Along Wooded Paths (27 page)

Let her go.

It made sense, but could he do it? Could he say good-bye? And if he did . . . would she follow?

Ben swallowed hard.
Lord, You know what this could mean. Life without Marianna.

But maybe that’s what God wanted. Roy had been asking Ben to commit to his music. Traveling back and forth to West Kootenai wasn’t working. Being here, seeing this—her reaction—Ben knew the right thing to do.

As much as it broke his heart, he needed to allow Marianna to live the life already laid out for her.

It was time to say good-bye.

Aaron could hear upstairs that the children were still stirring after an exciting time at the birthday party, and that wasn’t a happy sound. He wished he could go away. Be alone. He’d give anything to just be in his cabin in Indiana. To see the work of his hands. To remind himself he’d been strong once—not weak like now. To feel as if he hadn’t been betrayed.

A lantern flickered on the nightstand, and Aaron glanced down at the image he’d sketched of the shadowed mountains outside the window bathed in moonlight. The sketch was emotionless. Meaningless, random lines connecting together couldn’t portray all he felt inside. He started scribbling on the pad, digging his pencil deeper into the paper until finally the lead broke. As a deep darkness absorbed the landscape outside the window, anger bubbled up inside him.

How could Ike invite Ben to the party? And how dare Ben behave as he had? As the party wound down, Marianna walked to the door, saying good-bye to many. Some of the Englischers hugged each other, but the Amish kept their distance. The only affection their community ever shared was the offering of the holy kiss at church services.

Yet as Ben prepared to leave, he wrapped his arms around Marianna. Aaron had waited for her to stiffen, to back away. Instead, she stepped into his embrace as if she’d been waiting for it all night. And then, instead of a quick hug like all the others, Ben held on, nearly burying his face in her neck. He held Marianna as if he owned her. He held her as if he didn’t want to let go. And Marianna hadn’t moved.

It was only as Ben pulled away that she released her grasp.

Aaron lifted the pencil and snapped it in two. If it wasn’t for this cast, he would have shown that Englischer Ben Stone what he thought about that.

Of course, the cast wasn’t going to stay on forever.

Dear June-Sevenies,

I’ve never experienced a fall like a Montana one. Looking around, I tried to consider what object I’d include in the package yet. Would it be the snow that glittered like diamonds. Nein, that would melt before the postman was able to pick it up. Would it be the large moon that hung in the sky—golden and round—unlike any I’d seen in Indiana? I could do that but folks around here would complain. I finally decided on some yellow needles. No, not sewing needles, but rather those of the larch tree. They are trees that disguise themselves as evergreens all year until fall. It’s then they turn golden and then needles drop. I picked them up off the forest floor, so who knows what creatures walked over them. A bear? A wolf? It’s possible for both.

Dat’s birthday was yesterday and we invited many friends. There is good Amish folk here and we enjoy them much. I still miss some of the old faces yet.

Aaron is still recovering from his accident and getting around better than before. He’s been drawing sketches and we hope to sell them in the general store. Some folks have mentioned their interest.

I enjoy work and have new friends too. Ain’t much else to share. Think warm thoughts of me cause I’ll need them during this coming winter. May each of you enjoy a lovely Thanksgiving dinner with family. Know this year one of the things I’m thankful for is you.

Love,

Marianna

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

Moonlight filtered through the windows. Marianna crept down the stairs as quietly as she could, stepping over the third step from the bottom—the one that tended to squeak. She’d lain in bed for the last hour trying to decide if she was brave enough to sneak down to get Dat’s Bible and read it by the light of the moon. There were too many thoughts, longings, desires stirring within her. She couldn’t get her mind off of Ben’s arms around her. She couldn’t release the words he’d whispered in her ear.

She’d tried writing a circle letter, hoping that would get her mind off things. It hadn’t. She’d kept more inside than she’d been able to share. She wanted to share about Annie, Jenny, Kenzie, and even mention Ben’s music, but none back east would understand her relationships with her Englisch friends. As she finished the letter, Marianna knew deep down what she needed. She needed to center her mind on God alone.

She needed peace.

Even as she tiptoed down the steps, bright light from the full moon reflected off the blanket of snow outside, bathing the house in a yellow glow. She reached the bottom step, then hurried toward the dining room. The squeak of a chair behind her paused her stride. Marianna’s heart leapt into her throat. She turned, expecting to see her father sitting by the woodstove and reading as he’d done of late. Instead, she saw Aaron.

As she turned, he glanced up at her and then looked away. He was dressed in the same clothes he’d been wearing at the party. His shoulders were slumped. His arms rested on his thighs and his head dropped in defeat. In pain.

“Aaron, are you okay?” She hurried over to him, kneeling beside his casted leg. “Do you have pain pills? Need water? Is there anything I can bring you?”

“It’s not my leg, Marianna.” His words were drawn out, as if they carried pain too. “I mean, it hurts, but that’s not the problem.”

He looked at her again, this time his gaze searched hers, held it. Mostly his eyes spoke of heartbreak. Without him saying a word she knew the problem.

“I am so stupid. Jest a fool.”

Marianna’s brow scrunched up. “Aaron, no. Don’t say that.”

“You said you came back because you wanted to be with your family a little longer.” A sharp laugh escaped his lips. “But it’s not your family you wanted to stay for.”

Marianna moved her hand to his. He pulled back, brushing her away. He sat in silence, clearly expecting an answer. Marianna didn’t want to give Aaron the true answer but knew she had to.

“You’re right,” she finally whispered. “I’m so sorry. It wasn’t my family . . .” She bit her lip, urging herself to continue. “I was concerned about my family, ja. Mem with a new baby. Charlie with the accident. But why I stayed was . . . God.”

His head darted up and he lifted a hand, brushing his blond bangs back from his forehead. “I’m not joking, Mari. How could you—”

“I’m not either,” she said in a loud whisper. “I see things different since I’ve been here. It’s something I’ve wanted to talk to you about. I see God different. I just felt He didn’t want me to go back. Not yet.”

Aaron wiped his eyes with his palm. “I can’t believe this. You care for this Englischman, and then you lie to me and tell me that God wanted you to stay. Does God talk to you, Marianna? That sounds strange to me. Who are you? He doesn’t talk to our own bishops in that way, but He will talk to you?”

“It’s too much to explain and now’s not the right time. With your leg hurting and . . . we’re both tired.” Marianna looked toward the cabinet in the dining room where the Bible was kept.

She was just making excuses. She’d read a passage just last week about speaking truth in love. But was Aaron ready for it? A stirring inside told her that if she cared for Aaron in the slightest bit, she needed to talk to him.

“Actually”—she placed a hand on his cast—“that is just an excuse. It’s something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about for a while. I’ve been reading the Bible more, Aaron. The Word of God is so beautiful. There’s so much hope and promise inside.”

She didn’t mention that it was an English Bible she’d been reading. It didn’t really matter. Not to her. “The more I’ve read, the more I’ve discovered that it’s not the outward stuff that God appreciates—our dress, our good deeds, our traditions—it’s what’s deep in the heart. Jesus wants a relationship with each of us. It’s not just about going to church and living as our ancestors taught; it’s about trusting Him, turning to Him in prayer every day. It’s deciding to live for Jesus because of who He is, and not because of the traditions of my parents.”

Was she mistaken, or was Aaron’s face softening?

“Are you saying that those things aren’t important?” he finally asked. “That you’re going to stop being Amish?”

She shook her head. “Of course I’m not saying that. It’s not like I’d have to give up one for the other. Instead it’s just a way that I look at life. Rules will still be there—there are ways God wants us to live, things He wants us to avoid—it’s just where I put my focus that has changed.”

Aaron let out a slow breath. “It’s hard to be angry at you when you’re talking about God like this.”

“You’re angry?”

Aaron nodded and swallowed hard. “I saw the way you looked at him, Mari. Saw the way he looked at you.”

“Aaron, Ben Stone has been a good friend to me, and to my family, since we arrived. Of course I care about him. But you must know I would not break my parents’ heart by caring for an Englischman. They’ve been through enough already with my sisters, with Levi.”

“Just telling you what I saw. That’s all.”

She took in a deep breath. Dat always said her first response and last option should be the truth. “You have to know since the sixth grade, when we spent those days fishing by the pond halfway between my house and yours, I knew you were the one I wanted to marry. And I—” Her words caught in her throat. “Not a day goes by that I don’t regret not going to see the cabin, the one you built.”

He listened and he waited. She could tell he wanted to hear more. She owed him that. She’d been keeping so much to herself.

“I’ve enjoyed having you here. I knew you to be kind before, but I’ve seen the truth of that more than ever. There are many who would have complained, but you’ve never questioned why this injury had to happen. You’ve been brave despite the pain, and I’ve seen even more what a
gut
man you are.”

“But that hug . . .”

Marianna lowered her head. “You saw that?”

“Everyone saw it.”

Color rushed to Marianna’s cheeks. She placed a hand on her face but lifted her head to meet Aaron’s eyes.

“Ben was saying good-bye. He’s leaving to pursue his music. He said he wasn’t sure when he’d return. He wanted me to know that if I left before he got back, that he’d enjoyed meeting me.”

Ben had whispered more in her ear. He’d confessed that as much as he’d tried to hold back his feelings he couldn’t do it. He’d confessed he cared deeply for her. But she wouldn’t tell Aaron that. Couldn’t tell him that.

“He’s leaving?”

“He is. And as you can see, I’m still here. Does that make you feel better?”

Aaron nodded, but she could tell he didn’t believe her completely. Well, at least he’d go to bed tonight knowing she had no intention of marrying Ben. And that was the truth. After seeing the pain Levi’s leaving had caused, she had no choice in that.

She felt better too. She’d told Aaron about her deepening relationship with God and he seemed to accept that. Accept her.