Alien in the House (22 page)

“P
EOPLE SAY THAT TO US A LOT.”
And they were usually right. However, I had BFFs to find. “Can you talk and walk at the same time, Vance?”

He shot me a very snide look. “At least as well as you can.”

“So you claim. Okay, before we let Vance roll his theory, let's determine where we're going.” I led the others outside to the Zoo's lovely circular driveway.

The Zoo was on the curving corner of Sheridan Circle. I stood pretty much where the van had been and faced the way its doors had opened.

I hadn't really paid attention earlier, in part because I was distracted by murder and mayhem, and in part because they'd been up for weeks now, but the Christmas lights on the trees in Sheridan Circle and on most of the buildings within view were quite pretty. No one was really overdoing it in this part of town, so most of the lights were white and sparkling. Ireland was the lone exception—they had green lights interspersed with white. All in all, the scene was quite beautiful; a sharp contrast to all that had been going on.

“Why are we here?” Vance asked, interrupting my perusal of the external decor.

“The bullet that shot Eugene came from that way,” I pointed to the Circle. “Meaning that vantage point was taken. So, if you were going to be somewhere that would allow you to protect someone standing where I am, where would you go to perch?”

Everyone looked around. “We're looking up high, Missus Martini?”

“Yes, Mister White, we are.”

“Assassins like the high ground,” Vance said.

“Vance, you have hidden depths.”

“I keep on telling you that. It's hard to see, but if I was trying to cover everything, honestly, I'd be on top of the building we were just in. Gives you the best vantage point for the whole area. Your Embassy is taller, but it's also a lot farther away from the action. And you don't have any Christmas lights on either building, so it's easier to hide in the shadows up there.”

“I agree,” Claudia said slowly. “Especially if they were trying to get someone here.”

“No, actually, they were planning to protect someone here.”

“Want to explain that?” Lorraine asked.

“Not at this precise time. So, okay, I can buy that who we're looking for was on the roof of the Zoo. But how would Caroline or Amy have spotted anyone if they were on the roof?”

“Oh, I wouldn't have just one man on the roof of the Zoo, Ambassador,” a man's pleasant, and quite familiar voice said from behind me. “I'd have someone on top of Ireland's Embassy, too, lovely green and white Christmas lights or no. Which they did.”

Spun around to see a tallish man with a full beard in an overcoat that, per usual, hid whether he was pudgy, muscular, or both. “Mister Joel Oliver! I'm so glad to see you.”

“And it's always a pleasure to see you, Ambassador.” As he came nearer, I saw there was something on his shoulder. A shape I recognized. And didn't care for.

Chose to ignore the shape and maybe it'd go away. Or just stay silent. “Jeff's going to need to talk to you.”

“Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Bellie wants treats!” Sure enough, the Parrot From Hell was along for the ride. My luck was always consistent.

“Hush, Miss Bellie. We'll visit Jeff later. And I'll be happy to give our nation's newest representative any help I can.”

“Wow. You, as always, amaze.”

“I do what I can.”

“I think you know everyone here other than Va—”

“Vance Beaumont,” he said, cutting me off mid-word as he leaped over to offer his hand to Oliver. “I'm your biggest fan. Beautiful parrot, by the way.”

“Bellie likes Vance!”

“She is the biggest slut in the world, isn't she?” I asked whoever was in charge of my luck.

Oliver seemed stunned. “I have a fan?”

“Lots, but I'm the biggest,” Vance said as he did indeed continue to act like the biggest fanboy in existence. “Your exposé on Titan Security should be required reading for all law enforcement and politicians. May I give your bird a treat?”

“Bellie likes Vance! Bellie wants treats!”

Oliver looked at me. “Is he for real?”

“Yes!” Vance said. “I can't believe I get to work with Mister Joel Oliver!”

Claudia and Lorraine sidled closer to me. “Is he serious?” Lorraine asked quietly.

“He seems serious.” Seriously deranged.

“You find the most interesting people,” Claudia said carefully.

“Don't I though? Yeah, um, Vance, let's let go of the nice reporter and remember that we are in the middle of something big right now.”

“I can't wait to tell you what's going on,” Vance said to Oliver, clearly ignoring me. “You may have already put it together yourself, but haven't had enough to go public.”

“I think we're talking about different things,” Oliver said, shooting me the “help me, help me” look.

“Vance!”

He dragged his head around to sort of look at me. “Yes, Kitty?”

“Vance, I'm speaking as both the ambassador of the property we're standing on and as someone who's more than willing to kick you in any number of places. Let
go
of the nice reporter, back away, and focus. We are not on a field trip, he is not Steven Tyler or Joe Perry, and you are not twelve. Pull it together, dude, you're embarrassing me in front of my cool friends.”

Somehow, this got through. Vance let go of Oliver and looked embarrassed. “I just really think he's great,” he mumbled.

“I'm flattered,” Oliver said as he stepped closer to me and the girls. “Truly. However, as I was saying to the ambassador, I don't believe the assassins on either your roof or Ireland's are who shot Mister Montgomery.”

“They weren't. Remember Operation Assassination?”

“As if it were yesterday.”

“Well, the assassin who got arrested is out and gunning for his wife's killer.”

“Oh dear.” Oliver looked around. “I don't see Mister Buchanan with you.”

“Yeah, we're missing Malcolm, Christopher, Amy, Caroline, and someone I'll tell you about when we're not standing in the middle of the street, so to speak. Now, back to it—were you on Ireland's roof?”

“Yes, investigating. I'd suggest that you didn't need to verify for yourself, particularly since none of you are exactly dressed for scaling a building, but I know you and imagine you'll want to see for yourselves.”

“MJO, is this you telling us we
should
investigate, or is this you being resigned that we're going to waste time when you could just tell us what you found?”

“Ah, you've just come from spending time with the lovely Madam Olga?”

“Shockingly, no, I spared myself time in Remedial Class. But you and she do share some traits.”

“Well then, no, I'm not trying to be vague and secretive while making you really work for the information so you'll remember it better the next time I'm not around to help out. I went up onto Ireland's roof; I can tell someone was perched there for a while. He never fired a shot. And then he left. I was heading to look at the roof of this building when you came outside.”

“Super duper. I happen to know who was on top of that building, and therefore who was on top of the Zoo. However, I'd like to verify that we don't have dead bodies on the roof.”

Oliver nodded. “It's easiest to access the roof if we go inside.”

“It's also easy to see us and ask why we aren't powwowing with all the politicians.”

“We could use the fire escape,” Vance suggested, pointing to the metal ladder system that was on the side of the building where the walkway attached. The walkway was lit on the inside, and the glass meant it was very visible from the street. But that meant we could see well while climbing up cold, slippery, metal ladders.

“Now, see,
that
is why he's coming with us,” I said to Lorraine and Claudia. They didn't look convinced.

White went under the bottom of the fire escape and proved that white men could indeed jump. One leap and he had the bottom of the ladder. Easily. His weight brought the sliding portion down, and he held it in place.

“Mister White, you're the man.”

“I felt the need to show off, Missus Martini. No one's acted like I was important for at least a few minutes and my ego was getting terribly abused.”

“I'll fawn over you some more in a bit. Who's going first?”

“I'd like to,” Oliver said. “Chivalry and all that.”

“You got it.”

Oliver started up, then me, with Vance, Lorraine, and Claudia following, and White bringing up the rear. All of us other than Oliver were in evening dress. So much for not scaling buildings in our formalwear. Found myself hoping there were no other reporters hanging around.

Also found myself wondering why I'd been stupid enough to not take a coat. It wasn't the coldest winter—we had no snow, for example—but it was still cold enough, and I wasn't dressed for being outside. The few minutes I'd been out earlier I'd been inside the police van and preoccupied.

Vance and White were in suits, so they were probably fine, but by the time we reached the top, the girls and I were shivering. A-Cs originated on a world that had two suns, so they handled heat really well—to this day I'd never seen one of them sweat. Well, other than Jeff right before our wedding. However, cold was a different story.

“It's freezing up here, so let's make it snappy. MJO, do you see anything that says how many other people might have been up here, and where they went when they left, and Vance, do you want to share what the hell you think is going on?”

White started to take his jacket off, presumably to give it to one of us, but before he could, someone opened the door to the roof.

We all froze, literally and figuratively.

J
EFF STEPPED OUT,
carrying coats. He was wearing a trench coat that made him look, if it were possible, even more handsome. I did love seeing him in coats, one of the advantages of being in this part of the country. “You all really need to plan a little better.”

I was shocked that Bellie was silent. Shot a glance at Oliver—he had one hand holding her feet and one on her beak.

Jeff handed the coats out and helped me into mine while White and Vance helped Claudia and Lorraine into theirs. No one mentioned that all the women's coats were the same. I was just thrilled that the Elves had deigned to branch out and let us have fancy coats when we were dressed up. Once the girls were covered up, White and Vance put on the coats Jeff had brought them as well.

White's was also a trench—apparently they were Official Elf Issue For Cold But Non-Snowy Weather. Vance's was obviously his—a very trendy topcoat that I knew I'd seen in the
GQ
Fall Fashion issue. It looked great on him, but I knew it would look better on Reader. Reader, however, would undoubtedly have an Elf-Approved Trench. If he were joining us. Which I hoped he wasn't. I didn't enjoy him mad at me. And I knew he was mad at me already and would be madder to find me and the others out here.

Once everyone was covered up, Oliver let Bellie go. She screeched with joy and flew to Jeff's waiting hand. “Bellie missed Jeff!”

“Jeff missed Bellie,” he shared with much love in his tone.

“She's the sluttiest parrot in existence,” I muttered. My teeth were only chattering a little now. Jeff put his arm around me while Bellie moved onto his shoulder and started nuzzling him. “How'd you know we were here?”

“You mean aside from the fact that I'm tracking you and could emotionally feel what you were doing? I looked out the window. Fortunately, it was when I was being put on the spot yet again and everyone was faced toward me, so I don't think anyone else saw the six of you acting like Spiderman.”

“I'm so proud of the reference. How'd you find our coats?”

“That's what the Operations Team is for.”

“Okay, how'd you get out here?”

He sighed. “They all think I'm in the bathroom again.”

“Well, at least it's a useful excuse.”

“Yeah, it only lasts so long, however. Why are all of you on the roof? I haven't been able to give you my full attention because I've been too busy being told what my new job entails. It entails things I don't want to do, by the way.”

“I'm sure. We're figuring out who was where when.”

“Somehow, I think you think that was supposed to make sense. It doesn't, but I believe that you believe, baby.”

“I don't see much that would tell us more than that there were people up here and they aren't here any more,” Oliver said.

“Speaking of people who disappeared, Christopher's back,” Jeff told me. “He found Buchanan.” There was an edge to Jeff's tone I didn't like.

“Is Malcolm okay?”

“Well, he's alive, and appears to be in one piece, so that's good. He's in the infirmary—Tito, Magdalena, Melanie, and Emily are working on him.”

“Oh my God, how badly is he hurt?”

“As far as any of us, Christopher included, can tell? Not at all. But he's unconscious and can't be roused.” Jeff hugged me. “We'll figure it out, baby.”

“Where was he?”

“In the tunnels. Alone. Miles, and I do mean miles, away from where he should have been. Christopher's pretty sure there was a motorized vehicle of some kind down there. No sign of your other ‘friend'. But where exactly is really interesting.”

“Can't wait? Where, exactly, was Malcolm?”

“Right under Gaultier Enterprises' research facility, positioned just out of sight of the cameras we have there.”

“Wow, you're not kidding about being far away. I wonder if that's supposed to be a clue?”

“Maybe. Who knocks a guy out and leaves him as a clue?”

“Everyone we interact with.”

“Good point. But what kind of clue?”

“Well, my ‘uncle' said the special package I received had a bioweapon in it. What if someone's tested that on Malcolm?” Hated this idea the moment it came out of my mouth, because it seemed oh-so-likely to be right on.

Jeff hugged me tighter. “If that's what it is, baby, I promise we'll figure it out. Tito's created a cure for humans so they can move at hyperspeed and not get sick. He can figure this out, too.”

“I hope so.” Chose not to mention that Tito had had plenty of time to work on and perfect his Hyperspeed Dramamine, and no one was going to die if he hadn't created it just right.

It was late and I was cold and tired and needed to stop thinking about failure in any and all ways. We needed to find Amy and Caroline so I could check and make sure Malcolm was okay, and then go to bed.

Considered our options. They seemed slim. Well, I had one option left. Dug out the burner phone the Dingo had given me and dialed the one number on it. The phone rang, and didn't go to voicemail. But it didn't pick up, either.

Jeff stopped his Bellie snuggling with a jerk. “I hear a phone ringing.”

“It's on the other end of my call.”

“No.” Jeff handed Bellie back to Oliver and took my hand. “No, it's coming from that way.” He pointed to the Embassy's roof.

Contemplated our options. They seemed about as slim as our earlier options had been. “I guess we need to go back down and inside. And back out again.”

Jeff looked over the side. “I closed the drapes on the third and fourth floors before I came up here. And the squatters keep their shades closed because they don't like to see moonlight, let alone sunlight.”

“Why do we want to go back down via the fire escape?”

“Because there's a straighter line.” Jeff pointed to the walkway.

White shrugged. “I know the walkway can handle our weight, Jeffrey. And the fire escape is near enough that I believe we can safely handle the leap.”

“Leap?” Vance asked.

“We're not jumping down three floors, are we?”

Jeff snorted. “No. Just about half of one.”

“Um, excuse me? Half of one?”

“Maybe all of one. C'mon, baby.” Jeff started down the fire escape. He was about at the third floor level when he jumped off and over and landed on the top of the walkway.

I could stand up here, go inside, or support my husband's plan. Chose to go with the latter, in the hopes that he was right, we wouldn't all die, and I'd earn some Good Wife Points.

Hung up the burner phone, put it back into my purse, and started back down the stupid fire escape we'd just climbed up. Slipped a few times, but managed not to scream, only because I had my teeth clenched.

“Jump now, baby,” Jeff said.

“I'm at like the fourth floor.”

“When have I not caught you?” He had a point. Turned and jumped toward him. I only screamed a little. “There we go,” he said as he caught me and put me down gently. “Safe and sound. Supposedly you do stuff like this all the time, even when I'm not around.”

“I'm usually the one in the lead and in jeans and my Converse, not a designer cocktail dress, a velvet opera coat, and high heels.”

“You're doing great as always, baby. And you look fabulous doing it, too. Next!”

Oliver insisted on going down next. He waited to jump until he was much closer to the walkway, despite Jeff's encouragement for him to go for it sooner.

Lorraine was next, and she jumped when Jeff told her to. Same with Claudia. Both girls seemed to enjoy the thrill. I'd really turned them into adrenaline junkies.

Vance was next, and if I'd been careful, he was caution personified. He was so slow that White started off after him, jumped at the bottom of the fourth floor, and landed without Jeff's help, all before Vance had made it to the middle of the fourth floor.

“Show off.”

White and Jeff both laughed. “It's not as difficult for us to land well,” White explained, while Jeff cajoled Vance down the ladder.

“Who's going to catch me?” Vance asked.

“No one,” I replied. “Because you'll like it too much.”

“Bitch.”

“You know it. Hurry up, Vance. It's going to be Christmas by the time you reach the rest of us.”

He got to about where Oliver had jumped, whimpered audibly, and leaped. Lorraine and White grabbed his arms and pulled him fully onto the top of the walkway. “That was the most pathetic jump I've ever seen,” Lorraine said.

“Whatever. My God, is this what you people do for fun?”

Jeff grinned and took my hand. “Buddy up with the humans,” he said to Lorraine and Claudia. Then he took off for the Embassy. Showing judgment, Lorraine and Claudia both took a hold of Oliver. White grabbed Vance, and they all ran after us.

Since we were going at hyperspeed, we reached the Embassy in about two seconds. However, we now only had to get up five floors. The wisdom of this gambit was eluding me.

“There's the fire escape,” Vance said. “And does that pill the doctor gave me kick in late or what? I want to barf.”

“That's from you getting upset over the jumping,” Oliver said. “You'd be much worse without Doctor Hernandez's cure.”

“You have a bottle of pills, MJO?”

“I acquired some, yes.”

Chose not to ask him how. “Super. Um, Jeff? What's the plan now?”

The fire escape wasn't as conveniently placed as the one at the Zoo. We had to leap over from the top of the walkway a good ten feet. I wasn't liking our odds.

“Who's first?” Jeff asked. “I think it has to be me or Richard.”

“You go, Jeffrey,” White said. “You're the strongest and have the longest reach in case someone doesn't jump well enough.”

Jeff kissed me and, without any hesitation, jumped to the fire escape. He made it without issue. “Come on, baby. Don't worry, I'll catch you again.”

As I backed up, contemplated whether to keep my heels on or not, decided I should since it wasn't slippery here, and started to run, it dawned on me that Jeff was, despite the circumstances, having fun.

The leap wasn't too bad—my track coaches had ensured every one of us could do every event, and I'd been okay with long jump—but Jeff was there to grab and catch me anyway. It wasn't quite the same as when he caught me as I dropped from a great height, but it was still nice—two catches in one night. And, you know, the likelihood that I'd fall from up high was getting better with each passing moment. If I was clumsy enough, we could get a triple. Go us.

Started up the ladder as the others contemplated how to get Vance and Oliver across without worry. I reached the top while they were still discussing it. Conveniently, I had an easy answer.

“Hey guys! Someone went this way before and left us a path.” A sturdy rope was tied quite well to some metal on the roof, right over the walkway. Clearly my Assassination Uncles planned well.

Tossed the rope down while Jeff climbed up the fire escape using hyperspeed and then helped me hold the rope and help the others up. Oliver had a little trouble—Bellie flew off his shoulder to perch on Jeff's, but apparently only so she could squawk enthusiastic encouragement.

Oliver up, Lorraine and Claudia went up next. They used hyperspeed and were up in no time. “This is so much more fun than that dinner party was,” Lorraine said with sincerity.

“Totally,” Claudia agreed. “Not that the party wasn't nice, Kitty.”

“If you were into uncomfortable small talk and murder, it was great, yeah. What's the holdup?” I shouted down to Vance and White, though I had a good guess.

“I wasn't an athlete in school,” Vance shot back. “This is giving me horrible flashbacks from the parts of gym I didn't like, which was all parts of it other than the locker room and showers.”

“Time's wasting. Climb the rope or jump to the ladder. Or stay there and we'll get you later.”

“You know, I think I want to stop being your friend.”

“You're not actually in the Friend Zone yet, Vance.”

“Something to motivate me.” He started climbing up and either he was the best actor in the world, or he really sucked at this.

White shook his head. “This is embarrassing. Young man, let's go for a version of the fireman's carry, shall we?” He helped Vance down the whole two inches he'd managed to climb. Vance then got on White's back, and they started up.

“You're letting your uncle do the heavy lifting?”

Jeff shrugged. “He's enjoying himself.”

“So are you.”

Jeff grinned. “Yeah, I am.” As White got nearer to the top, Jeff reached down and grabbed Vance's shirt and jacket, and hauled him up. White zipped up the rest of the way.

“This has been, without a doubt, the least fun I've ever had breaking and entering,” Vance said. “So, now that we're here the hard way, what's next?”