Almost Broken (22 page)

I’m letting go of Chris and Cal, along with whoever else is in there.

Things are great.

Caylen’s taken to my family like she’s been around forever. My dad and I are back on good terms. The anger and bitterness that came over me whenever I looked at him is gone, and the most surprising thing is that Jenna and I are on good terms too. No more angry glares or condescending comments. I can touch her without her snatching away from me, and we’ve been able to spend time together without a fight. The constant tug of war going on inside of me is over. Whatever was happening, the outbursts that came without me being able to stop them are gone. The mood swings haven’t come back anymore, and I feel like myself again. Everything is great, I should be elated. I should be happy.

I’m not.

Lauren’s changed. Things have changed between us. Ever since that stupid night at the diner, nothing has been the same. I shouldn’t want them to be different. We’re cordial that’s all I should want, but I want more. It’s not like we’re bad. When I see her in the morning, she speaks. At dinner, she’s cordial to me like she is with everyone else. When I go and get Caylen from her to give her a break, she manages to smile, but it seems forced. She’s different. Almost like a shell of herself.

Our cooking lessons have stopped. The first night I knocked on her door after the diner, she said she was tired, and we’d postpone. The second night I knocked on her door, she said she didn’t feel well. The third night, she answered the door and avoided my eyes. She avoided looking at me altogether. She barely glances at me now. She said she talked to my mom about giving her lessons so she won’t be a bother to me.

She’s never been a bother. I wanted to teach her because I wanted to spend time with her, to get to know her, and for her to get to know me. It seemed like a lost cause to argue, and how can I argue? I know why she’s pulled back. I just hate that it’s so easy for her. It hasn’t been easy at all for me. I understand it’s what she needs to do. I made it clear there’s a line one not to be crossed, and she obviously won’t even come near it now. It’s selfish of me to want to walk the line, and want her walk it too, but I can’t help it. I look for excuses to be around her, but it doesn’t last long. She usually finds a reason to leave the room quickly after I enter. I’m jealous of the time she spends with my mom, where she genuinely smiles and looks like the weight of the world isn’t on her shoulders. She’s different with everyone else. It’s only with me that it looks like a part of her is missing.

I should leave things as they are, but I feel off-balance, like something is lost in me. I finally scheduled an appointment with the doctor Aidan’s friend sees. She’s booked out for the next month, but I’m on the waiting list if a cancelation occurs. Too bad the doctor’s all the way in Chicago so if something does open up, it’s not going to be easy to get there. Jenna’s glad I made an appointment. I haven’t talked to Lauren about it. I’m pretty sure she’s washed her hands of me, but I know it was something that she wanted me to do.

I know it’s something I need to do because I really need someone to tell me why I steal glances at a girl I haven’t known long. Why these feelings are here, and when they will go away. Why, deep down, I don’t think I want them to go away. I haven’t had any more memories in the past week. My dad might have been right. Lauren could possibly be a trigger, the reason Cal shows me glimpses into my other life. It was weird. It was scary, but I’d never felt better.

“Honey, is everything okay?” my mom asks as we sit in the living room, watching her favorite show on the Food Network while Caylen plays with her toys. We’ve had dinner, and Lauren’s gone to back to her room. I’m not sure what she does in there. There isn’t a TV or anything. I guess she could be on her laptop. I wonder if I wasn’t here, would she be in here with my mom and Caylen. I know the answer to that, though.

She would be here if I wasn’t.

“Yeah, it’s just been a long day,” I say with a sigh.

“I think Lauren and I are going to try this recipe,” she says, recording the show and turning towards me.

“How is she?” I ask her casually.

“She’s doing really well. She’s not as bad a cook as she made herself seem.” My mom chuckles.

“I didn’t really mean the cooking, Mom? “I say hesitantly.

“Maybe you should ask her, Chris,” she says simply.

“It’s not that easy. She doesn’t really want to be around me,” I admit.

“Why is that?” my mom asks genuinely.

Because you suck at life. You’re an oblivious jerk. A giant pussy.

“She probably thinks things are better this way,” I say quietly. My mom turns the TV to
Nick Jr.
and comes and sits next to me on the couch.

“How do you feel about that?” Her green eyes seem to see through me. She puts her hand on mine, and I say what I’ve wanted to say since that night I pushed her away.

“Terrible,” I admit.

“Son, I know you are in a very difficult situation. Are you sure you don’t want to talk to Dr. Lyce? I know you’re not fond of her keeping your condition from you, but she is a very good doctor,” my mom says, and I roll my eyes.

“No. I’m not dealing with her anymore,” I say adamantly, and she nods.

“I don’t have the answers that you need. I can’t explain what you’re feeling or why.” She sighs. “But I don’t think it would be wise to make a life changing decision that you’re feeling so conflicted about,” my mom says quietly.

“What do you mean?” I ask her. Is she saying what I think she’s saying?

“Maybe you and Jenna should take a break,” my mom says, looking at me cautiously.

“I—I can’t do that. Jenna won’t take it as a break, especially after I proposed to her.”

“Christopher, when you marry someone, there should be no doubt or second guessing,” my mom says, her soft tone stern.

“When I married your father, I knew that I could spend the rest of my life with him and not think twice. There was no other person that I wanted or imagined myself being with,” she says, a warm smile spreading across her face. After all these years, she still loves him.

“If you can’t say that, there’s a big problem,” she says adamantly. “I know that Jenna was there for you, that she was a great friend to you while I was sick. I love her for that and was glad you had someone that was able to pull you out of your depression and help you face things.”

I can hear the “but” coming.

“…But there was so much going on at that time, and you were just settling back into your life that had been interrupted so frequently. I know that you love her.” She takes my hand.

      
“Are you in love with her, honey? Are you with Jenna at this moment because you love her and can’t imagine not having her in your life?”

      
I start to think about what she’s just said. I love Jenna, I do. Am I in love with her…I can feel my heart beating with each word she says. I never really thought about being in
love
with a person. Movies romanticize everything. They make being in love seem sugar-coated, a roller coaster, surreal. I think love is sacrifice. True love is being with someone through the hard times, through sickness, through poverty. My parents faced all of that. I know that they love each other. I know that I could do that for Jenna. I know that Jenna would do that for me. Still there’s moments like now when my mom talks about my dad and her eyes light up. The moments they’re together when no one is watching ,when they’re actions aren’t for show, that I think maybe being in love isn’t a fairy tale…and when Cal looked at Lauren—when I looked at Lauren. Suddenly, my heart starts beating in my ears. I feel nervous, my skin is hot, and it becomes harder to breath. Like my body has forgotten how. My chest is getting tighter and tighter.

“Christopher, are you okay?” My vision is getting blurry.

“I—I can’t breathe,” I choke out. “My chest,” I say, standing up trying to catch my breath but it’s not working. I see my mom’s eyes widen in horror.

“William! William!”

Her yells turn to screams as I hear footsteps leaving the room. My whole body is shaking. It’s harder and harder to breath.

“I’m calling 911,” I hear someone say, but everything is starting to sound muffled.

I don’t know who says what.

Then.

I feel a warm hand on my arm and I’m pushed back on the couch.

“I think he’s having a heart attack,” a voice says.

“He’s not having a heart attack,” says another voice.

A moment later, someone is sitting on top of me, warm hands grip my chin and lift my head up.

It’s Lauren, sitting on top of me, on my lap. Her hands are shaking she’s holding my head in them and making me look at her.

“Chris, you have to breathe,” she says, her voice is shaky but stern. “Everything is okay. You just have to breath,” she’s says again, I nod as I try to do as she says. My mom has
Caylen in her arms, but is still on the phone.

“Deep breaths, Chris. Everything is fine,” she says, stroking my head, holding my cheek close to her chest. My chest untightens and air is starting to fill my lungs again. I feel my temperature cooling, my heart not racing as fast.

“It’s going to be okay. Breathe through your nose now,” she says, continuing to stroking my head. Her voice isn’t shaky anymore and instead calm, sweet like a lullaby, all of my senses slowly return to normal.

“What just happened?” mom say frantically. I glance up at her, her color almost gone from her face. She’s shaking with Caylen in one hand and a phone in the other.

“Oh, yes ma’am, never mind. Everything’s fine. He’s going to be okay,” she says into the phone.

“He just had a panic attack,” Lauren says, still holding me close to her. I notice my arms are around her back. I don’t even remember putting them there, but it feels natural, and I’m still not letting her go.

“My friend used to have them,” she says quietly. I feel her leaning back from me. I loosen my grip around her waist. I’m too embarrassed to look up at her. She lifts my chin up so that I have to look at her, and she smiles. The sweetest smile I’ve ever seen from her, the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen in my life. She’s like an Angel.

“You saved me,” I tell her, looking up into those big hazel eyes. I didn’t know how much I missed seeing them until now.

She shakes her head. “You weren’t dying.” She giggles.

“I
almost died!” my mom says, letting out a breath of relief. She holds a hand to her chest.

“What’s going on?” My dad’s voice is sharp and angry, and everyone’s attention in the room goes to him. Lauren immediately slips off my lap.

“Chris, he had some sort of panic attack” my mom explains.

“I thought I was having a heart attack,” I explain, missing the warmth of Lauren’s body. My dad frowns.

Lauren’s back with a glass of water. I take it from her.

“Thank you,” I say gratefully.

“No problem,” she says simply, a small smile on her face.

She’s looking at me again.

“I really thought he was dying,” my mom says, her voice choking out. Lauren takes Caylen from my mom’s arms, and as soon as she does, she rushes over and hugs me.

“I’m sorry, Mom,” I say. She looks more afraid than I was.

“Don’t do that again,” she says sternly, and I laugh after she kisses me on the head like I’m five.

“Thank you, Lauren,” she says, then goes over to her and squeezes her tight.

“I was so scared, William,” she says, relived then swats my dad on the shoulder.

“What took you so long?” she asks him angrily.

“I came as fast as I could,” he says defensively.

First DID, and now panic attacks? What a great catch I am, but at least it was better than a blackout.

“What happened?” my dad asks gruffly.

“It just came out of nowhere. We were talking, and he went pale. He was shaking and then saying he couldn’t breathe,” my mom answers for me.

Lauren looks at me a little suspiciously.

“What were you talking about?” my dad asks.

“Nothing in particular,” my mom answers again.

“Thank God Lauren was here. That would have been another medical bill that we don’t need,” I say, standing from the couch and stretching my limbs.

“Yeah, thank God,” my dad mumbles before leaving the room. Now I feel heat on my face and everything starts to blur out around me, and I’m no longer in my parents’ house but in a small apartment with boxes all stacked up.

“Thank God that’s the last box. I didn’t think that many clothes could fit in this apartment,” Lauren says, flopping onto a small white couch in a little apartment. Her hair’s up in a ponytail, and she’s wearing a tiny white t-shirt, revealing her stomach as her sweatpants sit low on her waist.

“Well everyone’s closet can’t be big as a freakin’ living room, Mr. Scott,” she quips, walking towards me. He pull her by the hand to sit on his lap.

“Yours will now,”
he
retorts as his lips find her neck.

“It will.” She giggles, wiggling on his lap.

“Don’t wake up the monster unless you want him to come out to play,” he says in her ear.

“Maybe I want him to come out to play,” she says seductively, her hands rubbing against his crotch, in a second he’s rolled on top her on the couch.

“I was kidding!” She laughs in his face, and he tickles her until she turns red.

“Stop. Cal. Please,” she says in between fits of laughter. He stop and kisses her on the neck, and she wraps her arms around his neck.

“Is it always going to be this great?” she asks sincerely.

“It’ll be even better,” he says confidently, and she bites her lip and sighs.

“I can’t believe next month we’ll be married,” she squeals, and then her expression falls. “Are you sure you really want to marry me? To be with me and just me for the rest of your entire life? When I’m old wrinkly, gray, and my boobs sag down to the floor?” she asks, her eyes sparkling.

“I didn’t sign up for saggy boobs,” he says with a grimace, shaking his head. She frowns at him, and then he cracks a smile. She pushes him away.