Almost Alive (24 page)

             
I held Julian up by his right arm while we walked down the steps of the porch and out to the car.  He started to regain a little bit more strength and started stumbling over to the driver’s side, but I pushed him the opposite way.  “I’ll drive.”

             
“You’re upset—”

             
“And you’re drained!” I snapped angrily.  I knew I had no right to take everything out on him, but I was jealous.  I was so jealous that I didn’t know if my heart could take it!

             
I could see that he was willing to do just about anything to make my hurt go away.  I could tell by his furrowed brows and pouted and pitiful eyes.  “Can we talk about this?”

             
“Talk about what, Julian?  I have to talk about how messed up I am?  Cynthia barely did anything and your demons came out.  I didn’t act weird.  I didn’t even flinch!  I didn’t feel anything.  She couldn’t save me.  I can’t be saved.”

             
“Yes you can!” he yelled desperately.  “We just have to fast and pray like she said and—”

             
“I’m done, Julian!”  I didn’t want a ten step program.   I wanted to be fixed.  “I can’t do this anymore.”

             
As I climbed inside the car, I saw Cynthia watching us from the top of the porch steps.  I knew that she wanted me to come inside and talk about my feelings, but she was just wasting my time.  There was no cure for someone like me.

             
I barely waited for Julian to close his door before I sped off.  I was glad that Julian was fixed, but I wished I had never gotten my hopes up.  I had never been at a lower point in my resurrection. 

Julian was quiet for a while.  He was trying not to look at me or smile, but he was excited that he was free from everything
, and I couldn’t blame him.  It was terrible that he couldn’t share his joy with me, but I was just so angry!  After a while, he finally spoke calmly.  “It’s not all flowers and sunshine for me either.  She said evil was coming for me.  What is that supposed to mean?”

             
“I don’t know, but I’m sure you’ll be fine,” I said bitterly while gripping onto the wheel and inching my foot further into the gas pedal.  “It’s me who will be screwed.”

             
Julian looked out of his window at all of the cars on the highway that we were beginning to pass.  “Slow down and think!  You are not screwed.  I’m gonna help you.”

             
“No!”  We couldn’t be together.  He was going to find another girl, and I was going to be alone.  It was only our darkness that brought us together in the first place.  “You’re free and I’m just damaged.  I’m gonna lose my soul, and you’re gonna kill me!”

             
“That’s not gonna happen!”

             
Yes, it will.  Julian can’t be stopped, and you can’t be helped.  You might as well end it now. 
I started grinding my teeth and stepped harder on the pedal until we were approaching ninety.

             
“Michelle, stop!” 

I felt the anger over me beginning to break
, and I hit the brakes.  I started breathing heavily once I realized that I was planning on heading straight toward a concrete divider, and I was going to make sure that it hit his side.  I didn’t want to give away how close I was to ending Julian’s new life, but I couldn’t stop myself from wheezing like an asthma victim. 

“Park the car and get on my side.” 

              I nodded and slowed down until it was safe for me to merge over on the side of the road.  When I unclasped the steering wheel, I saw that my knuckles were white and my fingers were trembling.  Julian got out of the car and started marching over to the driver’s side.  I could barely catch my breath before he ripped the door open and pulled me out.

I think he knew what I was about to do.  He was shaky, but he was also pissed.  I tried to remain together, but I couldn’t.  I saw my reflection in the car
, and I remembered that’s what it wanted.  It wanted my body, and I just couldn’t deal.  “I don’t wanna live like this!”  I screamed and cried and kicked the tires of my car over and over again.  Anything was better than the pain of losing my soul.  I could never have love, and I’d never be safe.  I hated Julian for having something that I wanted, I hated Cynthia because she couldn’t help me, and I hated myself in case she was right about me wanting the demon.  After Julian ran up and restrained me from behind, I realized that the only person I didn’t think to hate was the demon.  “I can’t live like this.”

             
“You won’t have to.”  He kissed me on the cheek, but it was apprehensive.  It didn’t matter how many feelings he had toward me.  His kiss felt cold.  “I promise that I’ll get this demon out of you.  Do you understand me?”

             
I nodded and collapsed in his arms.  I was just so tired of fighting.  “Yes.  I understand.”

             
“Good.”  He helped me up into the passenger’s seat.  He was even so kind as to throw my blanket over me.  “Now go to sleep for real.  You’re gonna make me nervous that you’re gonna take the wheel and get rid of the both of us.”

He did know, and I felt so ashamed.  “Julian—”

“We’re gonna survive this.”  He grabbed my hand and smiled.  He had a lot more faith than I did.  It must have been nice being free.  “I just need you to want to.”

             
“I do.”  It was the only way we could be together.  I buried my face in my pillow and cried myself to sleep so I wouldn’t be a danger to anyone. 

When I woke up, we were back at Julian’s house.  He didn’t wake me up.  He was just sitting with his eyes closed while he mumbled out words.  I heard my name and listened more carefully.  “Lord, show me how to save her. 
I can’t do this alone, and I can’t afford to lose her.”

It should have been comforting that he was so concerned, but it troubled me that he was at a loss of ideas.  “Why didn’t you tell me we were home?”  I sat up
, and he quickly ended his prayer.  I pretended like I didn’t hear anything myself.  I didn’t want any more awkward drama.

“I didn’t want to disturb you.
” 

“I’m so sorry about how I acted earlier.  This is just the hardest thing I’ve ever been through in my life—hands down.
”  I laughed at how useless I was, only because I was so sick of crying.  “I can’t believe that she couldn’t help me.”

Julian took a deep breath and then looked at me.  He was about to say something, but then turned away.  It took him a couple of more seconds before he could work up the nerve to look at me again. 
“I didn’t want to get rid of mine either.”

“What?”
  I didn’t know what he was getting at, but I must have instinctually known.  I was getting heated!

“At first, I didn’t realize that I was possessed.  Then I
started wanting it.  I needed it.  It made my witchcraft stronger.  I could do real spells.  I could hurt people that hurt me.  All of my sexual desires were heightened.  Everyone who was weak fell prey to the demonic influence inside of me.  I was powerful…”  He almost sounded intoxicated.  He had to quickly catch himself.  “At least, I thought I was.  That sort of darkness is like a drug.”

Oh, I definitely was starting to see what he was getting at! 
“Are you suggesting that I want this?  I’m scared out of my mind.”

“That’s what was so thrilling about it!  I was scared of myself and what I did to other people, but I
loved it!”  I could see him flashbacking to the satisfaction that he must have felt to have his vengeance.  “There’s your spirit, and then there’s your flesh.  My spirit was in danger, and it wanted to be free, but my flesh had never felt so alive.”

“I’m not like you.  I’m not some witchcraft junkie!
”  He was so beyond offensive!  I didn’t want to hurt anyone.  The demon did.  I didn’t want to learn witchcraft or use spells.  The demon made me curious, but Maria scared the crap out of me with all her dark arts.  Julian was sick to want anything from a demon, but not me!  I was better than that.  “Cynthia was wrong about me and so are you.”

“You need help.  You need to not want it.”

“I don’t want the demon, Julian.  It’s ruined my life!”

“Do you honestly believe that or are you telling me that because it’s what I want to hear?”

I gaffed and turned away shaking my head.  It was just too unbelievable that he would think that low of me.  “My parents are probably worried.  I’m going home.”

He grabbed my arm before I could leave. 
“Don’t do anything stupid, Michelle.  I’ll pick you up for school tomorrow.  Maybe we can go get breakfast before.”

“I know we’re not a couple.  I don’t need a pity date.”

“No, but you need my friendship.”

“
I could infect you,” I mocked.

I don’t know why that douchebag thought it was funny. 
“I’ll be careful.  I swear that I won’t slip back into darkness while your soul is on the line.  I’m gonna save you.”

It sounded nice, but I couldn’t take his word.  He had what he wanted
, and he was going to be done with me.  “You lied to Maria about never leaving her.  Why should I believe you now?”

Maybe I hit a little low under the belt, but he recovered quickly anyway. 
“Just because I don’t have a demon inside of me doesn’t mean that I’m gonna start sinning again.  I’m not gonna lie.  I promise you, Michelle.”  He grinned and tried to get me to smile along with him, but it just wasn’t happening.

“I’ll see you around.”  I got out and walked around to the driver’s side.  He tried to look into my eyes
, and I awkwardly avoided him until I safely shuffled past him and got back inside.

I noticed he was looking around for something
as I was pulling off.  I realized that Maria’s car was nowhere in sight.  There was no telling where that crazy girl ran off to.  It’s not like she had any friends.

I decided not to care about her or Julian.  I had to focus on myself
, and I was determined to get to the bottom of why Cynthia couldn’t get my demon out.  I was planning a confrontation.  I wasn’t going to start some kind of spiritual ritual that would have taken only God knows how long to finish!  Julian would have tried to stop me, but he didn’t have a better alternative.  By the end of the night, I was going to be the master of my body.

              “Mom?  Dad?”  I received no answer and then bolted up the stairs to my room.  I ran into the bathroom and gripped my fingers onto the sink as I stared at my reflection.  I knew it was in there laughing at how miserable I was.  Well, I wasn’t taking it anymore!

             
“Get out of me.”  I still saw no change.  Perhaps I hadn’t said it with enough authority.  “Get out of me,” I seethed with as much hatred and power I could muster up.  Julian could snap me back to my senses, and he had a demon party going on inside of him.  There had to be a way for me to at least irritate it.  “I said get out!” I screamed piercing, but nothing changed.

             
I sighed and pressed my head against the mirror.  A few tears fell from my eyes and into the sink.  As I watched them fall into the drain, I silently sobbed with the revelation of just how stuck I was.  Maria told me once that I liked the danger, but I was scared.  Julian said that being scared made it more thrilling.  How could that be true?  How could I stop and appreciate my life if I were always on edge about it?

             
But then again, I didn’t appreciate my life when it was boring and safe.  I hated that everything was so dull.  I hated that I had so many components to my life that could have defined who I was, yet I had no idea.  The boring life I wanted back was the one I had easily given away.  So could I be trusted with it once more?  Did I even truly want it?

             
Perhaps Julian, Cynthia, and even Maria were right about me.  Beneath the danger and the pain, I was addicted to the thrill.

             
“Why do I think I need you?” I asked quietly to myself.  It was just a thought that escaped me, but then I realized that I really needed to know.  “Why do I think that I need you?”

             
I slowly looked up into the mirror, and I could see it in my eyes.  I pressed my head against the glass and giggled as I felt it close to me.  It touched my face and trailed my hands down my breasts and to my tiny stomach until it hugged me in excitement.  “I’m glad you see the light.”

             
I felt…Alive.  I felt like I could do anything.  I could be anyone.  I could make anyone love me.  I was in love with myself.  I was…Turned on.  I was everything I never used to be.  “You’re afraid that you’re incapable of feeling, and you know that I can make you feel good.”

             
I posed in the mirror and blew a kiss to myself.  I was hot!  Why didn’t I make more men see that?  “You wanted nothing before, and now I can give you everything!  Men,” she smirked, “women—all will seek to have you.  Just give into me.”

             
But then there was Julian.  I tried seducing him, and it never worked.  He wanted a real girl that he could actually love.  “And you’re most afraid that you can’t make yourself feel love.  You never felt it before.  Do you think it’s a coincidence that you finally learned to now?”

             
Was the demon right?  Did it give me the ability to feel love for Julian?  I didn’t remember truly loving anything or anyone, and now I was feeling everything.  I had passion!  I had ambition.

             
“But Julian will never love me as long as I have a demon.”  I stumbled back and shook my head.  I had been through a serious trip.  I remembered doing everything the demon had just done in my body.  I knew that everything she said came out of my mouth, but it still felt like I wasn’t quite there.  I shook my head to snap out of it, and I realized that my pants were lying on the floor and my sweater was unbuttoned enough to expose my breasts.  “What’s going on?”

             
I swayed from side to side and giggled as I felt it take over my body again.  “Don’t worry.  I’m just about to entertain a guest.”

             
I felt slinky and sexy as I came out of my room and started walking down the stairs, using my long and lengthy legs to my every advantage.  My house guest was none other than my mom’s hot yoga instructor, and I suddenly wasn’t so disgusted with him anymore.  After all, he was an attractive man, and I was soon to be the goddess that he worshiped.  “What are you doing here?”

             
He looked up from his backpack that he was digging through, and whatever train of thought he once had was broken.  He probably wasn’t used to seeing a hotter and younger version of my mother, but he was totally into it.  “Uh…”  He looked away and started laughing to himself.  He might have tried to be a gentleman, but he was smitten.

             
“How did you even get in here?”

             
He dared to look again, but his eyes shied away.  “Your mother left me a key.”

             
I got to the last step and leaned over the banister to be near, but not too close.  “Then you two must be pretty serious.”

             
“We are.”  And yet, he was eyeing my cleavage every time he thought I wasn’t looking!  “I was getting some of my stuff that I left here today.  I needed it for my class tomorrow.”

             
I smirked and carefully stepped down and began circling around him until I was on his left side.  “Why don’t you show me some moves?”

             
“Um…”  He turned his head away from me again and laughed in nervous disbelief.  I knew he had to have been breaking.  He was child’s play.  “I was talking about the class I have at the university.”

             
“I forget how young you are.”  I had no idea he was still in college, but he certainly did look a tiny bit older than me.  “What are you studying?”

             
“Physics.”

             
“Physics?” I smiled. “I like physics.”

             
“You do?” he asked surprised.  I guess neither of us looked like physics nerds.

             
“I do.”  I took his strong hand in began to stroke it softly with my finger.  His natural urges were bad enough, but I could make my lust leave my body and enter his.   It was exhilarating, and all I was doing was circling his palm.  “Maybe I could show you a thing or two.”

             
“I don’t think this is such a good idea.”  His luscious lips said one thing, but they still moved in closer to mine regardless. 

             
“Oh, come on!  You can’t be one of those naïve people involved in the affair.  My mother is never going to divorce my father.  You’re her toy.”  I snaked my arms up his chest and up to his shoulders.

             
“And what are you supposed to be?” he asked with a tiny smirk.

             
“I’m your salvation.”  I quickly pecked his lips.  It was completely unsatisfying, and that’s how I wanted it to be for him.  I needed his desire of me to truly settle in until he didn’t care about anything else.  “I saw the way you looked at me the other day.  My mother is so much older than you that she thinks of you as a boy.  I see that you’re a man.  Do what men do.”

             
He was lost in me after that.  I had fueled him with enough lust, and he spread his contamination on my lips, cheeks, and neck.  He dropped his bag and swept me up in his arms.  I squealed as he carried me to the kitchen countertop.  I didn’t exactly mind.  I could have done it anywhere, but I knew we wouldn’t be able to finish.  I knew things all of the sudden—things normal humans wouldn’t be able to just know.  I knew that by the time he ripped the rest of the buttons off my blouse that my parents would be home.  I knew that Yoga Boy would be too distracted to hear the door open and that we’d be caught just as he started taking off his shirt.

             
When my mother gasped in pure horror and pain, it was just as satisfying as I knew it would be.

             
“Cassidy!”  He stepped away from me and pulled his shirt down embarrassed.  “This isn’t what it looks like!”

             
Despite all of the betrayal my father had been through, he was still righteously indignant and plowed his fist angrily into poor Yoga Boy’s face.  “Get out of my house!”

             
Yoga Boy touched the side of his mouth where he felt blood.  He was angry enough to fight back and even if he weren’t, I could have pushed him into it.  However, his shame was much more interesting.  He nearly started to cry when he looked at my mother.  He probably wanted to beg her forgiveness, but he said nothing.  He snatched his bag up and quietly left our house so he could go meditate on how he ruined the best thing he ever had.

             
“What is wrong with you?”  Dad slammed a big kitchen towel into my chest to cover up my breasts.  “How could you let him touch you?”

             
“I thought it was only fair after I touched him first.”  I looked past my dad so I could see my mother’s reaction.  She was sobbing so hard about her little boyfriend that I was starting to get really offended for my father.  “He was nothing to her anyway.”

             
Mom gasped out a loud breath of air that she desperately needed.  “He told me that he loved me—”

             
“And I guess you know that it was a lie!”  I smirked evilly at my dear mother.  She should have been thanking me for my generosity.

             
Mom covered her mouth and screamed into her hands.  She was aching with emotions.  Her shoulders were shaking, and she was turning a nice shade of pink.  She probably would have cussed me out if she could manage to breathe.  Instead, she ran upstairs to her room just so she wouldn’t have to look at me.

             
Dad wasn’t amused and yelled right in my face.  “How could you do this to your mother?”

             
“I was doing you both a favor!  Now you both know that her boyfriend was insincere.”

             
“You did this to get the two of us back together?”  He was mortified.  “We’re adults.  You’re almost an adult.  We have to be honest about how we feel and do what we need.”

             
“And I did what I needed to do.”

             
As angry as he was, he somehow managed to calm down.  He needed me to understand.  He was begging.  “I know your mother doesn’t deserve to be treated better and neither do I, but I know you, Michelle.  You don’t wanna be this person that you’ve become.  You don’t wanna hurt your mother.”

             
That’s where he was wrong.  “But I do, and I did.”  She was supposed to take care of me, and she didn’t.  She deserved to be punished.  “Excuse me.”

             
I pushed passed him and went back up to my room.  I didn’t feel any remorse for what I had done.  There was only the immense satisfaction of knowing that I was receiving everything that I wanted.  My mom only had my father now.  They had to fix things.  “Well done.”

             
“We make a good team,” said the demon projected as me.  She was sitting comfortably on my bed with her arms crossed.  “We should make this partnership permanent.”

             
“How did you know that her boyfriend was going to be here and that Mom and Dad would catch us?”

             
“Demons talk.  It’s not exactly omniscience, but it does a pretty good job.”
She patted a spot on my bed and drew attention to my beeping phone.  “Someone is trying to reach you.”

             
I curiously picked up my phone and scrolled through the missed calls.  “Julian and Michael!  Who should I choose?”

             
“Michael has that game.  He’s probably in halftime.”

             
“Right…”  I remembered our intimate night that ultimately didn’t mean a whole lot.  I wondered if he were really falling for me.  “I have to keep my promises.  I guess I’m gonna go to the football game.”

             
She smiled naughtily.  “Good girl.”

             
I blushed.  I totally knew what the demon was trying to do, but I wasn’t that gullible.  I wasn’t sleeping with Michael again and losing another chunk of my soul.  I would use the demon, but it wasn’t going to play me.  “I’m not saying that I wanna be partners or anything.  I’m just testing this thing out.”

             
“I completely understand.”  It was quiet for a little bit and looked away, but I knew that it had something else to say.  It had the look. “But you know this ‘God’ thing will never work out.”

             
I had a sinking feeling in my stomach.  That was my suspicion, but I couldn’t believe that.  “Why would you say that?”

             
She chuckled. “Because you hate him.”

             
“No.”  I forced myself to be angrier than what I actually was.  “I don’t!”

             
“You do!  Everyone he sent to hell does.  It’s hard not to hold a grudge.  It’s the worst place ever.”

             
I couldn’t remember, but I knew that I didn’t want to.  Every time I thought about it, I couldn’t breathe.  “What did you do to get sent there?”