Always You: A Lilac Bay Novel (Friends with Benefits) (24 page)

* * *

W
hen Jenny called
and asked if I wanted to grab some lunch, I jumped at the chance to get out of the apartment. I got Gordie set up in his carrier—there was no way I was leaving him at home alone so soon after what happened—and went to meet her in Town Square.

“Riley!” she called from a bench on the green. “Over here.” She made a face when I got closer. “You look awful.”

“Thanks, Jenny.”

“I just mean you look tired. And stressed.”

I sighed, collapsing onto the bench next to her. “It’s a long story. Let’s just start with the fact that six different people stopped me in the five minutes it took to get over her to ask me about the show.”

“That sucks, Ri, I’m sorry. You want to head over to the mainland?”

“I don’t really want to take Gordie on the ferry.”

She eyed the carrier at my feet. “Is Gordie’s presence something to do with the long story?”

I nodded.

“Okay, how’s this. We’ll grab some sandwiches from Iris and chill on my boat.”

“Good plan.”

Iris wasn’t working in the cafe, which I was thankful for—I didn’t really need another Andrew reminder at the moment. We ordered our sandwiches and a few bottles of lemonade and made our way down to the marina. There were people out on the docks, but most of them seemed to be in from the mainland, so we made it all the way to Jenny’s boat without having to talk to anyone.

Jenny owned a little speedboat that her parents had bought her as a graduation present from college. It was handy for getting around the island and over to the mainland, and the cushioned bench seats in the front were perfect for lying out in the sun.

Unfortunately, it was also docked right next to Andrew’s boat. So much for avoiding any reminders.

“Okay, so what’s going on with the cat?”

“He choked on a chicken bone this morning.”

She slapped a hand over her mouth. After living with me for a few years, Jenny was well aware of my paranoia about choking. “You poor thing!” she cooed into his carrier. He stuck a paw between the wires and lazily smacked her arm.

“I wasn’t alone when it happened.”

She waggled her eyebrows at me. “Really? Who were you with?”

“Andrew.”

“Oh.” She settled back against her bench, disappointed. “I thought you had an overnight guest.”

“He did stay overnight.”

“I meant like, you know, a
sex
guest.”

I held her gaze for a long moment—she was never super fast on the uptake when it came to stuff like this—until she gasped.

“Wait. Are you serious?”

“Yup.” I kicked off my sandals and stretched out. “He came over to commiserate about the show, and—”

“Oh my God,” she breathed. “You have to tell me everything.”

I shrugged. “I’d had a lot to drink, I guess, and—” I shook my head. I wasn’t going to do that, dismiss it like that. Nothing that happened last night was because of booze. “You know that kiss at the Lilac Festival?”

She nodded. “That was pretty funny.”

“Yeah, well, it didn’t feel funny. It felt kind of real. And then we got into a huge fight about it—”

“Why?”

“Because that same night I saw him at Cora’s with Jill. And I got mad because—”

“Because you like him. And the kiss made you realize that.”

“Please don’t say I told you so.”

She threw her hands up. “Like I would say that. I’m just glad you’re finally seeing it!”

“I don’t know what I see, Jenny. I’m so confused.”

She made a face. “What’s there to be confused about? You know you get along. You love each other’s families. You like all the same stuff.” She sat up straight. “Wait. Was the sex bad?”

“No,” I said quickly. Probably too quickly. “The sex was—well, it was fantastic. Like, best ever fantastic.”

She squealed a little, clapping her hands. “Oh, good. I would have been so disappointed if his reputation was unfounded.”

My stomach sank a little at her words, thinking about what Jill had said about players and how lucky I was to have a friend—just a friend—like Andrew.

“I just don’t know what this means for us, you know?”

“Well, what did he say about it?”

“What do you mean?”

“This morning. How was he acting? He must have said something.”

I thought back to that morning. To Andrew in my bed, looking all male and virile in my pink sheets. How he had teased me about dancing and made the comment about me wearing his T-shirt. How it had felt the same as all of our interactions and completely different at the same time. But then Gordie had put an end to that.

“Gordie got sick and we had to take him to the vet.”

“Oh.” She frowned. “And after that?”

“He had to go to work with his dad.”

“Oh.” Her silence made it pretty clear that she didn’t think his leaving was a good sign.

“Jenny, I’m afraid I just made the biggest mistake of my life.”

“No!” she cried. “Don’t say that! You guys would be so
good
together.”

I shook my head. “What if it was just sex for him? I mean, that’s the kind of guy he is, right? We know that.”

“Nuh-uh,” she said firmly. “He wouldn’t be like that with you.”

“But what if he doesn’t want to be more? I couldn’t stand if it he felt stuck with me because of loyalty or something.”

“Riley, I really don’t think you have to worry about that.”

I sighed, falling back against the cushions. The gray clouds of the morning had made way for blue skies and bright sunshine. Completely the opposite of my mood.

“Jenny, I don’t think I could stand to lose him.” She didn’t say anything, just waited for me to go on. “He’s like—he’s the thing in my life I can count on, you know? He’s always there.” I thought about Rebecca, about everything I wanted for her, how I would die to protect her. “And I never have to worry about him. There are so many other things in my life that I feel responsible for, that I let myself get all stressed over. But Andrew—”

“You just rely on him.”

“Yes,” I said, grateful that she understood. “He’s the only thing in my life I’m ever just sure of.”

“Well why do you think that would change? If you guys moved your relationship to a different level, all of that stuff would stay the same.”

“But that other level adds complication.” I thought about what Jill had said, the reference Jenny had just made to his reputation. What if Andrew wasn’t the kind of guy who wanted more? “What if it doesn’t work? What if we break up?” I felt a chill at the thought in spite of the bright sunlight. “I don’t think I could handle that.”

“I think you’re worrying way too much without any feedback from him. You don’t even know how he feels about things. You should talk to him. And stop worrying.”

“Yeah, stop worrying, that sounds so easy.”

“We could always head over to Cora’s,” she suggested. “Drink the worries away.”

“I think I’ve done enough of that lately. Thanks, though.” From his carrier, Gordie let out a plaintive howl. “I should get home, he’s probably had enough of being cooped up. Thanks for lunch.”

“No problem. Call me, okay?” She gave me a long hug. “Talk to him.”

“I will. I’ll talk to him tonight.” She was right, I decided. It was stupid to worry about what-ifs without even talking to Andrew. We needed to hash all this out, see where we were. Everything was going to be fine.

It had to be.

B
ut Andrew didn’t make
it very easy to hash things out. I called three times that afternoon to no answer. Around nine he sent me a text that said he got caught up working for his dad and he’d try to see me the next day.

I sat on the couch, Gordie curled up on my lap, staring at the text, a sick feeling growing in my stomach. He’d see me the next day? “He’s going to blow me off,” I whispered to the quiet room. I couldn’t believe it. He was actually going to do it. After all of our years of friendship, everything we had been to each other, and he was going to treat me like all the others girls he got tired of after a night.

I was actually shaking, I was so mad. I considered throwing the phone in my hands but thought better of it. I’d be damned if I was out money for a phone because of Andrew. Instead I dialed Rebecca’s number.

“He’s blowing me off!” I shouted the second she picked up.

“Who? What are you talking about?”

Oh. She had no idea what had happened. Apparently the entire world wasn’t caught up in my drama.

“Um,” I said. “I guess I have something to tell you.”

When I finished with the story she was silent for so long I thought I must have lost the connection.

“Beccs?”

“Sorry,” she said. “I just—hang on.” There was a rustling noise in the background, like she was moving. When she came back her voice was lowered. “You just have to tell me,” she said. “Was it good? I bet it was, like, crazy good, right?”

“Rebecca!”

“I’m sorry! I haven’t had single-person sex in years, Ri! And this is Andrew! I mean, it’s
Andrew
.”

“Yes, I’m aware of that,” I snapped.

“Sorry, sorry. I got carried away thinking about how gorgeous he is. I’ll be better, I promise.”

“I don’t know what to do, Beccs,” I sighed. “I can’t believe he’s blowing me off. I really can’t. I mean, do I seriously mean nothing to him?” The thought was so painful it took my breath away. I actually whimpered.

“You know what, I don’t like this,” she said, her voice disapproving.

“I don’t like it much either,” I said.

“No, not him. You. I don’t like the way you’re acting at all.”

“How am
I
acting?”

“Like a pathetic little girl who’s sad that the cute boy didn’t call.” She adopted a whiny, baby voice. “Are you sad, Wiley? You want me to come over and tuck you in?”

“Rebecca!”

“What are you doing sitting at home?” she bellowed, and I was powerfully reminded of Rebecca in her track and field days. She had been elected captain of the varsity team as a freshman, which was totally unheard of. But this was why—she could be a major hard-ass when she wanted to be. “He’s acting like an asshole, Riley. Don’t put up with it!”

“Well, what am I supposed to—”

“Go
find
him. This is a tiny little island, you know? He’s got to be around somewhere. Go look!”

“And what do I say when I find him?”

“I cannot even believe you right now. You don’t take any shit! You demand answers!”

Hmm. That did sound more like me than sitting here crying about it. “What if I can’t find him?”

“Then you go sit in Cora’s and have a drink and be your fabulous self.”

“Oh, God,” I muttered. “Have you been watching
Sex And The City
again?”

“Just get out there!” she barked. Her voice lowered to its normal, girly timbre. “And then call me later, because I want all the details.”

“You’re ridiculous, you know that?”

“Yeah, yeah. Just get going already.”

It took me ten minutes to get ready. I’d been schlubbing around in old t-shirts for the last few weeks, too busy with the show to care very much, but I had a feeling I was going to need a little more confidence tonight. I settled for the straight jeans and tank top that I’d worn that night we played the Hotel team. It had caught a guy like Chase’s attention, so I couldn’t look too terrible in it. Then I knelt down in front of Gordie.

“I’m not going to be very long,” I promised. “No chicken bones, okay?”

He lowered his head right back to his paws, closing his eyes.

“I love you too, buddy.”

It was a warm night, but the earlier clouds had returned, blocking the stars. I reached the square in a matter of minutes and considered my next step. I could either continue down Lilac until I reached Pine, taking that across to his little cottage on the water. Or I could try the establishments in town first. Someone came out of Rose’s down the street and the sounds of laughter and conversation spilled into the street.
Ask Eddie
, I thought. Eddie might know where he is.

The main dining room was crowded, the bar area filled, a three-piece band in the corner adding to the atmosphere. I saw Zane right away, going from table to table to greet the patrons.

“Riley,” he said when he saw me. “You look hot tonight, girl. What’s the occasion?”

It was a pretty sad state of affairs when nicer jeans and a tank top made me look dressed-up. Maybe I should lay off the T-shirts. “I was actually looking for Andrew. Have you seen him around? Or maybe Eddie?”

“They’re upstairs, actually,” he said. Someone called out to him and he turned, raising a hand. “Look, I should get to it.”

“Go, do your thing. I’ll see you around.”

I made my way up to the second floor. It was much quieter up here, only a few of the tables filled. From the floor-to-ceiling windows there was a gorgeous view of the bay. In the darkness you could see the lights of the mainland, twinkling off in the distance. And to the left of that view, in a table by the corner, sat the Powell twins.

The sight of them stopped me in my tracks. Andrew was sitting with a beer in front of him, his head tilted down, eyes on the table. Eddie was next to him, a hand on his brother’s shoulder, their heads close together. Eddie was saying something and Andrew was nodding. Even with his head down, I could tell that he was miserable.

I need to get out of here
, I thought. I didn’t want to hear him tell me what had him so upset. Because I already knew, didn’t I?

I was just turning to go when someone called out to me.

“Riley, honey, don’t you look nice.”

Sherry was sitting a few tables from Andrew with her husband. I waved weakly as the boys both looked up at me. Edward looked worried and a little bit sad. Andrew looked—God, Andrew looked like a mess. Eddie said something to him and he stood, nodding, and made his way over to me.

“Hey,” he said. “What are you doing here?”

“I thought we should talk.”

He nodded. “Let’s go for a walk.”

Neither of us said a word as we made our way downstairs and outside. It wasn’t until we were on the sidewalk heading down to the marina that Andrew opened his mouth. “Look, I think we should take a step back.”

So there it was. The blow off. Even expecting it, it still took my breath away. “That’s it, huh?” I whispered.

“Riley, I really care about you—”

“I don’t want to hear that.”

“But it’s true.”

“And it was true yesterday and last week and last year. And then last night happened. You have nothing to say about that?”

He stopped, shoving his hands into his pockets, his attention out on the bay. “You don’t have to worry about last night. I won’t get the wrong idea.”

Hang on. That didn’t really sound like a blow off.

“
You
won’t get the wrong idea? What are you talking about?”

“I heard you, Riley.” He turned back to me, his eyes piercing even in the darkness. “Today. With Jenny. I know you regret what happened.”

“Hang on a second. You heard me with Jenny?”

“I stopped by my boat to get my tool box,” he said, shrugging. “I heard you guys.”

“And what did you hear, exactly?”

His eyes flashed and I had the sudden impression that he was angry with me.

“You said you were worried you made the biggest mistake of your life.”

“Is that
all
you heard?”

“It was all I needed to hear. I left after that.”

I wasn’t sure if I should be annoyed that he'd gotten the wrong idea or relieved that I could set it right. “Andrew, if you would have kept listening you would have heard me talk about why I was afraid.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

I stared at him. He wasn’t meeting my eyes anymore. “Of course it does.”

“I get it, Riley. It was stupid, us going there. We have a good friendship and we should just leave it there.”

A flash of fear ran through me. Did he really want that? Or did he just think it was what I wanted?

“Andrew, don’t do this. You have to at least let me explain what you heard.”

“The whole thing was a mistake. You know me, Ri. I’ve never really been the kind of guy to settle down with one woman.” His eyes narrowed, his gaze intense on me. “I guess I heard that part, too.”

Oh, God. What had I said, exactly? That he was the kind of guy who just wanted sex?

“I was scared, Andrew, and talking it out with my friend. I didn’t mean—”

“You were right.” His voice was cold. “I would just hurt you, Riley. I wouldn’t mean to, but I would. That’s just who I am.”

“No. That’s
not
who you are.”

“You’ve seen it with your own eyes, right? You’re not blind. You see how I am with girls.”

“Last night you said you weren’t actually that promiscuous.”

“I lied. I wanted to sleep with you.”

I took a step back, feeling like he’d struck me.

“You’re just trying to push me away,” I whispered, horrified to feel tears coming to my eyes. “I don’t know why.”

“I’m not going to be your mistake, Riley. I’m not going to be the thing you regret.”

“I would never regret you!”

He turned again, his eyes on the water, and I wanted to shake him, to make him listen to me. I had been feeling confused about what we did all day, not knowing exactly what I wanted from Andrew. But I knew I didn’t want it like this. Brushed off, like what happened was nothing.

“Look,” he said, his voice soft now, all the anger gone. “You’ve felt stuck on this island ever since college. I know that. I know you’re only here because of your mom and Rebecca. But you don’t have to worry about that anymore, right?”

“Andrew, stop it—”

“Your mom is getting help. Rebecca has Jake. Neither of them is your problem anymore. And now that the show is over I think you should start thinking about what comes next for you.” He met my eyes. “And I don’t think that’s on this island.”

“You don’t get to decide that for me.”

He shrugged. “You’re right. But I’m not interested in being something else that makes you feel trapped here.”

“That’s ridiculous!”

“I’m going to be on the mainland next week.”

That stopped me short. “Why?” A little bud of fear was blossoming in my stomach.

“I’m doing some work for my dad. He’s been wanting to expand into Traverse City for a while now, and this opportunity came up, so I’m helping with a project.”

“What about work?” I wasn’t sure why, but the thought of him leaving, even for a week, terrified me.

“I have some time saved.”

“Andrew, you always said you would never work for your dad.”

His eyes flashed. “I guess it’s time to grow up, Riley.”

“We’ll talk when you get back then?”

“Sure.” He smiled but no expression had ever looked sadder on him. “That’s what we do, right?”

“It doesn’t have to be like this,” I whispered.

“I think it does.” He reached out and took my hands, and I could have wept, so sure he was going to pull me into his arms. Instead, he leaned forward and kissed my forehead, squeezing my hands one more time. Then he let go and turned away, leaving me there by water’s edge.

* * *

I
t was
beyond strange to go entire days without seeing Andrew. I didn’t think that had happened since college. And even then we’d talked online. This silence was strange and awful and I had no idea what to do about it. What would happen when he came back? Would we go right back to how we were before the stupid skit? Or would it be more like last night—Andrew cold and dismissive, me panicked and unable to figure out how to tell him what I wanted? Or even to understand what I wanted myself.

“Give it time,” Rebecca told me when I called her. “You’re borrowing tomorrow’s problems. Just try to keep yourself busy.”

That was much easier said than done. The show was finished and everyone in the mayor’s office was walking around with that day-after-Christmas mope. The scavenger hunt episode had aired, the announcement that we’d been kicked off at the beginning. Our footage hadn’t been shown, of course, meaning that my kiss with Andrew would never be seen. For some reason, that made me really sad.

Gina called to touch base, again telling me how impressed she’d been with my work and offering a reference if I needed it. I thanked her and said I was thinking about it.

Maybe I should try something new
, I thought as I made my way home that afternoon. The Lilac Festival was over, further diminishing my responsibilities at work. A long summer of dealing with random islander complaints and coordinating movie nights in the square stretched in front of me. Really stimulating stuff.