Always, Abigail (23 page)

Complete and utter exhaustion. Every night in that magic moment just before I drifted off to sleep, something in my brain made me think of Gabby.

I thought about how much fun it had been reading to the kindergartners. I thought about all the notes and pictures the kids gave us. I thought about how much fun Gabby and I had practicing after school, and all the fun we'd had that day at my house. And then I thought about what it must be like to be Gabby—having a mom who was dead and a dad who was in jail.

The problem was that Gabby wasn't the only one who knew how much of a jerk I was. I knew too. I knew
every
minute, of
every
day, and it was making it impossible to enjoy
anything
.

Every night, no matter how tired I was, or how close I was to falling asleep, I'd always think about Gabby, and I would instantly be wide awake. It was like that moment when you put a quarter in the lights at the park tennis courts. One minute pitch black. The next minute bright as daylight. And the night would drag on and on. Most nights I don't think I even slept at all.

I found one of Gabby's paperback books on the floor in the hallway outside our homeroom. It was a copy of
Julie
of
the
Wolves
. On the inside cover in Gabby's handwriting, it said,

Dear Dad,

Can't wait to hear what you think. I loved this book! It reminds me of
Hatchet
.

The jokes and drawings you sent me in
Shiloh
were hysterical. I don't know how you think up such funny stuff.

Love you,

Gabby

P.S. Pete says hi.

I flipped to the back cover and there was a message from her dad.

My Gabriella,

Loved it! You know how to pick 'em. You're so strong! I'm so proud of you!

So happy you like my cartoons!

Love,

Dad

P.S. Your mom has to be smiling all the time when she sees what you've become.

Gabby and her dad wrote to each other in the margins of old paperback books? This was Gabby's paperback collection?

I flipped through the book and noticed the margins were full of little cartoon drawings with captions underneath them. Some were related to the story and some were random, but almost all of them were really good and superfunny.

Gabby and I had talked about making posters for our stories, but we had never gotten around to it. I had sort of been looking forward to writing the titles of the stories in fun, fancy letters with big, fat colored markers. I could've made the poster look so cool, but this one didn't look that great because neither Gabby or Jackson had very nice handwriting. But the way the poster looked wasn't really the problem. It was the way the poster made me feel that I was having a hard time with.

1.
Alli said, “Jackson Dawber?! She teamed up with him?! She really
is
a loser!”

2.
When Gabby came around the corner, Alli joked, saying, “Frog and Toad Productions? Who's the frog and who's the toad?”

“Does it really matter?” Cami continued. “If the wart fits, wear it!”

AlliCam laughed, and I laughed right along with them, but my heart pounded so hard and my ears rang louder than the laughter. I tried not to look at Gabby, but even so, I saw her press her lips together and take a deep breath, and I wondered if she was thinking about her mom's saying about making lemonade.

3.
Then J&M walked up, and Jackie looked at the poster and then at Gabby and said, “Gabby, really, you should just let Jackson crawl back into his hole. And you should do the same.”

And the Fab Five high-fived each other. Then AlliCam and J&M did the secret pom wave to me and rushed off to homeroom.

Nothing.

Gabby and I stared at each other.

I stood as still as a statue, wishing I could turn into stone so I would not be able to feel anything.

“Do you have anything to say?”

I shrugged my shoulders and looked at the floor.

Even if I could've found my voice, what could I say?

1.
NO ONE was a bigger jerk than I was.

2.
Ditto

3.
Ditto

4.
Ditto

5.
Ditto

6.
Ditto

7.
Ditto

8.
Ditto

9.
Ditto

10.
Ditto

“I have something to say.

“You want to know why I'm working with Jackson Dawber? Because I had a
so-called
friend who dropped me like a hot potato. Yeah, the minute she had something better to do, she ignored me and avoided me all day, every day. Then, as if that wasn't bad enough, when she decided to notice me again, she laughed right along with her friends when they made fun of me. You're such a follower, Abigail! And do you know what?
You're
the real loser! Jackson Dawber might've made fun of me and teased me, but I can take that. At least he never
pretended
to be my friend.”

I turned around to go into homeroom and ran right into Old Hawk. I could tell by the look on her face that she had heard everything.

Nothing.

I waited all day for her to talk to me, but all she ever did was look at me with that Old Hawk look. The one that said I had done something so terrible, so horrible, so no good, so very bad that even she, who always had something to say, didn't have anything to say at all.

Instead of going to the cafeteria, I went into the bathroom, made sure no one was in there, and bawled my eyes out. I was the most terrible, horrible, no good, very bad person in the entire world.

I wished I could be someone else.

Everything Gabby said about me was true. She was right.
I
was the real loser.
I
was the one who should crawl into a hole.

When I got back to class, Gabby came in late. I could tell she'd been crying. Gabby Marco, the girl who got teased and humiliated all the time and never cried, had been crying, and it was because of me.

I REALLY
was
the most terrible, most horrible, most no good, most very bad person in the entire universe.

As I came down the hall, I saw Gabby's brother, Paul Bunyan, standing outside the office. Oh my gosh! Had he come to yell at me about how mean I was being to Gabby? Maybe he was going to wait outside in the parking lot until I came out after school. But just before I started to hyperventilate, I realized one of his arms was in a sling. And when he turned around to face me, I saw a huge bandage on his forehead, along with a lot of scratches and scrapes on his arms and face.

When he saw me, he said, “Hey, Abigail!”

“Hi,” I said, not knowing whether to call him Pete or Paul.

“Man, on a day like today,” he said, “I'm glad Gabby's got a friend like you.”

Obviously he didn't know what had been going on between Gabby and me lately.

“What happened to you?” I asked.

“Fell out of a tree this morning,” he answered.

“What?!”

“Yeah, I was up about ten feet at least. Still don't know what went wrong. Really don't know how that tree branch didn't land right on top of me, but the important thing is I'm all right.”

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“Came by to see Gabby. My boss called the school to let her know what happened. She's such a worrier. I knew she'd need to see me with her own eyes to believe I was okay. Can't really blame her for that. I'm all she's got. Has she stopped crying yet?”

My head was spinning so fast I felt like
I
was falling out of a tree. A very tall tree.

“She's doing a little better,” I lied.

I figured a little white lie making someone who'd almost just died feel better was a good thing compared to the horrible, despicable things I'd said and done to Gabby.