Almost Starring Skinnybones (7 page)

Seeing myself on television continued to amaze me. Every time it happened, my eyes opened wide and my heart began to pound. I even started to smile a little. I couldn’t help it. I just did.

It’s too bad, you know. Too bad that there are mean people in the world who try to make you feel ashamed when you should feel proud. Seeing yourself on national television shouldn’t make you hide your head in the chair cushion. It just shouldn’t.

We had an assembly at school the next day. I missed English class. On my way to the auditorium I stuck my head in the principal’s office and shouted, “Thank you!” No one needed a school assembly more than I did. Even if it was stupid—even if it was the history teacher giving another boring slide show of his trip to Peru—no one wanted a break from school more than me.

When Brian and I walked into the auditorium that morning, Mrs. Wallin, the principal, was already at the microphone. She was shouting for everyone to be quiet.

“Students, please!” she begged. “As soon as you quiet down, we can get started!”

I don’t know why principals waste their time saying stuff like that. It takes forever if you ask politely. If I were a principal, I’d just take out a gun and shoot someone in the foot.

As things started to settle down I noticed that Annabelle Posey was sitting right in front of me. For days she had done nothing but make fun of me. She’d sit behind me in English and hum the “Ballad of Davy Crockett” in my ear or call me Alex Frankfritters.

“Oh my gosh, Brian!” I gasped when I saw her stupid head in front of me. “Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird … it’s a plane … it’s Super … no, wait! I’m wrong! It’s not Superman at all, Brian. Hold everything! It’s coming closer into view …

“I can see it better now. There’s a cape … yes, there’s a cape all right. But wait! There’s a cowboy hat … and, oh no, a big rubber nose!”

“Oh wow, Alex!” Brian gasped. “You don’t mean it’s …”

“Yes, Brian. I’m afraid I do. It’s Uncle Dippy. Uncle Dippy, the flying cowboy clown. Flying his way into hundreds of homes each day, trying to find someone who can figure out what he is.”

Without even turning around in her chair, Annabelle began sniffing the air.

“Does anyone here smell something?” she asked loudly. Sniff, sniff.…

“Like maybe someone’s wearing a raccoon on their head.”

A lot of kids seemed to think this was real funny. Brian was one of them. He made that pig sound again.

Just then Mrs. Wallin started clapping her hands to get our attention.

“And now, boys and girls,” she announced. “Without wasting any more time, I’d like to introduce you all to our guest this morning. He’s a fabulous magician and I know that many of you have heard of him. We’re delighted to have him with us. So please give a big round of applause to … the Amazing Mel!”

The curtain opened and this man jumped out from behind a screen. He was wearing a top hat and a black tuxedo with big silver lapels that sparkled under the lights. Also, he had a rabbit sitting on his head. You couldn’t see it, but when he bowed, he took off the hat and pulled the rabbit out, so you knew it had been sitting on his head for a while.

“Thank you. Thank you. Thank you,” he gushed.

“Geez! What kind of magician is this guy, anyway?” I asked. “What kind of dumb name is the Amazing Mel?”

“Shh!” whispered Brian, concentrating very hard on the stage. Brian is one of those kids who thinks magic is really magic.

On stage Amazing Mel got right down to business. He grabbed a handful of skinny balloons and started blowing them up and twisting them into funny animal shapes.

He wasn’t very good at it. Even when he told you what they were, you couldn’t recognize them. The cat looked deformed. Like, instead of growing four legs, it grew three legs and a thumb.

“Okay. How many of you buckaroos recognize this little fella?” he said, holding one of his creations in the air.

“A mutant creature from the planet Zircon!” shouted someone from the back of the room. A second later he was led out of the auditorium by Mr. Armanti, the assistant principal.

“Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” exclaimed Mel as he came to the end of the balloon act. Then he bowed and bowed until we started clapping again.

Mel tapped on his magic wand and turned it into a bunch of paper flowers.

“Thank you. Thank you. Thank you,” he repeated.

“You’re welcome. You’re welcome. You’re welcome,” I replied, rolling my eyes.

It became pretty clear that the Amazing Mel was different from the magicians I’ve seen on TV. He didn’t tell jokes or kid around with the audience like most of them do. He’d just perform a couple of easy tricks, say, “Thank you, thank you, thank you,” and then go on to something else.

The tricks were the same old ones you’ve seen a million times before: card tricks, rope tricks, that kind of thing. Nothing spectacular. He made some milk disappear in his hat, but it wasn’t anything a sponge couldn’t do.

In some ways it really started to annoy me. All I kept thinking about was how the Amazing Mel was up on stage acting like a big star, and I was sitting in the audience being my usual nothing. It wasn’t fair. Kids were applauding him like he was David Copperfield or something, and the guy had never even been on national television!

Finally, after about fifteen minutes, the Amazing Mel walked to the microphone. Then he wiped his forehead like these stupid tricks were taking a lot of effort or something.

“Thank you. Thank you. Thank you,” he said breathlessly. “Now then, for my next few tricks I have a little surprise for you. I’m going to need an assistant! How about it buckaroos! Is there anyone out there who’d like to come join me on stage?”

Wait a minute! Join him on stage? Is
that
what he had said? Had he asked for a volunteer?

I didn’t even have to think about it. Me! It had to be me! It would be perfect! I could stand on the stage and say my name and everyone in the whole school would see me. Maybe a few kids would even recognize me! That’d show Annabelle Posey and her stupid friends. They’d even have to clap for me. How could they clap for Mel and not clap for me at the same time?

I shot my hand in the air and began waving it around like crazy.

“Ooooh! Ooooh!” I said, straining to raise it higher and higher. But the Amazing Mel didn’t see me. Too many other hands were blocking me out. “Yo, Mel! Right here!” I screamed out. “Yo, Mel!”

Brian looked at me with disapproval. “Yo, Mel?” he repeated. “You’re shouting, ‘Yo, Mel,’ to a famous magician?”

I couldn’t waste another second. Mel was getting ready to pick. He had his finger all pointed and ready to go!

Quickly I sprang from my seat and headed for the main aisle.

“Oh no, Alex! Come on!” called Brian, grabbing for my shirt. “You were just getting back to normal!”

I heard him, but I didn’t stop. When I got to the
main aisle, I blitzed for the stage. I’m not kidding. It was just like on
The Price Is Right
.

I could hear a few kids starting to laugh, but I didn’t care. All I cared about was getting on the stage, where I belonged.

Out of breath, I zoomed up the steps and ran toward the magician. When he saw me flying in his direction, the Amazing Mel got a funny look on his face. Scared, sort of. Like I had just zoomed in from a mental hospital or something.

“Er … ah, who do we have here?” he asked hesitantly.

I held out my hand. But before I could answer, someone from the audience answered for me.

“Oh no! Look! It’s Skinnybones! Oh, man! Not Skinnybones!”

And at that moment it seemed like the whole world started laughing at me at once. Skinnybones! God! How I hate to be called that stupid name! Why did they have to call me that?

For a second I tried laughing along with them. You know, trying to make it seem like I didn’t mind being ridiculed. But inside I was dying. This wasn’t the way I had it planned. Why couldn’t things ever be the way I had them planned?

My face was turning red. I could feel it.

The Amazing Mel looked confused. “Er, what was the name again?”

He held out the microphone for me to answer.

“Uh, Harold,” I blurted. “Harold Hiney.”

The place exploded in laughter. I did too. I don’t know where it came from. Harold Hiney. It just popped into my head and I said it.

The Amazing Mel didn’t think I was funny at all. He rushed me away from the microphone and hurried to begin the next trick. First he stood me out of the way. Then he held his magic hat up to the audience to show it was empty. I tried to lean forward and see inside, but he wouldn’t let me.

“Ugga-bugga-boop-boop!” he said, as if seventh graders actually believe in stupid magic words. Then he waved his wand across the top of the hat.

A second later the Amazing Mel started pulling beautiful colored silk scarves from the hat and giving them to me to hold.

A few kids were still laughing, but most of them were concentrating on the trick. Meanwhile Mel kept pulling more and more scarves out of the hat and giving them to me.

The bright purple one was the prettiest, I thought. When he handed it to me, I held it up for everyone to see. First one side, then the other, just the way a good assistant should.

Then I blew my nose in it.

I don’t mean I
really
blew my nose in it. I just pretended to. Just to be funny, you know? I held the
purple scarf up to my face and did this big nose-blow sound with my mouth. It sounded real, too.

The audience started roaring all over again. It was kind of a thrill, if you want to know the truth. Sort of like I was in control of things. Like I could make them laugh any time I wanted to.

Mel hadn’t seen what I had done with the purple scarf, but he definitely heard the nose blow. When he turned around, he had this real grouchy look on his face.

“Heh heh,” I giggled sheepishly. “Heh heh heh.”

Irritated, the Amazing Mel handed me the top hat and snarled something at me. I think it was something about putting the scarves away. Then he turned back around to get ready for his next trick.

I stood there staring at the hat in my hands. I don’t know why, but I’ve always wanted to try on a top hat. I guess it’s because a top hat makes you look distinguished. Even a dirty old bum looks distinguished in a top hat. Even if he’s eating out of a pork-and-bean can.

The hat looked too big, but I decided to give it a try anyway. After all, a kid doesn’t really get that many chances to look distinguished. I got to be Old King Cole in a school program once, but I don’t think I looked that dignified. Old King Cole was a merry old soul. That means he was a simpleton.

I was right about the hat being big. As soon as I put it on my head, it fell over my nose and ears, right down to my chin.

I could hear the audience start to crack up, but I didn’t take it off. I just stood there quietly in the dark, rocking back and forth on my heels. Just minding my own business. After a second I took a step toward the microphone and started to whistle a little tune in there.

Since I couldn’t see, I’m not exactly sure what happened next. All I know is that after a second or two I felt the hat being lifted from my head and the Amazing Mel was staring down at me. He was sneering. Something told me I was finished being his assistant.

He shook my hand and led me over to the stage steps. I’m pretty sure he never “thanked me, thanked me, thanked me.” At least I didn’t hear him. Just as I was about to leave the stage, everyone in the auditorium started applauding so loud, you couldn’t hear anything else.

I looked out over the crowd. That’s when it hit me. It was for me! All that applause—it was just for me! Me! Alexander Bell Frankovitch!

I couldn’t believe it. It was like a dream come true. If you’ve ever been applauded, you know what I’m talking about.

Even when my parents tell me they love me, it’s not as good as applause. Let’s face it, my parents
have
to love me. It’s like a law or something. But nobody has to clap. Not unless they want to. Nope, nobody
ever
has to clap.

  
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