Allure (19 page)

‘How do you fancy pizza and a bottle of Prosecco before we hit the town for a night of drinking and dancing?’

‘You’re here? In
Manchester
?’

‘Yes, angel, I’m here. We both are. You know how me and Benni love a night down
Canal Street
, so, we’ve taken some time off from Bam-Bams and come to see you.’

Benni is Joey’s partner. They’ve been friends for ages, we all have, ever since Benni joined the gang at Bam-Bams a few years back, but over the past few weeks he and Joey have drifted towards something more than friendship, and I’m happy for them. Really happy. And I love Benni. He’s so much fun, so spending time with these two isn’t going to be a chore. As long as Joey doesn’t spend the entire time nagging me. I’m hoping Benni being here will stop him from doing too much of that, because I’ve had enough of it over this past week, and that was just over the phone. Leaving Newcastle didn’t spare me any of that.

‘You’re here now?’

‘Yes, we’re here now. We’re just settling into the hotel then we’ll be right over. And listen, angel, are you OK?’

‘Why wouldn’t I be?’

‘She’s got the defensive shield up again, I see.’

‘I’m fine. It’s good to be getting back to normal.’

He snorts down the phone and I know why.
Normal
would mean I was still in
Newcastle
, and I’m not.

‘We’ll be there in about an hour. You want any particular kind of pizza?’

‘Make it spicy.’

‘The way you always like it, huh?’

‘See you soon, Joey.’

I throw the phone down, step out of the slip-dress and under the shower. And as the warm jets of water hit my naked body, I slide a hand down to touch myself, but this time no one’s watching.

This time it’s just for me.

Twenty

Neal

‘You wanna talk about it?’

I look at Barry as he hands me a beer and sits down beside me. The music is loud, the atmosphere good in this bar we frequent a lot in SoHo. It’s got a nice vibe, and it’s always filled with the people I like to hang out with – creative types, writers, artists; my kind of people. But tonight I’m just not feeling it. I’m not feeling anything. ‘Not really, no.’

He downs a mouthful of beer but his eyes never leave me, I can feel them burning into me.

‘I didn’t come out for the third degree,
Barry
,
OK
?’

‘Who’s giving you the third degree? I just asked if you wanted to talk about it.’

‘I don’t.’

‘It’s a woman, right? That’s put you in this crappy mood.’ His face suddenly cracks into a grin, and again I want to slap it right off him. ‘Oh, don’t tell me… No, bro, you didn’t, did you? Did you finally break your own rule, ditch the escorts and actually meet someone you didn’t have to pay to fuck? That’s it, isn’t it? Only, I’m guessing it didn’t go that well, huh?’

I slam my beer down and lean right in to him, hissing the words out because I’m close to snapping now. ‘I don’t need this shit, you got that?’

‘Whoa, chill out, Neal!’

I push him back, but not hard enough to draw any attention towards us. ‘Leave it, Barry, alright?’

He says nothing for a second, and I appreciate his silence. It just doesn’t last as long as it should have done.

‘She wouldn’t want you to be alone for the rest of your life, Neal. You know that, don’t you? Lisa she… she wouldn’t want that.’

I take a long swig of beer. I can’t look at him. If I look at him I’m gonna hit him. I really don’t need this.

‘Because I know that you and this thing you got going with the escorts, I know that’s because you feel like – I dunno. Maybe you still feel as though you’re cheating on her, if you’re not paying for it.’

I slam my beer down again and turn to face him. I’m fucking angry now, and I need him to shut up. ‘Don’t go there, Barry. OK? Do
not
go there.’

‘It’s true though, isn’t it? Jesus. Neal, come on, man. She’s been dead over six years and in all that time you’ve not had one real relationship. You spend your life working all the hours God sends and fucking escorts, what kind of life is that?’

‘I’m warning you, Barry…’

‘So what happened over there? You gonna tell me?’

His eyes still refuse to leave mine, and he’s serious now. He’s not just trying to wind me up anymore.

I bow my head, clasping my hands together as I take a long, deep breath.

‘She really wouldn’t want you to be alone, Neal. And I… I don’t know what happened over in the
UK
, but something did, and I… Look, maybe it really is time you thought about finally moving on, huh? Find someone real, and start living again.’

I laugh, but it’s a hollow sound. Nothing’s funny. ‘She
is
real.’ I’m not sure I meant to say the words out loud, but I did, and I’ve opened that box now.

‘Who is?’

I keep my head down, because looking at Barry and talking about Kira – I don’t know. It feels odd. Strange. Like someone else is intruding into our world and I’m not comfortable with that.

‘She’s real,’ I whisper, my voice calmer as I realise I’m going to have to say something now. ‘Kira Blu…’

‘Kira Blu…? Oh, Jesus, Neal… Don’t tell me you’ve gone and fallen for a fucking escort! Shit, man, you don’t
do
that. You don’t.’

‘She’s beautiful. She’s so fucking beautiful… and she’s as damaged as I am, and I can’t forget her, Barry. I can’t let go.’

‘I thought you never slept with the same escort twice.’

‘I don’t… I didn’t.’

‘But you slept with this one a lot, huh?’

‘So many times I can’t even remember.’ I throw back my head and let out a long, frustrated sigh. ‘It’s such a fucking mess, Barry.’

He doesn’t say anything, which must mean things are serious. It takes a lot to render my little brother speechless.

‘What did you do, Neal?’

I lean forward again, pick up my beer and down another long mouthful. ‘The second she walked into the bar I knew something was different –
she
was different. I felt it.
She
felt it. The connection, it was instant; it was off the fucking scale, man… and once we started talking…’ I trail off, because I feel uncomfortable, talking about what happened between me and Kira. It was our bubble, our fantasy, and I don’t want anyone else invading that. ‘I asked her to stay the night. The first woman I’ve ever spent an entire night with since…’ I don’t need to finish that sentence. Barry knows what I was going to say.

‘But she’s an escort, Neal.’

I look up sharply, a shot of anger searing through me. ‘And that means, what? She plays the whore behind closed doors so she must be one outside of the bedroom, too, is that it?’

‘Come on, Neal…’

‘No, is that what you meant, Barry?’

‘I don’t know, OK? This is just weird, y’know? You’ve never expressed any feelings for a woman since Lisa died. Six years, Neal, and nothing. No relationships, no girlfriends, no proper dates. Nothing. You just shut that part of your life down. And now you’re telling me you feel something for some English escort you met on a business trip? It’s all a bit too “Pretty Woman”, don’t you think?’

I want to hit him; I want to lash out and hurt him and make him feel the kind of pain I’m feeling now because I don’t think I can take much more of this. ‘Don’t do that, Barry. Don’t belittle what went on between me and Kira. I’m not joking.’ I look at him, my eyes burning into his because I’m fucking serious now. ‘Don’t do that.’

His eyes widen, and I can understand his confusion because he’s right. I left New York the same cold-hearted man he’s had to get used to over the past few years; the one who’s steered clear of any form of commitment, any kind of relationship. And then I come home from a business trip and tell him I’m all knotted up inside because I can’t forget the most beautiful woman in my world. A woman I paid to meet. A woman I can’t forget.

‘You could have anyone, Neal. Any woman you want, Jesus, they are falling at your fucking feet. They always have been. Just forget her. She was a great memory, a souvenir of your visit to the
UK
but, come on. You’re better than that, bro.’

I’m gonna fucking kill him, I swear. And the look I throw him tells him that.

‘OK, OK. Calm down. Jesus… Whoever she is you got it bad, bro. She must’ve been one hell of a fuck.’

I am, I’m gonna freaking kill him. But I think he gets it now.

‘Christ… You really are serious, aren’t you?’

‘I’m serious.’

He pauses for a second, as though he’s making sure I really am the same brother I was before I went to the
UK
. ‘I’ll go get us some more drinks. And I think we need something stronger than beer, don’t you?’

I wait until he’s on his way to the bar before I take out my phone, turning it over and over in my hand. No contact we said. Carry on as though the other doesn’t exist. Until we knew. And I know.

I find her number on speed dial and then realise the time. It’s just past eleven-thirty at night here, four-thirty in the morning where she is, but I don’t care. I need to speak to her; I need to hear her voice. I just fucking need her. So when I hear a disembodied voice down the line telling me the number I’ve dialled is no longer available, it’s like someone’s grabbed my heart and squeezed it tight. The pain is so fucking real. She’s changed her number, or blocked me, I don’t know. And the time difference means I can’t even call her agency to see if this is nothing more than just a problem with her phone, but I know I’m clutching at straws here. And that pain grows stronger.

‘Jesus, Neal, you’re not trying to call her, are you? It’s the early hours of the morning over there.’

Barry sits back down and slides a shot of whiskey towards me.

‘I’m aware of the time difference, Barry.’ I knock the whiskey back in one. ‘She doesn’t want to speak to me.’

‘I’m not surprised, if you’re calling her at half four in the morning.’

‘She’s changed her number. I can’t get through to her.’

He looks at me, and I can tell he’s working out what to say. ‘Well, maybe it’s for the best, y’know? I mean, escorts they – they’re there to do a job, aren’t they? They fuck you, they take your money, you’re nothing to them, bro. And this kinda proves that, doesn’t it? If she felt the same way about you as you say you do about her why would she change her number? If she wanted you to contact her, she’d make sure there was a way you could do that, wouldn’t she?’

‘She felt it, Barry. She fucking felt it.’

‘Past tense, bro. Because it sure as hell looks like she ain’t feeling it no more.’

‘I can’t do this…’

Barry says nothing for a beat or two, and that’s probably because he hasn’t seen me like this since Lisa’s accident. I’d felt battered and broken then, too; I couldn’t control what had happened. I’d felt lost. I feel like that now. I feel sick and empty and I know if I don’t do something I’m gonna revert right back to everything I’d been before – a cold man who won’t let himself love, or
be
loved, because he’s scared. And I don’t want that. I don’t. I don’t fucking want that, not anymore.

‘Are they really the kind of women you want a relationship with? Can you even
have
a relationship with a woman like that?’

Barry’s voice pulls me back to reality and I look at him, because he doesn’t understand. Nobody could possibly understand how I’m feeling right now. They weren’t there, in that room, when I was holding her and fucking her and falling deeper and deeper into her.

‘She said it was just sex,’ I say quietly, dropping my gaze, because it really is so hard to talk about this with someone else. But maybe I need to. Maybe that’s the only thing that’s gonna help me make sense of it all.

‘Well, she’s right, isn’t she? I mean, that’s what you booked her for, wasn’t it?’

‘We were supposed to have dinner first. Y’know, make it seem like something verging on normal.’

‘The girlfriend experience, huh? You know, Neal, you really don’t have to pay for that shit. Look around you. Any woman in this bar would drop their panties for you in a heartbeat if you just gave them a sign. Any fucking woman. All you need to do is make eye contact with someone and I’m telling you, bro, they’d be yours. And you wouldn’t have to pay for it.’

‘Don’t do this, Barry, please. I know. I know all of that, but I couldn’t…’ I push a hand through my hair and throw my head back again, letting loose another heavy sigh. ‘I didn’t want it, OK? Those women – real women, as you call them – they want real relationships, commitment, something more than just dinner and sex. And I just wasn’t ready.’

‘And now? Are you ready now?’

I close my eyes for a second, and she’s still there. And my heart breaks all over again.

I nod, because I can’t say anything, the words are stuck in my throat it’s so tight.

‘Then go out there and find someone, Neal. Start now, come on. Take what happened over there as the kick-start you needed…’

‘I only want
her
,’ I whisper, because I do. I only want Kira. I know that now, and I’m tired of fighting it.

‘Jesus, Neal…’

I take my phone back out and scroll through my photos. I haven’t looked at this particular one since I got back home, and God knows how I managed to stop myself from doing that but I’m looking at it now. Ignoring it isn’t working. ‘She doesn’t know I took this.’

I find the photo, and as soon as I see it my stomach dips and my heart aches with a pain so raw I have to swallow hard to shift the lump in my throat.

‘I took it when she was asleep. And we didn’t sleep all that much so… so I guess I got lucky, taking this.’

She’s lying on the bed, in the photograph, one arm flung up above her head, the covers down just past her hips and I don’t even care that her tits are exposed; that most of her beautiful body is on show and I’m letting my brother see that. I don’t care. I need to look at her, and this is all I have. This one fucking photo that she doesn’t even know I took.

Barry lets out a low whistle as he takes the phone from my hand and takes a closer look at the photo. ‘Whoa! She is freaking
hot!
Get a load of that tattoo! Man, no wonder you needed to fuck her more than once.’

I take the phone back. He’s making it all sound cheap now, and that isn’t right. ‘We’d been having sex for hours, before this was taken. Any which way you can think of I’d fucked her. But the fucking stopped, Barry. It stopped. And something else happened, something changed, and we both felt it. It was more than just sex. That connection – it was so fucking strong, and I think she… she’s scared, is all. I was scared, too, y’know? Feeling all those things after so many years of feeling nothing at all…’

‘But you can’t have her, Neal. All of that, it was just some – I dunno – some mind-blowing experience that you’ll never forget but… You can’t have her.’