All For Anna (43 page)

He
leaned in and kissed my forehead as a familiar warmth spread through me.

Why...why
does this have to be so hard?

Why
when I’m leaving do I have to feel this way?

Stop
running.

I saw
my parents round the corner, my mom’s hand moving to cover her heart as our
eyes met. She hugged me close and then grabbed Kai, kissing him on the cheek
and thanking him profusely for his help.

“You’re
welcome, but it’s this lady here who should get the credit,” Kai said looking
at me.

My mom
hugged me again and then knocked on the door to Stacie’s room. She and my
father entered together. A moment later I heard Stacie call for me. I reached
for Kai’s hand and headed for the door. Kai hesitated, pulling his arm back
gently from my grasp.

“Come
on. Let’s go in.” I stared at him confused.

He
shoved his hands into his jean pockets, his face pensive. “I don’t think I
should go in, Tori. This is
your
family. It’s a special day for all of
you. I’ll just hang out here for a bit.”

It was
easy for me to forget at times that Kai had feelings, too. So often I thought
only of the way our breakup had affected me. I was selfish to think like that.
The things that had transpired between us
had
affected him.

I
could see that now, in his eyes.

“I’m
sorry Kai...I don’t know what to-”

“Go
on...go enjoy your special moments with your family. I’ll wait out here.”

**********

The
picture inside that hospital room was beautiful. Parents, grandparents, and an
auntie all surrounded this precious little life. We took turns holding her,
swooning over her every sigh. This baby girl had stolen all our hearts in just
a matter of hours.

This
little girl had brought us together. I looked at Stacie. She was still so weak
and frail, but her face was overcome with love and adoration.

I had
spent so much time and energy questioning God’s goodness, questioning His will,
but today I saw Him with fresh eyes. God didn’t
cause
pain. God didn’t
cause
tragedy, but God could make beauty from the ashes of our lives. My niece was
just one example of that.

“Is
Kai still here?” Jack asked.

“I
think so, he said he was going to stay out in the hallway for now,” I said.

“
What?
Go get him, Jack. He’s just as much a part of this celebration as we are, plus
we need to tell ya’ll her name. We finally agreed on one,” Stacie said,
laughing lightly.

Kai
walked into the room with Jack. He stood several few feet away from me. My
heart ached to be closer, but I knew he was trying to keep his distance. I had
to respect that. I had given away my right to wish for anything more.

I
remained near the head of Stacie’s bed. She looked from me to Kai.

“You
both deserve a
thank
you
that’s bigger than anything we could
ever do or say...” She grabbed Jack’s hand, shaking her head as tears streamed
down her face. Jack smiled and took over for her.

“What
she wants to say, is that we are so grateful to you both and because of that,
we’d like to name our daughter in your honor. We have chosen a name that is a
part of you both,” Jack said.

My
mother burst into tears as my father wrapped his arm around her shoulder,
smiling proudly. I looked over at Kai who appeared just as surprised as I was.

“Her
name is Kailynn Grace- Kailynn after Kai and Grace after Tori’s middle name,”
Stacie said.

Until
that moment, I had never cared about my middle name or its defined meaning.
Today that changed. It was by
grace
alone that Kailynn was born healthy,
to a mother that suffered no long-term effects of her birth. 

Jack
carried Kailynn across the room, laying her in Kai’s arms. His smile was
unmatched. Stacie’s touch on my hand pulled me back to reality.

“I
need to apologize for what I said before, and how I said it.”

I
looked at her puzzled.

“Back
at the house—the Africa stuff. I’m still not happy about it and I don’t want
you to go, but I wasn’t kind. I’m sorry for the things I said, Tori.”

I
nodded, feeling my blood turn cold inside my veins.

The
room was a tight fit with all the bodies we had crammed into it. The odds that
our conversation had been ignored were not good. I could feel my mother’s gaze
on us and I knew it was only a matter of seconds before the truth came out.
Nausea hit as I looked from my parents, to Jack, to Kai.

All
attention was on me.

“What’s
going on? What’s Stacie talking about, Tori?” my mother asked.

I
exhaled hard, gripping the side of Stacie’s bed rail.

“I...I’ve
just been accepted into a nursing exchange program,” I said.

“But
we’ve just got you
back
,” my mother said.

“Phoenix
is hardly
Africa
, Mom,” Stacie said, pointedly.

“
Africa?
”
My dad and Jack said the word together in unison.

My
mom’s hand flew to her face. “You’re seriously considering going to Africa,
Tori? Please tell us you’re kidding!”

Trying
to seek refuge, I looked to Stacie. There was none to be found there. She might
have been sorry for her careless words earlier, but now she was quiet, waiting
for me to speak.

“It’s
a great opportunity for my career and it’s just for a year-”

“A
year
?
Heavens, Tori-” my mother cried.

“When
do you leave?”

Kai
asked the question quietly, participating in my family drama for the first
time. All attention in the room went to him. I heard my mother gasp, surprised
he was learning this information along with the rest of them. I couldn’t will
the words to come out, they were stuck somewhere between my shame and my
humiliation.

“She
leaves in five weeks,” Stacie announced.

Uproar
exploded from all corners of the room, the birth of Kailynn momentarily
ignored. Stacie and my mother were talking rapidly, asking questions left and
right. Jack was digging for more detail and facts about the program, and my
father was silently shaking his head, eyes diverted. I watched Kai place the
baby into my father’s arms, excusing himself from the room.

It was
then I felt a whack on my side.

“Well,
go...go after him!” Stacie said, cords dangling from her arm as she hit me a
second time.

I ran
out the door following Kai’s long stride down the hallway. I caught up with him
in the waiting room.

“Wait,
Kai, please.”

He
stopped, turning to face me.

Regret
drowned every other sense I had.

When
will I stop hurting this man?

“My
sister told me today that my apologies are worthless, that I say them, but
never change. Maybe she’s right, but right now I
feel
sorry, Kai. I’m so
sorry you found out that way,” I said.

“Me, too.”

I
stood waiting for him to say more, but nothing more came.

“Is
that all you’re going to say to me?” I asked, feeling the knife of panic slice
into my heart.

“What
else can I possibly say that I haven’t already said, Tori? That I love you,
that I want to be with you, that I’ll wait for you? All of that is still true.
Only now the waiting has become way more real, hasn’t it?”

I
stared down at the floor, too afraid to see what was in his eyes.

 “I
never asked you to wait for me.”

“You
never had to, Tori.” Kai said, taking a deep breath. “You do realize the irony
here though, right?”

I
looked up at him, confused.

Realization
dawned on me only seconds later. I had once felt so justified in accusing him
of a similar kind of deception, yet here I was now, guilty of the same. I had
withheld information from him out of fear, out of selfishness, out of pride.

Ashamed,
I nodded. I understood the irony and I could do nothing to change it.

“You should
get back to your family, sounds like there’s a lot left to discuss in there. I
need to go,” he said.

“How
will you get home?”

“I’ll
manage. See you around, Tori.”

With
that, he walked away.

**********

A full
week had passed. Kailynn and Stacie were home resting peacefully while Jack
worked from an upstairs bedroom. He wasn’t ready to leave his new family for
his office downtown quite yet.

The
drama from the hospital room had settled to a dull roar. After many debates,
online reviews, and geography research, there was an unspoken mandate over the
topic of
Consider
Africa
: agree to disagree. They were all tired
of the fight and I was tired of fighting.

**********

I
pulled my running shoes on, needing a reprieve. Though having a new baby in the
family had brought so much joy, I couldn’t ignore the ticking of the clock.
Every day that passed reminded me of what I was leaving behind, of
who
I
was leaving behind. Every day I told myself that I had made the right decision—the
only
decision.

As I
ran down Stacie’s street, I passed the familiar houses, pond and park. I felt a
pang in my chest. It was the same desperate tug I had been discounting for
weeks.

I
pushed on, fighting the resistance in each stride.

I just
needed my
fix
—however temporary it was.

But it
never came.

By the
time I got to the bridge, my legs felt like lead. It was the first time in nearly
two years that I hadn’t been able to escape…
from
myself.
I couldn’t
take one more step; the heaviness in my chest was too unbearable. 

I had
spent so much time and energy trying to forget, trying to right the past,
trying
not
to feel. And now, as I stared at the bridge in front of me, the
truth
was overwhelming. All along I had looked for a way out, but that
was never the answer.

Stop
running.

Though
I had done the work, though I had made some progress, the gap between my future
and my past wasn’t yet bridged. I sank to my knees and wept.

It was
time to stop running.

**********

My
palms grew sweaty as I gripped the steering wheel. Today I would deliver the
letter. I was one stop away from closure, one stop away from peace. I had
thought for weeks—months even—that in order to find healing I had to do it
alone. That support had to come from within.

I was
wrong.

Breakthrough
rarely happens alone; mine was no exception.

The
people who had been a part of my journey were catalysts to my growth and
advocates in my recovery.
Gratitude
was far too simple a word for what they
had helped me see.

Going
to Africa may have been a dream for some, but it wasn’t my dream—it was my
escape
.
It wasn’t moving forward; it was leaving the only future I wanted, behind. I
was done chasing after escapes.

No
matter how far I could run, it was never far enough. My problems, my hurts, my
fears, my failures, all came with me.

Every.
Single. Time.

I wasn’t
fixed, I wasn’t whole, but I was ready.

I was
ready to bridge the gap.

I was
ready to move forward.

It had
been more than two months since my last flashback and longer still since I was
frozen in my guilt and isolated in my shame. God had sought me and He had won
me. There was still much I did not understand, much my heart still could not
fathom, but I knew the taste of freedom and I wasn’t going back. What God had
asked of me was nothing short of everything, but what He had given back was the
promise of a future. 

I
pulled my car in, overwhelmed at the enormity of my decision. The letter
remained on my passenger seat. This was not its home; this was not its
recipient. I grabbed the box out of my trunk, securing its lid and walked
forward, each step easier than the last. My heart thudded hard inside my chest
and my hands shook with nerves.

There
were at least twenty men I could see as I approached the large open door. I
scanned the room, feeling faint as one by one the eyes of the firehouse were on
me. I saw Briggs tap Kai on the shoulder, causing him to turn, causing him to
blink me into focus. I took five more steps, stopping just a foot from the
floor inside the station.