Alice in La La Land (15 page)

Alice appeared to give it serious thought. 'We'll think about it,' she said finally, steering Nick away from the offending object.

'You're nuts,' he said affectionately, and once again she felt warm and safe.

'Would you rather go to a bookshop?' she offered suddenly.

'I thought you'd never ask,' he said with relief.

'Isn't there one on Sunset called Book Soup?'

'I'll just consult my guidebook.'

'Nerd,' said Alice laughing.

'Don't pretend you don't have one,' he protested, smiling.

They turned and walked back to the carpark.

'Stand up and repeat "tis the voice of the sluggard",' said the Gryphon.

Lewis Carroll,
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

Alice had forced herself to read the
Looly Down Under
script in much the same way you'd force-feed yourself a vile-tasting meal without nutritional value.
Looly Down Under
's culinary equivalent was banana and anchovy pizza with double cheese. Too bad. She needed a job now. She had to focus, to harness her inner-winner and make shit happen. She had three auditions scheduled for the day, but decided it was this film that would be her ticket out of trouble.

Looly Down Under
was a story of intrigue and adventure in the Australian outback. Two American guys venturing through the red dust in the hope of finding gold discover a love of wildlife thanks to the charms of a beautiful twenty-one-year-old zoologist named Looly, campaigning tirelessly to save the red kangaroo from extinction. This was an adventure-comedy hybrid possibly written by an orangutan.

Alice resolved to go into the test positive and upbeat. She would be fresh, fun-loving and carefree the way all twenty-one-year-old zoologists were in outback Australia while campaigning for the rights of an animal which, if anything, needed to be culled from time to time, rather than saved. But far be it for her to set them straight on their facts. She wanted them to show her the money. Plus she was a bona-fide Aussie. That had to count for something.

Rebekah had given her the impression that the director, Greg Stanley, hadn't asked to see many girls for the role. Alice decided to wear her dark navy jeans and her lucky long-sleeved blue-and-white-striped T-shirt with navy blue wedges. She began to revise all her lines for the day when suddenly there was a knock on the wall.

'Uh, Alice? Have you got a sec?' Shauna's voice sounded thin and whispery through the gyprock.

'What's up? Do you want to come in? I'm just reading a script that parallels Tolstoy in brilliance and historical prowess.'

'Huh?'

'Get in here.'

Shauna opened the door to Alice's room and stood in the doorway. Her eyes were puffy and she was much paler than usual. Alice put down her script and patted the bed beside her. 'Come and sit down. What's wrong?'

Shauna perched on the end of Alice's bed in her pyjamas. They were flannelette and decorated with red trucks. Alice realised it was the first time she'd seen Shauna without makeup. She looked much younger than her nineteen years.

'I had dinner last night with this guy named Lenny. I met him at the agency. He called and asked about me personally,' she began, in a small voice.

'What do you mean? People call your agent and ask for a date? That's bizarre, isn't it?'

'Nuh-uh. You know, really big stars do that all the time. In fact, you think about the biggest actor in Hollywood. I'm not going to name names, but he calls the agents of whoever the latest it-girl is and sets up a date. It happens a lot.'

'It's so old-fashioned, yet creepy at the same time,' Alice observed. 'Anyway, sorry, go on.'

'I'm frickin' broke, Alice. I had to send money to my mom for my little brother. I need this Dorothy job.'

'Oh, right.
Dorothy Navigator
? How did your audition go?'

'I think it was okay. There was, like, a waiting room full of girls and they were in and out real quick. But I think I did okay. Anyway, this guy, Lenny, calls my agency; says he's a co-producer on the film.'

Alice shot her a look.

'Really,' insisted Shauna. 'It's all legit. Says my test was great and he wants to talk to me over dinner.'

'Right,' said Alice. Warning bells were ringing. 'But that's incredible. Imagine if you got that job,' she offered, cautiously.

'So, he's fifty-odd this guy, Lenny. An old dude and more of a suit than anything. I think he, like, invests in a lot of films; he invested in that big movie about fighter pilots that came out last month.'

'It bombed, right?'

'Huh? Well, he didn't say that. He was more talking about the stars and how they all hung out on his yacht and had parties and stuff. The guy's totally cashed up, obviously. So, you know, we're at Spago, and I was dressed all wrong in my leopard-print dress and boots. I felt like a cheap ol' . . .'

'Stop it, Shauna. You are lovely and don't you even try to suggest otherwise.'

A big tear slid down Shauna's nose. Her face looked raw. 'Anyway, we're on our way out and I can't believe it but I bump into Chad. I've been waiting for him to call for three weeks. He's, like, the best guy you could ever meet and we've been out on a couple of dates, bowling and to the movies, but we're not exclusive or anything.' Her face shone through her tears. 'And I'm standing there at the valet with Lenny, and Chad's all like, "What's up with the old guy?"'

'Even though he hasn't called you?' Alice interjected.

'Right. So I'm standing there in a mini-dress with a fifty-year-old guy who's maybe a producer but who the hell knows. Anyway, he sees Chad, who's, like, forty years younger and hot-looking to boot, and Lenny puts his hand on my butt and hands Chad the car ticket like he's the valet when he knows he's not.'

'Oh, God.'

'So Chad gets real mad and tells him to step off, right?'

'I see,' Alice nodded, plucking at the bedspread.

'Anyway, they have this sort of pushing match. Lenny's puffing and shit and Chad's all hyped up and pushes him back and Lenny stumbles on the sidewalk and his toupee falls clean off. He's all red in the face, super-angry. Then he says, "Have the whore, there's no way she's ever getting Dorothy!" and he gives his ticket to the real valet and gets in his Jag and drives off without me.'

'Charming. Just left you standing there. So what happened with Chad?'

'He walked away too! I had to get a cab home, can you believe it? Have you ever been in a cab here?'

'Yes, they're vile and disgusting and the drivers don't know where they're going. Correct?'

'Right.'

'Didn't Martin Amis once suggest that all LA cabdrivers are from Saturn?'

'Huh? Anyway, the cab comes and it's only when I get back here that I realise I don't have enough money to cover the fare and the driver goes beserk and then he demands a blowjob! Like I'm a hooker and I can pay for the cab that way!' Shauna stared straight ahead at the wall.

'Oh my God, Shauna, why didn't you come and get me?'

'I tried to call but your phone was off. Anyway, I just ran down the street and hid in the bushes outside a house a few doors down.'

'Shauna. I'm so sorry.' Alice thought for a moment. 'Do you know what? I won money at the races on Saturday. Can you believe it? A hundred bucks! Just have it and pay me back when you get your next job.'

'I couldn't, you need your money too . . .' she answered, looking at Alice with red eyes.

'Not another word. It's fine. It's money I didn't have, so just use it.' Alice scrambled out of bed and felt around in her red handbag for her purse. 'What a bunch of arseholes!' she snorted, handing Shauna the money.

'Yeah, what a bunch of butt-monkeys!'

'What a bunch of crack-whore-bums!'

'We should introduce them to the cats,' Shauna giggled.

Alice leaned over and hugged her. 'Things will get better,' she said. 'Things
will
get better. I promise you.'

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Re: Stop Thief, You'll Wake the Baby

Fox is looking for another Lisa Kudrow for this hysterically funny sitcom. They have a major star attached for the male lead. Your character's name is Trixie, she is a fashion designer and single mom who inadvertently becomes involved with a professional thief. Think fresh-faced, bubbly adorable . . . just be yourself!

Joe hasn't seen
Cornucopia
but we were able to get an advance disc of promo scenes, plus we have sent him your publicity package. Please learn scenes 15 through
18. Audition with Joe Roth, Twentieth Century Fox, Pico
Boulevard. (Address and Yahoo Map attached.)

Love Rebekah

Sitting in the casting department with seven other aspiring Lisa Kudrows brought out a momentary fierceness in Alice.

I'm more Kudrow than her, surely, she thought, feeling the mask of shiny determination settle on her features. She wrote down her age as twenty-six on the fact sheet – though a quick check on the Actor's Internet Database would reveal her true age. She'd submitted it honestly at twenty-three when she'd naïvely believed that age didn't matter.

Alice stared straight ahead. There was a coldness between competitors here which was unlike back home. She guessed the stakes were too high to share a jovial, 'Can you believe how shitty the dialogue is?' Some of these actresses had been auditioning day in, day out for eight years plus. It was vital to stay focused and positive lest you slip into some downward spiralling hell. 'Oh my God, I love the script!' or
'My meeting went so well today!' or 'They were going to give me the part, they thought I was perfect, but they decided to go another way, that's all. If she were blonde, it would have been mine, they said. They'll definitely keep me in mind for the next one.' Yeah sure, Alice thought, while listening to these diatribes. Keep taking your Xanax.

Exactly one hour after her appointment time, Joe Roth's assistant, a dour-faced teenager, escorted Alice into the lion's den. Joe Roth remained sitting as Alice entered the room and fiddled with his pen. He was looking at Alice's CV with puzzlement. '
Cornucopia
was released two years ago, right?'

He was an imposing man in his mid-forties with a thick head of hair and shiny skin. He wore a large gold Rolex studded with diamonds.

'No, actually,' replied Alice putting down her satchel and smiling confidently. 'It was shot two years ago, but premiered at the Venice Film Festival last September. It . . .'

'Oh, okay, so it hasn't got a release yet.' He smiled at her perfunctorily. 'I'll call Faith in and we can get started.'

'Sure,' said Alice, looking around for a camera. She could see a couch, two fold-out chairs and a number of bookshelves filled with DVDs. Behind Joe were a series of actors' headshots. A hunky male with sparkly teeth who must have been the male lead was flanked by a host of serene actresses whose gazes seemed to say, 'You're just never going to have the sort of confidence needed to get the job.'

'Begone exoskeletons,' muttered Alice through her teeth, as Joe Roth stood to introduce her to Faith.

'Alice, Faith is our casting assistant; she'll read opposite you today. Now, let's just sit down and do a read and see what we got.' His tone was smooth and reasonable, as if he were settling a dispute.

'Fine,' said Alice, smiling at Faith, an exhausted-looking woman in her mid-thirties with short mousy hair.

'Scene fifteen,' said Joe, looking at her intently. Something in his eyes made Alice feel very small.

'I'm a thief, Johnny, just like you, only I steal other designer's ideas and sell them as my own. You steal people's dreams,' said Alice, wondering where the opportunity to be hilarious presented itself in the dialogue.

'You're struggling right now, I can tell,' Faith coun-tered flatly.

'Please, I'm going to ask you one more time to keep your voice down. You'll wake baby Tyler.'

'My bad!' said Faith/Johnny. This was a new expression, like 'Talk to the hand', which had worked its way into sitcom vernacular and had probably reached its tipping point.

'Look, Johnny,' said Alice, gesturing behind her and pretending to pick up discarded baby clothes. 'As you can see, the place is a dump, I need to tidy up, finish my designs by midnight and then somehow squeeze in a few hours' sleep before Tyler wakes for a bottle at three, so if you'll excuse me . . .'

'You don't get it, do you?' said Johnny, 'I'm here to help.'

'Alice, I'm going to stop you there,' said Joe. 'Let's try it in an English accent instead. Your American isn't working for me. Okay? Let's mix it up, huh?'

Alice gulped. She had committed a cardinal sin. Every
foreign actress's US accent had to be flawless. Sure, American actors could feel free to do the worst Australian and English accents known to man, but if you fucked with
their
accent you were finished.

'Sorry. Of course. I'll do English.'

Alice needed to mentally switch gears to accomplish the task. Once you had learned something one way it took some dislodging to turn it on its head. The speech cadences, the very character of the piece, changed utterly. Alice heard herself launch into an appalling Cockney accent, and wondered why she had not settled for something milder. She tousled with her script pages in an effort to centre herself but could not find her place.

'. . . whereas you, me little chum,' she improvised, 'steal people's 'earts an' dreams. Innit.'

Alice tumbled through the scene sounding like a Dickensian street-sweeper, longing for the whole experience to be over. Finally Joe said, 'Cut.' He looked as though he'd just witnessed a pedestrian suddenly and unexpectedly speak in tongues.

'Well. Thanks, Alice, one scene is all we need right now. Well done.' He stood up and shook her hand. His palms felt unnaturally smooth, as if he had regular paraffin wax manicures and got other people to take out his garbage.

'Thanks, Joe, thanks, Faith. I had a blast,' Alice said inexplicably, and headed for the back of the room.

'It's that way,' Joe directed, pointing at the door.

'Cool.' She kept her head down, marched straight through casting and took the elevator to the carpark.

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Re: Wind Man

Wind Man's girlfriend is an ace reporter for the local news channel. She sometimes also has to fill in for the weather girl. Whenever there is strong wind, Wind Man surfaces to keep the world safe from the changing weather patterns, due to global warming. This is a superhero pic with an important environmental message.

Your character, Jill, is strong, feisty and gorgeous. Scene 71 takes place at the local television station. Audition at 11 am, Mindy Sherman, Contour Casting, Santa Monica Boulevard.