Alive (16 page)

We fall into a relaxed silence. Comfortable, like a pair of old fluffy socks. If I wanted to be the type of girl who still loved staying home in her pair of old fluffy socks, this would be
great. But I’m not. There’s been plenty of time for fuzzy socks, drawstring pants, and other articles of clothing that should never be worn outside the home.

“Henry, I kissed him,” I blurt.

He looks at me heavy-lidded for a moment. “Oh.”

“It just happened and—look, it’s not like I planned this. Any of this.” My voice pleads with him. Henry stares out the front windshield now speckled with raindrops,
motionless. “I wanted to at least talk to you first. You know…before.”

A ten-pound weight settles itself somewhere between my belly button and rib cage, pressing into my gut until I can hardly breathe. “Please don’t be mad.”

Henry’s ears are red. He moves to put his cap back on, covering his mess of curls in one practiced motion. “Not mad.”

We listen to the engine hum and the vents blast hot air. I stay twisted in my seat, scrutinizing Henry’s profile for the slightest hint of what he might be thinking. The straight line of
his nose. The dark freckle that sits underneath the corner of his left eye. Not knowing what to do, I start to drive faster in the direction of school, past aluminum mailboxes with their red flags
standing at attention, past overflowing trash cans lined up on the curb and past strangers walking their dogs on leashes, plastic baggies swinging in sync.

I sneak glances at Henry every few minutes, but each time his posture, his expression, they’re the same. A couple blocks from school, I can’t stand it anymore. The silence is
maddening.

“Henry, say something.”

Henry’s cheeks puff out. “What do you want me to say, Stella?” His voice is calm, which might be the worst part. I wish he’d yell at me. Tell me what a selfish bitch I am
or what a shitty friend I’ve turned out to be. Anything would be better than this: disappointment.

“I don’t know. Anything.”

“Okay.” He swipes his hands over his khakis. “Look, Stel, I know what happens on dates. I’ve gone on a few. I’m not an idiot.” The rain picks up and I flip on
my windshield wipers. “There. I said something.”

“I never thought you were an idiot.” A line of cars jams the dirt path leading into the student parking lot. I have to cut off a sophomore driving a silver Beamer to get in.
“But I don’t want you to hate me.”

At that, his lips press together and a dimple forms at the top of his cheek. It strikes me that most girls would think it’s adorable, but not me. I can’t. I’m not allowed to.
Not anymore. He says nothing, but he doesn’t have to. I don’t need someone to tell me that what I’ve just said might be the most self-involved thing imaginable. Never mind how
Henry feels. Let’s make sure that everyone still likes Stella.

I resist the urge to beat my head against the steering wheel and instead wedge the Jetta into a tight parking space between a truck and a red minivan. A cheerful chime comes from my phone in the
cupholder. I slip it out to sneak a peek at the screen. Levi and I have been texting nonstop since Saturday.

“Is that him?”

“Sorry.” I say, shifting the gear and refusing to look Henry in the eye. “It’s just that I never—”

Henry’s hand is on the latch and he yanks it open. “You did, Stella,” he says, one foot planted on the asphalt outside. There are splotches on his neck. He waits several
breaths before driving in the last spike. “You gave me my answer. Just now.”

“Hey, stranger,” Levi greets me, sliding to the side of my locker door. The feeling left over from my confrontation with Henry melts. I’m free. Or at least I
think I am. A rip of electricity runs down the length of my scar. I shudder as the memory of Levi shredding through me at the seams bubbles to the surface.
Not
a memory, I silently scold. A
dream
. I force a timid smile and shake off the vestiges of what was no more than a nightmare. A scary, pain-in-the-butt nightmare. Next thing I know, I’ll be asking my dad to check
under my bed for monsters. “What’d you do yesterday?”

“Um, nothing much. Hung out with my family.” I immediately wish I’d done something noteworthy. “You?”

“Not much. I went out to the cemetery for a bit.” He shrugs.

“Cemetery?”
I ask, turning the dial to my lock and popping open the door. “Did, you, er, did you lose someone?” I ask, trying to sound casual and not as if
I’d already suspected as much. I’ve never been to a cemetery. Not even when my grandmother died. My parents had decided it wasn’t the sort of place I needed to be. Strangely
enough, I agreed.

“Yeah.” His lips press together.

I remember the moment at Pike Place and his unreadable expression.
Not everything or everyone lasts
. I feel like this is something I should know even if whatever-we-are is new. But when
he doesn’t volunteer more, I satisfy myself with a curt nod. This isn’t the time to play detective. Dead people are strictly off limits, even for me.

He shoulder-bumps me playfully. “And played basketball,” he adds, clearly trying to lighten the mood.

I can’t help it, though. I’m intrigued.

I grab my books and Levi takes them from me, cradling them as we walk together. Rain thunders against the windows and the musky smell of a storm percolates through the walls. Levi cuts across my
path and leans against the door to the quad. Droplets explode on the glass and dribble down in zigzag lines. The picnic tables and red brick of the courtyard are soaking as though they’ve
been set under one big faucet turned all the way left.

He grins. “Shortcut?”

I lift an eyebrow, craning around him for a view of the torrential downpour that has built to a crescendo from its trickle not fifteen minutes earlier. For an instant, I worry about my curls,
about the time I spent this morning arranging them perfectly. Then suddenly I couldn’t care less, because Levi’s tugging at my hand and we’re making our way directly across the
quadrangle, water flipping up on our pants.

“You’re crazy,” I yell up at him, because he’s a few steps ahead. I realize that if it weren’t for him escorting me to my class, he probably wouldn’t have had
to get wet at all.

On the other side of the quad, once under the cover of the east building, Levi rumples his hair with his hand, sending droplets flying everywhere. I squint against them while trying to run
fingers through my own tangled mane.

We both laugh and out of the corner of my eye, I see Tess standing there staring at us,
her
hair freshly coifed and slicked back in her signature Burberry headband. She probably has the
umbrella to match. Levi hands me my books and tells me he’ll see me at lunch; then, when I’m not expecting it, he leans down and plants a kiss on my lips for everyone to see.

I die.

I mean, almost.

When our lips part, I can feel my face flush with embarrassment and pride, two things I never knew went together until this instant. There’s a brief fraction of a moment when I try to feel
a pinch of guilt—over Henry—but I can’t. I’m too happy. I wander into class, soaked, and by lunchtime, we’re a couple. Everybody’s talking about it. That’s
what Brynn tells me, anyhow, as we walk to lunch. And it’s as if my transformation is nearly complete.
Nearly
.

“I’ve never seen a guy without any commitment issues,” Brynn remarks. “He’s like an endangered species or something.” The rain’s stopped but our
hair’s still wet. In true Brynn fashion, she’d volunteered to ignore our previous argument in exchange for the details of my date with Levi. I considered this more than fair.

“I know.” I hug my textbook to my chest. It’s throbbing again and I’m wondering at this point if I should call Dr. Belkin. “Something has to be wrong with him,
right?”

“Maybe he’s older than we are. He looks mature. Have you asked him?” We pass the portables and I skip my usual bathroom trip at the math building.

“No, but he hasn’t said he was held back or anything. I’m thinking maybe he’s just more evolved?”

“Evolved, huh?” Brynn twists the metal barb in her eyebrow. “How very Darwinian of you.”

“He said he was at the cemetery this weekend, Brynn.” I’ve been waiting to confide in her about this particular tidbit.

Brynn’s face screws up like she’s just mixed toothpaste with orange juice. “The cemetery? Who died?”

“Don’t know that part yet.” I frown. “Maybe that’s why he’s in school here, though.”

Brynn grabs my arm. “Oh! What if he, like, lost his girlfriend or something? How tragic would that be?”

“Brynn!” My heart sinks. “I hadn’t thought of that. How the hell would I ever live up to a dead girlfriend?”

Brynn opens the door to the cafeteria for me since my hands are full. “Don’t worry. It’s probably his mom.”

I crack a smile and pray that I’m not risking eternal damnation for preferring a dead mother over a dead girlfriend. Our table comes into view and at it is a new addition. There, at the
spot usually next to mine, Levi sits chatting with Lydia, who’s busy belly-laughing, apparently at something he said.

“I guess it doesn’t matter either way.” My pace quickens as I hurry to close the distance between me and Levi. Is he flirting? I shake the thought from my head, writing it off
at once as either pathetic or paranoid. Most likely both.

“Not when you look like that it doesn’t,” Brynn finishes.

I shoot a look at my best friend, who’s ogling my boyfriend. “Amen,” I say, because you can’t blame a girl for good taste.

I slide in next to Levi, who pats my leg. When he’s not looking, Lydia gives me a thumbs-up, her eyes crinkled and glistening at the corners with tears of laughter. I can’t help it:
I beam.

“Hey, man,” Levi says, mouth full of pizza. I glance up to see Henry, holding his tray, frozen midstride.

He blinks twice in rapid succession and then seems to reanimate, striding quickly the rest of the way. Brynn and I share a look.

“Hey,” he responds, setting down his food.

“Thanks again for those tickets.” Levi reaches across the table and holds out his hand, which Henry stares at a moment before shaking. “Concert was awesome. Really appreciate
it. We had a great time.” Levi’s arm wraps around my shoulder and he pulls me into him. Like magic, the aching in my chest vanishes.

Henry stabs his fork into a Tater Tot. “I heard.”

“What’d you end up doing?” I ask tentatively. We hadn’t gotten to that in the car and I’m determined to make this whole thing
normal
.

Henry pops the tot into his mouth and looks me square in the eyes. “Got drunk with Ty.”

I shouldn’t care, but the statement jabs at me like a screwdriver. “Okay…” I roll my eyes. “Good for you.”

He lifts his eyebrows and stabs his fork into another Tater Tot. Two points for my evolution theory, I guess. Levi’s chowing down on a soggy hamburger, oblivious.

“Awkward,” Brynn sings, as she fiddles with a piercing at the top of her ear. The tension only increases. “Anyway…who’s going to Mitchell’s next week?”
she asks, ignoring the ticking atomic bomb that’s set to go off at our table.

“Me!” Lydia pipes up. “His parents haven’t gone out of town in ages.”

“Henry…?” Brynn pokes his shoulder as if poking a bear.

He pulls his hat down lower. “I’ll be there.”

“Great! It’ll be like Stella’s official-official debut. And I guess Levi’s, too. Are you in?”

“I assume we’re talking about a party?”

“No shit, Sherlock,” says Henry.

Stunned, I feel my mouth clamp shut. I’ve never seen Henry act this way. He’s the resident nice guy, good student, teachers love having him in class. He asks girls on proper dates
and I’ve never once heard of him kissing and telling, and, let’s face it, I’m positive he’s had things to kiss and tell about.

For his part, Levi lets the comment go. Instead, he pulls me closer with the arm that’s already draped around my shoulders. Henry’s eyes disappear under the shadow of his cap.

Levi must know the choice I’ve made. I only hope it’s worth the cost.

It’s both comforting and unnerving to learn that the most important person in your life may be someone you haven’t met yet. That alone can make you feel not nearly
as balanced or grown-up as you’d previously thought. At seventeen, I’ve already had to learn this twice. The first time was when I received a heart transplant from a stranger. The
second was when I met Levi.

As a girl who loves rules and turning homework in on time, I’ve always reserved special contempt for those old married couples who met and got married five days later, like that’s a
reasonable life plan. Since middle school, I’ve had a planner filled with reminders of twice-daily swim practices and school somewhere in between. Then, once I reached high school, I included
AP tests, SAT prep, and application deadlines that reached far into the future. There would have been no way I’d fit in a whirlwind romance. Until Levi.

Ever since the day we met, we’ve stuck together like Bonnie and Clyde. I find an endless number of things to be fascinated by. Like how Levi once rented a van and followed Pearl Jam on
tour all the way to the East Coast. Or how he worked at Pike Place one summer and ate fresh fish on the docks as if it were sushi. Or the time he hijacked the microphone and sang onstage at
Blacksmith Lounge.