Always Enough (19 page)

I went through everything I could in her room, including her dresser and the few shoeboxes I found in the closet, but I came up empty. Moving on to the kitchen got me nowhere either. She had one junk drawer but it only had take-out menus and pens. The fridge had a couple of magnets that held a photo of her and Em, a new one of Allie, and in the middle was a picture of me playing the guitar. She must have taken it when I wasn’t looking the last time I was in the recording studio. At least she hadn’t taken it down.

I was getting frustrated. She didn’t have a room that she used as an office, and she didn’t have a desk in her house. Where else could I possibly look? I went to the front hallway closet and looked on the top shelf. Hmmm … there was a lock box. Thankfully it wasn’t locked and I was able to lift the lid. There were several papers that looked like documents. My eyes scanned the papers for any sort of hint that this was what I was searching for.

“Please, please, please,” I quietly whispered.

Then my eyes landed on a piece of paper that looked odd. What on earth was this? It looked like a deed, but for what? Pulling out my phone, I called Em.

“Ky, have you found anything?” I heard the baby fussing in the background and Em sounded concerned.

“I’m not sure, actually. Do you know anything about a deed to some land in Salmon, Idaho?”

She was quiet, then said, “No. I don’t think I do. What does it say?”

“Well, it looks like some land with a house on it was given over to Harper when she was really young, after her grandma passed away. It states she’s the sole owner.”

“I didn’t even know she had a grandma. Do you think maybe that’s where she went?”

I sighed in frustration. “I really don’t know, Em. I’ve looked all over this house and come up with nothing. At this point I’m desperate and willing to make the long drive just to see. I have to find her.” I dragged my hands through my hair. “I’ve screwed up so bad.”

Her voice was soft and soothing. “I know, Ky, but she loves you. That is never going to change. This can still be fixed, I just know it.”

“I don’t know, Em. Either way, it looks like I’m heading north. I have no choice.”

“Well, call me when you can. And, Ky?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m really sorry about your Dad. He was a good man, and he was too young to die.” I could hear her sadness through the phone.

“Thanks, Em.”

I swallowed my emotion. Looked like I was taking a road trip.

The day was overcast with temperatures in the low forties. I decided to brave the cold and go and sit outside on the dock in one of the Adirondack chairs. The lake was flat as could be, without a single ripple to be seen. I’d brought a small quilt with me, and I wrapped it tight around my body to stay warm while I breathed in the crisp air.

The past few days had been really hard. I knew that Ky would be burying his father sometime soon, and it felt incredibly weird not being there for him. I’d imagined myself holding his hand during the services, giving him and his mother my support. And late at night, when we’d lay in bed, I’d wipe away his tears. I couldn’t even imagine what he must be going through right now. The not knowing was killing me. I lay in my bed at night, wiping my own tears, unable to comfort myself. I’d had to stop myself making the drive into town just so I could get a single bar of signal on my phone to call him. I was desperate to hear his voice … but I wouldn’t do that to him.

You’re nothing to me.

Those four words haunted me at night. I no longer dreamed of my father leaving me alone to go get high, or of him being kicked out by my mother.

No, my nightmares consisted of a dark dingy bar that smelled of cigarette smoke, and the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen telling me that he never wanted to see me again. His words were crushing, and at first I’d felt so angry with him for believing that I would have moved on while he was going through one of the hardest times in his life. But the anger had dissipated, and now I would give up my whole life just to feel his arms around me again. I’d never been lost without a man, and it was a foreign feeling for me.

I wasn’t sure how my body continued to produce tears after I’d cried so many, but thinking about Kyler caused more to stream down my cheeks. They felt so cold in the cool wintery air. I was just about to get up and go back into the house to make a sandwich when I heard footsteps behind me. I was startled—there wasn’t anything around me within a twenty-mile radius. Before I was able to turn around, I heard the sweetest voice my ears had heard all week.

“Jesus Christ, Harper, is that you?”

My breath caught in my throat. I stood with the blanket still wrapped tightly around me, I turned slowly to find Kyler standing in front of me, his hair messy, and his eyes tired, but no less beautiful than the first time I set eyes on him. I noticed he wore black dress pants and a white button down shirt that was open with a white V-neck undershirt. I looked at him … watching him, worried that if I even moved he’d be gone. This couldn’t even be real. Maybe I was really losing it and I was making him up. But then, the slightest breeze brought the scent of him to my nose.

Overcome with emotion, I collapsed to my knees. I brought my hands up to my face and I started to sob uncontrollably. I ended up wailing out the world’s longest run on sentence.

“Ky, oh, Ky! I’m so sorry. I swear to you I didn’t kiss him. You have to know that I didn’t kiss him back, I was coming to see you and he wouldn’t let me leave, and I was getting up to walk out the door, and he held me there, then he kissed me, and then you came in and … and … and …” I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t even look at his face.

He rushed to me and fell to his knees at my feet. He brought both of his hands up to either side of my face and lifted my head up to look at him. My hair was in a messy bun, and small tendrils of hair had fallen out, stuck to my tear-soaked cheeks.

“Shhh, Harper. It’s okay, baby, I know. I know everything.”

He knew everything? But how? I searched his eyes for answers.

“I’ve been looking everywhere for you. You can’t just leave like that again, you understand me? I thought I’d lost you. Em’s been worried sick, nobody knew where you were. Your office wouldn’t even tell me anything.”

He looked absolutely frazzled. But I didn’t understand. He’d been looking for me?

I sniffled. “What do you mean you were looking for me? But … you said you didn’t want to see me again. You … you said I was nothing to you.”

Now it was
his
turn to look confused.

“When did I say I never wanted to see you again, and that you are nothing to me? I would never say those words.”

I looked into his brown eyes and realized that he’d probably been so drunk that night that he didn’t even remember speaking to me. Oh my God! This realization brought on a whole new wave of emotion.

“Harper, you’re worrying me. Please talk to me?”

“I went to the bar the other night, Ky. I saw you. I
spoke
to you. You told me the most awful things and …” I stopped and swallowed. My head felt like it was in a haze thinking about it for what had to be the millionth time. “You said you never wanted to see me again. I left there and needed to get away.”

So many emotions passed across his features in a few short seconds. At first it was confusion, then realization, then anger. He remembered why he’d been angry at me. Oh God, I didn’t think I’d be able to let him go after having him hold me like this again. If I had to, I’d cling to him like a crazy person, and he would have to pry me off.

“Fuck, Harper, I don’t even remember anything from that night. My Dad had just died, I was totally wrecked, and I thought my girl wanted to be with someone else. I even woke up in my fucking car the next day.”

I shook my head and spoke softly. “I’m so very sorry about your Dad, Ky. He was a great man.”

Tears welled in his eyes. He gave a curt nod and swallowed a few times.

“I can’t lose you, Harper. Not right now, not when I need you most. I’ve been such an idiot, and I don’t blame you if you don’t forgive me, but I can’t let you leave me. The day that my Dad died was a really bad day for me and obviously I said some really terrible things, and I doubt I could bear to hear you repeat them.

“But I’m begging you, Harper, please forgive me. Say you’ll be with me? I’m nothing without you. I’m barely even a man without you in my life. Please.”

Ky has never looked more devastated than he does right now. He
needs
me to understand and forgive. “I love you, Harper.” His voice cracked.

I tentatively reached up and touched his cheek with my fingertips. He clenched his eyes shut. My mind was trying to catch up with what he’d just said. He said he wanted me … that he wanted to be with me. And he’d said he loved me. Ky had never said the words to me before, even after I’d said them to him. My heart felt so full that it seemed like it would burst. I laid my palm flat against his cheek and leaned in to kiss him softly on his lips. When our mouths met, it was as if any tightness in his chest loosened and his shoulders sagged. Ky wrapped his arms around me and kissed me with so much passion that it made my head spin. I pulled away slightly and looked at him.

“I love you too, Ky. But I need you to promise me that you’ll never run off without giving me a chance to explain myself again. I want you to remember that I will always be yours, and that’s never going to change. I just need you to trust me, even when you’re going through a hard time, and even when you’re feeling jealous. Just let me help you through those moments. I need this promise from you, Ky. If you can’t give it to me, then tell me now, because I can’t go through this again.”

He kissed the tip of my nose, then brushed over each of my eyes, and finally my mouth. He nibbled on my lip, then spoke against my mouth. “Never again. I’ll do everything in my power to make sure we never go through this again. I promise you.”

“Oh thank God. I was convinced I was going to have to wrap myself around you like a monkey and you wouldn’t ever be able to get me off.” I smiled my first smile in days.

I felt his shoulders shake with laughter.

“Can we go inside? It’s freezing out here, and I don’t want my girl to turn into a Popsicle,” Ky teased.

I nodded my head, still wearing a stupid grin. He got to his feet. Sweeping me into into his arms, he carried me back toward the cabin.

She looked so beautiful in white.

Harper had corrected me earlier in the evening and said that her dress wasn’t white, it was antique—I really didn’t give a fuck what the exact color was. My bride was beautiful in any color, but especially this one because this was the color she said ‘I do’ to my happy ass. Yeah, white will
always
be my favorite color on her.

Five hours ago, I married the girl that was made to be mine. It had been such a great night. Finn stood behind me as my Best Man. Harper gave herself away. She’d always been independent—although she’d said that if my dad were still alive, she would have asked him to give her away. That caused me to choke up a bit, knowing that she loved my Dad enough that she would have given him that honor.

The ceremony went off without a hitch, although when the celebrant asked for the rings, Levi thought it would be funny if he brought out a ring-pop instead of the actual ring. He even licked it before handing it to me. Thankfully, my bride found it funny, as did all of our guests-because if she hadn’t, I would have let Harper give Levi a taste of one of her ‘nipple twisters.’

When the photographer wrapped up pictures at the chapel, we headed to the reception. After our first dance as husband and wife, I sat Harper down so I could play a song I’d written especially for her. She was brought to tears.

I wrote about a girl that I’d secretly loved in high school, but she didn’t know it, and how it had blossomed into a hot romance. And then I’d added in a verse that I sang in her ear just for her. It was about only ever wanting one girl and loving her forever.

We did all of the usual couple things, like kissing when the wine glasses were tapped, cutting the cake—even the stupid “chicken dance”. For obvious reasons, we’d decided to cut out the father and daughter dance, and my mother had understood when we chose not to have a mother and son dance either.