All the Ugly and Wonderful Things (5 page)

With the sun gone, we could see all the stars, and the planets, too. Mercury, Saturn, Jupiter, Venus, Mars, like stairs from the moon down to the meadow. I kept naming them until I heard a car coming up the road.

After Liam and Butch took Kellen away, I thought about how he left spaces for me when he talked. If I saw him again, I decided I might put words in those spaces.

 

5

KELLEN

August–October 1977

I woulda gone the next day to see the girl in the meadow, but the bike wreck about turned me into hamburger. I ended up with a concussion, a dislocated shoulder, three busted ribs, a twisted ankle, and my arm broken in two places with the bone poking out. After I spent a week in the hospital, it was another two months before I could do any work for Liam. Two months cooling my heels at Cutcheon's Small Engine. The old man was decent to me and I liked the work. You spend the day putting engines together, you go home feeling like you done something worthwhile.

Once I was healed up enough to be any use in a fight, I did a few runs for Liam. Me and Butch took this slicked up Monte Carlo to Des Moines, trunk full of meth. Good money.

The summer was near gone before I made it back up to the farmhouse. Nobody answered when I knocked, but the door was unlocked. Soon as I walked in, the stink of dirty dishes hit me. The kitchen sink was full of them, with flies buzzing on rotten food. All these bowls and glasses with mold growing in the bottoms.

“Hello? It's Kellen, from down the hill. Anybody home?” I hollered.

Nobody answered, but in the bedroom off the front hall I heard somebody snoring, just a little louder than the fly-buzz. I poked my head around the door frame and whoever was in bed rolled over. This thin, white leg and a patch of dark hair poked out of the covers. Liam's wife? I took a step back, so I couldn't see her.

“Mrs. Quinn? I was looking for the little blond girl. Wavy?” It was fuzzy as hell in my head. More than a couple times in the hospital, I thought maybe I'd dreamed it.

“She took Donal somewhere.”

I didn't know who Donal was, but at least the girl was probably real, since Liam's wife didn't say, “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Do you need anything, Mrs. Quinn? You okay?”

“Who are you?” she said.

“Jesse Joe Kellen. Uh, I work for Liam.”

“Fucking asshole.”

“I'm gonna go. I'm sorry I bothered you.”

I beat it back down the hallway, hoping real hard the whole deal wouldn't get back to Liam. Had my hand on the doorknob, on my way out, when the mess in the kitchen pulled me up short again. Was the little girl living there in that filth?

*   *   *

It was the end of October before I went by the house again. Every time my arm twinged, whenever I did any work on my bike, I thought about the way the girl laid her hand on my cheek and said my name. I spent years trying to get people to stop calling me Junior, but damned if that wasn't the first time I really felt like Kellen was my name.

After I got the bike back in running order, the first place I took it was the road up to Liam's house. The gas tank still being primer gray made me old-lady cautious, easy on the throttle going up the drive to the house. The kitchen door was unlocked again, and when I swung it open, the girl was there. She stood next to the table, her hair combed smooth, no leaves in it. There was a baby, too, clutching at her dress, and just like that I recollected the reason I'd been sent to the house the night I wrecked. A bag of groceries. Ricki had gone to the store, but she couldn't take the food up to the house, what with her being Liam's girlfriend and his wife probably not liking that. So Butch said, “Run it up there, Kellen, before the milk spoils.”

Now that I could see the girl was real, I didn't know what to say. Maybe that was all I needed. She stood there, holding the little boy by his overall straps and not saying a word.

“Hey, Wavy,” I said. I thought that was her name and the way she looked at me, like she was surprised I remembered; it musta been.

She straightened up and let go of the baby. “I didn't kill you?”

“Not even close. I'm as good as new. Wasn't your fault anyway.” I said it real quick, not wanting her to feel bad, but she frowned. “Only I wasn't expecting to see you out there. When I hit that gravel and the front tire skidded, I over-corrected. Spilled the bike like an idiot. Not your fault. Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for helping me.”

That was what I wanted for as long as she was looking at me, but when she looked past me, what I wanted more than anything was for her to look at me again. Most people look at you like nothing, but the way she looked at me … it was like we were in the meadow again. Like I was important. People don't usually look at me like that.

“Is that Donal? He your brother?”

She cocked her head and frowned. Out from the road, I heard this familiar rumble I couldn't place. I'd been just looking at her face. Her hair and her eyes. Then I looked at all of her. She was wearing a coat, with a backpack over her shoulders.

“You going somewhere?” I said.

“School.”

As soon as she said it, I felt like a dope. That was the bus she'd been listening for and it was gone now.

“I can give you a ride, okay? Since I made you miss the bus.”

She looked at me real serious and nodded.

You wouldn't think someone as small as her could pick up a baby that size, but Wavy heaved him up on her hip. She was stronger than she looked.

The baby set to wailing when she carried him away, and he was still going at it from somewhere in the house when she came back to the kitchen. I waited for her to say something, but she walked right out the door. I was making her late to school.

I hadn't thought at all about how her riding on the bike was gonna work, but I went at it the only way I could see. I put my hands around her waist and hoisted her up to the seat. Her back went all stiff and her eyes got wide, so I could tell I'd messed up. I let go of her like a hot potato, and she settled herself on the back of the bike.

“Hold on tight, okay?” I said, after I fired up the engine. She didn't answer and she didn't touch me. I felt like a clod, like I'd missed something important. “You ever rode on a bike before?”

I looked at her in the side view mirror. She frowned and shook her head. Figure that. Liam's kid and she'd never been on a motorcycle. Most guys as crazy for bikes as him, they take their kids riding.

“We're gonna go pretty fast, so you need to hold onto me. I don't want you to fall off,” I said.

Wasn't like she could put her arms all the way around me, but she got a grip on one side of my jacket, and held onto my belt with her other hand. Out on the highway, her skirt fluttered around us, so I reached back and tucked it between us. Doing it, my hand brushed against her knee on accident, and she pulled back from me. Her being so light made me nervous. Like having nothing on the back of the bike. I tapped the front brake to slide her closer to me, just to reassure myself she was there. Soon as I did, her hand loosened up where she was holding my jacket. For those couple seconds she wasn't touching me, my heart stopped.

“Hold on tight. Don't let go!” I yelled. She got a grip back on my belt and my jacket.

At the stoplight into town, we caught up to the bus and followed it to the school. I pulled the bike up on the front sidewalk and, as soon as I came to a stop, Wavy slid off the back. For a second, she teetered back and forth, trying to get her skirt untangled. I was worried she was about to tip over, but as I went to grab her, she rested her hand on my thigh to steady herself. Then she pushed off and ran up the sidewalk ahead of the kids coming off the bus. They all stared at me on my bike in the middle of the sidewalk.

“Hey, Wavy! What time?” I yelled.

She turned back and squinted at me.

“What time do I need to come pick you up?”

She held up three fingers. The pack of kids off the bus caught up to her. One of them knocked shoulders with her, looked to me like on purpose. Then she dropped her hand and shoved her way into the building. I rode away feeling like I'd delivered her up to the gates of Hell.

I never liked school, was always looking for excuses to stay away, but when I thought about the mess out at the farmhouse, I could see why Wavy wanted to go. All I was thinking as I rode back out there, was that I could make things a little better for her. In a stranger's house, it was easy to see what needed doing. I went in there figuring I'd just wash the dishes, but then I couldn't leave the baby crying in dirty pants. It's not my favorite thing, but I can change a diaper. I got the kid cleaned up and then I boiled a pot of oatmeal, skimming off the bugs as they floated to the top. When it cooled, I stirred in some crystallized honey and fed the kid that. He seemed to like it fine. Liked me okay, too. Patting me and smiling big while I talked to him.

Until Old Man Cutcheon took me on at the garage, I was a dishwasher at the truck stop. It's not hard, kinda nice even. Mindless. Scrubbing and rinsing. A couple things were too far gone—a burned and rusted skillet, a bowl of milk so rancid I about gagged over it. I took those out to the trash barrel behind the barn.

It tore me up a little, seeing where Wavy had been trying to make things decent. There were clean baby bottles, and she musta been the one who scrubbed the bathtub to gray. I went over it with bleach and borax, got it damn near white. Took a good hour, down on my hands and knees, scrubbing until my arm got to hurting where they put the screws in.

For lunch, I scared up a can of tomato soup with some stale saltines. One bite for Donal, one bite for me. No worse than what I ate as a baby. Didn't stunt my growth none.

By that point I'd been there almost four hours, and I hadn't heard a peep out of Mrs. Quinn. It spooked me, so I went to her bedroom door and called her name.

“Leave me alone,” she said. The sheets on her bed were so dirty they'd turned yellow. I guess she musta got up at some point and took Wavy to enroll in school. Unless Liam or one of his girlfriends did it.

“Mrs. Quinn, are you hungry?” I said.

“Go away.”

Once I had the kitchen and the bathroom cleaned, and Donal was napping, I looked around the rest of the house. Wavy's bedroom was up in the attic, squeezed into the roofline, with a long window at each end. The window over the front porch had a trellis under it. Just bare dead vines in the winter, but might could be honeysuckle come spring. Wavy hadn't made her bed up, but the sheets looked clean and she had a homemade quilt on top. There was a set of shelves with some books and the kind of junk I used to collect when I was a kid. An old purple glass bottle, a cat skull, a rock with a hole in it, a hood ornament, a mannequin's hand. Just stuff that calls out to you. Up in the joists, a couple nails had dresses hanging on them. I lifted one up, and under it was an undershirt and a pair of panties.

I lit out of there, feeling like a spy.

I got back to the school just as the empty school buses pulled into the drive. That's why Wavy gave me a funny look when I asked her what time school let out. She'd missed the bus in, but she coulda took the bus home. Except I'd said I was coming back for her. I didn't like to say that and not follow through. Too many folks do you that way.

When Wavy came out, she had a pack of kids following her. She came down the sidewalk toward me, not looking right or left. I figured them kids must be hassling her, the way she looked. Little assholes.

“Hey, Wavy,” I said when she got to me. She climbed right up on the bike without any help, ready to get out of there. I put the bike in gear and roared away from them staring kids. I didn't have to tell her to hang on, either. She grabbed my jacket tight and didn't let go.

There wasn't much food at the farmhouse, so I took us through the old Biplane Drive-Thru to pick up some burgers and fries. They'd be cold from riding in the saddlebags on the trip back, but they'd still be good to eat.

When we got to the house, Wavy looked downright scared as she pushed the door open and saw the kitchen. She let go of the doorknob and stepped back far enough to bump into me.

“Mama cleaned?” she whispered.

“No, I did it. I didn't have anything else to do today and I figured you were busy at school. You know that used to be my job, doing dishes. It's good work. Kinda lets you turn your brain off. My favorite thing is plates and bowls, just making circles in them.”

There I'd wanted to do something nice, and she looked like she was gonna cry. I put my hand on her shoulder, meaning to hug her, I guess, but she put her hands against my belly and shoved me away.

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…”

She shivered hard, all the way down her back, before she stepped inside. I wasn't sure if she was mad, but she looked back at me, so I followed her.

“Silverware you have to take more time washing,” I said. “Because of how food gets stuck in the forks. Eggs especially are a pain in the ass once they get dried onto something.”

It was easy to talk to Wavy that way. She didn't seem to care what I said, but her shoulders relaxed.

“Man, I'm hungry. I hope these burgers aren't too cold.”

I made us up plates, a burger and fries on each one. She watched me do it and, when I put the plates down on the table, she got up in the chair across from me. I tucked in, wrestling with those little plastic packets of ketchup. She opened one, I figured for herself, but she squeezed it out on my plate. Then another one. The whole time I ate, she watched me, but didn't so much as touch her food. After I finished, she picked up the plate in front of her and carried it down the hall to Mrs. Quinn's room.

I fixed Wavy another plate, but when she came back she was toting Donal.

“Here, why don't I hold him, while you eat your dinner?” I said.