Alive (25 page)

The muscles in my shoulders relax and I climb out of the car, boots sinking into the soft ground. Mist clings to my hair as I wait for Levi to come around the other side.

We find Brynn sitting on a marble kitchen counter, taking sips of something clear out of a shot glass.

“I think you’re supposed to take that all at once,” I say, poking her in the arm.

“Stella!” Brynn squeals. “You made it!” Her eyelids are droopy and her nose is red. “And you brought Levi!” She reaches her arms out wide and Levi hesitantly
leans in for a hug.

“Wouldn’t miss it.”

“You’re drunk,” I tell her.

“So?”

I crack my knuckles, not wanting to look her in the eye. Why should I care if she’s been drinking without me?

“Stella.” Her face is blank for a moment before a lopsided grin stretches over it. “I’m only a little drunk. Swear.” She holds her pinky out for me to take and I
do, hooking my finger around hers like we’d done so many times before. Meanwhile, I try to shove down the hurt of being left out of her life and of life in general once more.

As if sensing my mood, Levi’s at my elbow with a red cup full of beer. “Here you go. Cheers.” He holds up a plastic cup for me as he takes a swig.

I stare at it. “I’d rather have what
she’s
having.” I point at Brynn’s shot glass. He lifts his eyebrows but doesn’t object and instead pulls a
University of Washington shot glass off the counter.

I down the vodka in one gulp. It scorches my throat on the way down and I start to choke.

“Stella Cross, ladies and gentlemen!” Brynn whoops and cheers for me.

I smile, wiping my mouth. Take that, Old Stella. Levi slaps me on the back until my eyes quit watering. I take the beer back from him and take a long sip to hide my embarrassment.

“Soo. Are you two going to…” She smacks the heels of her hands together. “You know—is tonight the night?”

“Brynn!” I yell, nearly dropping my own cup. “Don’t be such a bitch!”

As if in slow motion, Brynn covers her mouth with her hand. “My bad.” She slurs. “I just thought—”

I can’t look Levi in the eye.

“Where’s
your
boyfriend?” he asks Brynn smoothly.

Brynn’s nose wrinkles and she cocks her head at Levi. “Boyfriend?” We share a look. I’m still mortified by what she said, but I’m also confused now. I have no idea
what Levi’s talking about. Last time I checked, Brynn had almost had sex with Davis Briggs after Homecoming, but she’d stopped short because she said Davis kissed like a gorilla and she
didn’t want her first time to be someone who reminded her of an ape. I’m pretty sure Brynn just chickened out, but the gorilla-kissing thing stuck with poor Davis and I don’t
think he’s had a date since. In any event, that hardly qualifies as boyfriend material. I can’t imagine Brynn having the patience for one.

“Yeah, what’s his name?” Levi snaps his fingers. “Henry, is it?”

I playfully shove Levi’s shoulder. “Come on, you know who Henry is.” And, I add silently, you know he’s not Brynn’s boyfriend.

“Henry?” Brynn hesitates. “Trust me, he’s not
my
boyfriend.” She gives me a meaningful look, because he was supposed to be mine.

I tug at the sleeve of Levi’s T-shirt until he bends down so I can whisper in his ear. “What was that?” I ask, annoyed.

Levi winks at me. “Just thought maybe I could plant a seed, that’s all. You don’t mind. Do you?” He ruffles the hair on top of my head. I look off to the side to hide how
much I mind. He pinches my chin between his thumb and forefinger and brings his face closer to mine. “Do you?” he asks again.

“No.” I pull away. “Of course not.” I know then that this isn’t Levi playing the clueless boyfriend. This thing about Henry…He’s testing me.

He kisses my cheek. “Good girl,” he says, squeezing me to his side. A test I’ve passed apparently, at least according to his rules.

Lydia comes over and gives me a hug. She’s dressed up in a jean skirt and a long-sleeved red shirt. Her hair’s been pressed into a bun to reveal gold chandelier earrings and, unlike
Brynn’s, her eyes are bright and clear. “Have you ever been out here?”

“First time,” Levi and I say at once.

Lydia lifts an eyebrow. “Have you all seen Henry? He said he’d be here by eleven.”

“Weird. We were just talking about him.” Levi nudges me again.

I ignore him, wishing he would just drop it. “No.” I shrug. “We just got here.”

She looks over her shoulder at the front door and flips her hair.

“Hey.” I turn to Levi. His eyes are sparkling at the mention of Henry’s name again. It’s like he thinks we’re in on a joke together, only I don’t think
it’s funny. “I’ve, uh, got to run to the restroom. Can you wait here for a sec?” I feel bad leaving him unattended at a party where he barely knows anyone, but I need to
regroup.

I know, I know, people are always saying communication is the key to any good relationship, but when it’s an hour before a guy is supposed to see you au naturel for the first time ever,
there has to be some sort of exception.

“I think I can manage.” He looks adorable, as usual, and it’s easy to forget, without even trying, that he had just been poking at me about Henry two seconds earlier.

“I’m sure you can,” I say.

“Thanks.” He kisses me on the cheek. “I’ll be right here.”

I take an educated guess that the closest, least occupied bathroom will be upstairs and start threading my way through the throng of people. There are a handful of unfamiliar faces—kids
from other schools, I guess.

Someone sloshes beer on me, leaving a big wet spot on my pant leg. Fantastic. I’m close to the speakers now, which are situated by the couch in the living room. A new song starts up. Loud.
A rap song I’ve never heard, and it vibrates through my chest.

There’s a line that reaches partway down the top of the stairs and I climb to meet the back of it. So much for thinking I was two steps ahead of everyone else. I tap my foot while I wait
impatiently. I knew I should have gone before.

It takes at least fifteen minutes until it’s my turn. Rachel Cami opens up the door and I dart inside, where I find a hair dryer and manage to shrink the spot on my pants to the point it
doesn’t look like I had an accident.

When I’m finished, I examine my reflection, wishing I’d stuffed a tube of Chap Stick in my back pocket. “You’re fine,” I tell myself. “You and Levi are
fine.”

I use the tips of my fingers to tousle my hair, then flip it upside down and back over to give it some volume. “Better.”

There’s pounding on the door. “Are two people in there? Because some of us have to go!” I shrink, having forgotten that people may be able to hear me.

“Coming!” I finish up and hurry downstairs. I’m almost in the kitchen when there’s a tap on my shoulder. Whirling around, I’m met with a skinny frame and a
baby-blue polo. My eyes travel up to meet Henry’s.

“Hey.” He shifts his weight on his feet. We haven’t spoken since our fight. I’m not sure if I’m mad or if I feel sorry or what. It’s complicated.
There’s too much left unsaid.

“Hey,” I repeat, avoiding his eyes. Craning my neck, I look into the kitchen, but there’s no sign of Levi.

Henry sighs. “Okay then.” His hands get shoved in his pockets. “Look, I, uh…I don’t want things to be weird. You know, between us.”

“They’re not.” I cross my arms.

“Right.”

I can’t help it. I look for Levi again and spot him through the back door talking to Tess. An involuntary quiver passes through me. The rational part of me knows that whatever I saw or
didn’t see was nothing more than my brain playing tricks, but I can’t look at her without imagining that spot at the top of her head crowned in blood. And even still, the fact that
he’s talking to her after she’d been such an asshole to me feels suspiciously like betrayal.

But he’s right there, I tell myself, returning my attention to Henry. Don’t jump to conclusions.

I see Henry take note. He takes a deep breath, shutting his eyes for a moment longer than a blink. “I know you’re mad at me, Stella, and I can’t stand it, okay? Seriously,
it’s eating at me. So can we just forget I said anything? I’m sorry. You’re right. It’s none of my business.” He rubs at his forehead with the back of his hand.

I soften. I wasn’t expecting an apology. I’m not even sure I deserve one. “Fine. I’m sorry, too. About—”

Henry shakes his head. “No need to relive that. Thanks, though. Anyway, I thought you and—”

“Levi,” I supply.

“Right. I thought you guys would have been officially stitched together by now.”

“Hilarious. I was actually going to head back to him right now.” A piece of me feels guilty for being in such a hurry. Henry’s right. The two of us
are
practically
joined at the hip. “I, um, I think Lydia was looking for you, though,” I say.

Only a brief flash of disappointment registers on Henry’s face when I drop him off at the kitchen and step out onto the deck, but there’s no sign of Levi or Tess. A dozen or so of my
classmates are standing outside, drinking and smoking cigarettes. I ask a girl if she’s seen Levi and she tells me he was here a minute ago.

The throb in my chest suddenly radiates pain. I duck back inside and ask Lydia if she’s seen Levi.

“Not in a bit. He went to get something to drink, I think. I don’t know, sorry.” She goes back to talking to Henry, who only offers me one more fleeting glance, but he’s
shut back down at the mention of Levi.

Trying to stay calm, I walk through the house, checking every face, looking for Levi. The living room, the basement, outside where the guys are playing beer pong. He’s nowhere.

With leaden steps, I trudge up the stairs to the second story, past the line of girls waiting for the restroom.
Don’t freak out, Stella,
I tell myself, but it doesn’t do much
good. My mind races ahead of me and the raw spot in my chest has opened up into a roaring cavern of pain. Huffing, I make it to the top of the staircase and turn left down a dark hallway.

The carpet mutes the sound of my footsteps. I pass an open room and poke my head inside. A ray of moonlight slices through the empty study, casting a silvery glow over a heavy, claw-footed desk
and towering bookshelves. A rocking chair teeters unoccupied in the corner next to the window.

With no Levi in sight, I move on. Mitchell would probably kill me if he caught me up here. As I pad down the hallway, I stop at the sound of a giggle escaping from behind a closed door.

I step back a few paces and stare at the door. Another squeal. Eyes wide, I press my ear to the door and listen. There’s the sound of muffled rustling. A few grunts. The creak of a bed. My
nails dig into my palm. There’s a guy’s voice. I can’t make out the words. They’re soft, dampened by the wood between us.

The pieces fall into place, tearing into me like plummeting shards of glass. It’s him. It has to be him. Where else would he have gone? Without thinking any further, I shove open the
door.

One shadowy figure lurches out of bed, pulling the comforter as he goes, while the other sits up pin straight. “Stella?”

My eyes adjust as what little light the hallway contains floods into the bedroom. “Brynn?” Her eyes shine in the darkness. Her hair is ratted and her arms are wrapped protectively
over her exposed top.

“What are
you
doing here?”

My mouth works, struggling to produce words. “I was looking—I thought—”

There’s a rustling of fabric and then Brynn crawls out of the bed wrapped in a sheet. Another figure moves in the background. “Stay there, Connor,” she snaps.

Brynn shuffles toward me. She gives me a quick once-over and seems to assess me as the crazy one, even though she’s standing there undressed. “What’s wrong? What’s going
on?”

“I can’t find him. I can’t find him anywhere.”

“Who? Levi?”

I try to leave, eager to return to my search, but she catches my elbow. “Stella,” she says seriously, “get a grip. You’re going overboard.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Don’t you think you’re being a little obsessive?”

“Shut up, Brynn.”

“No, Stel. Look at you. You’re crying.” I hadn’t even noticed. “You think this is normal?”

“Shut
up
,” I repeat.

“I’m sorry, but I—”

“You’re jealous. Excuse me for having something that doesn’t involve you.” I say this without thinking. Like my mouth has a mind of its own and I’m only along for
the ride. I push every inch of pain out and try to inflict it on anybody else but me. “Admit it. You can’t handle it.”

“
I
can’t handle it?” she hisses. “Do I look like the one not handling things?”

“Let go of me.” I wrench my arm free. She stares at me, openmouthed.

“Stel, stop. This isn’t you.” She hikes up the sheets and follows me. “He’s not worth this.”

At the stairs, she stops trailing me, peering down at the partygoers with still nothing on but the Boernes’ bedding. I turn back to her. The pain in my chest flares. “How would you
know? If you’re such a relationship expert, how come you’ve never been in one?” My stomach begins to ferment in a sticky, swampy consistency that makes me feel as if I’m
about to hurl.

Brynn and I storm off in opposite directions. A door slams upstairs. I pound my fist to my forehead. My chest radiates pain to the point that my breathing is now shallow. Oxygen flows into my
lungs in tiny swigs. Where is he? I pull out my phone and call Levi. No answer. I don’t even know why I’m so panicked, but my armpits are sweating and I’m starting to get dizzy,
so that must be what it is. Panic.

I just saw him on the deck talking to Tess. That must have been when he went to get a drink, but where’d he go from there? He wasn’t hooking up with anyone upstairs. That much
I’ve ruled out, at least.

I stagger downstairs and outside through the growing crowd of people. The cold air hits me and I gulp it in, as if I’ve only just now realized how cramped it’d been in there. My legs
are as wobbly as if I’d spent a month bedridden, only I haven’t. Not this time. I make my way across the yard to where Levi parked. The Tahoe’s still there, not that he’s in
it. But it’s there and I’m comforted, if only a little.