunch with them. But the telephone calls, the games at her flat, the golf, the dinner – they couldn’t all be explained as justifiable. Then he wasn’t just not telling Betty the truth, he was lying to her. Deliberate lies.

He isn’t having an affair, and that isn’t what he wants. If he knows nothing else, he knows that he can’t sleep with both women, no matter how much he wants to. No matter how tempted he is, he knows he would never do that. But he can’t go on the way he is, torn between two women, two women he really believes he loves. He loves them both. Full circle.

‘Hi, mate,’ Matt says as Johnny sits down beside him. He gestures to his bottle of lager and Johnny nods. He catches the barman’s attention and puts up two fingers. In seconds two bottles of lager arrive and Johnny hands over a five-pound note.

‘Thanks.’ Johnny takes a long drink. He managed to finish most of the wine in the restaurant but needs more Dutch courage. He is about to voice his biggest fears out loud and then they will be more real than ever.

‘You sounded different on the phone,’ Matt says, not one hundred per cent sure why he is sitting at the bar, but sure it isn’t just because Johnny wanted a beer. After all the weird happenings, Matt is convinced that Johnny is having an affair. He believes that he is about to hear the confession.

‘Matt, if I tell you something, will you promise me something?’

‘I hate it when people say that. How do I know if I can promise you until I know what it is?’

‘What I mean is, I don’t want you to tell Alison.’

‘Oh, well, that’s fine then,’ he jokes. They both avoid eye contact.

‘I’ve met someone.’

Matt takes a look at Johnny but he is staring at his lager bottle. Although this is what Matt thought, he is not prepared for how hearing his best friend say it will make him feel. Ever since he met Johnny, he has been jealous of the certainty. He is jealous of his relationship with Betty, and has tried to model his own, with Alison, on theirs. Johnny has been a relationship role model, but this is one road that Matt doesn’t want to follow him down.