Almost Alive (23 page)

             
“I have to.  If I didn’t, I’d probably kill myself again,” he mumbled out with sad a chuckle.

             
I cringed at his crude joke.  It was still a little too fresh for me.  My life wasn’t together enough.  “I wasn’t nearly this depressing or desperate before.”

             
“I don’t think you’re desperate.”

             
“You don’t?”  I found that a little hard to believe.

             
“I think you’re trying to find a reason to live. That’s not desperate.  That’s…Being human.”

             
I didn’t handle human well when I was all human.  What was I now that I had chunks of my soul missing?  “I don’t think I was very fun.  I mean I had some fun, but it wasn’t big fun.  I didn’t laugh that hard.  I got good grades, but I never tried, so I never felt like I accomplished anything.  I never felt like a genius, so I didn’t have any pride in my work.  I had no idea what I wanted to do out of high school.”

The more I went on about it, the more pathetic I felt my life was.  “I hung out with my friends when they asked.  It was often, but I never felt like I wanted to.  It was more of an obligation. 
My boyfriend was someone who was a friend for a very long time.  We didn’t have any passion.  Even when we had sex…” 

Julian’s eyes were like bright spotlights burning into my eyes, so I couldn’t look directly into them.  I felt the heat from the
question, but also the emptiness of looking out into the world and seeing darkness.  “It turned out to be a mistake.”

He was amused.  I could tell by the smile he was trying to hide.  “Talents?”

“None.”

“You shoot okay.”

I burst out into a short and loud laugh.  “You don’t wanna know which can I was actually aiming for!”

             
“You’ll get better,” he snickered.  “Do you have a favorite song?”

             
I paused and then ended up amazed with myself.  “No.”

             
“You didn’t have a favorite song?”  He practically jumped out of his seat.  “Everyone has a favorite song, Michelle!”

             
“I didn’t have a favorite anything.  I was a void.  I can’t even tell you what I was like.  I was nothing.  I guess that’s why it was so easy to die.”  I was afraid to look into Julian’s eyes after making such a sad and troublesome comment, but they curiously wandered up to them.

             
“Sometimes you have to lose yourself before you find yourself.”  And oddly enough, he smirked adorably.  “I know what kind of person you are now.”

             
I crossed my arms and leaned into my seat.  “And who am I?”

             
“You’re sarcastic and I really like that.  You’ve got a lot of bite, so I know you’re a fighter.”  He made a flirty gesture with his eyes and I sort of melted.  “You just can’t be afraid to let that part of you out.  You’re extremely compassionate, almost to the point of complete naivety.”

“Hey—”

“You’re stubborn and I kind of hate that right now,” he grunted, “but hopefully I can mold your will to my advantage.”

He did his flirty eyes again
, and I had to turn my head to hide all of my smiles.  My stomach was doing cartwheels, and I was so flustered and hot in my face.  If I had felt even a little bit of the attraction I felt for Julian in my past relationship, I probably wouldn’t have been repulsed by the sex.

“
You’re optimistic.  You’re a romantic.”  His fingers gently reached over to my chin and guided my face to his gorgeous smile.  “You’re beautiful.”

             
And there it was again!  I felt.  I could feel!  Nothing in my past life compared to how he made me…Want him.  I could barely speak to him without speaking in a nervous giggle.   “What does that have to do with my personality?”

             
“Nothing.  I just thought you deserved to know what I thought of you.”  He was such a wonderful gentleman and didn’t dwell on the chemistry that was floating around in our atmosphere.  He continued driving coolly while I tried to catch my breath.

             
“Has it crossed your mind…?”  I pulled my hair behind my ear and gulped.  “…The two of us?”

             
“I can’t be with anyone while this demon is trapped inside of me, but if I was free and if you were free…”  Then I saw he wasn’t unaffected.  He was simply stronger than I was.

             
My eyes made contact with his hand that was resting on the top of the storage container that separated the two of us.  I bit my lip as my fingers began crawling toward his hand.  He looked down once and then did a double take.  He began to look nervous, but I didn’t stop until my hand rested on top of his.  “You’re a romantic too.”

His eyes made contact with mine after I gently stroked his hand with my thumb.  My heart was pounding through my ears
, and my feelings were so strong for him that I think I was making myself sick, but it was in a good way.  I felt more passion from our small moments than I ever did with my ex.  “I like that you’re sarcastic.  You’re tough—maybe too tough, but I need it.  You’re stubborn, but I’m gonna mold you into the perfect gentlemen.”

He flashed a smirk.

“You’re kind.  You’re distant because you have to be.  You sacrifice your heart to do what’s right, but you can’t fool me.  Inside, you’re a real sweetheart.  Not too many guys will pull your hair back while you puke.”

             
He laughed.  “And not too many girls would stick around after I suggested letting them get beat up to learn a valuable lesson.”  He was trying to dull the feeling between the two of us.  It partially worked.

             
“Oh, you almost lost me!”

             
“I know.”  But then he made eye contact again.  “I’m glad you came back.”

             
“I am too.”  I kept my eyes focused on his hand and slowly, he opened it up for me to interlock our fingers and become as one.  “You know, I accept that there has to be a God.  I would like to believe that there’s a heaven, and I can rest there and be safe.  That idea that it’s there waiting for me is not enough.  I need something now to keep me going.”

             
“You have to keep searching for a reason, Michelle.”

             
“You idiot!”  I raised his hands to my lips and kissed it softly. “I’ve already found my reason.”

             
He gently caressed my skin with his thumb.  I didn’t know how much I’d be able to take him tingling my body.  “When we’re free, I don’t know where this will go, but I promise to throw myself in.  I wanna figure this out.  I haven’t felt this way since Eleanor.”  He was relieved.  Maria was right about Julian and how he shut people out because of what happened.  He was glad to finally be wrong.

             
“I haven’t felt this way since…”  I pretended to think.  “Never!”

             
So I had another reason to be desperately optimistic about regaining my humanity.  It wasn’t just my life and my soul on the line.  It was a chance to feel something real.  It was a chance to be embraced in the beauty of truth and surrender to being vulnerable and to have the chance to be grateful to wake up every morning.  I had to believe that I could be saved because it was the only way I could feel love. 

              “Are you nervous?”  Julian asked me.

             
“Why would you ask me that?”

             
“Because you’ve been standing in front of the door for five minutes, clenching your fists, and debating whether or not you’re gonna knock.”

             
I realized that he was right.  My knuckles were a few inches away from the door, but I didn’t have the nerve to knock.  “Okay!  I’m nervous, Julian.  I don’t know what I should do.”

             
He shrugged nonchalantly.  “Maybe we should go back.”

             
“What?”  I thought he understood how much I needed this.

             
“It’s probably not gonna work.  We should just go home.”  He wouldn’t even come up on the porch.  I could understand if he didn’t wanna give his hopes up, but we had driven three hours, and we were at her door!

             
“Why do you wanna go?”

Julian
looked at the tiny house.  It was a safe neighborhood, but he was jumpy like a gang was gonna jump out of a car, beat him senseless, and take his money.  “I don’t feel safe.”  To attest that, he jumped back as the door slowly opened.  I was still watching him and saw the color drain from his face.

“Can I help you?”
  I recognized the young woman from the internet.  She was a dark skinned black woman with long and thin braids.  She was dressed in a white pants suit.  She probably hadn’t been back from church for that long.

             
I looked to Julian, but he was still apprehensive.  It was completely unlike him, so I went ahead and cleared my throat to find some courage.  “Yes.  Is Cynthia here?”

             
Her mouth dropped, and she laughed to herself as she opened the door wide.  “I can’t believe it.”

             
“What can’t you believe?”

             
She had a big mouth and an incredibly perfect smile.  “She’s expecting you!”  She crossed her arms and just stared at the two of us like we were supposed to have the answers.  I turned to Julian, but he was still acting weird.  “Come in.”

             
Julian wasn’t moving, so I took his hand and pulled him inside with me.  He was nearly tripping up behind me, and though he didn’t put up a good struggle, I could tell that he really wanted his arm back so he could leave.

The house was small
, and we were in the television room as soon as we stepped inside.  A TV Evangelist was preaching hard from his gestures, but the sound was muted.  An old woman was sitting in a chair knitting a scarf.  She didn’t look like the powerhouse I had read about, but I read about her warmth and I could certainly feel it.  “Hello, Cynthia.”

             
“Hello.”  She smiled and sat her scarf and pins on a lamp table sitting right next to her.  “Please take a seat.”

             
I did as I was told—regardless of how awkward I felt when Julian’s hand pulled away.  I took a seat on the couch in the corner and rested my shaking hands in my lap.  I wanted Julian to sit next to me and motioned him with my eyes to obey, but he stubbornly leaned up against the wall and folded his arms.  “I’d rather stand.”

             
Cynthia’s granddaughter closed the front door and grinned hard at me before walking into the kitchen to observe from a distance.  I didn’t know what she expected us to do to Cynthia, but I was no threat to her.  It was kind of freaking me out that they might have thought that I was. 

“How do you know us?”
I asked Cynthia.

             
“I don’t know you, but I had a dream that two people would come to me today asking for help.”  She smiled and looked at me, then Julian, and then when she got back to me, she grinned harder.

             
I waited for something to happen…Very awkwardly.  I looked back to Julian, and he was looking at his black painted nails like he was incredibly bored.  I couldn’t wrap my mind around it.  “Do you know what we need help with?”

             
“I can easily figure it out.  You’ve got demons inside of you.”  Her eyes trailed back to Julian.  “Both of you.”

             
I turned around to see him.  I had never seen him look like that.  I don’t think I had ever seen anyone look like that.  His eyes burned with so much hatred, but it was like he was looking past Cynthia but right at her at the same time.  He was seeing something that I couldn’t.  He hated every molecule in her body.  “We should go.”

             
“Why?  She’s obviously legit.”  I stood up and started inching closer to Julian.  I had been afraid of him before, but this was different.  I was pretty sure he was going to do something to hurt Cynthia.  “Julian, she’s just trying to help.”

             
He shook his head and sneered like an angry dog would do.  He started growling like he was an animal and his voice had hit such a low tone that the floorboards began to rattle underneath my feet.  He had the same face, but I didn’t recognize him.  “She’s a liar.  She’s trying to scare us.”

             
My fingers were trembling as I reached out to touch him.  I just wanted to calm him down.  He was going rabid.  “Julian, what’s wrong?” 

             
Cynthia pushed herself off of her chair with shaking arms.  She was physically weak and burdened with age, but her presence stood as she did and enveloped the room.  “His demons are manifesting.”

             
My eyes widened.  “I’m sorry! Did you just say that he had demons?  He has more than one?” I screamed.

             
Each step Cynthia took, the more predatory he was.  I saw his fingers stretching and then tightening into fists.  Cynthia’s granddaughter came from the kitchen to make sure he wouldn’t try anything.  I could see that he clearly wanted to, but he was also frightened and pinned against the wall. “Stay away from us!”

             
“From us?”  I could barely hear his identity.  It was contorted with an inhuman monster that spoke low and another that hissed like a snake.  His eyes never changed colors, but they were different.  I can’t explain it, but they weren’t his.  “Julian, grab a hold of yourself!”

             
“Calm down.”  Cynthia tapped my shoulder and pulled me back.  I glanced at her eyes and saw her confidence.  “I’ve got this.” 

I stepped aside and backed away slowly from Julian who had begun to officially freak me out. 
He pressed the palms of his hands against the wall and started to press his foot on it.  The more desperate he got the less human he became. 

Cynthia stood up straight with the strength of a young woman and smirked and the sniveling demon. 
“Come out.”

             
“Nooooooooooooo!”  The floor began to tremble from his cries.  He winced in pain and found his footing on the wall, though there seemed to be nowhere for him to go.

“Julian…?”
  I was so frightened that I could only speak his name above a whisper.  If he had become such a creature, I was terrified of what I would become and skeptical if I could ever have him back.

             
Cynthia took another step forward, so Julian took another step up the wall.  I gasped and fell to my knees and screamed silently as I watched the impossible unfold.  I didn’t hear his bones break, but something had changed.  He walked on his hands as perfectly as a goat would walk on their hind legs up toward the ceiling.  He snarled and warned Cynthia to stay away from him like a wild wolf, but she didn’t even flinch.

“Come
.   Out. Now!”

             
Julian fell to the floor and cried out in agonizing pain.  As he screamed, the demons did, and it certainly sounded like there was more than two.  Cynthia stood over Julian as he squirmed helplessly, but he moved his head so I could see his eyes.  I could see Julian again.  “Please…”  Black tears streamed down his face.  “Help me.”

“Julian?
”  I began crawling toward him, but then Cynthia’s granddaughter placed her hand on my shoulder. 

“It’s a trick.  I know it’s hard, but you have to let my grandmother finish this.”

The demon might have been trying to trick me, but I believed that Julian’s pain was real.  I could see veins popping out of his face and neck.  “I’m sorry!”

He gritted his teeth and growled at me.  I was certain if he w
eren’t helpless against Cynthia’s might that he would have killed me. 

Cynthia began speaking in a language I didn’t understand
, and Julian really began to scream.  I tried to ignore his cries, but a black liquid began to ooze from out of his ears, his nose, and his mouth.  That severely crept me out, but it wasn’t as bad as when he rolled over on his stomach and began to violently cough up blood.  “Julian!”

             
Cynthia was completely unalarmed.  “Sometimes the demons fight their way out.  They tear out flesh and blood on their way.”  But the blood kept on coming until it was a sizable puddle on the floor.  Then she looked intrigued.  “This is too much for an ordinary demon.  This is specifically a demon of lust.”

             
Julian collapsed on the ground quietly and breathing deeply.  I hoped the worst was over, but I was too frightened to really see for myself.  “And the black bile?”

             
“Witchcraft.”

             
I looked at Cynthia amazed.  “He used to practice.  His sister still does.”  I stood to my feet and wiped my tears.  “How do you do this?”

             
“A lot of prayer equals a lot of power.”  She smiled like a sweet grandmother, even though she had just displayed how absolutely hardcore she was.  “Spend enough time with God and he begins to bestow his secrets.” 

“Is Julian okay now?”

“I exercised his demons.  He should recover just fine.”

I breathed a sigh of relief.  I touched my heart to see if it had started beating again, and it had started a rapid pace as
Cynthia’s hand began colliding with my forehead.  “Now it’s your turn.”

             
I closed my eyes and held my breath.  I didn’t want to climb walls and spit up black goo, but I did want to live through the rest of my life.  I waited for my demon to come to the surface and to feel at least a little bit of the pain it had made me feel since it invaded my body.  I wanted it to suffer!  But, I didn’t feel anything.  I opened one eye and saw Cynthia’s lips moving quickly, but barely any sound was coming from her mouth.  Eventually, she opened her eyes and placed her hand at her side.  I felt completely unchanged.  Nothing had happened.  “What’s wrong?”

             
She took a deep breath and sighed heavily.  “You don’t want this demon out of you.”

             
I gasped quick but full of revulsion.  “That’s ridiculous.”  I could hardly speak because I was so disgusted and upset.  “I want it out more than anything.”

             
Cynthia slightly shook her head and gently pressed her hand against my cheek.  “You’re holding onto it for whatever reason.”

             
I angrily stepped away and started screaming until my throat went hoarse.  “This thing is killing me!  I want to be delivered.  Please!”  I broke down in a fit of tears and sobbed silently until I ached and turned completely pink.  She had no idea how petrified I was.  Each day I lived, I thought it would be my last.  Dying was one thing, but completely disappearing…?  “I’ll do anything.”

             
I wanted her to try again.  I could see her compassion for me.  Her heart was touched, and it was breaking, and yet she refused me.  “Fast and pray.  Sometimes, it’s the only way.  That’s what you both should do.”

She turned around and looked to Julian.  Her granddaughter was helping him wipe the blood and bile from his face.  Julian could barely lift his hands to do it himself.  His eyes kept fluttering as he s
truggled to keep them open.  He was exhausted, but couldn’t stop smiling.  He was so grateful.  “He’s special.  You have to look out for him.  Evil is waiting for him.  If he’s not careful, it’ll win.”

             
I crossed my arms and turned away from her.  “I can’t believe this.”

             
“Would you like some tea?” she asked sweetly.  “We can talk about this.”

             
“No.  I just wanna leave!”  I couldn’t take it.  I didn’t want my demon to win.  I wanted to get rid of it so I could be with Julian!  I could barely think straight.  I should have listened to Cynthia or at least helped clean up Julian’s mess, but I couldn’t bear the thought of staying there any longer. 

I grabbed Julian’s arm and helped him to his feet.  He wobbled a little bit, but he was good to go.  He was completely normal
, and I was still a monster.  “Thank you for everything,” I told Cynthia.  “I really appreciate all this.”

             
As I was pulling Julian out of the front door, I wearily waved goodbye.  He didn’t have enough strength to truly express his gratitude, but it was still real.  “Thank you.”