All of Me (27 page)

“There’s, uh…”  He
cleared his throat again, choking on embarrassment and second thoughts.  “…some
Riesling in the fridge too.  And some Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia in the
freezer.  And I got you a fresh Starbucks drink since the other melted.  That’s
in the freezer too.”  He tried shrugging away some of the weirdness.  “No big
deal, but I figured you might be hungry after work, so…but if you don’t feel
like it, it’s fine.”

Nathan suddenly
wished he’d planned for some cheesy romantic music.  Or had turned on the TV. 
Or that Stella would say something.  Soon.  Because he was choking on the
silence.

But he still stood
there without speaking.  Because, although he had feelings – a lot of them,
actually – he couldn’t seem to get them out.  As usual.  He’d never been able
get them out properly.  He’d never had the right words…couldn’t express things
the way other people did so freely.  He’d never quite figured out how to
articulate his feelings into something someone else would understand.  And
there hadn’t been too many people asking, anyway, so it had sort of always
worked out.

But he wanted so
badly to show Stella how he was feeling…how it had made him feel to hear the
incredible things she’d said earlier to her asshole ex.  How he knew he didn’t
deserve her but, that he was selfish enough to take whatever she was willing to
give anyway. 

That he loved
her.  And always would.  No matter how things turned out.

“Nathan…”  She
finally turned to look up at him, her eyes shining with unshed tears.  “This is
the sweetest, most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for me.  Thank you so
much.” 

In under three
seconds, she was in his arms; their lips fused, all of Nathan’s embarrassment
and inept social skills long forgotten. Stella gripped at his neck for leverage
as she kissed him hard and deep and with all of the passion he loved her for. 

He’d meant to take
it slow tonight.  To spend a lot of time showing her exactly how much he cared
for her and needed her and wanted her.  To try to express some of what he was
feeling with his body.

Unfortunately,
Stella didn’t seem to be looking for any tender lovemaking as she
less-than-gently pushed him backwards until his calves hit the couch.  Nathan’s
butt dropped onto the couch and Stella straddled him; her hands cradling his
face as she drove her tongue into his mouth over and over again…to a rhythm
that matched the way their bodies were undulating against one another.

Nathan grabbed her
ass and flipped to get Stella lying beneath him.  He reared back long enough to
rip her snap button scrub cardigan open and push her tee shirt up over her
breast. 

God, she was
magnificent.  All of her.

He ran the pad of
his thumb over her nipple; his mouth watering watching it tighten into a little
dusky pink bud.  Nathan lowered his head and took it into his mouth.

Stella gasped and
gripped the back of his neck.  “Oh, God…
Nathan
…”

Her back arched
and her nails dug into his flesh as he flicked and sucked and swirled the
nipple with his tongue.  Needing more, Nathan released her breast and moved his
mouth to the other side; running his lips along her marred flesh.

“You are so
beautiful,” he whispered against her skin.

When he felt
Stella’s chest jerk up and down beneath his mouth, he looked up to find her
crying; silent tears slipping from either eye and sliding down the sides of her
face.

“Oh, Stella…what’s
wrong, baby?”  Nathan looked at her with such concern that Stella started
crying even harder.  “Did I do something wrong?”

She laughed
through her tears.  “No, Nathan.  You’re doing everything exactly right.”

“Well, that’s a
first,” he said and she laughed again.

They stared into
each other’s eyes for a few long seconds, Stella’s smile fading. 

She ran a finger
down the middle of his face - over his forehead down his bridge of his nose and
over his lips.  “I’m afraid you’re not real,” she whispered.  She studied every
inch of his gorgeous face from his sad whiskey eyes, to the stubble on his
chin, to the little scar on his upper lip.  She traced the scar with her
fingertip.  “I’m too happy.  And I love you way too much.”  Stella searched his
eyes.  “I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Do you know what I mean?”

Stella watched his
Adam’s Apple go up and down in his throat a few times.  “Yes.  Exactly,” he
said throatily. 

“I love you,
Nathan.  You know that, right?  And not just the good things.  I love the bad
things too.  Not that they happened to you, but that they made you the man you
are today.  The strong, sensitive man that I respect and admire and love more
than I ever thought I could love someone.”  Stella cradled his face in her
hands.  “I love you so much, Nathan.  So much it hurts.”  She smiled.  “In the
best way possible.”

Nathans’s
breathing was fast and shallow and a fine sweat broke out across his upper
lip.  “I…”  He searched her face, her eyes…Stella knew he was trying to say
something.  To express something.  And she was pretty sure she knew what it
was.

“I know,
mio
caro
.  I know.”   She pulled his lips to hers and kissed him slowly,
gently, until they were back to the frenzied grinding they’d been doing
before.  A couple of minutes later, they’d slipped off the couch and were
rolling around the floor.

Stella got on top
and broke away, panting, from their kiss.  She tugged at his tee shirt.  “I
need this off now.”  Nathan obliged; yanking it over his head and tossing it
aside.  Stella eyed his muscular, broad chest admiringly.   She let out a long,
lamenting sigh as she caressed the angles and planes of his chiseled pecs,
shoulders, and biceps.  “And this body isn’t making anything easier on me,
Nathan.  It drives me crazy.” 

Stella ran her
hands up and down the tattoos on his upper arms.  “These aren’t helping
either.”  She dragged her open palms down his six pack.  “Or
these
.”
When she got to his shorts waistband, Stella dipped a few fingers beneath it
and tugged.  When Nathan’s eyes widened, she lifted a brow. 

Stella smiled
slyly.  “What going on under here, I wonder…”  She tugged a little harder;
coming close to, but not quite, freeing his erection.  Nathan’s panted as he
watched her down his body.  “Let’s see…”  Stella ran an open palm over the
underside of his enormous erection and Nathan groaned loudly.  When she gripped
it tight and squeezed, he gasped.  She ran her hand up and down his shaft
once.  And then again.  “…
this
might be the most distracting thing of
all.”

“
Stella
…oh,
god…please don’t stop…”

When he lifted his
pelvis, pushing himself harder into Stella’s hand, she laughed throatily.  “You
like that, huh?”

He shot her a
dark, dirty look and Stella laughed again.  “Okay, okay…no more games.”  She
yanked down his knit shorts with both hands.  Now, all that remained between
her hands and his erection was a thin pair of blue plaid boxers. 

She quirked a brow
and plucked at the waistband of his boxers.  “Should we get these off and
really see what’s going on in there, Nathan?”

“You said no more
games,” he gritted out as Stella ran the back of her fingers over the tip of
his penis.  His eyes squeezed shut and his hands balled into fists.  “Christ,
Stella…I can’t take much more…
please
…”

“Poor baby.” 
Stella tugged down the boxers and Nathan’s huge, rock hard erection sprang
free.  She wrapped both hands around it and squeezed.  “Incredible, Nathan.” 
Stella ran the pad of her thumb over the tip of his penis, loving the way
Nathan growled in the back of his throat.

He was watching
her pleasure him from under hooded lids and it was getting her hot.  And wet. 
But she was going to have to wait a few more minutes for her own release. 
Because there was something she’d been dying to do to this man.

Without warning,
Stella dropped her head and took Nathan’s erection deep into her mouth. 

“Fuck!  Stella! 
Oh, God!” he yelled out; his hands burying in her hair. 

This was no porno
or romance novel…the blow job she was giving him was no effortless act.  Nathan
was huge and Stella was really unpracticed at this.  But his steely warmth felt
really good against her teeth and tongue and lips and Stella reveled in being
able to give Nathan so much pleasure.   

And he
was
enjoying it.  Thoroughly.  Digging his heels into the floor and moaning loudly
as Stella sucked and licked and nuzzled him. 

“Shit!”  Nathan
jerked himself out of her mouth and had her on her back before Stella knew what
happened.  He yanked her scrub bottoms down in one movement, ripped her panties
off, and thrust himself inside of her. 

“
Oh, God, yes
…” 
Stella wrapped her legs around his waist and held onto his biceps for dear life
as he drove himself into her hard and rough over and over and over.  She came
almost instantly, crying out his name as she shattered beneath him.

It only took
Nathan a few more strokes to join her; yelling out her name as he pumped his
orgasm into her for what felt like forever.  With his body’s final shuddering
expulsion, Nathan dropped to his elbows on either side of her face and dipped
his head into her neck. 

They stayed there
for a long time…panting hard, hot breaths against each others damp flesh as
their bodies – pounding heartbeats reaching out to each other from beneath
their ribcages – as they tried to recover enough to move.  Or speak. 

Finally Nathan
rolled off and onto the floor next to her.  He flung his forearm over his eyes
and exhaled a long, shuddering breath.  “
Jesus
, Stella…”

Stella rolled onto
her side and pressed her lips to his bicep.  “See what being sweet gets you?”

Nathan laughed. 
Out loud.  “Hell, yeah.  I’ll be trying to be sweet a lot more often.”

Stella ran her
fingertip down the side of his face.  “I like hearing you laugh.  It makes me
really, really happy.”

“Yeah, well, don’t
used to it.  It doesn’t happen very often.”

“We’re gonna have
to change that.  ‘Cause you look so stinkin’ adorable when you do it,” she said
with a playful pinch to his side. 

Nathan gave her
one of his long, inscrutable, and intense looks. 

“What?”  she
whispered, her smile fading.

“I don’t like
laughing.  It makes me feel weak.  And self-conscious.  I’m not a big fan of
smiling either.  For the same reasons.  And crying, obviously…that’s just…” 
Nathan shuddered.  He met her eyes and searched them; most definitely gauging
her possible reactions to such an honest admission.  Nathan exhaled a harsh
laugh.  “I don’t even like doing those things when I’m alone.  Is that the most
fucked-up thing you’ve ever heard, or what?”

“Uh, no.  The most
fucked-up thing I’ve ever heard is my 82 year old next door neighbors getting
busy in their shower.  Don’t get me wrong…it was very sweet and I say,
dio li benedica
– God
bless ‘em, you know.”  She grinned at Nathan.  “But it was still pretty fucked-up.” 

Nathan scoffed,
but a little smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.

“And I don’t think
there’s anything surprising about you not wanting to reveal your emotional hand
to anyone.  In fact, I think it makes perfect sense.  Your entire life people
have been manipulating you and abusing you…why would you trust them with your
feelings?  It would be more surprising if you were willing to express your
feelings.”  Stella shrugged.  “I’m like that a little too…or at least I try to
be.  I’m terrible at it though.”

“Did you try to
hide feelings from me?” he asked, brows furrowed.

“Well, of course. 
I liked you the moment I met you, but I couldn’t let you know that.  Plus, I
figured you were a married cheating asshole anyway.”

Nathan reared
back.  “What gave you that impression?”

“I figured you
were way too hot to be single.  And I typically think most guys are cheating
assholes, so that’s that.  And even when I found out you were single, I still
tried not to be too transparent.  It’s not my strong suit, though.”  Stella shrugged. 
“But being open gets people get hurt.  When you tip your hand, you give other
people the power to really wound you.  So maybe there’s something to be said
for keeping some things to yourself.”

Nathan shrugged. 
“Okay, well, then I’ll just keep everything to myself from now on.”

“No!”  Stella sat
straight up.  “That’s not what I meant!  No regression, Nathan!”  She playfully
poked his side.  “Plus, that philosophy doesn’t apply to me.  Your feelings are
safe with me.  I would never judge you or hurt you.”

“That’s what you
say now,” he replied, surprising her with the fierceness of his words.  “But
when things fall apart, you’ll be able to throw all of that stuff back at me. 
Telling people how you feel is like handing them a loaded gun.  It’s dangerous.”

“Are you so sure
things are going to fall apart?” 

“It has to at some
point, doesn’t it?” he said with such detached resignation that Stella’s heart
hurt.

She bent her elbow
and propped her head on her hand.  “Nathan, we still haven’t talked about everything
you told me the other night,” she said softly. 

“Yeah, I know.” 
He ran a hand down his face then dropped his forearm over his eyes.   

“Have you ever
talked to somebody?  About everything you’ve gone through?”

 Nathan scoffed. 
“Fuck, no.”

“I think it would
really help you.  I’ve done it on and off since my mom died.  My therapist,
Jen, is great.  Maybe she can give us a referral to someone who specializes in
PTSD.”

Nathan looked
horrified.  “I don’t have fucking PTSD.  Or any other problems that a headshrinker
could help me with.  I saw enough of those assholes while I was in the system
and they did nothing but fuck me up worse.  If I never interact with another
again, it’ll be too soon.”