Almost Infamous: A Supervillain Novel (31 page)

“That’s better,” Trojan Fox said as she put her earring on.

“And if you ask really nice, he’ll probably eat your pussy,” Ghost Girl joked.

“Hey!” I exclaimed.

“Ew,” Trojan Fox said, shuddering.

“HEY!” I exclaimed, even louder.

“I’m sorry, but that’s just gross,” Trojan Fox said.

“Oh come on, he’s not
that
bad,” Ghost Girl added.

“You do know I’m still here, right?” I said, ready for them to change the subject.

“Peace of mind, got it,” Trojan Fox said. “Now get the hell out of here, all right?”

I started to feel better the moment we walked out of the workshop. Despite her personality and volatility and, well, pretty much everything else about her, I really respected Trojan Fox. She was easily the smartest person on this island, was more invested in keeping the team alive and together than just about anyone, and was a strong contender for the second best showman on our team after myself. She gave me a lot of shit, but she smiled enough after doing it that I knew she liked me.

I could hear Odigjod teleport into the workshop behind us.

“Sounds like her ride’s here,” I said.

Ghost Girl looked over her shoulder, her eyes gold. “In more ways than one.”

It took a second for this to sink in. “Odigjod?”

“Oh yeah.”

“And her?”

“Yes.”

“Ew.”

If Trojan Fox found anything in those next few days, she didn’t tell us. It was business as usual around the mansion as we hung out, attended therapy (which was a mixed bag, since therapy had Nevermore on something of an abstinence bend while she tried to rediscover herself), and spent every available moment planning for our Amber City job. It may have been an easy Black Cape Job, but in our state we didn’t want to fuck it up.

There was a lot of talk about which one of our old teammates we’d be rescuing. Circus seemed the most likely, given his age, but odds were that it was probably some drummer we wouldn’t even remember from our Montage binge.

Finally, the day came.

It felt good to see everyone back in costume as we entered the Green Room. Even better to see Showstopper and Ghost Girl in their new, professional uniforms. True to form, Showstopper’s was gaudy and colorful, with a domino mask that looked like it shouldn’t even fit on his wide, smiling face, and a wild, heavy wig that would have put him at home in an 80s hair metal band. Ghost Girl’s was similar to her old one, with a black hooded cloak and a tight white bodysuit with some armor and tech built in. They wanted to give her a newer, higher-tech mask, but she flat-out refused.

She looked good. We all did. We were happier, we were healthier, we were ready to be supervillains again.

“All right people, it’s showtime,” Fifty-Fifty said over our radios. “This is gonna be easy. They’ve got only one SWAT team guarding the prisoner, they’ve only got a skeleton crew on duty at the courthouse itself, and it seems they’ve evacuated a few surrounding blocks in case there were any surprises in store. You’re gonna give them that surprise.”

“Got it,” I said, looking to my team as our radios cut out.
My
team.

I knew, as their leader, I should make a speech, and though I didn’t really have one planned out, I did my best. “You all know what you’re supposed to do, and where you’re supposed to be. Just follow the script and have fun. You’re the best team a supervillain could hope for.”

“Thanks, boss,” Trojan Fox said, sarcastically.

“Hey, come on, he’s just trying to be nice,” Geode said.

“Yeah, do we all get a hug and a kiss to send us off too?” Showstopper joked.

“Odigjod would enjoy a hug,” Odigjod said, transforming into his bigger, furrier, villainous form.

“And he is not that bad a kisser,” Nevermore added.

“Thank you, Nevermore. But like Fifty-Fifty said, it’s showtime. Hellspawn, see us off.”

Tapping a clawed finger to his forehead, Odigjod grabbed Nevermore tight and disappeared. He popped back and forth every thirty seconds, taking Geode, Ghost Girl, Showstopper, and Trojan Fox, leaving me for last. The brief gaps gave me a moment to think and be hopeful. Hopeful that the whole Helios thing… that’d turn out to be nothing. We would work fine as a team. So fine that they’d see that maybe the whole drummer idea was a bad one, or that maybe the eighth member of our team (if we were adding one on after this caper) would be a more suitable drummer than any of our seven. We would have to talk to the heroes, but I was sure that we could make them see—

There was static in my earpiece, and a voice I hadn’t heard in a long time.

“New Offenders, Apex Strike, is anyone there?”

“Blackjack?” I asked.

“Thank Christ,” she said over the radio. “Abort the mission! The others, they don’t know!”

“Know what?”

“Abort! Repeat, abort! They don’t know it’s a tr—”

Odigjod was at my side, grabbing me, taking me with him to a dingy, empty hallway, before teleporting away to his position. I couldn’t hear Blackjack anymore. In fact, I couldn’t hear much of anything but the other confused voices in my ear.

“My sensors are on the fritz, I can’t read anything,” Trojan Fox said.

“This place is a ruin, there is no way this is an active courthouse,” Geode said.

“I’m getting no auras here. Something’s very wrong,” Ghost Girl said.

Everything they said set off alarms that Blackjack had just started ringing. But…

“We’ve got a job to do,” I said, my voice shaky. There was no way we could back out. Blackjack didn’t have the authority to abort missions, only Fifty-Fifty, Helios, and Everywhere Man could, and they weren’t saying a thing. This felt wrong, as wrong as anything had ever felt, but I didn’t want to disappoint the heroes, not when we were just getting back on our feet.

“Let’s just do what we came here to do and get out. No showboating, just get our man and get the hell out of here,” I said, regaining some strength in my voice. We could hear them coming down the hallway in front of us.

Showtime.

I peeked out into the hallway. There were at least twenty of them, flanking a large steel coffin on a dolly that had to hold our prisoner. They all wore heavy body armor, face-concealing helmets, and carried automatic weapons.

We could handle them.

“Shock and awe,” I said into the radio.

Nevermore and I stepped into the wide, long hallway from our hiding places. I aimed high, blasting out the lights and ceiling panels while she filled the air with ravens, disorienting the SWAT team. This allowed Odigjod to teleport in and take all their guns before Showstopper took over the crowd, put them into a quick dance number, and dropped them to the floor. Geode and Ghost Girl knocked down the few left standing while Trojan Fox rushed in to secure the steel coffin.

It took us only sixteen seconds.

“Now that’s what I’m talking about!” I exclaimed. This even seemed to set the others at ease, enough that I was beginning to relax. Maybe there was something wrong, but maybe, just maybe…

Surprisingly, one of the SWAT guys near me stood back up. He was a big guy, taller than all of us and built like a linebacker. He stepped toward me, slowly, with one hand raised calmingly.

“Step down, young man. You don’t want this to get any worse,” he said.
That voice…

“Step down?” I laughed. “Don’t you know who we are?”

“I do. Do you know who we are?”

“That’s… that’s a weird fucking thing to say.”

I raised a hand, let loose with a blast of focus to his chest, just enough to knock him off his feet.

But it didn’t. He stood his ground. Didn’t even stumble. I gave him a stronger blast. It just made a tear in his SWAT outfit. There was no blood, no flesh. Just…
gold and green spandex?

“Oh shit… oh no no no no no FUCK!”

He tore off his SWAT outfit to reveal a tight, muscle-hugging suit of green and gold, a bright red cape unfurling behind him. As if the logo on his chest weren’t enough, him pulling off his helmet to reveal that green and red luchador mask confirmed his identity.

El Capitán.

“Surrender now, and no one will be hurt,” he said firmly, calmly. I was staring down the greatest superhero in the world, the guy I’d idolized before I could even talk, the guy whose posters decorated my bedroom wall until the day I became a supervillain. The guy who could—

There was a high-pitched, warbling scream somewhere down the hall. It took me a second to realize it was Odigjod. A glowing tree had sprouted in the hallway, nooses dangling from one of its limbs, tying around Odigjod and lifting him off the ground. His powers could do nothing against this as he tried to fight his way loose. Seeing the swirl of glowing tarot cards nearby, I knew what was happening.

At once, the SWAT team members all got to their feet and ripped off their costumes like novelty strippers, though instead of naked bodies beneath, there were at least twenty of the world’s greatest superheroes.

El Capitán

Arcana

The Gamemaster III

Minuteman IV

Locust Man

Shield Maiden

ATHENA

Horus

None of them were Kayfabe.

None of them would show us any mercy.

“Your escape route is gone. Surrender,” El Capitán said, levitating off the ground, his eyes glowing red with energy that would surely cut through me.

“What do we do?” Nevermore asked.

“I don’t know.”

Showstopper started, “How are we going to—”

“I don’t know!”

“COVER YOUR EARS!” Trojan Fox yelled over the radio. Before I could ask why, a piercing shriek filled the air, forcing heroes and villains alike to their knees. One of her suit modifications, no doubt. My helmet kept the worst of it out, but that didn’t help things make any more sense.

“Free Odigjod and get us the hell out of here!” she yelled at me, making a beeline for Odigjod in his magical tree. I followed. He squealed and fought, looking at us pitifully.

Before we could get him, Horus and Arcana stood in our way. Arcana slammed a card into Trojan Fox’s chest, cutting the shrieking sound her suit made. Trojan Fox blasted Arcana through the air with energy from her gauntlets while I surrounded my fist with focus and smashed it into Horus’s falcon head. He slammed hard into the wall.

I’d never hit an actual god before. It’d have felt better if we weren’t so royally fucked in every other way.

The heroes were on us as soon as they could stand, attacking in groups of three and four simultaneously and never letting up.

This isn’t how it works in the cartoons!

It was madness. I was punched, kicked, and blasted with multiple powers all at once. Someone hit my suit’s sound system hard enough to start a song.
No, Lou, this isn’t a “Perfect Day.”

While I had to fight off Minuteman, Locust Man, Vulcan, and the Champion of Venus, I could only get glimpses of the others faring little better.

Geode tripled in size, grabbing El Capitán and launching both of them through the ceiling.

Several heroes piled on top of Nevermore, only to be pulled off by Shield Maiden, who Showstopper had gained control of. With some effort, he managed to seize Caveman’s powerful mind and had him fighting the heroes as well.

ATHENA and several of her similarly mech-suited teammates surrounded and blasted Trojan Fox, and though her armor was as high-tech as any of theirs, she was taking a lot of damage.

Ghost Girl engaged Arcana and Horus with her quarterstaff and did well despite their great advantages. One hit to the throat sent Arcana doubling over, while one to the groin got Horus to fall on top of her.

And there I was, in the middle, blasting and trying to fight off heroes who weren’t just pretending to try to capture me. Locust Man got me in a headlock and used his superstrength to twist me to face Vulcan as he approached me with a halo.
No no no, this isn’t how this is supposed to go!

The ceiling exploded above us as Geode and El Capitán, still grappling, smashed through and to the floor in front of us. Vulcan was nowhere to be seen. I got the impression he took the express elevator to the basement with El Capitán.
So that just leaves these three…

Minuteman shouldered his enchanted musket as he pulled a halo from his tri-corner hat and approached me. I blasted the ground at his feet, intending to make a hole that would send him to the basement with the others. I must have aimed too high, however, as his legs exploded outward in awkward, horrible directions.

He screamed a lot louder than I would have expected.

“Holy shit!” Locust Man shrieked, loosening his grip on me just enough. I placed a hand next to his head and focused. He flew through the air, bouncing from wall to wall. He hit the ground moaning and writhing, his famous Locust helm shattered around what was probably a less pretty face than it was this morning.

There was no time for victory, but there was plenty of time for the feeling of fingers wrapping around my brain. I screamed, falling to my knees and clawing at my helmet trying to get them out.

I apologize for having to resort to such invasive methods of incapacitation, but you have given me little choice
, a powerful, ethereal voice echoed in my head.