Alex & Clayton (23 page)

“I guess you’re right, Paul. I’m a moron. I should have taken the chance and said yes to his proposal and none of this may have happened, although I can’t know that for sure. Would he have still done this kid even if we were a couple? I’ll never know.”

“Does Alex love you?”

“I don’t know. We’ve only briefly talked about our feelings, and we agreed that we both feel something for each other. But the word love has never been used. Why?”

“Acting this way, you’ll never get to know if he loves you, now will you? I remember you said that you didn’t have much experience with men. Have you always been gay or did you come to the conclusion late in life?”

“No, I’ve always been gay. I knew that from the age of six forward. I just never had the self-confidence, social ability, or freedom to explore a relationship. My experience with men was limited to a rather unsavory routine that didn’t leave any room for finding out anything about the other guy.”

“I see. So, what you’re saying is that you had some sexual interaction with other men but no emotional involvement?”

“Yeah, that would be right on the money. Alex would be my first, and I’m about to turn fifty. Sad, isn’t it? What a life I’ve lived… or not lived, as the case may be.”

“I might agree with your feelings on this, but it seems to me that you have an outstanding chance at being with someone I think is a really good man. I think you’d be very secure with Alex as your husband or even just a boyfriend. It’s not a matter of having a sexual partner on call as it were, but a matter of affection, emotional commitment, and security. I have little doubt, even after only one meeting, that you would have all those things with Alex. Sure, he might have taken a roll in the hay with a little cutie, but you’ll never find him making any commitment to a young guy like that.”

“You think?”

“How old is Alex?”

“He’ll be forty-nine in September.”

“Okay, basically, you guys are the same age. That gives you quite a bit in common. What could he possibly have in common with the guy you saw him with tonight?”

“Sex, I guess.”

“And that’s it. You can’t build a lifetime together based on sex, no matter how good it is. You base it on shared values, common goals, love, and a future that works well for you both. Tell me that you could actually see Alex becoming a husband to one of these kids.”

“No, I guess not. You make a lot of sense, and my lack of experience in this area really shows, doesn’t it?”

“Bright and clear. My advice, for what it’s worth, is that you put this dalliance behind you immediately, never bring it up again, and move forward with Alex as a couple. If you don’t, he’ll continue to bed the occasional young stud while he looks for his life partner. If you wanna lose him, then you’re going about it the right way. For men, sex is just that, sex. It’s not an affair of the heart. It’s an affair of the loins.”

“You’re right. How do you suggest I smooth things over with Alex?”

“Well, whatever punishment he gave you the last time you fucked up might be given again if you asked for it. If he agrees, you do whatever it is and move on!”

“Oh dear….”

“Well, it’s been a pleasure talking with you. I still can’t believe we’re neighbors! I promise I won’t be a pest. You can sit out here without having to worry about Jim or me listening to your every word. I’ll put a radio out on the balcony, and when one of us is out there, we’ll turn it on real low so that you know.”

“Thanks, Paul, but that isn’t necessary. You sit out anytime you feel like it, and don’t give it a second thought. I’ve enjoyed talking to you, and you’re a wise man. Maybe with you coaching me, I might land a husband after all!”

“Good night, Clay. You’re a good-looking man with a great personality. Alex would be just as lucky to have you as a partner as you would be having him.”

“Good night, see you again soon, I’m sure.”

Clay showed his new neighbor out the door, closed it, and began to think. What should he do to make up for making a scene? He looked at his watch and saw that it was almost eleven o’clock. He decided not to call Alex since it was getting late. He’d do whatever he was going to do tomorrow. He went to bed that night feeling both foolish and afraid that Alex wouldn’t forgive him a second time. It was to be a long night.

A
LEX
drank two more scotch on the rocks while thinking about what had happened. The fact that Clay had refused to answer the phone made him angry all over again. How can you make things right if the other guy won’t even talk to you? Alex realized that when he thought he might be losing Clay, feelings of love began to surface in his heart. Sometimes you don’t know you love someone until you think you’re going to lose them.

It was getting late, and Alex decided to turn in a little early. He’d try and sleep so that he didn’t have to think about the trouble he had gotten himself into with Clay. He tossed and turned for an hour without even becoming tired. He got up and took a hot shower, hoping that it would relax him enough that he might be able to fall asleep.

Eventually it worked, though his sleep was fitful, and when he woke the next morning, the sheets were all tangled up and the comforter was on the floor along with the pillows.

Chapter Fifteen

A
FTER
untangling his feet from the sheets, Alex got up and showered again. His slight mood of depression wasn’t helped by the shower, but at least he felt clean. He threw on an old pair of boxer shorts and went down to the kitchen where he put the morning pot of coffee on.

When he looked at the clock, he was surprised that he had gotten up just after seven. He usually slept in until at least nine o’clock.

“Great, this is gonna be a shitty day. I can feel it already,” he said aloud while watching the coffee pot brew his morning beverage. He poured some orange juice but didn’t bother to cook anything. He wasn’t hungry, and he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to eat by lunch either. The problem that he had avoided last night was there waiting for him when he woke up today. He had only put off having to deal with the situation.

After pouring his coffee, he took his cup and the juice and went to his favorite chair. He sat down next to the window with no more desire to look out onto the sidewalk in front of his house. He had no urge to check out the young guys at all, though he usually enjoyed the parade of smooth, toned flesh. All he was thinking about was how he was going to make things right with Clayton. Should he send flowers? No, that wouldn’t do any good. If anything, they’d end up sailing over his balcony railing and falling onto the ground.

Come on, Alex, you know men and how to handle them. Why can’t you figure this out? What’s so different about this screw up compared to other fixes he had gotten into with a host of guys over the past thirty years?

Alex sat up straight in the chair when it dawned on him. Is this what real love felt like? Is this what it did to a normally in-charge, confident man? Was he in love with Clayton Anderson? He began to get really nervous now that he realized that the man he might have lost over a trick might be the man he was meant to find happiness with. Now he knew he had to make things right with Clayton, or he was afraid he’d spend his life alone.

A
N
HOUR
later, Clay woke up and went through his morning routine without any energy. He dreamed the entire night about evil young guys with virgin asses throwing condoms at Alex Winston. That was his man, and he had been taken off the circuit. But in the cold daylight, he knew that Alex hadn’t been taken out of circulation—because Clay had been afraid to commit to him, even though he knew Alex was the man he could be in love with for the rest of his life.

He was still no closer to solving the problem when he sat down for coffee. After the second sip, it hit him like a lightning bolt! He knew how to make things right. He got up and went over to the phone and dialed Alex’s number.

“Good morning, Clay,” Alex said when he answered.

“Morning, Alex. Are you going to be home around one o’clock today?”

“Why? You have something to give back that I gave to you?” Alex asked sadly.

“Are you going to be home, and can I come over then?”

“Yes, I’ve nothing planned for today. Care to tell me the purpose of the visit?”

“You’ll have to wait to see.”

“Alright, see you at one,” Alex said. He hung up, convinced that Clay was going to bring back the small presents he had given him for helping him pick out his art, or just because.

C
LAY
hung up and smiled. He had a few hours to get up the courage to put his plan into action. Suddenly, nothing was more important than getting his man back and setting the course for the rest of their lives. To kill some time, Clay decided to go to the supermarket and buy food and mixers for the bar. If his plan worked, he’d be having a regular guest over along with his new neighbors, one of whom had helped Clay to see the light.

A
LEX
poured his third cup of coffee of the day and paced around his house. He began checking for any signs that cleaning needed to be done since Clay was coming over—possibly for the last time. He decided to run the vacuum cleaner and dust because neither had been done in two weeks. When he was satisfied that everything was in order, he went out for a run.

His path took him up onto the boardwalk, and he hardly paid attention to anyone that he passed. When he gave the water a quick glance, he didn’t bother looking at who was on the beach. When he ran out of boardwalk to run on, he realized he was at “Poodle Beach,” which forced him to stop. He ran in place for a moment and turned around to run back to his house, but before he could take off, someone called to him.

“Hey Alex! Hold up!’

Alex turned and saw Kevin running up to him.

“What the hell was all that about at the bar last night? You dropped me like an old trick. Who was that old guy you were with anyway?”

“It might interest you to know that I’m only one year younger than that old guy you’re talking about. As for who he is, he’s my future life partner, if I can repair the rift you caused by coming up to me in the bar last night and running your mouth. Here’s a little advice: If a guy you made it with is talking to another guy at a bar or anywhere, keep your mouth shut about any sexual activity between the two of you. It might save you from getting a punch in the mouth.”

Alex didn’t wait for a reply but took off running back the way he had come. Thirty minutes later, he was back home, panting and sweating. He looked at his watch and saw that Clay would be over in about an hour, so he went upstairs, stripped off his sweat soaked running gear, and jumped into the shower. He let the water run over his body, easing the aches that he now got when he went out to run. His body just wasn’t as resilient as in his prime.

He got out, shaved, and dressed in another pair of gym shorts, forgoing any underwear, and threw on a fresh T-shirt. He remained barefoot as he went back down to the kitchen to pour a glass of iced tea. He took his drink into the living room to nervously wait for Clay’s arrival. He had to think of something to say that would convince Clay to give him another chance.

C
LAY
finished his shower and dried off. He shaved, brushed his teeth again, combed his hair, and went into the bedroom. He lay down for a few moments to calm his racing heart and then got up and went downstairs. When he looked out the window, he saw that rain clouds had moved in and that a fine sprinkle had begun.

It was time to put his plan into action. He took a dress raincoat from the hallway closet and pulled down one more item that he put into his pocket. He grabbed his keys and went out to the car for the short drive over to Alex’s.

T
HE
doorbell rang and Alex went to the door from the laundry room, tensing up as he walked. He opened the door and found Clay standing there unsmiling and his heart dropped.

“Come in,” Alex said.

Clay walked in and looked around.

“Are we alone?” he asked.

“Well, yeah. If you’re gonna yell, no one will hear you but me.”

Instead of yelling or talking, Clay unbuttoned his trench coat and revealed a completely naked body to a very shocked Alex. Alex looked back up at Clay’s face with a question in his eyes.

Clay removed the item he had brought with him from his pocket and slipped the coat off so that it dropped to the floor in a bundle. He walked over to Alex and handed him a rolled up belt.

“I’m here to take my punishment for overreacting last night and embarrassing you. I hope the same punishment as last time will serve well enough to quench your anger with me. I don’t wanna lose you.”

Alex took the belt from Clay as his jaw dropped open. He stood there for a long moment with a belt in one hand and a totally naked man in the middle of his living room. Alex realized that not only was he not going to lose Clay over some roll in the hay, but he was basically being told that he was the one in charge. He gathered himself, not being one to waste an opportunity.