Almost Perfect (21 page)

She flung an arm toward the bedroom. "You just chastised me for not sharing my dreams with you fifteen years ago, and now you're pursuing this behind my back?"

"It wasn't 'behind your back.' I told you I was thinking about it."

"But not that you were going through with it."

"This has nothing to do with us." He headed for the refrigerator and pulled out a can of cola.

"I told you I'd help—"

"I don't want you to help!" He whirled to face her, his expression so hard, hurt struck her chest. He turned back to the counter, popped the can open. "You're leaving at the end of summer, remember?" He glanced back at her, but only briefly. "Why waste what time we have together talking about business plans?"

"Because this is your dream. And you weren't going to share it with me… even though we're sleeping together."

"One has nothing to do with the other."

"Oh, well, excuse me for confusing sex with intimacy."

"Maddy, don't do this." He sighed heavily. "We're barely feeling our way along as it is. The past doesn't disappear just because we're getting along in the present."

She stared at him. "You said love was something that didn't have to be earned. It either is or it isn't. What about forgiveness? Does that have to be earned? If so, give me a task. Tell me what to do. How do I earn your trust if you're not willing to give me a chance?"

"What exactly are you asking for here? Do you even know what you want out of this thing between us?" Exasperation hardened his face. "Don't jack with me, Maddy! You can't come out here for one flippin' summer and expect me to jump right back into a serious relationship."

"What is it
you
want from this 'thing between us'?"

"Stop—" He took several deep breaths, but when he looked at her, his eyes blazed. "I took a blind leap for you once and fell flat on my face. Don't ask me to do it again. I prefer to take things slower these days."

"Apparently!" Her anger ignited. "You're only willing to jump off the high board when it's something you really want. I guess I don't meet that criteria." She started to storm out, but whirled back. "You want to take things slowly? All right. No problem. In fact, I think we should take things very slowly. As in, I need to be in your life more before I share my body with you again. Because until you're willing to share something of yourself, that's just a little too personal for me." She strode toward the door.

"Maddy…"

"Forget it, Joe. I realize you're worried about getting hurt. Well, join the club. We're all worried about getting hurt. That's part of being alive. When and if you decide to share something more than sex, let me know."

Chapter 14

Subject:
Men are such jerks
!!!

Christine:
Whoa, what happened? I thought all was bliss with you and Joe
?

Maddy pounded out an e-mail explaining everything, how Joe was doing to her the very thing he'd never forgiven her for and he didn't seem to see it. To him it was all her fault that he couldn't trust her.

Christine:
You're right. Men are jerks
.

Amy:
Wait a minute. Let's not be too hasty. Maddy, what's Joe's side
?

Christine:
Who cares? We're having a bitchfest. We'll be mature later. For now, Mad, feel free to let it rip. We promise that if things work out for you and the Jerk, we won't hold anything you say now against him
.

Amy:
Well, of course she's free to bitch to us, but I'd still like to know Joe's side
.

Maddy burst into tears as she typed her response:
Have I mentioned lately how much I love you guys
?

I don't suppose there's any way you'd come to the show so I can see you in person.

Christine:
We love you too. And I'd be at the show in a heartbeat, but I'll still be in residency. Amy
?

There was a pause before Amy responded
: I wish I could. Really. But I couldn't possibly train someone to cover the office that quickly. Plus there's my grandmother
.

Maddy knew Amy was making excuses, but let it slide as she typed:
It's okay, Amy. I wasn't thinking
.

Christine diplomatically shifted the subject away from Amy's fear of traveling:
Okay, let's figure out a way to have Joe crawling on his hands and knees when he comes over tonight thinking a simple apology will get him back into your bed
.

Only Joe didn't come that night.

The following day, when Maddy saw him in the dining hall, he marched in, grabbed his tray, stabbed at his food as if trying to kill it, and left.

Naturally, the coordinators noticed and had their heads together in an instant, whispering. Maddy wanted to scream. Confiding to Amy and Christine was one thing. That didn't mean she wanted Carol and the others plotting ways to get her and Joe back together.

As the days passed, however, the likelihood of a reconciliation seemed less and less likely. Weighed down by the thought, Maddy opened her laptop.

Message:
I'm ready to be mature. Any advice on how I fix this? I miss Joe so much, I ache all over. Things were so perfect for a while. I want that back. Oh God, I think I really am in love with him
.

Her hand hovered over the SEND key as her stomach churned. Should she delete that last sen-tence? Did telling someone make it real? Squinting her eyes, she hit SEND… and waited in agony for her friends' responses.

Amy:
Oh, Maddy. I'm so sorry you're hurting. Have you told Joe how you feel
?

Maddy:
Good God, no. Are you kidding? I told y'all some of his background. If I said the L word, he'd just put up more barriers
.

Christine:
You don't know that. Maybe he's just waiting for you to say it first. He could be thinking "By God, I stuck my neck out last time, this time it's her turn
."

Maddy:
There's a terrifying thought. Especially since he's given me NO indication that he wants something serious. I'm not even sure I want something this serious. My home, my family, and both of you are in Austin. What am I doing falling for a guy who lives in a whole different state
?

Christine:
Talk about your lame excuses! Maddy, houses can be sold, your family drives you nuts, and even though we'd miss meeting you for lunch, friends should never stand in the way of love. As for repairing this rift with Joe, I think you need to tell him at least some of how you feel. You don't have to use the big L word, but tell him something
.

Maddy:
How can I when he's not talking to me
?

Christine:
Sheesh. You wait until all the little kiddies are asleep, you knock on his door, and when he answers, you say, "Yo, Joe, let's talk
."

Maddy stared at Christine's post for several long minutes before closing her computer with a snap. Advice was easy for someone who didn't have to take it.

Realizing the sun was setting, she walked out onto her balcony. The sound and scent of the mountains at dusk filled her senses. Down in the camp, she saw a light glowing in Joe's apartment.

Maybe Christine was right. Maybe Joe wanted her to make the first move. She tried to picture it in her mind, what she would say and what his response might be. Fear swelled inside her with staggering swiftness, making her heart pound and her palms sweat. Good heavens, was this how Joe had felt all those years ago when he'd been building up the courage to propose?

And then she'd told him no?

Guilt stabbed at her, making her wince.

Although what if the reverse happened this time? What if she got up the nerve to tell him she loved him, only to have him reject her?

She stared at the light in the office a long time as the shadows lengthened and the air grew chilled. Finally, the campers on flag duty headed for the pole next to the big bell. Mama's voice came over the speakers with the evening prayer as the girls lowered and folded the flag. Then taps began to play, a soft, sleepy version that she usually found soothing.

Tonight it sounded so plaintive her chest ached.

She watched as the campers walked away from the flag pole. Watched Mama leave the office, climb into her golf cart, and head toward the little owner's house on the rise near the gate. And she wished for the sight of Joe stepping out of the office and heading up toward the Craft Shack as he'd done every night for that magical week.

The sky grew darker, the air colder.

She finally turned and went back inside, where she lay awake most of the night. The narrow bed had seemed so crowded with Joe in it, making them laugh more than once.

Now it felt far too empty.

Her friends were right. She needed to make^the first move. With sleep evading her, she searched her mind for the right way to take the first step. If only she knew where that step would lead. Why did love have to be so scary and painful?

The following evening, Joe glared at the paperwork in front of him, wishing it would do a better job of distracting him from thoughts of Maddy—and the temptation to go up to the Craft Shack and beg his way back into her bed. Everything had been perfect. Couldn't they just go back to that?

Watching her leave at the end of summer was going to be hard enough. How much more would it hurt if he let her all the way into his life? If he let her be part of making plans for the boot camp, it would serve as one more reminder of her when she was gone. Couldn't she see that?

At the sound of crunching gravel in the parking lot, he looked up and was surprised to see his mother entering the office. He glanced at his watch. "You're a little early for taps, aren't you?"

"I thought I'd come by for a visit. Things have been so busy, we hardly get time to talk."

"Oh?" He tensed. Anytime Mama Fraser wanted to "talk" she definitely had something to say.

"Yes." Smiling, she sat in the chair between his desk and the back door. Outside, evening was settling over the valley. He could hear the campers enjoying their free time between dinner and lights-out with a game of tag out on the playing field. "I was up at the Craft Shack having a nice cup of tea with Madeline. She showed me some of the artwork she's done for the show. What talent that girl has!"

"Yes, I know." His gut twisted at the mere mention of her name.